Another Memorable Moment From the NRO Begathon
Posted on November 17th, 2009 by Tintin
ABOVE:Bernardo Strozzi (attr.), Man in Full, Portrait of
Jonassandro del Oroburro (17th cent.)
Somewhat Shorter Loadpants, America’s Shittiest Website™
Why Contribute to NRO?
- Well, of course, I couldn’t say you should give to NRO to keep my lard-ass in ranch dressing, fried turkey legs, and jumbo rib orders, so I said that the reason was zombies and socialized medicine without, of course, understanding the irony that both are mythical creatures, one made up by fiction writers and the other made up by dimwitted teabagging fuckwits like myself and the other writers here.
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™
I have nothing to say
second
Third
Always. Trust. The. Shorter.™
TinTin, is Jonah pregnant?
Who’s the father? His mother?
Zombies are only after brains so Jonah should be safe.
I’m not going to click the link to see if Doughy really mentioned zombies.
Juice line from the not-shorter:
the pressing need to lance tumefied volcanoes with airborne lasers
First of all, who is Lance Tumified and why does he need to press his own volcanoes with lasers?
JNM,
He did. Twice.
Always. Trust. The. Shorter.™
You can tell that Jonah doesn’t actually give a crap about fighting zombies because of Rule 1: Cardio.
Also, you need to give us your donations to keep us going so that we can keep defending the Free Market against Socialism which keeps inefficient enterprises going for the ideological preferences of the Obama-Hitler-Mao comptroller mafia.
Contribute NOW and receive a complimentary, autographed copy of Going Rogue with your paid susbscription. In fact, we’ll give you two copies of this literary treasure–one to keep, read, study, bookmark and memorize, and one to give as a gift!
Wait, did we say two, we meant three handsomely bound editions, each containing a priceless trove of the wit and wisdom of our next American President! Start your own lending-library consisting only this important work of policy, philosophy and statecraft!
Act now, and for every $20.00 donation we receive from you, we will send an entire case of this literary treasure, still in the original factory packaging. Sure to be a valuable collector’s item in years to come!
Mention this ad, and w’ll throw in, at absolutely no extra cost, the thrilling and moving account of a brave woman’s battle against the liberal media, Still Standing!
You don’t have to be a zombie to crave longpig:
I have to add that I suspect that a couple weeks from now this will turn out to be completely overstated and it will turn out to not be a case of murder and cannibalism but just a silly mixup or translation error, with maybe just a tiny bit of cannibalism.
**Haccck–PTUI!**
Jonah making teh funny with Zombie joke. That’s just wrong.
Lance Tumified? Well, we know what section of the video shop Jonah frequents.
And Hail! to TinTin for the shoop of Thongload. Is it just my display or is there green in his face-merkin? Not vegetables! Unpossible.
Compliments to the artist. Is that Cheetos dust on the dough one’s chin?
Compliments to the artist. Is that Cheetos dust on the dough one’s chin?
I missed the orange. The green must be from Funyions.
The fact is, you liberals are always wrong. Sarah Palin is the great hope for USA freedom, and she will replace Obama on or before 2012.
Why do I have a feeling that clicking that link would be like opening the Ark of the Covenant?
You mean in a face-melting way, a head-shrinking like a plastic action figure way, or a head-exploding with angelic light way?
suspicion of setting upon a foe with knives and a hammer
Human needs to be tenderized?
she will replace Obama on or before 2012.
And resign mid-2013.
I haven’t seen that much lace on a man since Purple Rain. Hell, I didn’t see that much lace then; Doughy looks like he ate Prince.
“And may I take this opportunity of emphasizing that here is no cannibalism in the British Navy. And when I say none, I mean there is a certain amount.”
Doughy looks like he ate Prince.
Then purified himself by drinking Lake Minnetonka.
and she will replace Obama on or before 2012.
Oo, I like the sexy element of danger thrown in there with the “or before.”
I’m curious: how far down the line of presidential succession do we have to go before we get to “most recent former governor of Alaska?” It sounds like Gary has a LOT of assassinatin’ to do. He’s too proud and classy to beg, but I think your Paypal dollars would probably better be spent on that ambitious project than on Jonah’s Cheetoh fund.
Hell slippy, why not all of the above?
And throw in the guy from Last Crusade as well…
she will replace Obama on or before 2012
Not without a better work ethic.
Not only can Palin see Russia from her house, she’s gettin’ ideas from ’em?
“If God had not intended for us to eat animals, how come He made them out of meat?”
Watch out for those helicopter gunships, Alaska villages and inhabitants of Juneau.
Speaking as a testicle-possessor, the words “lance” and “tumescence” should never be in close proximity.
Has anyone seen Sarah Palin’s vault copy birth certificate?
Has anyone seen Sarah Palin’s vault
copy birth certificatea horse?Things we’d like to see.
“I’m curious: how far down the line of presidential succession do we have to go before we get to “most recent former governor of Alaska?”
I think right after most recent former Miss California.
I think right after most recent former Miss California.
But still ahead of Ron Paul.
Lance Tumescence, International Man of Mystery!
OT: bringing forward a little something by Shitmoat Amy actor212 introduced to an earlier thread, which should be seen by all.
If for nothing else read it for the opening scene, which positively reeks of verisimilitude.
Hat tip, Rusty.
The thing that struck me while reading that in the first place was…
Well, two things: First, what the fuck was Amy doing in (albeit a layperson’s) psychology magazine when NOT a subject of a study, and second, what the other side of her encounters were all about.
The parking lot incident was particular fertile ground.
Shorter Alkon:
I am an insufferable bitch.
More praise for the photoshop of the Load. There should be a collection of these somewhere for admirers to appreciate.
suspicion of setting upon a foe with knives and a hammer
Human needs to be tenderized?
Glad we caught that *before* prepping for Thanksgiving dinner.
There should be a collection of these somewhere for admirers to appreciate.
The Metropolitan Museum O’Fart.
The parking lot incident was particular fertile ground.
I liked the fact an ad for psychiatric services was placed right next to her article.
The Metropolitan Museum O’Fart.
Known as “The Gas House.”
People who live in gas houses shouldn’t eye phones.
Shorter Amy Alkon:
A woman was talking too loud on her cellphone, so I anonymously called her and threatened her children.
Also shorter Jonah: We totally believe in the power and wisdom of the unrestrained free market! Sink or swim, every man for himself! That’s why we’re trying to sucker donations out of mouth-breathing teabaggers whose mamas never taught them no better.
Alkon: We modern humans are a bunch of grabby, self-involved jerks, the same as generations of humans before us.
What do you mean “we,” paleface?
All these cannibalism and zombie jokes. I never realized you all were part of the ZombieCorpse.
The zombocalypse is further along than I’d imagined.
The zombocalypse is further along than I’d imagined.
Well, fine. Then could your people do something about Jonah?
Speaking of zombies.
I think she’s more like that guy in the movie who’s investigating the dead people, only to find out in a surprise twist that he’s dead too.
Overnight, I was like that “I see dead people” kid, except it was “I see rude people.” They were everywhere: pushing, shoving, shouting into cell phones; leaving snotted-up Kleenex in the airplane seat pocket for the next passenger.
Fewer mirrors in Chez Alkon might help. Also.
I think she’s more like that guy in the movie who’s investigating the dead people, only to find out in a surprise twist that he’s dead too.
She’s even more like one of the regular dead people, wondering why creepy people are staring at her.
She bills naptime?
Careful what you ask for.
An aggressive lack of consideration for others is spreading across this country like a case of crabs through a sleepaway camp,
Quite the choice of simile. Went right for the STD comparison. In a psychology magazine. All too easy…
She bills naptime?
That quote actually illustrates her world view perfectly. Most people, having been deprived of desired sleep, would be upset about that. To her, money is a substitute for her own comfort. There is apparently nothing that cannot be reduced to cash.
Wowie zowie, SuperDuper Sarah’s Going Jihad comes out today – & it’s already a “best-seller” also! Can you just imagine how much REAL authors admire her for having a bunch of wingnut bastards artificially inflating her sales with massive giveaways &/or ego stroking multi-buys that will soon rot away in a storage-shed somewhere, mercifully unread? She’s like a magnet for writer-envy, you betcha!
“Contribute NOW and receive a complimentary, autographed copy of Going Rogue with your paid susbscription.”
So how much does it cost to guarantee I never get sent a copy?
So how much does it cost to guarantee I never get sent a copy?
Super Grand Prize Winner gets a free copy!
All other contestants receive two!
Both her interventions are stupid. And worse, for a writer, they’re boring. She left an anonymous message on phone lady’s voicemail! And wrote an angry letter to a company! I CANNOT WAIT TO READ THIS BOOK! What next, will she shush someone in a movie theatre? I cannot abide the suspense!
actor212 said,
November 17, 2009 at 16:48
Did ya ever settle on a design? Cuz I’d like to print up some shirts.
To her, money is a substitute for her own comfort
Well, she admits to being an ex-hooker.
I think.
Also.
Willy, no, not yet.
Damn. Why haven’t I worked on this?
