How Did I Miss This Masterpiece??!!?!!
Oh my God. This Cliff Kincaid article about the dangers of oral sex is the funniest thing I’ve seen since the time I overdubbed an episode of Saved by the Bell with the audio track from New Jack City (and let me tell ya, watching Mr. Belding call Screech a “little punk blasphemous dope fiend bitch” stands as one of the highlights of my admittedly uneventful life).
The scary thing is that this article has been posted for more than a month, and I’d never even seen it until today. I must be losing it in my young age.
At any rate, let’s roll the tape:
Rehabilitating Clinton
By Cliff Kincaid | December 13, 2005The former president who committed adultery with a White House intern and lied about it under oath is being rehabilitated by CBS News into a spokesman for good eating.
And honestly, I can’t think of anyone more appropriate for the job, if you know what I mean (and I think you do).
On November 18, the CBS Evening News ran a segment on “Eating With Bill Clinton,” giving the disgraced former president an opportunity to appear on national TV as a good role model. Nothing, of course, was said about his sexual addiction or serial womanizing.
I can’t imagine why. Maybe it’s because they, you know, actually wanted him to do the show. I mean, do you think that Bob Dole would agree to come on Meet the Press if he knew that he’d have to spend the whole time answering questions about his limp ding-dong?
But his status as a “former junk food fanatic” who has had a heart by-pass operation was the focus of the story.
Cliff. Seriously. Cliff. Do you honestly think that former president Bill Clinton would agree to come on the six o’clock news every week for the sole purpose of discussing his penis?
Well OK, so he might if you paid him a lot of money. Or maybe just bought him a sandwich. Never mind. I concede the point.
If Clinton can persuade kids to eat right, that’s great. But let’s face it: his sexual appetite has been as serious a problem as what he eats. And it’s in the sexual arena that he could really perform a public service. He should step forward and campaign against sexual diseases. That wouldn’t be a laughing matter.
Oh, but it would, Cliff. It really, really would:
“Take it from me, kids: getin’ burned by the clap is nothing to applaud!” (Buh-dum-bum!)
In fact, Clinton might be valuable in warning young people not to engage in oral sex. Clinton, who exploited Monica Lewinski for sexual gratification, could cite a Swedish study finding that some mouth cancers are caused by a virus contracted during oral sex. The study, conducted at the University of Malmo, found that individuals orally infected with human papilloma virus, HPV, are at a higher risk of developing oral cancer.
Kerstin Rosenquist, who headed the study, said that mouth cancer has been on the rise among young people and that the prevalence of HPV could be one of the factors.
It is a distinct possibility, of course, that more young people are engaging in oral sex and getting mouth cancer because of the example set by former junk food junkie Bill Clinton.
Fact: before Clinton got caught with Monica, only -12% of Americans knew what oral sex was, while only 2% knew that penises even existed. After Monicagate, those numbers skyrocketed to a 914,642,949,256,420,145,568,253,286,246% and 2.0000001%, respectively.
(Thanks to Glenn Greenwald, via G-Love, for the tip.)
Obviously, Brad, it’s because you don’t spend a lot of time thinking about oral sex.
I wonder if Cliff has ever heard of Jennifer Fitzgerald? You know; Bush 41’s mistress:
http://www.newsmax.com/archives/articles/2001/2/12/55616.shtml
Oh, that brings back memories of SPY magazine…
Wow, is American news media ever filthy! I mean, I can see boobies and pee-pee’s and hear fuck-words on network television where I live, but you guys get suck and fuck, all day long, even in Conservative media!
Man, that’s hot!
Yeah, have Clinton talk about sex, because if there’s one thing folks can’t get enough of it’s thinking about overweight old men having sex. Ratings bo-freaking-nanza!
I say, old chap, isn’t it Lewinsky, with a Y? I propose that the wingnuts are using intentional mis-spellings and shoddy grammar to propagate coded messages. Has anyone run Kaye Grogan’s ramblings past a cryptographer?
I say, old chap, isn’t it Lewinsky, with a Y? I propose that the wingnuts are using intentional mis-spellings and shoddy grammar to propagate coded messages. Has anyone run Kaye Grogan’s ramblings past a cryptographer?
Or simply Sean Astin?
It’s so true! I thought getting a BJ was yucky and would not allow it, no matter how much she wanted to, until Bill made it “OK”.
BTW, ever notice how gleefully they seem to be when reporting those STDs?
And unsurprisingly, he took the medical data out of context (emphasis mine):
Yes, well, Brad; I wouldn’t worry about the out-of-context quotation. After all, if the wingnuts get their way, a vaccine against HPV will be illegal, so plenty of young people will have the chance to pay for their sins by contracting those rare mouth cancers.
“Clinton tabbed to lead peace delegation to N. Korea”
Kincaid: Why is the North Korean MSM avoiding the biggest subject? I’m talking about the sex-starved Clinton, of course.
“Clinton to address Harvard Graduation”
Kincaid: I’ll just bet that he skips over the elephant in the Stadium. The meaning of is.
