Video Friday is the Worst [and so are Updates]
What’s the worst hard rock song ever?
Definitely, without any contest, it’s this:
The Osmonds – ‘Crazy Horses,’ live TV appearance (2:21)
Continuing forward, who would be the hokiest, most inept, and most cluelessly self-parodying heavy metal ensemble ever to gain public attention? It’s these guys. First off, note that their musicianship is as intermediate-level as that of the stoner dudes who played at your high school battle of the bands. That’s not a bad thing per se; a lot of great bands can’t (or don’t) play well, and many would be less interesting if they did. [Note of clarification: Their early records are crungy treasures in a Motorhead/ Damned/ Misfits sort of way, but they never played live until years into the game.]
Venom – ‘Countess Bathory,’ live 1985 (3:32)
You’d think: If your drummer had a serious timing problem, such that when he attempts the tucka-tucka double-bass-drum thing he sounds like a man chasing after a train while carrying a suitcase with a shirttail sticking out of it — and if your guitarist goes into a palpable fugue of procrastination and suck-avoidance when the time comes for a solo because he can’t play anything more awesome than an arthritic cluster of eighth-notes, you’d probably want to steer things toward an aesthetic along the lines of, ‘We are satisfyingly loud and crude.’ You wouldn’t be all like, ‘Wë ärë äwësömë Røckë Gøddës whöm shällst hämmeth ït üp wïthst ëverÿ cöckämämïë Stäge Möve in ÿë Därkëth Grïmøirë øf ÿë Hëävÿë Mëtällë.’ The tongue — that fool even does the tongue! Also, how much do you think that stage setup cost, and who are all those fans who paid to see them? The world is a very strange place.
Worst attempt at New Wave? That’s certainly a tough one, and Japanese stuff doesn’t always count on the same scale as regular stuff — but this effort deserves an exploding unchi statuette for missing the point on every possible level.
Hikashu – ‘At The End Of The 20th Century,’ 1980 TV appearance (2:39)
That TV special also featured the always-decent Plastics, and a good mod-wave guitar band called P-Model, led by a guy named Susumu Hirasawa, who’s now doing some interesting retro-synthpop stuff. I’d post the link for the new stuff, but I’m still creeping into the server through the drainpipe and can’t post working links. Here’s the P-Model clip. Not bad, huh?
P-Model – ‘Art Mania,’ 1980 TV appearance (2:58)
Gav- “Crazy Horses” is awful, but “My Pal Foot-Foot” by the Shaggs is even worse.
Whoa! Is Crazy Horses from the time the Osmonds tried to shed their corn-fed, wholesome image and go all edgy? I believe that all ended in tears when Marie had a wardrobe malfunction…or was witnessed picking up quarters off tables with her snatch in a bar on the Reeperbahn or something. It’s all a hazy memory, now.
And to give Venom some credit…Countess Bathory is from the album entitled Ultimate Revenge for Disco. I say Disco-lovers got exactly what they deserved.
Venom is actually kind of considered a seminal band. A lot of the best Norwegian black metal bands were heavily influenced by Venom and by a band called Bathory. Venom also recorded the track “Black Metal” that gave the genre its name.
Of course, they’re sucking up a storm in that video. Best parts:
1. The guitar player starts to look real nervous when his “solo” is about to begin.
2. The bass player’s bass must have been pre-broken, because it shatters into a million pieces when he bangs it on the stage. Guitars are actually pretty difficult to break.
3. The drummer has a rad poodle mullet and about 32 rack toms. It’s a kit Mick Shrimpton would have been proud of.
Venom was pretty much the heaviest European metal band of the time. The heaviest American metal band of that time was probably Slayer. Slayer blows Venom’s doors off.
Not to mention
The.
Flames.
Are.
USELESS.
I worship at the altar of VENOM!!!!!!!!!!
black sabbath is the yardstick that ALL bands must be measured by.
“Crazy Horses” :shudder:.
Possibly the Worst. Rock Song. Premise. Ever…
That was horsesome.
I hate you Gavin. Now I can’t get that Osmonds thing out of my head. All I can add is WHAT THE FUCK!!!!
Sorry.
I liked that Hikashu thing. Ladies and gentlemen, the Japanese Sparks!
ummm…. they deserve an exploding what statuette? You have to put a link up or explain further.
Boku no nihongo wa warui… Kedo unchi wa zenzen wakaranai desu yo.
Harhar, when those two front men in Hikashu started rocking out, it was almost like each headbob was precisely measured for maximum awesomeness.
what was the purpose of the saxophonist in the Hikashu video? A 25 second solo on an elementary-school level horn (and probably a ridiculously soft reed as well)? I think I heard the correct pitch in the middle of his mouth chomping down on the mouthpiece on every other note.
Sorta reminds me of the Bosstone who did nothing but dance on stage. At least you could close your eyes and ignore that…
Venom is actually kind of considered a seminal band.
Yeah, the tragedy is that their first couple of albums are great — but they had some thing about not performing live until they had an äwësömë stäge shöw. So even though ‘Welcome to Hell’ came out in like 1981, they never actually played in front of an audience until ’84.
an exploding what statuette? You have to put a link up or explain further.
‘Google’ stands for ‘go ogle,’ so drop the ‘G’ for ‘Gav’ and Oogle it!
If you enjoyed the Venom clip, check out their entry on the “Celebrities at their Worst” CD. It’s clips of Venom’s stage banter in between songs.
Here is a link to the hilariousness:
You’re fuckin’ pretty loud, New Jersey!
is it me or does donny osmond sound like weird al there?