CURSE YOU, COLD UNFEELING CORPORATE OVERLORDS!!!!
Both her interventions are stupid. And worse, for a writer, they’re boring.
Worse for a self-proclaimed comedic writer, they’re self-indulgent, unfunny, and unintentionally self-referencing.
Colombian dick dessert: Viagra and passionfruit cheesecake.
Colombian dick dessert: Viagra and passionfruit cheesecake.</i?
If it ain't got coke, it ain't Colombian.
And I include the coffee…
Colombian dick dessert: Viagra and passionfruit cheesecake.
If it ain’t got coke, it ain’t Colombian.
And I include the coffee in that assessment.
And FYWP
Coming out next month: Going Rouge: Conservative Whores from Carrie Fulton Phillips to Carrie Prejean
More praise for the photoshop of the Load. There should be a collection of these somewhere for admirers to appreciate.
Vomit-inducing is one of the Criteria for Art, is it not? Somebody call the Smithsonian!
Coming out next month: Going Rouge
Sorry, out of stock already
What does it say that Oprah is following up her Palin interview by interviewing Jenna Jameson?
Let me predict next week’s nutrage: President Obama’s unprecedented act of pardoning a turkey shows he hates Thanksgiving and white America. Or he’ll say something praising Native Americans, which ignores the true heroes of the story — the ignorant religious freaks who had to be rescued from starvation. Or he’ll have some inexcusably exotic food like arugula. Or Michelle and he will be serving food at a homeless shelter but in inappropriately fancy clothes. The chances of at least one of these things happening is 100% — craziness doesn’t take a holiday.
President Obama’s unprecedented act of pardoning a turkey shows he hates Thanksgiving and white America
And is behind the Muslin insurrection in that country.
There is guaranteed to be howling outrage over the stuffing in the Obama’s turkey. Herbed bread stuffing? He hates the South where cornbread is king. Oyster stuffing or chestnut stuffing? Impossibly elitist — why does he hate America?
He could solve the problem and have a turducken.
Has anyone discerned the wingnut theology regarding cranberry sauce? Jellied or whole berries? More room for poutrage there…
Both her interventions are stupid. And worse, for a writer, they’re boring. She left an anonymous message on phone lady’s voicemail!
Ah, but not just any anonymous message. She left an anonymous message saying that the woman put her children at risk to be attacked by pedophiles. Not very classy, but also not very boring.
What does it say that Oprah is following up her Palin interview by interviewing Jenna Jameson?
It says Oprah is interviewing a smart, intelligent career woman with young kids who earned every buck she made and never tried to jam down her morals on the rest of the United States.
Jellied or whole berries?
Whole berries remind them of testicles. Particularly after a shower.
Jonah in a thong! Way too much imagination!
never tried to jam down her morals
*sipping herbal tea quietly*
Is it hot in here?
Well, she has to do something to get back the lost credibility.
never tried to jam down her morals down the throat of the rest of the United States.
forgot something, there.
mmy, that’s what I meant by stupid. The scenario she’s imagining is beyond contrived. Since when are pedophiles known for showing up at kids’ parties to kidnap them? Has that ever happened?
I didn’t say Alkon isn’t stupid, just that she’s so dumb, you can’t accuse her of being boring.
never tried to jam down her morals down the throat of the rest of the United States, over and over until her morals spurted out in great streams
Further enhanced.
Consider this an invoice for disturbing me: $63.20, which is my hourly rate for writing, since I’ll probably lose at least an hour thanks to your interruption. I’ll now try to go back to sleep so I can get my writing done.
She bills naptime?
Sounds like she writes while she sleeps, too.
Also, re the picture: Jonah’s lost weight!
say, actor, can I have some of that herbal tea you’re drinking?
Also, re the picture: Jonah’s lost weight!
Clearly this was taken just after a meeting of the Privvy Council, in which he shat a horse.
Mingo,
It’s a bit runnier than you’d like.
never tried to jam down her morals
I thought you people called it ‘jelly’.
Jelly is smooth, jam has chunks.
Shorter John Hinderaker: Even hardcore partisan Democrats like Thomas Friedman realize Palestinians aren’t really people.
I thought you people called it ‘jelly’.
Must be jelly cuz jam don’t shake like that.
Just when you’re unsure how the narcissistic nazi wing of the GOP is going to next show their true colors, you get this. (Don’t miss the comments section…)
How the hell does someone “unconcede?” Isn’t that something like “unconceive?”
Imagine the torrent of rancor from the right if someone like Al Gore or John Kerry had “unconceded,” in the light that a vote count was closer than originally reported on election night in someplace like, oh, idunno, Ohio or perhaps Florida?
Obama’s going to pardon Turkey?
More proof he’s a secret muslim.
How the hell does someone “unconcede?”
Very simple.
The act of conceding has absolutely no legal binding on the candidate. All it means is that he has, in effect, stopped all efforts to win election. It’s more like dropping out of a race than admitting defeat.
The only thing that is official in any election is the certified count of votes.
Put it this way: if Hoffman concedes, and upon recount, it turns out he actually won, he would not be wrong…in fact, he’d be forced…to take his seat in Congress.
(Don’t miss the comments section…)
Phew. That’s some ignorant, angry 27 percenters there. It would be an insult to our lizard brethren to call them “lizard-brained.” If you go there, use a spittle shield. H1N1, you know.
Sorry, late to return to thread, so much happening today.
Fixx0red for great justice.
you should give to NRO to keep my lard-ass in ranch dressing, fried turkey legs,
You know, Jonah’s left hand is empty.
Don’t miss the comments section…
Uh, yeah, no. I actually Trusted the Shorter today and am not about to spoil my brain with some gnarly comments on The Hill.
It is to funny forever.
Ped, I caught that comment too.
If the recapture of a few hundred votes in a formerly obscure Republican district in upstate New York is indicative of the conservative takeover of 2010, then this comment is evidence that I will win the Nobel Prize for Literature in 2010.
“Yes, if I knew this information at the election night, I would not have conceded,” Hoffman said. Beck asked him again if he was “unconceding” and Hoffman replied, “If that’s possible, yes.”
Is this their official break from reality? Will they open up a new Congress, next to a landfill somewhere outside of the DC beltway?
Who will be their
presidentking, and will he beelecteddivinely chosen by a hot dog eating contest?Also, not to step on the yuks, but Hoffman hasn’t contested the results, but is bravely waiting to see if the votes go in his favor.
Commenters on Think Progress may be liberal, but wow, they do not bring the funny, even with all the trying.
The photoshop is genius, btw. It fairly screams “Blart!”
Also, Sarah Palin is a whiner who whines. Also, too.
I think that if you’re going to decry the sexism of this cover at all, the headline could be interpreted as more sexist than a picture that she voluntary posed for, “out of context” or not.
Palin is the world’s largest and most elaborate social science experiment to prove the theory that conservatives love anything that liberals hate.
It is really the only thing that drives and unifies them. The more annoyed we become, the more fawning and absurd they get about her.
That’s what they loved so much about her “great speech” at the RNC – it was 36 minutes of pissing off liberals. The village loved the speech too, because they enjoy pissing off liberals too, for non-identical stupid reasons.
That’s what they loved so much about her “great speech” at the RNC – it was 36 minutes of pissing off liberals.
Oh, definitely. I didn’t understand what was so “great” about that speech, other than that it was hateful, condescending, and divisive.
Hey, you know who else gave “great” speeches?
That’s what they loved so much about her “great speech” at the RNC – it was 36 minutes of pissing off liberals.
“Pissing off liberals” is the be-all and end-all of these people.
So once again with the cartridges and military imagery from a bunch of tin can chicken hawks. Yeah, I want Jonah beside me on the porch with a rifle when those zombies come.
Well, I clicked the link.
Hmm. A sign of future go come, please?
Second try I was given access.
All I have to point out is:
Aren’t those 7.62x39mm rounds? You know, the ones used AK-47 and it’s dozens of copies around the world? The ones from THE EVIL COMMULIBERALNISTS! (queue SN militarist wing) Is NRO going to fight zombies with COMMUNIST weapons?
Or am I mistaken?
“Yeah, I want Jonah beside me on the porch with a rifle when those zombies come.”
Hey, what did zrm ever do to you?
Yeah, I want Jonah beside me on the porch with a rifle when those zombies come.
I sure do!
When the ammo runs out, I can outrun Jonah.
Or am I mistaken?
I don’t know, but if they are, I just wanna say that AK-47s are, like, the worst guns you could use against zombies.
“Pissing off liberals” for a value roughly equaling “laughing at conservatives for picking this person so appallingly dumb she can’t even properly deliver a scripted speech at a friendly venue.” Oooooh, so very angry! I stomp my little feet in fury!
T&U,
Now that depends on the circumstances…if you have a wandering group of shambling zombies chasing you, your basic semi-automatic or automatic rifle will suffice to slow them down enough over short distances, and you really don’t have to worry about aiming.
Plus, your basic AK-47 handles difficult conditions, like rain and sand, with aplomb, unlike your basic M-16.