“Clinton to receive Nobel Peace Prize”
Kincaid: Why the Nobel voters didn’t take into account his love of blowjobs, I’ll never know.
“Clinton named most influential human in history”
Kincaid: The man may have been right about everything, according to ‘historians’, but he’s single handedly brought back the notion of ‘having sex’.
Oral sex is too damn loud, unless it is sotte vocce or Marcel Marceau sex.
“Clinton, who exploited Monica Lewinski for sexual gratification…”
Hm.
HMMM…
Time to go exploit my wife.
Time to go exploit my wife.
Goddamnit, there IS NO SEX in the Sadly, No! chatrooms.
Gee, I wonder if Cliff would be disappointed to find out that semen has antidepressant properties?
He should let his wife know – I’m sure the poor bird needs all the help she can get.
Bad open tag! Bad Jillian!
I’d say I’m depressed over it, but I suppose I can’t at this point, can I?
I think what he’s trying to say is:
“Great Sex” Can Ruin Your Life!
“…he’s single handedly brought back the notion of ‘having sex’.”
heh
single handedly
I wonder if he ever attended Oral Roberts University.
And it’s in the sexual arena that he could really perform a public service.
I feel like there’s a great joke here, but I’m too tired to think of it.
Did somebody say my name? What? You’re talking about oral sex? Oh.
Well, close enough–here I am!
I wonder if he ever attended Oral Roberts University.
BLT, you bring some powerful stupid to the table.
BLT, you bring some powerful stupid to the table.
I dunno, I thought it was pretty damn clever 🙂
“BLT, you bring some powerful stupid to the table.”
Thanks, Brad. Quite frankly, I found that Ron’s insult kind of sucked and I also found it rather hard to swallow.
Yeah, it really blew.
the University of Malmo
omg I laughed so hard when I read that.
Nothing, of course, was said about his sexual addiction or serial womanizing.
Because we know that whenever anyone has done anything bad in the past (yeah, I know, but go with me here), we always have to bring it up at every fucking opportunity possible, whether it was relevant to the conversation at hand or not. Cliff would make a great nagging housewife (with all due respect to nagging housewives everywhere).
Though we jest, myself included, can’t we all admit that decisions involving sexuality sometimes end up turning all of us into fools, sometimes fools who lose everything, and all too often, dead fools?
Decisions revolving around sex, made by all of us (nobody is righteous concerning this issue) are all too often made impulsively, with our minds, and spiritual selves, nearly completely disengaged, or, worse, self-destructively engaged? We are all weak concerning this issue (though we should probably expect a higher standard while a president is on duty in the White House), but we should all pray for strength to become increasingly more discerning and less self-absorbed, as it concerns sexual matters.
And BTW, though my comments were said with tongue-in-cheek (no pun intended, well, maybe a slight pun), my apologies to Oral Roberts, his family, and many fine scholars turned out by Oral Roberts University. Most of you are likely even more conservative than I am, but who am I to mock you when you are trying to make this world a better place by putting values back into our educational system? My apologies.
That being said, if my parents were ignorant, foolish, or cruel enough to name me Dick or Oral, I would give serious thought to an official name change. And, if named Richard, I would stick with Rick, Rich, or Richard, and not dabble with Dick.
I had a older brother named Peter (he died in 1997), and a younger one named Richard. Peter, Willie and Dick.(Actually, “Pete”, “Bill” or “Billy” and “Rich”. To our faces anyway.) Our oldest brother and the youngest are named Gary and Edward-so far we haven’t been able to come up with penis nicknames for them. But not for lack of trying.
Did either Gary or Edward develop penis-nickname-envy? How about penis dickname envy?
I wonder if he ever attended Oral Roberts University.
BTW, did you guys know that Oral’s son’s name is «Anal Roberts»?
I wonder if he ever attended Oral Roberts University.
BTW, did you guys know that Oral’s son’s name is «Anal Roberts»?
I make it a point to call guys named Gary or Edward by the name “Pud.”
Hey, calm down students and faculty. I’m assuming all of the angry emails I’ve been receiving are from all of you students and faculty at Oral Roberts University—you who so eagerly threaten to ban my music, bulldoze over my CDs and systematically delete my mp3s from your collections. Listen up: I said the Oral Roberts quip was intended as a tonue-in-cheek statement. You’re all treating me like the race-bating Hillary Clinton after her recent plantation quip. Remember, though I tend to be irreverant at times, I’m on your side. I love you all, and support your mission/educational philosophy. I just think Oral should change his name and the University should follow suit. That’s all. In the end, it will save you all a great deal of gratuitous ridicule.
Yeah–I don’t know about the man changing his name, but they could re-name the University “Agape University,” and maintain its Christian character.
…oh, wait….
Before Monica, we thought that oral sex meant something. Now, thanks to the Starr Report, we know that the male standard for oral sex is reaching orgasm 20% of the time with a woman who spits.
Has anyone run Kaye Grogan’s ramblings past a cryptographer?
