Tonstant Weader Fwowed Down
Anne Applebaum, The Washington Post:
Anti-climate change, anti-human
- Thcuse me, Miss Wady. A child named America tugged on my skirt. Ath a wiberal, awe you contherned at the hate-cwazed wiberal campaign to eck… eckTHTIRminate humanity? “Finish your homework in safety, dear heart,” I replied, striding upstage. “For show me a movement that says phooey on hope,” I quavered, “And I will stand up for the tomorrow that dances in our children’s hearts.”
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™
† The column is impossible to parody, and ought to be preserved for future historians. Dear Future Historians: When this was published, Applebaum was only a couple of months clear of a scandal altogether less child-friendly, and no more than a week away from this geyser of stupid. And yet, Applebaum’s op-ed was merely the second stupidest thing in today’s Washington Post editorial section, ranking well under this yawp by a character whom we first met during the heady post-9/11 era, the AEI‘s never-right-about-anything neocon war agitator and credential-free foreign policy expert, Danielle Pletka. And you know what, Future Historians? By all indications, we have a good distance left to fall before we know what the bottom holds.
‡ Title cf.
So Richard Cohen’s column is only the third stupidest column today? The one that asserts that women are too busy hugging babies to get laid?
Then, um…what’s your point? That when you cherry-pick some rubes from this side, you can find some real loons? Wow, cool story, bro.
The Knicks could really use Iran.
Why is Applebottom the focus of so much of your venom, oh Sadly, No!?
What’s she done besides being a complete ass?
Oh…wait…
Anne Applebaum, The Washington Post:
Anti-climate change, anti-human
Always. Trust. The. Shorter.™
Gavin, are we to infer from your shorter that Applebottom has, you know, spawned?
Hey! Neato errors right now!
The column is impossible to parody
AAIIAGHGH! You’re telling me DON’T trust the shorter? Damn, I’m wrecked.
What the…???
From the RSS feed, triangle brackets replaced:
Is this some Synecodchal thing? The comment box has shrunk to near-oblivion!
Oh. Wait. That did the trick.
It was cool while it lasted.
Yes, the movement to counter the effects of global warming would be much more effective if it talked about how unpleasant it would be.
Anne! My cab driver tells your kid not to go to the mall this weekend!
What’s an “apocalytpic prejudice”?
Is it good to eat?
shorter Annie Applebaum:
I wish the Shorter was here 20 minutes ago, because I already read this flaming pile of shit.
My favorite bit is where Anne refers to electricity as “a miracle invention.” How is it that these people even have standing to argue with scientists? Oh, right. We’re a nation of dumbasses.
My favorite bit is where Anne refers to electricity as “a miracle invention.”
I bet she thinks God is Billy Mays.
Scuse mah FINGahs!
Shorter Anne Applebaum:
Population control is the slow-motion nuclear strike of environmental nihilism.
May I propose “Anne Appaloosabottom”?
Also, remember when all those right wing pundits & politicians stopped talking about nuclear weapons after frightened youngsters started getting notions of armageddon and nuclear winter?
Also, remember when all those right wing pundits & politicians stopped talking about nuclear weapons after frightened youngsters started getting notions of armageddon and nuclear winter?
Terror attacks. Also.
Alt shorter:
Hey, I’m for reducing emissions as much as the next gal, but what’s up with these hippies and buzzkills, amirite?
So wait, her child is a nihilist and she blames environmentalists? Who will she blame when it turns out the kid invariably blames others for things he’s responsible for?
Who will she blame when it turns out the kid invariably blames others for things he’s responsible for?
Is that before or after he goes all Columbine?
I would have said, “Well, spawn, you have a point. Go watch TV and eat some ice cream before it’s too late.” But this is why I’m not a parent.
Well, this link still works.
http://gop.am/b0mD
I might have said “do your Goddamn homework because you’ll be DEAD before any of that happens” but then I’m pretty cranky. And it would totally be Anne’s fault if my hypothetical kid turned out to be a cranky potty-mouthed fatalist.
Y’know, I grew up with Russians planning to nuke me at the drop of a babushka. A 9 year-old has grown up with Islamo-fasco-communo-tarians plotting to nuke them if they could just get their hands on those old Russian nukes.
Methinks we can handle some fucking eurotrash hippies.