Now, I agree, if you’re defending your basic unshit-moated keep, your basic AK-47 is not an effective killing machine, since you don’t want to merely injure them, but take them down and make sure they stay down. Let them pile up and attract other zombies in the area, and next thing you know, they’re climbing into second story windows and now it’s all hand-to-hand combat and shit.
In that event, you want a way to bottleneck them so that a sniper can pick them off with your basic M24 sniper rifle or Dragonov SVD, but of course, the proviso there is you’ve stocked up enough magazines to keep the bullets flowing.
And that’s before you consider the fast moving jerky zombies of your 28 Days later variety…
I don’t know, but if they are, I just wanna say that AK-47s are, like, the worst guns you could use against zombies.
Why? Because they can’t handle silver bullets?
Hoffman hasn’t contested the results, but is bravely waiting to see if the votes go in his favor.
Or, in the words of Amanda at TP, he’s un-unconceding.
This came in just past the nominal 3pm ET deadline for Daily Show material. I’ll be making sure not to miss TDS tonight and tomorrow — Jon will not be able to resist the Hoffman irony lode.
I think that if you’re going to decry the sexism of this cover at all, the headline could be interpreted as more sexist than a picture that she voluntary posed for, “out of context” or not.
I’m a little curious about the process of Newsweek getting a photo like that. I’m sure they paid for the rights, but since it was from a photo shoot for another magazine, who owns the rights?
And when Palin posed for that story, wasn’t there a release she signed that said they could sell the photos? She’s lucky they sold it for a national news mag cover, not somethng else.
Talk about a whiner – she’s got herself on the cover of Newsweek and she’s complaining about it.
Palin complaining about sexism – you know what’s really sexist?
Assuming that you don’t have to have a serious grasp of public policy when you’re being interviewed by a national news anchor, just because she happens to be a woman. Thinking you can wing it, because the woman news anchor has “low self esteem.” And assuming that what the woman news anchor and the nation wants to hear is about “what its like to be a mom” and other “fun and light” stuff.
Speaking as a testicle-possessor, […]
It occurs to me that teabaggers are testicle reposessors. Why I never thought of this before, and why I share it with you now are both complete mysteries to me.
Unconcede all you want, buddy. Owens was sworn in on the 6th.
I’m sure they paid for the rights, but since it was from a photo shoot for another magazine, who owns the rights?
Interesting question.
Presumably, the rights were owned by Emmaus Publishing, which owns Rodale which owns Runner’s World.
This means that Palin had to sign the rights to her image (a model release) or more likely, had to acknowledge that the photography session was for editorial purposes.
The actual deal with the photographer would depend on whether he is working on staff or freelancing. Likely, he’s a staff photographer (just makes things easier for the publisher), which means he never actually had rights to the photo. If he’s freelancing, he may retain certain rights to the photo, including the right to sell it to Newsweek after RW’s first refusal rights.
In the end, six of one, half dozen of the other: Newsweek saw the photo, bought it for the specific use as the cover and she should shut the fuck up.
To be fair, Gore did, iirc, concede and then unconcede, all in the space of a half an hour. This is somewhat different than waiting two weeks, during which time the other guy is actually seated.
“Homer, you shot Zombie Pantload!”
“He was a zombie?”
if you have a wandering group of shambling zombies chasing you, your basic semi-automatic or automatic rifle will suffice to slow them down enough over short distances, and you really don’t have to worry about aiming.
You’re correct about that, but you also have to take into account the noise factor. Is injuring a shambling group of zombies really worth shooting off a shit-ton of rounds from a really loud weapon that could alert zombies for miles around that lunch is nearby? Plus, that thing’s, what, five pounds with a loaded magazine? That’s pretty heavy, especially if you’re carrying other gear. I mean, it’ll do in a pinch, but it’s not my choice weapon, and really, if it were a choice between running and mowing down some zombies with an AK-47, I’d choose running.
The 28 Days Later zombies scare the crap out of me. I don’t even want to think about fighting them.
Speaking as a testicle-possessor, […]
It occurs to me that teabaggers are testicle reposessors. Why I never thought of this before, and why I share it with you now are both complete mysteries to me.
I smell a remake of “Repo Man.” Or maybe I just smell the teabaggers.
I kinda think you’re all missing the bigger story: Newsweek, the quintessential Village mouthpiece, whose editor twice in two weeks made the “point” that “America is a center-right country” thinks Palin is a looooseeeer.
You can bet it will be significant for her fundraising for any hypothetical future election runs that the Conventional Wisdom says she’s bad for Republicans and bad for America.
Fuck Newsweek with a rusty scythe, but as a measure of what the Brooksian Middle thinks, it is significant.
and she should shut the fuck up.
Shorter Palin: “Wahhh! They’re being mean to me!”
Maybe she’ll quit.
Any Half-Life 2 player can tell you that shotguns are the way to go with both slow and fast zombies. Slow ones are killed with one shot; while fast ones are at least slowed down enough by the first shot to give you a chance for a second.
And now it gets interesting.
This was posted on the Runner’s World website:
So the photographer sold the picture to Runner’s World and submitted it to his stock photography website.
This means Newsweek bought it off that website, paying a one-time fee (probably significant) to the site and the photographer for all commercial rights.
I’m a little curious about the process of Newsweek getting a photo like that. I’m sure they paid for the rights, but since it was from a photo shoot for another magazine, who owns the rights?
They acquired it from the photographer, apparently. Runner’s World is already trying to distance itself from it.
This isn’t as bad as the time that people were complaining that Newsweek was sexist for having an un-retouched photo of her on its cover, but it’s pretty close.
tig:
“Pissing off liberals” for a value roughly equaling “laughing at conservatives for picking this person so appallingly dumb she can’t even properly deliver a scripted speech at a friendly venue.
No, I think she pulled off the RNC speech the way it was intended. It was as said above, insulting, derisive and divisive. It “worked” it was just horrible and demeaning.
Rule of thumb is generally that the usage rights to a photo belong to the subject, unless they sign those rights away ( and the first thing a professional does generally is have you sign those rights away), but the media on which the image is placed belong to the maker of that image- i.e. film, digital files, etc.
JonahBoomer!Is injuring a shambling group of zombies really worth shooting off a shit-ton of rounds from a really loud weapon that could alert zombies for miles around that lunch is nearby?
If you need to burst off a short suppressing round, yes. Usually, this means you have a means of getting the hell the way away from there, like a mechanized vehicle, probably uparmored, or a plane. Who cares how many zombies you attract if you’re at 30,000 feet?
Unless of course, you’ve just outrun Jonah Goldberg to the plane, in which case, you want to make as much fucking noise as possible.
Plus, that thing’s, what, five pounds with a loaded magazine?
That would be light for a gun. Hell, swords are three pounds easy! It’s true, it won’t be easy to carry, but soldiers do it, and so should you. KNOW YOUR ENEMY!
Now, for my bets, my weapon of choice in a stealth situation would be a slingshot. Silent, fairly accurate, easy to aim and adjust your shot, and with large size steel ballbearings, almost guaranteed to be fatal.
Well, un-undeadifying.
That’s what they loved so much about her “great speech” at the RNC – it was 36 minutes of pissing off liberals.
Because that’s what I want in a President. Someone who deliberately sets out to alienate half the citizenry.
Oh, and a stock company has two levels of rights management- Rights-Managed, in which the owner of the images charges a premium for certain types of use (for example, web vs. print), and royalty-free, in which the purchaser of the image pays a flat fee for use.
In neither of these cases would the subject of the image maintain any rights to the image in question- one of the things you pay for through a stock company (besides convenience) is legal clearance. The huge media company I work for has its own specific contract with the biggest stock photography houses, which spells out the conditions of usage in every case to the letter. I can’t believe that the company that owns Newsweek is any less careful.
The story at T&U’s link points out that what was controversial about that photo when it came out this summer wasn’t the pose or the attire, it was the way the flag was treated.
Sarah just uses “sexist” as her favored code of complaint. It’s second only to “how dare they make fun of my Down syndrome baby.”
What I find hard to believe, Tomm, is that Emmaus allowed him to take a photo from a current issue of the magazine and place it with a stock house.
She’s a runner, but she likes movies too.
And music.
Plus also:
You can thank the big meddling federal government for that one.
Favorite running movie?
Marathon Man
Palin’s comment about the Newsweek cover made me laugh:
She’s got absolutely ZERO self-awareness, doesn’t she?
The only other thing I’d like to add is I’ve been very fortunate to be a recipient of all the efforts people put into Title IX all those years ago where girls got equal opportunity to participate in sports and extracurricular activities because sports growing up were my world. I’m so thankful for Title IX allowing equal access to these opportunities, and I’m a huge proponent of girls being able to realize what they’re made of by participating in sports, and whatever I can do there I’m going to be doing.
Ooops. Has anyone told Debbie Schlussel?
If you need to burst off a short suppressing round, yes. Usually, this means you have a means of getting the hell the way away from there, like a mechanized vehicle, probably uparmored, or a plane. Who cares how many zombies you attract if you’re at 30,000 feet?
