Golly!
Posted on June 16th, 2009 by HTML Mencken
Shorter Bob Owens and the Hee Haw Recovering Alcoholic Jug Band.:
- Stabless knives? Sheee-it fahhr. Y’all Limey queers might as well make stringless banjos! What’s next, moonshine that won’t blind ye? Corn cobs too smooth and such ta wipe yer behind with? I’d shoot the whole lot of ya, if’n I wadn’t all laid-up with the pellagra.
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™
“Iced Pig Scraps”.
The really good shit is in the details, ain’t it?
First it is “stab proof” knives, then it will be safety locks on guns. What next, airbags, seat belts, condoms . . . the mind boggles.
Why can’t I help thinking that if they ever invent a vibrator that won’t short out in the bath tub, Bob Owen will remain strangely silent.
Ha, ha, clearly these are all a bunch of Brit Euro-faggits.
Link
Because in Britain, you are only allowed to purchase this one specific knife.
Safety not guaranteed
They’ve perfected eat-proof food too.
Not that these sort of knives are a good idea, particularly (I think that chavs could learn to make shivs), but Bob Owens might change his mind if he ever gets across the pond (hey, the British could host a monster truck rally one of these years, you never know) and gets held up by a couple of kids in track suits and Burberry caps. Unfortunately, he’d probably just blog for a month about how he should have been able to bring six-shooters aboard the plane.
PENIS.
Authentically shorter ConfederNut:
The free-market in Yurp is so gay.
This thread may as well be entitled, “Hey Troof, you haven’t trolled us in seconds. Please come back”.
That’s assuming that ConFed and Troof are the same person, which many suspect.
What next, airbags, seat belts, condoms . . . the mind boggles.
They’ve even wimpified the manliest of all settings (outside the gladitorial arena) – wood shop!
Behold, a table saw that won’t even cut a hot dog – video at the link!
SCHLUSSELPENIS
Now, what if the story was: In Britain, all Muslims will only be allowed to purchase stab-proof knives.
Bob’s head would explode and there’d be straw and rodent droppings and tiny bits of farm implements everywhere.
It never ends Larry. The larger culture will always keep on changing and evolving. Sometimes for good and others for bad. You can’t stop it by plugging your ears and chanting lalalallalalala. Your best bet is to get a cabin in the Alaskan wilderness somewhere and cut off all contact with the rest of the world. Even then we’ll eventually catch up with you and by then there’ll be a gay tranny islamofascist in the White House. Everyone will be gay and we’ll drag you from your cabin off to our all gay orgies all the time. Sort of like your fantasies right now only fer reals.
No contest. The weapon-love always wins out over the Mooozlim-hate.
I didn’t know about the 42%. That’s a load of s–t!! Like they need the money! OMG, I HATE LIBS!!!!!!!!!
Why do you always hate on scrapple? I like scrapple and it’s related filler-based sausages: panhas, goetta, etc. Good use of stuff that would otherwise go to waste. My grandma made really good panhas.
The flavor is in between a hush-puppy and breakfast sausage.
But TIDoSY is still a twit.
Speaking of gelding a nation…
/PENIS!
Behold, a table saw that won’t even cut a hot dog – video at the link!
That’s actually very cool. As a furniture butcher from way back, I’m amazed I escaped with all my fingers and a lot of people didn’t.
FYWP!
Speaking of gelding a nation:
http://www.metro.co.uk/news/world/article.html?Sleeping_boyfriends_PENIS_cut_off&in_article_id=638097&in_page_id=64
What if they make us uses flameless BBQ grills??!?!!!!11!111
Shorter CF: (Fapfapfap Jack (fap) the Ripper was the last True (fapfap) Hero (fapfapfapfapfapfapfapfapfapfapfapfapfapfapfapfapfapfap) England will ever see.
I’m not so good with faces. Is CF the one on the right, with the smaller ears,or is that his face on the label?
YOU CAN DO A HELLOVALOTTA DAMAGE WITH A FORK TOO……I’M JUS’ SAYIN’.
I have no idea if the design of the knife will prevent it from being used as a stabbing weapon, but it is apparently sharp enough to geld an entire nation.
Because clearly if you can’t stab your wife with the kitchen knife, you’re not really a man.
I finally get why the Wingnuts hate the public school system. Its those damn roundy-ended safety scissors they make the kids use.
Because clearly if you can’t stab your wife with the kitchen knife, you’re not really a man.
What, Owens is married?!
Like he can get it up for non-livestock.
Your best bet is to get a cabin in the Alaskan wilderness somewhere and cut off all contact with the rest of the world.
Where the Palin daughters will pretend to be your 72 virgins.
Go ahead, Sarah, sue me, I dare ya!
So suddenly we care about Yurp, Bobbie?