Look, for example, at the Optimum Population Trust, a mainstream organization whose patrons include the naturalist David Attenborough, the scientist Jane Goodall and professors at Cambridge and Stanford — and that campaigns against, well, human beings. Calling for “fewer emitters, lower emissions,” the group offers members the chance to offset the pollution that they generate, merely by existing, through the purchase of family-planning devices in poor countries. Click on its PopOffsets calculator to see what I mean: It reckons that every $7 spent on family planning generates one ton fewer carbon emissions. Since the average American generates 20.6 tons of carbon annually, it will cost $144.20 — $576.80 for a family of four — to buy enough condoms to prevent the births of, say, 0.4 Kenyans.
Does this shithead honestly believe that birth control is a bad thing? How does she feel about living in a nation where the birth rate is barely above replacement levels and that only because of fertile immigrants breeding? Doesn’t she realize that much of whatever wealth the United States population has earned over the past thirty years is BECAUSE we stopped breeding like fucking rabbits???
*sigh*
I confess. I did not trust my own words.
Shorter Applebaum:
Does this shithead honestly believe that birth control is a bad thing?
Not just providing birth control, but providing it to those who want it and can’t currently get it easily or affordably. MONSTERS.
Does this shithead honestly believe that birth control is a bad thing?
It’s surprising how many people believe just that. Personally, I think population is already way too big and Nature will deal with us one way or another. Possibly through something completely out of left field – like by posing as a celebrity and convincing people not to vaccinate their kids.
It’s surprising how many people believe just that. Personally, I think population is already way too big and Nature will deal with us one way or another.
I remember people being shocked–*SHOCKED*!–that an environmentalist suggested that having fewer (or no) children is good for the environment. WHAAAAT????
Didn’t Malthus die, like, 250 years ago? Get with the program, people.
These people are extremely concerned about the psychological damage done by the hippie’s rhetoric about climate change.
I see that I misplaced an apostrophe there, which I totally blame on the psychological damage I suffered from reading Applebaum’s column.
The unfortunately named Oral Roberts is dead.
So, that’s it, liberals. It’s over. Your precious “public option” Trojan Horse and medicare buy-in are finished. Toast. Over.
All thanks to Senator Lieberman. Boy, he really knows how to stick it to his enemies. You tried to take him down in 2006, but today he’s taking down you. You must be so pissed right now.
Hey anybody here hear that one about how David Brooks once tossed Applebaum’s salad?
Your precious “public option” Trojan Horse and medicare buy-in are finished. Toast. Over.
Um. No. This isn’t the final bill.
I hope God gave him a shot at extortion before he went.
Um. No. This isn’t the final bill.
Everyone knows that the bill that comes out of conference committee usually keeps all the conservative points of both Houses (like Stupak) while dropping the liberal elements. Even liberal Chris Matthews admitted this. And the conference committee will never expand Medicare or include a public option since Lieberman would block the final bill in the Senate.
And anyway, Obama wanted to get this done before Christmas. No way that happens unless he “ping pongs” the bill, sending the Senate version to the House for final approval straight to his desk with no changes. Conference Committee, combined with having both Houses approve the final bill, will make this drag into next year…an election year!
But keep clinging to hope. You are the party of “Hope” after all.
I hope God gave him a shot at extortion before he went.
Well, his son did say he raised a dead child. It ought to be fun trying to bury him.
Everyone knows that the bill that comes out of conference committee usually keeps all the conservative points of both Houses
No, everybody doesn’t know that.
Ask libs like Chris Matthews and Lawerence O’Donnell, actor. They said so.
And besides if this drags on into next year, the Democrat Party will be too scared to vote for something big right before an election.
Ask libs like Chris Matthews and Lawerence O’Donnell, actor. They said so.
Oh, so *they* are two people who are routinely mocked for being morons. I see.
Wait. Make that three. You.
I hate what the Post has become under Fred Hiatt. I hate Pompous fraud & full time resident dictator-weasel Leiberman. I hate the so-called “Democratic Majority” and I hate the typists who get paid as writers who blame Obama for having to take this barrel of weasels and make them do something for their country.
Part of me suspects that Democracy is over. Republicans and conservatives have destroyed any hope that we can even talk about our problems and how to solve them, and then they have the nerve to say: “See! Obama and progressives cannot get anything done!”