Okay, maybe, but that doesn’t mean that the AK-47 is going to be (or should be) anyone’s go-to weapon except in those exact circumstances. Normally, you’d be better off with some sort of bashing weapon (like a baseball bat or a crowbar or a tire iron) and a lighter gun. Yeah, three pounds isn’t that much, but if you can replace those three pounds with more effective stuff and/or ammunition,(or food or a first-aid kit) why wouldn’t you?
Now, for my bets, my weapon of choice in a stealth situation would be a slingshot. Silent, fairly accurate, easy to aim and adjust your shot, and with large size steel ballbearings, almost guaranteed to be fatal.
Fancy. A crossbow would work well, too.
Allowing girls to participate in sports only increases sexism, because nobody will know whether they would have been any good if they hadn’t been allowed to play.
and, um, Sarah?
The media will do anything to draw attention
That’s what their job is.
You can thank the big meddling federal government for that one.
A Japanese-American Hawaiian Democrat wrote that shit, by the way.
It occurs to me that teabaggers are testicle reposessors. Why I never thought of this before, and why I share it with you now are both complete mysteries to me.
I smell a remake of “Repo Man.” Or maybe I just smell the teabaggers.
No no no… “working at the ball wash, working at the ball wash, girl…”
No, I think she pulled off the RNC speech the way it was intended.
I suppose that’s true, but like I said, I wasn’t pissed, I was embarrassed for her and the party because she appeared to be really unintelligent in addition to mean.
She’s got absolutely ZERO self-awareness, doesn’t she?
See? They did vet her for the veep spot.
Actor-
That would be possible if the magazine licensed the rights to the photo for that specific use (which is possible for a magazine with a smallish readership- photos can be expensive), but the photographer retained rights to the image after said use. This is not uncommon practice.
I wasn’t pissed, I was embarrassed for her and the party because she appeared to be really unintelligent in addition to mean.</i.
I'll admit that I was fucking fuming. That bullshit, snarky, ignorant comment about "community organizers" pissed me the fuck off.
Then again, this was before I knew just how toxic she would be for the Republicans and just how dumb she would turn out to be. Now I think I would just laugh.
it shows why you shouldn’t judge a book by its cover, gender, or color of skin.
The skin colour of the book is indeed immaterial. You should pay more attention to the runes that were tattooed into the skin before its use in binding.
I confess that I have trouble distinguishing between male and female books.
It is fair, though, to judge a book by the name of the ghostwriter.
I wasn’t pissed, I was embarrassed for her and the party because she appeared to be really unintelligent in addition to mean.
I will admit that I was righteously PISSED. The snarky fucking comment about community organizers really got under my skin. (Let’s see you EVER do anything that real and important for your fellow human beings, Sarah). I knew that she was mean and dumb, but I also wasn’t sure if that would be a problem for most voters.
It was pretty satisfying to see her crash and burn and realize how toxic she was going to be to the Republican brand. Now I’d probably just laugh at a speech like that.
Favorite running movie?
Miracle Mile.
Male books have a lot more explosions and also bewbies in them.
Boobooks are a trigger for Jennifer.
Back after a bit of an absence. Glad to see that nothing stops the snark.
Re: Mooseburger’s “book”: The single best thing about it is its review on Amazon by Jesus’ General.
28 Days Later.
Favorite running movie?
Gallipoli
Fancy. A crossbow would work well, too.
I’m thinking the short-barreled shotgun may be your weapon of choice. Not a lot of aiming required and you’re bound hit most anything in the general direction you’re aiming. If one has the time, an array of waist-high Claymores could probably be effective for homestand defense, but in such cases a flamethrower can be helpful and driving the survivors off the carcasses. Just a thought.
And ZRM, this is about the other Zombies. Yeah, those ones.
Favorite running movie?
She deserves credit for not citing The Running Man.
Favorite running movie?
Well, most apropos to Li’l Sarah Pantytwist, would it have to be “Forrest Gump?”
“Run Forrest, run!”
Title IX was one of the best pieces of legislation I shaped into law.
Yeah, I want Jonah beside me on the porch with a rifle when those zombies come.
frankly, honus, you wound.
Zombies have better discretion than that. We are inherently liberal; last allowed group to discriminate against,you know.
We’d just enlist your help in stringing Jonah up over the barbecue. You wouldn’t have to partake, of course; regardless of the hideous misrepresentations of the bastard Romero, we are basically live and let live. A brain or two, occasionally, and maybe some medicinal herb, and most zombies are good.
Favorite running movie?
Running On Empty. Running Scared.
some medicinal herb, and most zombies are good
Oh, great, hippie burn-out zombies. (“How can you tell?” some may ask.)
I think it should be pointed out that WRT zombies, Jonah is, as is his wont, completely stupid.
Favorite running movie?
Obvious choice: Logan’s Run
Cos it has death panel references as well (Lastday, Carrousel, etc.)
Now that depends on the circumstances…if you have a wandering group of shambling zombies chasing you….
I think you folks are just trying to piss me off now.
That’s the kind of talk that will get you assigned to a LongPig camp after the zombocalypse, that is.
But maybe I reveal too much.
…an array of waist-high Claymores
How would you swing them?
Any Half-Life 2 player can tell you that shotguns are the way to go with both slow and fast zombies. Slow ones are killed with one shot; while fast ones are at least slowed down enough by the first shot to give you a chance for a second.
Hateful.
Favorite running movie?
Silent Running.
Hateful.
You don’t want to know what happens to the non-undead opponents in the game.
Hateful.
Oh, there, there ZRM. We weren’t talking about you. You’re one of the good ones.
game, sure.
wait till you see what happens to the engineers after the zombocalypse.
Oh, there, there ZRM. We weren’t talking about you. You’re one of the good ones.
Oh, sure. Just like the RNC says about Michael Steele.
Any Half-Life 2 player can tell you that shotguns are the way to go with both slow and fast zombies.
Or I could just shoot Jonah in the foot and then run like hell. I don’t have to outrun the Zombies, I just have to outrun him.
Or I could just shoot Jonah in the foot …
regardless of the presence of zombies, this seems like a good idea.
game, sure.”
The phrase you’re looking for is “Game? This wasn’t meant to be a game.”
One of the best lines from the best movie ever made.*
*As I believed in 1975
Favorite running movie?
Silent Running.
Not gonna happen.
“We’d just enlist your help in stringing Jonah up over the barbecue.”
Dude, you’d starve.
Then you’d be all shambling after us again.
Or I could just shoot Jonah in the foot and then run like hell. I don’t have to outrun the Zombies, I just have to outrun him.
And hopefully you can do that without shooting Jonah in the foot. I have furniture that could beat Jonah in a foot race.
One of the best lines from the best movie ever made.*
James Caan fan?
I stand corrected.
Favorite running movie?
Cool Runnings.
And, Imma gonna repeat it to the mods. Jonah needs a turkey leg or ham hock or lamb shank inna his left hand.
Huh. Shades of Fort Hood. Israeli soldiers are mutinying because they don’t want to inflict harm on their coreligionists (in this case, illegal Jewish settlers). Religious nutcases? Should they be screened out of the IDF?
http://www.reuters.com/article/newsOne/idUSTRE5AG2KU20091117?pageNumber=1&virtualBrandChannel=11621
Then you’d be all shambling after us again.
Total misconception.
A little Thai, maybe some Mexican, we’re good. Some PS3, Rockband (what, no Mekons?) maybe some MST3K….
Damn that Romero anyway.
So wait a minute. Why do you have to shoot Jonah in his foot? He miss?
I
standshamble corrected.Corrected.
Portrait of Jonassandro del Oroburro (17th cent.)
Oroburro… oroborous- the snake that devours it’s own tail… burro-a donkey, also known as an ass…
Oroburro, the jackass with its head up its ass!
Well played, Monsieur Tin Tin!
Extra bonus for the allusion to the Golden Ass of Apuleius!
Oh, sure. Just like the RNC says about Michael Steele.
Oh, come on. You are so much more than just a token Undead-American.
One of the best lines from the best movie ever made.
Admit it; you secretly preferred the 2002 remake.
And hopefully you can do that without shooting Jonah in the foot. I have furniture that could beat Jonah in a foot race.
Well, yes. But the other way, you get the benefit of shooting Jonah in the foot.
Admit it; you secretly preferred the 2002 remake.
There was no remake. It’s too bad that one wasn’t made, just as it’s too bad that there were no sequels to The Matrix and it’s too bad that the Godfather series ended after Godfather 2.
How would you swing them?
With asplodely part pointed away, I believe.
You are so much more than just a token Undead-American.
True. He’s a veritable walking buffet for seagulls and pigeons.
Zombie movie wannabes are everywhere.
http://portland.craigslist.org/mlt/cwg/1450103253.html
EVERYWHERE!
Favorite running movie?
There is always the German scat genre.
Oh, sure. Just like the RNC says about Michael Steele.
Hey, some of my best friends are zombies, I just don’t think they should opposite-marry the living…
Zombie Honeymoon was NOT A DOCUMENTARY, tigrismus.