Tell you what: you can give them stabful knives if we can have single payer healthcare, mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmk, Dorothy?
I’m surprised that an idiot like Bob can even recognize that these knives are really, really stupid.
Bill E Pilgrim said,
June 16, 2009 at 18:35
“As a furniture butcher from way back . . . ”
Scum like you deserve THE CHAIR!
…that these knives are really, really stupid.
Really? Why? Because they’re expecting to sell what appears to be a stamped hidden tang blade for £40-50?
What about that first paragraph from El Cid’s link?
That’s actually very cool. As a furniture butcher from way back, I’m amazed I escaped with all my fingers and a lot of people didn’t.
Yes, in real non-snark life I’m thrilled about the things. I learned about them in a community education wood shop class I took at one of the local high schools – and was present some weeks later when a guy got a minor nick and kept the fingers that would have been ripped off by an ordinary saw. Extremely cool.
That is, the shop had those safety saws and I got to see that they really work. I can’t compose today.
Never bring a stab-proof knife to a gun fight.
Never bring a wingtard to a brain storm.
Win.
Amazing. Somebody invents a safer knife and the wingnuts find something wrong with it.
It is simply impossible to parody them anymore.
I didn’t expect that!
Ha, ha, clearly these are all a bunch of Brit Euro-faggits.
Well, El Cid, I would venture a guess that here in the You Ess of Aay we have a lot more incidences of guns going off and shooting people, accidentally or otherwise, than they have stabbings in the UK, but you don’t see us non-neutered Americans clamoring for safer guns or less guns or anything as foolish as that, do ya? Of course not. Because knives don’t stab people, people stab people.
Somebody should invent a safer wingnut.
With the current version, the more they spin the less tight their grip is.
Real men use knives that are 100% blade (top and bottom) with no handles, just razor sharp blade all the way back. Cutting yourself while cutting anything else is just God’s way of helping you practice not crying.
“As a furniture butcher from way back . . . ”
Scum like you deserve THE CHAIR!
Let’s table this discussion and get back to stabless knives.
Bobbo, you have the floor.
Real men use knives that are 100% blade (top and bottom) with no handles
Real men use Chuck Norris.
Shorter shorter Bob Owens: Safety = lacking balls.
Real real men can cut things just by uttering the name “Chuck Norris”.
Real real men can cut things just by uttering the name “Chuck Norris”.
Where Chuck Norris just gives it a dirty look and SAW! Done.
Real men don’t tell Chuck Norris jokes.
chuck norris makes jokes about them hawhawhrglrlbl
What’s next, beauty pageant contestants without the stupid?
What this world is coming to, I tell ya.
The subtext for all this puling about wimpified, gelded Britain is the right’s standard firearms fetish. Gun laws are really harsh by US standards.
Notably, self defense isn’t sufficient justification to own a gun in the UK, and the pulling-a-gun-on-a-punk-who-needs-it is one of the driving fantasies of the deeply insecure mall ninjas and small town tough guys who comprise the bulk of the NRA (and wingnuttia in general). No wonder Bob says the UK is emasculated; that’s how he would feel if he was required to walk around naked, without his gun or knife to protect him from scary people.
There’s also the implication that Britain’s alleged wave of stabbings could have been prevented, if only they all had guns …
Real men don’t tell Chuck Norris jokes.
chuck norris makes jokes about them hawhawhrglrlbl
Are you saying you’re Chuck Norris?
Prove it. Saw this board in half using just your stubble.
No wonder Bob says the UK is emasculated; that’s how he would feel if he was required to walk around naked
OK, I think I threw up in my mouth a little…
If Chuck Norris were as smart as a beauty contestant he would be too dangerous and should be rendered stabless for the U.K. market.
“OK, I think I threw up in my mouth a little…”
Um, metaphorically naked.
What is it with this guy and his weapons obsession?
At least this time he didn’t write about how Obama should resign to keep himself from being assassinated, or something.
What is it with this guy and his weapons obsession?
*holding finger and thumb a centimeter apart*
The reason there are so many stabbings in England is because there are so FEW guns. So there’s your solution right there!
please do not malign the noble banjo, which has brought so much joy to so many with it’s peppy twangy boinging sound.
bob ownes doesn’t have the talent to play one: his instrument is clearly the nose-flute.
Let’s table this discussion […]
I saw what you did there.
I’m slow today, I need a lead-in to “John Wayne’s coat.”
I’m slow today, I need a lead-in to “John Wayne’s coat.”
Could you get that…Hollywood actor’s garment….off that bead board? We need to use it to panel the wall
Errr, panel the BATHROOM wall, I should have said.
Rusty Shackleford said,
June 16, 2009 at 17:55
SCHLUSSELPENIS
There is nothing on God’s green earth that could make me click that link.