The right wingers have made this country into a long crappy Walmart plaza surrounded by toxic waste dumps. Lieberman is a seer rat who lives in eating detritus. I am ashamed that I voted for Gore/Lieberman because what if that braying back stabber God forbid! became president…..
and his wife is a pompous sniveling weasel also, with my apologies to real weasels.
It is anti-human to give people access to birth control methods (read: abortion) because every baby is a potential genius who will invent a free energy machine and save us. We need MORE babies you stupid liberals.
because every baby is a potential
genius who will invent a free energy machine and save usCoppertop.Fixed!
It is anti-human to give people access to birth control methods (read: abortion) because every baby is a potential genius who will invent a free energy machine and save us.
But what if a baby turns out to be the next Hitler? What then???
The unfortunately named Oral Roberts is dead.
Good to know, Richie.
Its ok. We get that all the time. Just leave a baby in the woods for us, we’ll call it even.
And you know who else didn’t have kids? That’s right, HITLER!
Wait wait wait. So Oral Roberts named his son Dick??? Who writes this stuff?!!!
Who writes this stuff?!!!
Okies. Duh!
Let us never forget the hilarious Oral Roberts University scandal.
I’ve known a couple of people who went to Oral Roberts. It will fuck your shit up.
The architecture is cool, though.
I’m not dead yet. I’m actually feeling much better!
The fact is, I haz a host body. Fear it, liba.
*libs. Call WordPress home, Lord.
Oh, I *am* dead??? OK, who didn’t come across with the faith offering I asked for?
That was me. Sorry, I was on my way to mobilize values voters, I was driving through Atlantic City and one thing led to another.
When a giant like Oral Roberts dies, I have to go back in time to unrealize that I thought he died 20 years ago.
It is anti-human to give people access to birth control methods (read: abortion) because every baby is a potential genius who will invent a free energy machine and save us. We need MORE babies you stupid liberals.
They’ll also be good eatin’ when food supplies run low.
Apparently the only acceptable population control methods are war, weather, disease and starvation. I guess when those folks are anti-choice, they’re anti-choice all the way.
Applebaum’s argument is familiar: Since humans are part of this Earth, everything they do is “natural.” A guy in otherwise reasonable book about debunking shibboleths wrote, presumably with a straight face, that nuclear power plants are as “natural” as beaver dams.
Of course, that’s stretching the definition of “natural” beyond all reason. (Calling high-fructose corn syrup “natural” is almost sane by comparison.) Humans are the only species with the intelligence and capacity to truly fuck up the Earth, which is why it’s important that we police ourselves.
You cannot contain Iran, because they don’t make Tupperware that large.
Perhaps several thousand miles of invisible dog fencing.
Offspring…. spring off…. Dick … Oral …
take it away
Offspring…. spring off…. Dick … Oral …
I just want to point out that this was the 69th comment.
They’ll also be good eatin’ when food supplies run low.
That reminds me, this is making the rounds of the intertrØnz again.
That reminds me, this is making the rounds of the intertrØnz again.
Carcapiece?
Doesn’t matter if you’re pro or con when it comes to population control – if you live on a planet with a non-infinite diameter, it’s inevitable.
We merely haggle over whether to get there via education & contraception or natural attrition … but you must admit, it surely takes some titanic cojones to argue that the readily-available alternative to the “organic” route (you know, the one where that winds up with far more dead bodies then live ones, & the rapid onset of a total global social meltdown) is the nihilist perspective.
Who knew that all of moden civilization was actually one ginormous false-flag op secretly perpetrated by a cabal of nihilists? Not me, that’s for sure.
This is the same logic that concludes that my waiting for a walk-light rather than playing Crosswalk Russian-Roulette = ZOMG FASCIZM!!!
Mr. Roberts is survived by his sister Anal, his brother Vaginal, and his children Intracrural, Aural, and Nasal.
They’ll also be good eatin’ when food supplies run low.
Preparation suggestions?
Step 1: Toss my salad.
Anne Applebaum is just arguing that we don’t need population control because we can just go into space. Also, if we stop having as many children, it will be harder for her good friend Roman Polanski to find girls to rape. This will not stand.
Step 1: Toss my salad.
Baby arugula?