Story is about a teenage suicidal homeless zombie who falls in love with a trans-gender boy.
Yet another documentary about Portland.
“Nonpartisan” liberal media watchdog CMPA concludes that Fox is indeed “fair and balanced” by narrowing the sample size to a meaningless window of insignificance.
From paragraphs five and six:
Christ. All you gotta do is read the article and the odor of bullshit knocks you over before you even get a third of the way through it, but the headlines are all over the place, with no rebuttals. Memeorandum shows nobody calling out this obvious brownwash — only Wingnut blogs trumpeting yet another expose of the Librul Mee-dya.
Yeah, I want Jonah beside me on the porch with a rifle when those zombies come.
Nah, you really want a dwarf with an inexplicably inexhaustible supply of molotov cocktails beside you.
Could I get that crossbow from “Van Helsing” which had several million bolts (arrows) in it?
True. He’s a veritable walking buffet for seagulls and pigeons.
I hate you with the fiery viciousness of steelworkers.
All you gotta do is read the article and the odor of bullshit knocks you over before you even get a third of the way through it,
I couldn’t get past the photo. Terrifying. *That* is the kind of dude who gives the undead a bad name.
Hey, some of my best friends are zombies, I just don’t think they should opposite-marry the living…
Well, we COULD start a discussion about rigidity of various appendages…..
Hey now. All this zombie hating is distracting us from the real enemies. Ninjas. Or robots. Or robot ninjas. Or mimes. Yeah, lets go with mimes. I would totally work with zombies to fight mimes.
Whoa. Rod Dreher was just on NPR panning “Going Rogue”. Shorter: all dish and revenge, no substance.
I believe the zombocalypse is near.
“In case of zombocalypse, this post will be abandoned.”
I would totally work with zombies to fight mimes.
FYWP wouldn’t let me link to this strip last time I tried.
Could I get that crossbow from “Van Helsing” which had several million bolts (arrows) in it?
You can have the crossbow, I’ll take a leather-clad Kate Beckinsale!
Raw material for future photoshops.
Favorite running movie?
“Cannonball Run.”
Well, we COULD start a discussion about rigidity of various appendages…..
Let’s discuss their detachability at the same time, shall we?
Favorite running movie?
“Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill!”
Favorite running movie?
“Ran.”
Re: CMPA
Yeah, non-partisan.
The Dash Board.
Mommy is too exhausted to come up with a caption.
[and thanks tigrismus for the heads up on the soy-free “buttery spread”. It’s actually pretty good.]
Ah, revisiting the comment: Could I get that crossbow from “Van Helsing” which had several million bolts (arrows) in it?
This made me think, “Where the hell have I seen that before?”
From the worst movie ever… until Van Helsing came out.
Glad I could be of some service, Marita, and I hope it helps you solve the Recent Unpleasantness you all have been having to deal with.
Mommy is too exhausted to come up with a caption.
Your child has Anomalocaris mouthparts. Are you sure this is right?
Sorry, should be “Anomnomnomalocaris mouthparts”.
Could I get that crossbow from “Van Helsing” which had several million bolts (arrows) in it?
now that is a helluvan idea when it comes tom mimes.
Let’s discuss their detachability at the same time, shall we?
I believe King Missile has already dealt with this in detail. No linky cuz I’m lazy, and besides you should stay in the damn boat.
Favorite running movie?
“Two Girls One Cup”
Damn all you zombie haters.
Raw material for future photoshops.
Hey, that’s my boss!
favorite running movie?
Ran
favorite running movie?
Run LOL Run– Pantload needs to get 100,000 Deutsche Mark in 20 minutes to save NRO. The movie shows us three possible versions of events. The best has Pantload stopping in a KFC for a bucket of chicken, which prevents him from accomplishing his task.
Hee hee, that’s actually perfect; he’ll even do the high-pitched screaming bit.
The best part is, he’ll have the same spiky orange ‘do, as he nervously runs his Cheeto-stained, greasy fingers through his hair.
“Zombies have better discretion than that. We are inherently liberal; last allowed group to discriminate against,you know.
We’d just enlist your help in stringing Jonah up over the barbecue. You wouldn’t have to partake, of course; regardless of the hideous misrepresentations of the bastard Romero, ”
Sorry ZRM, I’m just culturally deprived. I grew up near Pittsburgh in the early 70s. I mean, I personally knew all those extras in Romero’s first movie.
This thread has revived my faith in this site. Where else can you get into a serious discussion of the best tactical weapon to use in a zombie attack? All that talk about 47s and 7.62 rounds mad me think I had hit Bobowen’s blog by mistake.
BFG, mofos!
~
Ok, I hate to say this but all of ya’ll are full of shit WRT both having Jonah next to you when facing down a shamble of hungry zombies (a shamble of zombies is analogous to a murder of crows) and about the best weapon to have to defend against zombies.
Point the first: Jonah is exactly who you’d want to have next to you when the zombies show up because not only can you easily outrun him, as others have pointed out, but also because there’s so much Jonah to feast upon that those zombies will be distracted and occupied for more than long enough for you to make a clean getaway.
Point the second: the best weapon you could possibly have to defend against a group of hungry zombies: Bugs Bunny.
Bugs Bunny will only distract the zombies momentarily with his drag routine. Then they’ll stop laughing and eat rabbit brains for dinner.
Then they’ll stop laughing and eat rabbit brains for dinner.
Oh, please. As we all know, Bugs Bunny can produce whatever weapon/tactic/scheme necessary at any given moment. Bugs Bunny isn’t just a cartoon rabbit; he’s an entire fucking arsenal.
I just can’t see killing shambling hordes with anvils and wooden mallets.
Bugs Bunny doesn’t need anvils. He’ll have the shambling hordes eating each other within minutes. Or he’ll give them a TNT-flavored corpse to chew on…
favorite running movie?
C’mon–this is obvious, for any Republican?
Gotta be “Chicken Run”
The Dash Board.
That’s beyond a cute baby. That’s practically an advertisement for having babies.
Speaking of pictures, I was thinking that the majestic portrait up top made Jonah look like Henry the Eighth — if he had swallowed Henrys the First through Seventh.
Hey–serious query for all the venerable sadlies: been toying with the idea of starting my own humble blog. Any suggestions, guidance, pitfalls to avoid, preferred hosting services, or handy hints anyone would care to weigh in with?
Any suggestions, guidance, pitfalls to avoid, preferred hosting services, or handy hints anyone would care to weigh in with?
That depends. Where do you stand on circumcision?
Oh, and yes, moar Dash-Board pleez. Those adorable chubby cheeks made me spontaneously ovulate–and I’m not even a woman!
Any suggestions, guidance, pitfalls to avoid, preferred hosting services, or handy hints anyone would care to weigh in with?
Be prepared for an onslaught of enraged Fuschia fanboys.
And no Dobbs/O’Reilly slash.
Thanks BBBB, but I probably wouldn’t use my usual nym, at least in the title. I’ve just used it for everything since I first read Peake about 30 years ago.
I probably wouldn’t use my usual nym, at least in the title.
Ahh… do a 180 and use “Flay” or, dare I say it… “Swelter”.
And I repeat, NO Dobbs/O’Reilly slash- or maybe just a little.
How about “Sepulchrave”. I always thought that sounded goth
Well, I am off to bed now–5:00 comes early. If anyone has any advice for me about starting a blog, please do throw them on this thread, and I will check in in the morning.
Gormenghast / Lovecraft cross-overs also probably a bad idea, as likely to attract all manner of unsavoury fanboys.
Though I personally suspect that Dr Prunesqualor would cope quite well with an eldritch horror from another dimension.
Call it “Eaten By Owls”.
The following is a serious line from a serious book review of Going Rogue.
“Like a lot of people, as soon as I got my copy of Sarah Palin’s “Going Rogue,” I immediately thought of the German literary critic Hans Robert Jauss”
http://tbogg.firedoglake.com/2009/11/17/matthew-continetti-will-continue-to-stalk-you-until-you-promise-to-love-sarah-palin-long-time-joe/
Chicken Run? An army of downtrodden peasants teaming together to escape their bourgoisie overlords and set up a communal society on a distant island? You think Republicans like that movie? You krazy, dood.
How to play brussels sprout soccer
What about a brussels sprout cannon to stop the zombie horde? If you have zombietarian sympathies you could even boil them for a couple of weeks to make them soft enough only to maim.
You know, I actually saw Paul Blart, Mall Cop, and while it wasn’t what you would call “good”, the Blart character turned out to be pretty sympathetic. Also, when the shit hit the fan, he didn’t freak out or cower or whatever; he did what he had to do. Plus that crazy-eyed woman from Glee was in it.
If you have zombietarian sympathies you could even boil them for a couple of weeks…
Zombies taste much better pan-fried. Boiling brings out that formaldehyde thing they have going.
Steerpike:
Never had any real problems w/ blogspot/bugger. Typepad & WordPress (FYWP!) may offer more options (or not) but I’d s’pect more options, more work involved.