I haven’t checked the link, but I imagine a ”stab-proof” knife looking like a butter knife with a sharpened edge? Yesterday I was trying to cut a burrito with the side of my fork, and I thought “If only forks came with a sharp edge”. A few, a *very* few seconds later I thought “Never mind!”.
I disagree.
Dick, you’d probably be very surprised.
I clicked that link, Tommmcatt, and lived to tell the tale. Go ahead. Click it. I dare ya. I double dog dare ya. Or are you one a those stabless knives wussies, huh?
Chuck Norris would click the link.
Actually, Debbie is more funny-stupid than horribly-evil stupid in this instance. Her commenters are, as usual, the dumbest sycophants to walk the earth, and that’s a damned high bar to get over, but they manage. I think Larry F. is the stoopidiest commenter on the nets, if you take Crid out of the running.
Oops, Norman F. not Larry F.
Where the Palin daughters will pretend to be your 72 virgins.
The 72 being the ‘pretend’ part, or the ‘virgins’?
The 72 being the ‘pretend’ part, or the ‘virgins’?
Also, both.
Also.
The number of children suffering serious stab wounds has almost doubled in five years, The Daily Telegraph can disclose.
Undisclosed sources have disclosed to this reporter than the chances of the Daily Telegraph making shit up have almost doubled in five years.
Non-flesh-cutty bone saws have gelded surgeons!
you have the floor.
Right now I’m occupied with my tongue-&-groove.
A knife victim, of any age, is also admitted to hospital every 72 minutes in Britain.
Wingnut response: See what happens when regulate guns! See!
.
Jokes about Palin’s daughters acting as “the 72 virgins”? More jokes about the young girl from California who got herself caught up in a Trump-manufactured controversy? Pictures of Kathryn Lopez as a hooker? I don’t have any more use for any of these people than most of you do, but it does make me wonder, why do liberals seem to hate women so much these days?
Stabless knives? Sheee-it fahhr. Y’all Limey queers might as well make stringless banjos! What’s next, moonshine that won’t blind ye? Corn cobs too smooth and such ta wipe yer behind with?
Windproof barbycue greeyulls?
We’re kind of sick and tired of our young people constantly stabbing each other to death over here, y’see. Kind of not want it to happen anymore sort of thing. You fucking cunt.
you have the floor.
Right now I’m occupied with my tongue-&-groove.
Wood that I had a retort…
why do liberals seem to hate women so much these days?
Just curious.
Why is it wrong to make jokes about women, but not wrong in your mind to make jokes about Bob Owens’ manhood, which we also did?
Or are you just a one-eyed shitcan?
Bob’s just upset that the British aren’t working on a grill that can’t fall over…
Smut, am I the only one who, when they originally read that, heard a female announcer in my head saying something like: “I have been allowed to disclose that our Armed Forces have won a Glorious Victory™ in the war against Eastasia….”?
Wood that I had a retort…
It’s OK, you misheard. I said shiplap.
IF EVERY ONE OF THOSE ENGLISH PEOPLE FROM ENGLAND WERE REQUIRED BY LAW TO CARRY A POINTY BUTCHER KNIFE ON THEIR PERSON AT ALL TIMES, ALL CRIME WOULD STOP THERE. DAMNED HIPPIES (I BLAME THAT GLASTONBURY FESTIVAL FOR THE DOWNFALL OF THAT COUNTRY, THAT AND THE PAKIS)!
Would you prefer the stabbing or non-stabbing section?
A knife victim, of any age, is also admitted to hospital every 72 minutes in Britain.
Wingnut response: See what happens when
regulate guns!the government provides healthcare? See!A knife victim, of any age, is also admitted to hospital every 72 minutes in Britain.
WHAT THEY DIDN’T SAY ABOUT THAT STATISTIC IS THAT ALL OF THEM CUT THEMSELVES WHILE CHOPPING CARROTS. I BLAME THE CARROTS.
The English do not chop carrots. Never. When you open the tin, the carrots are DICED ALREADY.
Furthermore, MUSHY PEAS.
A guy who couldn’t pick-up his own goddam grill when it blew over is questioning anyone’s manhood?
The photograph still floors me.
“OMG I MUST GET A PICHER FOR THE FORENSICS TEAM HYUK!”
The raving rednecks in the comments section of the link can’t seem to understand that these are KITCHEN knives. They’re not intended to prevent stabbings out on the street, they’re intended to prevent a) accidents in the kitchen, b) accidents involving children playing with knives in the home, and c) random acts of domestic violence in the home.
Ignoring this, they talk about how easy it would be to carve one of those knives into a shank. So what? If your spouse grabs a normal knife and stabs you, you’re done. If he/she grabs a safety knife and starts slowly whittling away the tip, you have plenty of time to get out of the house.
Just curious.
Why is it wrong to make jokes about women, but not wrong in your mind to make jokes about Bob Owens’ manhood, which we also did?