Kaye is the Voynich Manuscript of wingnuttery.
Actually only Rich calls me “Willie” and I respond with “Dick”. My older brother calls me “Wilbur”, which is either a reference to “Mr. Ed” or “Charlotte’s Web”. I’m not sure which is less flattering. (Edward goes by “Ned”, which is less flattering than “Pud”, I think.) I also have two sisters and, no, their names are NOT “Dolores” and “Mulva”.
Does anyone dare to take Bill’s bait and try to guess the names of his sisters?
Bait? WTF? Their names are Linda and Jeanette. I didn’t tack that at the end of the previous post because it would have ruined the joke.
I’ll bet JACK AbramOFF got a lot of teasing about HIS name.
Right now I’m sure teasing him about his name is that last thing he’s worried about. He is just hoping that by some miracle, he’ll get off in the end!
Y’know, the more the Kincaids of this world bang on about others’ sex lives, the more you can imagine what kinda kids they were at school. Teachers’ snitches or the spotty kid who claimed his knowledge of sex was based on actual expereince and not his collection of porn.
Incidentally the dangers of oral sex include mouth cancer? First I’ve heard of it. What about the dreaded stubble rash? Ladies I know well seem to regard that as a much more problematic issue.
And “”Great Sex” Can Ruin Your Life!”
I’ve always wanted to ask Dr Sandwich how he knows this? Has he had great sex and has it ruined his life?
Would bad sex be preferable? And if so why?
I’m glad you asked that question, Nabakov, and I think honesty would be the best approach to answering it. From my own personal experience, I have found that what glitters most usually ends up to be fools gold. Sadly, I have played the fool on a number of occasions.
Selective memories continually flash in my mind, reminding me of all the glitter and obfuscating all the heartache that comes with the “wham, bam, thank you man” technique that a number of heartless bitches have tried on me (rather successfully, much to my chagrin).
The more a girl glitters, flirts, teases, taunts and flaunts her goods, the less goods she generally has to offer in the long run. It’s like the song says, “She Ain’t Pretty, (She just looks that way)”
Don’t get me wrong. Fast women are fun, but they are like cheap, hard liquor–the kind that leaves you with a wicked hangover the next morning. They don’t give a damn about your heart and will leave your heart broken and smashed to pieces every time. Moreover, quik, fast, easy sex is the most tempting form of sex to engage in, but it almost always leads to devastating heartbreak. This is the type of sex the media tries to sell as “great sex,” and this is the type of sex that I refer to in the song,
“Great Sex” Can Ruin Your Life.
http://www.drblt.com/music/greatsexcan.mp3
or,
http://www.drblt.com
Thank God I finally found a woman who doesn’t play games with my heart. I am madly in love with her, and I’ve been happily married to her for 10 of the best years of my life. She’s pretty hot, too. She’s not sleazy, but she’s easy on the eyes. Easy on the heart too!
Jeez Doc. You really don’t know that much about women do you? Your automatic assumption that great sex = ladies of easy virtue is naive and unworldly to say the least.
“The more a girl glitters, flirts, teases, taunts and flaunts her goods, the less goods she generally has to offer in the long run.”
See, you’re assuming there that just because the goods look flashy, unwrapping them will be equally great. Real life is far more complex and interesting.
I’ve had some of the best bonks in my life with women who lookd anything but tarty. Quite the reverse in fact. Eg: Ms CS. Court heels, a twinset, glasses and a senior position at CS First Boston in Sydney. And we did things that’d melt your bible.
“Fast women are fun, but they are like cheap, hard liquor–the kind that leaves you with a wicked hangover the next morning.”.
Been there, done that. Yes it wasn’t great sex but still OK. Can you draw on the same experience for your sweeping pronouncements about our hearts and libidos?
You’ve just got a down on folks having more sex hat you, haven’t you? And out of wedlock too, quelle horreur!
If you had slept around a bit, then you’d actually know what you are talking about.
Sorry if I sound a bit harsh Doc, but I have so had it up to here with religious-enhanced pricks crapping on about how everyone else should have the same sex life as them.
It’s carnal facism, that’s what it is. But without the kinky uniforms.
It’s amazing, Nabokov, how you seem to have me all figured out based on what little information I’ve revealed about myself. I hate to go Freudian on you, and I’m not asking you this in a professional capacity, but could it be that they may be just a little projection going on?
“Sorry if I sound a bit harsh Doc”
Do you sound harsh? Not a bit. Pejorative, pedantic and condescending? Without a doubt!
Nabokov – As the saying goes, even when it’s bad, it’s still pretty good.
“As the saying goes, even when it’s bad, it’s still pretty good.”
You’ve obviously never experienced impotence, Buffalo Gal. Neither have I, but I just thought I’d throw that in the mix. Frigidity can’t be all that much fun either, for either partner.
And what’s so bad about us old people enjoying sex, oral and otherwise – remember children – someday, if you’re lucky, you’ll be here too.
Not a thing is so bad about it, “Richard.” After all, teeth only get in the way.