If you don’t want anything too fancy, & are most interested in typing, rather than fabulous full-screen photo displays, say, probably no reason to go beyond Google’s hosting service. (Other than it’s Google’s.)
Don’t let any of these bastards (large, evil, balding or otherwise) influence content decisions. They can start their own piles of crud, if they want to be editors!!
Just click on the handles here of those who have blogs, you’ll get a good idea of which host does what, & how it looks. (Gawd-damn pimp.)
Never be modest, & run lots of pix of female celebs in cheesecake poses. That keeps your hits up & you’ll feel better about yourself, even if the sex-starved weirdos aren’t reading anything you’ve typed.
I’m headed to bed. I’ve been flying all night and I’m starting to resemble a zombie myself.
Steerpike, make sure to check out http://www.tumblr.com/ and http://posterous.com/ both are easy to use and easy on the eyes.
“It’s too bad that one wasn’t made, just as it’s too bad that there were no sequels to The Matrix and it’s too bad that the Godfather series ended after Godfather 2.”
It’s a good thing the folks behind PIRATES OF THE CARRIBEAN quit while they were ahead, as well. And thank God George Lucas thought that doing three SW prequels was an exploitative, amazingly stupid idea, else we would have been in a world of hurt.
I don’t know about “work with.”
I would, however, certainly feed the mimes to the zombies.
I would, however, certainly feed the mimes to the zombies.
Just remember to hold the mimes on your flat, open palm. If you try to feed them directly to the zombies, you may be bitten.
What’s the fat bearded nerd equivalent of an Uncle Tom? Uncle Jesse maybe?
Anyway, my point is, stop it Jonah. You’re making the rest of us fat bearded nerds look bad.
Seriously, people! We aren’t all intellectually stunted amoral clods! Honest!
I have heard the ‘calling up the rude guy who recites his number over a cellphone’ story twice before over the last couple of years, so on Amy I call enough bullshit to fill a medium-sized moat.
And really, a Volvo and a yoga mat? Bitch puh-leeze.
I’ve been flying all night and I’m starting to resemble a zombie myself.
Yikes, your arms must be tired. And the Zombie parts loss feature might have more drastic consequences at altitude. Just sayin’.
OK, here’s my problem with zombies: when and why do they stop eating? Logically only people who are bitten and then escape, but do not subsequently blow their own brains out, will actually become zombies – as all other victims will be eaten – so how is the zombie horde created? How well can a virus survive if its carriers immediately eat each new host? Zombies don’t eat other zombies, so if you’re a zombie, is there a point when you’re chowin’ down on a fresh human and it suddenly becomes a zombie so you stop eating, leaving enough of the victim uneaten to form a viable zombie?
Back in the old days, zombies would rise from the grave due to some spooky mist or similar effect, and this worked because there was a ready supply of dead but uneaten corpses for zombification. Without this, in our new-fangled, technological, virus-based zombie system, how do zombies ever create more zombies (apart from a presumably small minority of bite-escapees) instead of just eating the victims?
I ask because I’m aware that there is at least on member of the zombie community on this board, so I was hoping for an insider perspective.
I ask because I’m aware that there is at least on member of the zombie community on this board, so I was hoping for an insider perspective.
Well, I would say that you might want to avoid any invitations to “come over for a snack.” But if you do accept such an invite, bring bud. Good stuff, tho.
kiki–read The Zombie Survival Guide by Max Brooks for serious discussion of the Zombie virus and the plague’s vectors (although World War Z is a better read).
Thanks all for your advice to the blogger wannabe, I do click over to some of the sites linked here. I especially enjoy Simply Left Behind, ITTDGY and Madame Bouffant’s place. Please keep the suggestions coming.
Of course. When I said ‘an insider perspective’, I didn’t mean the perspective from inside a zombie.
A particularly good (or bad) example of what I’m talking about is Dead Set, a UK TV series about a zombie outbreak in the enclosed and isolated set of the reality TV show Big Brother. In the penultimate scene, the last surviving human makes a doomed, last-gasp dash head-on into the zombie throng. In the final scene, we see her wandering around as a zombie with all the rest. She has a couple of scratches on her face, as if the hundred-odd zombies that were previously tearing the walls down to get at her sweet, sweet flesh had had a bit of a nibble, got bored, and wandered off.
My personal preference for a final scene would have been a pull-back-and-reveal shot of her severed but still blinking zombie head, sundered into some corner but still staring blankly at the monitors. It would have served better as a metaphor for our TV-narcotized society, and would also have avoided this lamentable highlighting of the Zombie Consistency Problem.
Maybe it is a (un?)natural population limit for zombies? Once a zombie infects and kills a corpse, it starts to eat it. But the reanimation makes the corpse a zombie, and it stops, and starts to look for another food source.
If, however, there is a shamble of zombies, they manage to destroy the body before reanimation.
This way the zombies to humans ratio will stop at certain level, because instead of being turned into another zombie, the corpse is consumed by the numerous existing zombies.
LD – So you’re saying that only successful lone zombie attacks could produce more zombies? I’m not sure. If nothing else, the ‘mid-consumption zombification’ theory would cause some socially awkward zombie moments – imagine you’re a zombie gnawing on a leg, and suddenly you realize that the owner of said leg has stopped screaming and is now staring at you with an expression that says, “Erm, I know I’m now a ravenous, hell-spawned flesh-eating machine with no consciousness or emotions as humans understand them, but could you stop eating my leg?” And you’d be all like, “Oh shit, I didn’t realize you were a zombie; I mean, you weren’t two minutes ago.” And then you’d never be able to look that guy in the (half a) face at all the zombie gatherings.
Oh, come on. You are so much more than just a token Undead-American.
Yea! I mean, we’d do a group hug and all but…you know, zombie.
The only Real Zombies are those who, like me, rose from the grave due to a spooky 1950s B-movie mist. All you heathenistic modern virus-made zombies can go back to Russia.
Kiki,
Now your basic answer depends on your basic zombie outbreak.
There are two kinds of zombies, the kind that die first and come back to life (the so-called Romero Zombie model) and the kind that get infected and die from the infection, zombifying in the process (the so-called 28 Days Later model)
Both have ravenous hungers and both will continue to eat long after one might consider they should be full.
Your basic “28” zombie is far more aggressive and, well, piggish. The virus forces a change in behavior, suppressing the superego and ego, allowing the id to reign supreme. Since “sex” for your basic virus laden zombie is about infecting others, pockets of humanity become your basic zombie orgy.
Not good, but fortunately, easy to avoid. They don’t “stealth” up on you and are not particularly quiet, all growling and shit.
Now, your basic “Romero” zombie is much slower to come to life and therefore reproduces much more slowly.
And, as was seen in the chilling documentary, your basic “Shaun Of The Dead”, they are even trainable, whereas training viral zombies, as seen in the horrifying tragedy “
Operation RescueResident Evil,” are lost causes when it comes to training.Indeed, “Shaun” demonstrates that zombies can be put to such simple tasks as grocery bagging, assembly line work and architecture. If one is careful, one can keep them perpetually chained to their tasks, practically forgoing your basic hunger for months or even years.
Once a zombie infects and kills a corpse, it starts to eat it.
Ah. I see the flaw in your perception.
Your basic zombie does not eat a corpse. That would be cannibalism.
Your basic zombie eats a human while it is still living, and the race is on to see if the human reanimates before the zombie(s) devour them.
And Kiki, despite what some books would tell you, Zombies do NOT mistake cauliflower for branes. It is a FICTION. Or so I have been told.
actor, I appreciate the reply, but I don’t think you’ve addressed my point. As you say, “Both have ravenous hungers and both will continue to eat long after one might consider they should be full”, so we’re still left with the problem of the relative rarity of a zombie ever stopping eating a victim in time for there to be enough of that victim left to form a zombie – the essential contradiction of a virus that wants to spread itself but resides within a host that wants to eat all other potential hosts.
Resident Evil sidestepped the issue quite neatly, in the first movie at least, by having teh evil comput0r kill everyone in the building at the start of the film, thereby providing the necessary supply of uneaten corpses. By having a virus that was bite-communicable to the living but also communicable through the air to the dead, it presented a modern take on the B-movie mist scenario.
and the race is on to see if the human reanimates before the zombie(s) devour them
As I say, I don’t find this explanation convincing, if only for the social reasons outlined above.
Just remember to hold the mimes on your flat, open palm. If you try to feed them directly to the zombies, you may be bitten.
And never, NEVER, look them in the eye. If they see even the slightest glimmer of intelligence, they’ll drop the mime like a bad habit and start chasing you.
This would explain why so many Republicans have survived the current zombie outbreak.
I’ve been working on some more sophisticated weaponry to combat zombies, including some normally non-lethal weapons, like targeting sound waves or microwaves to essentially turn the brains to goo. Early testing has been quite favorable, altho there is one unanticipated side effect: sales of Creed albums have skyrocketed.
We’ll work that out at Actor212 Enterprises.