Or are you just a one-eyed shitcan?
That’s not an unfair point. I guess it’s jokes about Palin’s under aged daughter being used sexually that irk me the most, in the same way that jokes about Chelsea Clinton used to irk me.
Miss California and K-Lo are certainly old enough to have some idea of what they’re doing and they’ve put themselves in play with their own comments. Posing K-Lo as a hooker does still sort of bother me though–I guess it’s the idea that at this point in history what is supposed to be the smarter and more civilized of the two American political tribes still shrieks “hooker” “whore” “cunt” at women of whom they disapprove is disconcerting.
I’ve begged the question a bit as to why this bothers me more than questioning a dude’s manhood bothers me. If someone else wants to be bothered by that, they certainly can be. Personally, watching smart people who should care about the level of discourse in the country trot out well-worn and vicious misogynist prejudices just sort of bums me out.
I’m not trying to overcome your reaction to misogyny in general, but that there ever were any “jokes about Palin’s under aged daughter being used sexually” is a flat-out lie and a right-wing diversion. Nobody was even aware of the existence of Kapok, or Bondo, or whatever the fuck her name is, the 14-year-old one.
The joke, which may or may not have been worthy of an apology, was about the one who had a baby out of wedlock and then was turned by her evil bitch of a mother into a spokesperson for “abstinence.” You know, Birch, or Beer-Bong, whatever the fuck her name is.
“Somebody should invent a safer wingnut”
Make um with backerd threads. When they try to put the screws to us they’ll spin plumb off the bolt.
I guess it’s the idea that at this point in history what is supposed to be the smarter and more civilized of the two American political tribes still shrieks “hooker” “whore” “cunt” at women of whom they disapprove is disconcerting.
Let’s get our terms straight, here – it’s not shrieking, it’s snarking. And we snark just as much at man-whores like Bill Kristol and Doughy Pantload.
Personally, watching smart people who should care about the level of discourse in the country trot out well-worn and vicious misogynist prejudices just sort of bums me out.
To the point of hanging out around here endlessly bleating about how offended you are… PIEFILTER!
I’m not trying to overcome your reaction to misogyny in general, but that there ever were any “jokes about Palin’s under aged daughter being used sexually” is a flat-out lie and a right-wing diversion. Nobody was even aware of the existence of Kapok, or Bondo, or whatever the fuck her name is, the 14-year-old one.
Nobody was aware of her existence? Woah. How did Palin keep a 14 year old girl a secret? She must really be some kind of evil genius.
What’s next?
Hurricane proof barbecues.
That’d shut him up.
New Gold Dream supports Palin who supports, torture, secret prisons, indefinite detention, destructive illegal invasions of countries (think of all the fourteen year old Iraqi girls who’ve been sexually assaulted, wounded, killed)…
You have no case re the Letterman joke so shut up.
Do rustics really say “lot of you?”
Nobody was aware of her existence? Woah. How did Palin keep a 14 year old girl a secret? She must really be some kind of evil genius.
I think it’s safe to say that, while Bristol, because of her tragic circumstances, was fairly well-known, Willow (or Elm or Birch or Blackberry) was kept out of the public eye as far as scrutiny goes.
It’s like her sons: Tripp and Trig. We knew, um, Tripp(?), because he was born handicapped and there were the whole “Is he Sarah’s son or Bristol’s? Did she really take a flight while in labor?” controversies, but her eldest son, Trig (?), only was mentioned when he went off to fight in Iraq.
New Gold Dream supports Palin
That’s unfair and uncalled for. Someone who speaks up for a woman because she’s a woman is not sticking up for a politician. Let’s try to keep this objective.
Speaking as someone who has actually BEEN stabbed with a kitchen knife in a domestic argument, I have to say those things look like a good idea.
So what if they are expensive? If it catches on, every manufacturer will make them before long. All but the best of kitchen knives are fairly disposable items that get chucked out in 5 or 10 years, so they could become the norm before too long.
Under 16s are actually banned from buying knives in the UK, but the problem is that chavs get their knives from scummy second hand shops, the type that sell army surplus crap, old fishing rods and air rifles, and knives in every shape and size, right up to the great big rambo knives. Those places are usually run by the type of person who would not be out of place in a survivalist compound in Montana. The police don’t do enough to prosecute them really.
As a schoolboy, I carried a knife of some sort quite often. It was however, more for carving my initials in school property than carving up classmates.
Why shouldn’t chavs have to make their own shivs? It would teach them the value of hard work.
I’d sorta agree with you New Gold Dream, but you’re a concern troll. We aren’t allowed to make jokes about Miss California? Because she’s female? Also, don’t call her a young girl. She’s over 18 and no matter how stupid she is, she shouldn’t be infantized.
Nevermind and sorry, New Gold Dream.