Ahh, Gavin: so glad to see you’re back in the fold. We’ve missed you.
tomcj @ 0.10:
I’m beginning to think that Fred Hiatt is desperately trying to make amends for the shabby treatment of Richard Nixon by Woodward and Bernstein thirty six years ago, but sadly for him, in spite of all his efforts, it will always and forever be known as “The Liberal Washington Post”.
Providing birth control to people who might not otherwise have access and/or money is basically the same thing as shooting VX-gas-filled SCUDs into population centers.
Also, the reason demonstrators show up with disturbing and scary art installations is because they want people to die and are convinced that we are going to die, so it makes total sense to have demonstrations trying to get people to change that.
Did she suffer some kind of head injury?
Aural, and Nasal Oh come now. While I’ve never fucked a nose, and haven’t ever heard of it being done I can well imagine that a couple someones, somewhere have. But aura-fucking? That’s just silly.
WordPress fucking on the other hand &ominouse_ellipsis;
On the other hand, it’s good to hear about this Optimum Population Trust. Now I know what to get people for Christmas!
Oh, right, also, preventing the birth of Kenyans isn’t going to do nearly as much to slow carbon output as preventing the birth of Americans (I think we generate over sixty times as much carbon on average) or Canadians or whatever you call people who live in the United Arab Emirates (Emirati? Arabs? UAEans?). While overpopulation is a problem in Third World countries and probably contributes substantially to their poverty, it’s not really that much of a factor for the greenhouse gases.
My god, I can’t take it anymore. I’m starting to hope for the worst-case scenario. I want the Greenland and Antarctic ice sheets to collapse completely tomorrow. I want the midwest to turn to desert and the oceans to turn to acid and start belching out hydrogen sulfide. I want a vast wave of climate refugees squatting in the homes of every denier, every concern troll, and when it happens I want to walk up to Christopher Monckton, Viscount of Deniers, and I want to slap him in the face and say, “See, I told you so.”
I need a vacation.
Wait, so DC City Council votes 11-2 for same sex marriage and Oral Roberts kicks the bucket?
How many states legalizing gay marriage would it take to bump off Joel Osteen?
Like some, perhaps, I didn’t trust the shorter because I thought, Well, Gavin hasn’t been around much lately, he’s probably not getting enough sleep, he’s got his hands full. He’s lost a step–only for now–but it’s understandable.
Fuck me. Trust the shorter is right. I’m with Lupus Yonderboy. This:
“Electricity is a miracle, an invention that has brought light and life to millions.”
could have been written by La Palin herself and we wouldn’t have been surprised. Meanwhile, Anne: if you let your 9 year old watch political demonstrations in Copenhagen, and then EXPLAIN it all to him, whose fault is that?
Didn’t Oral’s kids get in trouble for the way they ran Oral Roberts University?
Mr. Roberts is survived by his sister Anal, his brother Vaginal, and his children Intracrural, Aural, and Nasal.
See, I’d heard that his brother was named Anal and worked as a faith-healing proctologist out in Carson City.
ive been waiting for you “oral”. me and gabriel.
The architecture is cool, though.
No it’s not.
Anne Applebaum is just arguing that we don’t need population control because we can just go into space
I believe she is volunteering to be on Ark ‘B’.
My god, I can’t take it anymore. I’m starting to hope for the worst-case scenario
well, George Carlin called it all years ago. I have come to believe he was right.
Now, we just have to learn to be amused at the running-about while the toilet flush is swirling….
Didn’t Oral’s kids get in trouble for the way they ran Oral Roberts University?
Yes.
Would it be wicked of me to hope that The Day Obamacare Died gets three kinds of terminal cancer for which the only treatments are incredibly painful and humiliating procedures considered “experimental” by his insurance company and therefore not covered? Would it be even more wicked to hope it happens tonight? And that the hospice he goes to closes down for lack of funding? And that all his “friends” on the right say to him, “Sucks to be you, dude!”?
I thought not.
Didn’t Oral’s kids get in trouble for the way they ran Oral Roberts University?
Oral’s son, Robert….yup, Robert Roberts!…was investigated, tried and is awaiting his appeal.
Errr, Richard Roberts….pahdon me.
Can I write an opinion column for the WaPo? It’s gotta beat working.
“Geyser of stupid” is genius. Right up there with “shit-moat.” Kudos.