One other intriguing possiblity has been the mass consumption of tequila. Preliminary data including testing on subjects similar to zombies (e.g. fraternity brothers and Young Republicans) suggests that consumption of enough tequila could possibly, and I stress possibly, cause enough dain bramage to stop the horde in its tracks.
The tricky part that we at Actor212 Labs have not quite figured out is the delivery system. We tried watermelons, which worked for a while until a bright zombie worked out that the seeds weren’t blod clots.
Also, we’re trying to suppress another side effect similar to the microwave effect. We’ve seen sales of Sammy Hagar albums creep upwards.
relative rarity of a zombie ever stopping eating a victim in time for there to be enough of that victim left to form a zombie
They are easily distracted by shiny things and Adam Sandler movies, so its quite possible that, if they attack a human in a jewelry store or a Blockbuster, they could commit multiple attacks and leave sufficient leftovers to create another zombie.
Oh, I see your question!
The answer is yes.
Oh, and the 28 Days Later guys aren’t zombies, they’re just ‘infected’. They have no undead attributes and, although they may be tougher as they won’t go into shock, they’ll go down with a couple of rounds to the chest, a disembowelling or any number of conventional kill methods. No seperation/destruction of the brain required.
I’ll have to have a bit of a think about whether this makes them more or less representative of the Zombie Consistency Problem than traditional undead zombies.
actor, you raise a good point. Clearly, if the threat of a zombie apocalypse rears its head, the first thing we must do to prevent infection is KILL ADAM SANDLER.
In fact, maybe we should just do that anyway, to be on the safe side.
Well, essentially, Kiki, it’s a factor of how the human dies, regardless of zombie influence or whatever.
If the brain is consumed or destroyed, no zombie, but food source.
Keep in mind that both Resident Evil and 28 Days Later took note of the fact that any animal is a potential zombie, inferriing that any animal can, in a pinch, be food for a zombie as well. The pitifully small supply of humanity on this planet might not allow for the continued existence of zombies, but certainly the animal biomass would make a more than sufficient source.
In addition, it is not unknown for a parasitic relationship to turn into suicide for the parasite.
“Suicide for the Parasite” is also an awesome name for a Creed or Sammy Hagar album, post-zombification.
if zombies are eating so much, where is the zombie poop? huh?
Oh, and the 28 Days Later guys aren’t zombies, they’re just ‘infected’.
Incurably.
A difference which makes no difference is no difference at Actor212 Laboratories.
if zombies are eating so much, where is the zombie poop?
Creed albums.
In fact, maybe we should just do that anyway, to be on the safe side.
Maybe we can get Jonah Goldberg to do it, and be sent away for life.
thanks actor. that explains so very much.
Incurably.
Well, as I said above, with the 28 Days Later guys there is at least a wider range of ‘cure’ available.
Totally off-topic, but the morning paper presented a most sublime example of the lack of self-awareness by wingtards that I feel compelled to share. Indeed, I believe I have found the Holy Grail of wingtard ignorance:
“The story about the Fort Hood shootings indicated that the attorney for Army Maj. Nidal Malik Hasan has objected to his client being charged with the murders while a patient in a San Antonio hospital.
Does this suggest that this whole sorry episode will be turned into the theater of the absurd with defense attorneys making a mockery of justice by using every delaying tactic possible?
Can you imagine what would happen if a Christian or Jew killed 13 Muslims in a public place in a Muslim country? The person would have been hacked to death within minutes of the event — and, I might add, rightly so.
Norbert L. Simon
Bastrop “
Well, it’s true. It was conceivably possible to starve the undead in 28 Days, but no one actually showed it to be possible and scientists at Actor212 LAbs tend to discount this theory, pending further study.
It’s the Creed music, you see. Scientists were committing suicide left and right.
However, one theory that did NOT make it into the 28 Days documentary series was the possiblity that a complete blood transfusion would sweep the virus out of the system.
Again, wave after wave of zombie outbreaks has taught us that this is a potentially devastatingly adaptable foe, and we should be prepared for mutations at a moment’s notice.
28 Days Later took note of the fact that any animal is a potential zombie
Turning into a film bore here, but I must take issue. The crow in 28 Days Later is feeding on an infected corpse, but is not infected. The rats are running from the infected, but not infected themselves. The monkeys at the start are obviously infected, but arguably that’s because they’re more similar to humans.
Resident Evil does indeed have groovy zombie dogs and crows.
…and one of the last shots at the end of 28 Days clearly shows a couple of infected dying of starvation on a country road.
Teh Origin of ZOMBIES.
The crow in 28 Days Later is feeding on an infected corpse, but is not infected. The rats are running from the infected, but not infected themselves. The monkeys at the start are obviously infected, but arguably that’s because they’re more similar to humans.
Well, rats running simply means they’re more clever than the zombies.
Now, the crow scene brought up an interesting discussion at Actor212 Labs: was the fact they were not mammalian a potential clue for a cure?
I can’t reveal much here, but I can say that there is much interest in exploring this.
was the fact they were not mammalian a potential clue for a cure?
It appears you’re not up on the latest (if somewhat inferior) research, described in the paper 28 Weeks Later. As with virtually all intractable scientific problems, the solution is, of course, an innocent blonde child.
Which is the most annoying mime genre? (We need an order of acceptable victims for this most ethical of discussions)
Personally I find the ‘Living Statue’ the most aesthetically abhorrent. (That’s just a polite way of saying they creep me out so much that I want to be physically violent towards them, especially the ones that like to make a sudden move towards you when you haven’t really noticed they’re there)
Interestingly, the worst I have ever come across was in York, on the The Shambles. Maybe he was a zombie mime artist?
…and one of the last shots at the end of 28 Days clearly shows a couple of infected dying of starvation on a country road.
While I love 28 Days Later, I don’t think it can be really seen as reflective of the true zombie experience.
Zombies don’t need “food”–they’re dead! They come after humans to spread the virus, and all they have left is instinct, so they feel the need to feed, but they won’t starve.
Can you imagine what would happen if a Christian or Jew killed 13 Muslims in a public place in a Muslim country? The person would have been hacked to death within minutes of the event — and, I might add, rightly so.
Can you imagine what would happen if a Christian or Jew killed 13 Muslims in a public place in the United States?
Yes, you can. Because it’s the same thing that’s happening to Hasan, a Muslim who killed 13 other people – the rule of law. And rightly so.
Rule of law is for communists and nazis. Here in Murka, we have good ‘ol justice by virtue of skin color. And it works!
I hope the next zombie movie is called
“Zombie Teabagger Apocalypse”
However, one theory that did NOT make it into the 28 Days documentary series was the possiblity that a complete blood transfusion would sweep the virus out of the system.
I’m glad they realized that was problematic and didn’t attempt it, because I’m sure it would have ended in disastrous results, and would have wasted massive amounts of perfectly good blood that could be used on uninfected people. As they noted, you can’t get every drop of blood out of a human being and put all new blood in him. Furthermore, the virus was most certainly in all his tissues and non-blood bodily fluids. It would be completely worthless.
the bigger, more important question, which you all seem too zombie-infected to consider; given this:
…at any given moment. Bugs Bunny isn’t just a cartoon rabbit; he’s an entire fucking arsenal.
Why hasn’t Bugs shown up as a bonus weapon in any FPS games yet?
But surely, whatever the ratio of turned to devoured is, if every bitten person is either turned or devoured, the inevitable end result will be the extinction of humans – which would, of course, be followed by the extinction of zombies.
Come to that, this also applies to werewolves and some species of vampire (particularly the From Dusk Til Dawn breed, who logically ought to wipe out humanity in weeks if not days).
The pre-Romero mist-raised zombie, the vampire whose victim has to drink HIS blood to turn, and the werewolf who is either the victim of a person-specific curse or has sold his soul, on the other hand, can all coexist with humans. (As species, that is. Obviously, on an individual level they’ll still kill humans whenever possible.)
It is worth noting that all of these were recorded long before the all-bitees-turn varieties, none of which is mentioned by researchers until the mid twentieth century. This in turn suggests that all-bitees-turn is a fairly recent mutation affecting all three species, and that its spread has so far been somehow contained: but if this containment ever fails, humans are doomed.
Why hasn’t Bugs shown up as a bonus weapon in any FPS games yet?
Bugs is an iconic character – not the sort you’d use in a throwaway cameo spot, but rather protaganist material. Also, being so very recognizable, he’s best suited for third-person titles such as:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bugs_Bunny_Rabbit_Rampage
or
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Looney_Tunes:_Acme_Arsenal
Clearly, if the threat of a zombie apocalypse rears its head, the first thing we must do to prevent infection is KILL ADAM SANDLER.
Why wait for the zombpocalypse?
Why wait for the zombpocalypse?
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0420223/
…and one of the last shots at the end of 28 Days clearly shows a couple of infected dying of starvation on a country road.
Please god let it be Sandra Bullock and Viggo Mortensen
Queek Suppression:
Bogs Bonnee, Zombie
“Nyeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeh, what’s up…..BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANES!”
Zombies don’t need “food”–they’re dead!
And yet, we have documented evidence of zombies eating human flesh other than brains, such as in the well-known footage from the original Night of the Living Dead where a little girl is eating the hand of a human like a slice of pizza.
Sociologists at Actor212 Laboratories have posited that this may serve the same function as food does in human society: a social outlet.
No one needs to eat pizza, but the whole parlor experience (or even sitting around watching football) makes for a social event that gathers humans together.
Similarly, it is possible that zombies congregate to exchange styling and make up tips or talk about the latest Mayan Soccer games (soccer using a human head as the ball).
Sociologists at Actor212 Laboratories have posited that this may serve the same function as food does in human society: a social outlet.
I’m going to have to see some science to back this up. Zombies’ neocortexes are basically destroyed, so I can’t imagine that they’re really interested in social interaction. I always figured that feeding was an instinctive thing.
No one needs to eat pizza…
Umm, a212 – who’s picture is that at the top of the page?
Zombies’ neocortexes are basically destroyed
Of course.
The groundbreaking sociological study, Monster Island, evocates not only the possible social interactions of zombies but in fact that a) not all zombies have their neocortexes destroyed but also b) there might even be enough quasi-human zombies to fashion a governing body that can direct and manipulate the zombie hordes.
Known as the Republican Party, this body relies on…
Umm, a212 – who’s picture is that at the top of the page?
This is central to my point!
“b) there might even be enough quasi-human zombies to fashion a governing body that can direct and manipulate the zombie hordes.
Known as the Republican Party,”
or Christianity
Anyways, let me pimp out SolidSharkey’s Monsters flick one more time. It’s got p00ping of pumpkins, social commentary, Godzilla, video games, Dunbar’s number and a healthy helping of PENIS. And it’s on-topic, which is usually a minus – but not so much this time since the topic is ZOMBIES.
This is central to my point!
I was thinking he is more (gravitationally) central to a planetary system.
And. Do Jonah’s belt loops have different ZIP codes?
Do Jonah’s belt loops have different ZIP codes?
Are you suggesting that when he sits around the house, he sits around the house?
Anyways, let me pimp out SolidSharkey’s Monsters flick one more time
Very informative. And snarky. Four and a half stars.
he sits around the house?
“House” is an inexact term. “Circus tent” is more accurate. And, it doubles as a bathrobe.
The groundbreaking sociological study, Monster Island, evocates not only the possible social interactions of zombies but in fact that a) not all zombies have their neocortexes destroyed but also b) there might even be enough quasi-human zombies to fashion a governing body that can direct and manipulate the zombie hordes.
Interesting. I suppose it makes sense that a zombiefying virus would have different affects on different people, and just as there are smarter people, there could be smarter zombies.
One has to love this:
in Roswell, NM.
Area 51. That’s where the vault copy is.
Roswell? I sense a conspiracy. “The Fourth Kind” was set in Alaska. Hmm.
well, come on. Of course zombies need to eat. Anything that moves, lurches, shambles, whatever, is burning energy and even if dead, the systems for converting food to calories are still there, why wouldn’t we make use of them?
Now, regarding the zombocalypse; during the early stages, of course, propaggation will be rapid becasue of the sheer numbers of breathers. Even Zombie Jonah won’t be able to ingest all the newly dead, so there will surely be some that retain enough…stuff.. to re-animate.
Then, as the numbers of zombies increase and breathers decrease, hunting will become harder, resulting in some die-off of unsuccessful zombies. Again, see Jonah. Well, they may not die, but they would not be able to sustain movement because of lack of energy. Feed a coma-zombie, he comes back to animation.
And the breathers would be re-populating, of course. Need I remind you of PENIS And VAJAYJAY?
So I would foresee arriving at a steady state. And that may fluctuate, depending on how unfriendly you breathers are, see Shaun of the Dead.
I recommend offering snacks, weed, and video games. All this talk of weaponry is sure to turn a shambling horde into irate brain-munchers.
Sarah Palin tells Rich Lowry that the phrase “death panels” is just a figure of speech, like “evil empire.”
That’s where the vault copy is.
The Red State Trike Force considering — at this moment — whether they should use her appearance as a diversion and grab it.
Seriously. I have sources.
I recommend offering snacks, weed, and video games.
Hang on.
Given the ravenous appetites of zombies to begin with AND the fact that weed causes the munchies, we’d have to turn about half the economy to producing HoHos and Zagnut bars!
Sarah Palin tells Rich Lowry
Wasn’t he the guy who swore Palin winked right at him during her acceptance speech?
How hard was he fapping during this interview? Can we trust he took good notes with one hand?
I recommend offering snacks, weed, and video games. All this talk of weaponry is sure to turn a shambling horde into irate brain-munchers.
Fair enough. I’m not a video game player, but I do make pretty good gluten-free pot brownies. I’m sure some of your people have Celiac, no?
How hard was he fapping during this interview? Can we trust he took good notes with one hand?
Yes, and yuck. Maybe that’s why it was co-written with Robert Costa.
I’m sure some of your people have Celiac, no?
You might want to put in some extra fibre too. Nothing worse than a zombie crapping bad Creed music.
crapping bad Creed music
Whoa. A triple redundancy. In the wild. You don’t see those very often.
Looch,
Actor212 Labs has discerned that, in fact, Creed music IS zombie spoor.
The Red State Trike Force considering — at this moment — whether they should use her appearance as a diversion and grab it.
First they’ll have to pass a motion about those splitters over at FreeRepublic.
we’d have to turn about half the economy to producing HoHos and Zagnut bars!
you prefer weapons and Adam Sandler movies?
you prefer weapons and Adam Sandler movies?
*tears hair out in horror*
*remembers first marriage already did that*
*runs around screaming loudly*
there might even be enough quasi-human zombies to fashion a governing body that can direct and manipulate the zombie hordes
This parliament just keeps getting funkier
Creed music IS zombie spoor
With all the brainy parts fully digested. Got it.
T&U: Mrs. Willy (let’s call her Fallsdownalot cuz she’s got MS) also has gluten-intolerance (DH). She wouldn’t switch to a gluten-free diet until I could make GF choco-chip cookies and brownies.
T&U: Mrs. Willy (let’s call her Fallsdownalot cuz she’s got MS) also has gluten-intolerance (DH). She wouldn’t switch to a gluten-free diet until I could make GF choco-chip cookies and brownies.
Man, she won the immune system dysfunction jackpot, didn’t she? She’d fit well in my family–I am just waiting for the lupus and/or rheumatoid arthritis to come along and kick my ass.
For me, crusty bread and good pizza crusts are very sorely missed. I need to do some experimentation when I have a little more time. I haven’t made or encountered anything that has fit the bill.
A real “live” zombie study
When zombies attack!: Mathematical modelling of an outbreak of zombie infection
Abstract
Zombies are a popular figure in pop culture/entertainment and they are usually portrayed as being brought about through an outbreak or epidemic. Consequently,we model a zombie attack, using biological assumptions based on popular zombie movies. We introduce a basic model for zombie infection, determine equilibria and their stability, and illustrate the outcome with numerical solutions… We show that only quick, aggressive attacks can stave off the doomsday scenario: the collapse of society as zombies overtake us all.
do branes have glutens?
Do branes have glutens?
No, but watch out for the glutens maximus, (near the PENIS)
zrm: branes are GF, and although Fallsdownalot shables with the best of them, she ain’t a zombie therefore is not interested in consuming branes.
T&U: Mrs. is an immune system wreck. It may not be the cause but her mom fed her raw eggs and bananas instead of breastfeeding her as an infant. She had read in the newspaper that welfare babies in Brooklyn thrived on it, so that was good enough for her baby. (yeah, she’s credulous like that.)
Just as hostile space aliens were the stand-ins for Cold War xenophobia, zombies are the stand-ins for feelings of insignificance and powerlessness in and disconnection from an increasingly over-populated society. Fear of the mindless masses as opposed to fear of the “other”.
When zombies attack!: Mathematical modelling of an outbreak of zombie infection
They ignored the 28 Days model…AT THE PERIL OF THEIR OWN LIVES!!!!!!!… (ominous ellipse)
do branes have glutens?
That depends on how many Cheetos the human has eaten.
is not interested in consuming branes.
Not even pan-seared, in a nice light wine sauce, with fresh steamed veggies?
Not even pan-seared, in a nice light wine sauce, with fresh steamed veggies?
Can I substitute a side salad?
It may not be the cause but her mom fed her raw eggs and bananas instead of breastfeeding her as an infant.
Oh, man. I was breastfed, but I just have really, really bad genes.
actor212 said,
November 17, 2009 at 20:59
What does it say that Oprah is following up her Palin interview by interviewing Jenna Jameson?”
That Oprah wants to get to know teabaggers from all walks of life.
I was breastfed, but I just have really, really bad genes.
Maybe your mom was a zombie?
Check with DKW.
Check with DKW.
Know who else checks with teh Dragon-King? Your mom.
Yay, celiac.
I’ve found the gf pizza crusts from http://consumer.kinnikinnick.com/index.cfm/fuseaction/consumer.home.html tolerable.
Don’t know about the branes, tho.