Will Nature Make A Swank Of Me Yet?
Pastor Swank sets the scene:
He, dapper, was dressed in expensive casual duds. I figured him to be in his mid-20s. Sure enough, I was right.
We shook hands. I asked him if he had a degree, for I assumed he did in that he appeared suave, educated and of cosmopolitan mindset.
Good writers use their keen powers of observation to establish character.
He answered, “I went to hell’s hole.”
That snapped my attention, obviously. I asked the definition of “hell’s hole.” He said, “Lynchburg Virginia.” Of course, that translated as Jerry Falwell’s Liberty University.
Good writers use strong declarative statements to gain their readers’ trust.
Why do you call Liberty University as “hell’s hole,” I wondered. He answered, “Well, you might imagine a woman had something to do with it.”
Ok. I let it go at that. But he did add that he spent two years in the hole. Must have been quite the young lady.
Good writers often use double meanings to humorous effect.
All the while, he had no idea that he was talking to an evangelical minister of half a century. So I told him.
He remained cordial, though learning the data about his new acquaintance.
“So what do you do for work?” I ventured. He double-talked an answer.
Therefore, I let that go.
Good writers occasionally leave some details to the reader’s imagination.
When I got home, there was an email from the fellow. It was quite strange in that he talked about the universe, the frequencies set loose between the sun and moon as well as planetary influences on worldly events.
He signed off with: “Service over self.”
That was a threesome that he had verbalized as a farewell to me in the store. I thought him to be a humanitarian of high quality, though not that interested in biblical theology.
Good writers carefully weave philosophic ideas into their narrative without losing its thread.
I knew his good looks brought him many beautiful women. And I learned later that some handsome men found their ways to his confines as well.
One day while several of us were seated outside the shop, a gorgeous female approached. The young fellow immediately stood, approached her, giving all signals that they were close friends now meeting on the sidewalk. There was the warm embrace and kiss.
So it goes when young and attractive.
Good writers sometimes titillate their readers with salacious details.
The other evening I watched the city news. There was this new friend’s photo on the screen. The bottom line: he had strangled a young woman. With that atrocity were other details most gross, one being that he sliced off her head and so forth.
Good writers take care not to dwell on particularly gory subjects.
I think back. I at least told him about Jesus. I don’t have any idea what he will do what that detail.
Perhaps a bit less than what he’s already done, one would hope.
Wow. Now this is a hell of a thought piece the Pastor’s produced here. It’s not everyday we learn we’ve had a casual running acquaintance with a head-remover. I most note the Pastor’s ability to pat himself on the back for telling the guy about Jesus. What with two years at Liberty U and all.
So much denial. Such writing.
Pastor Swank is like the Zelig of true crime, isn’t he?
Yay!! It’s the Pastor Swank Hour! Patron Saint of teh Sadlies!
Yeah. Such a weird place, his head.
In Pastor Swank’s defense (something I thought I’d never say), he may still be working through it. It can be pretty tough to find out that someone you actually liked, and who was unfailingly polite and cordial to you, can commit a murder. Let alone a particularly horrible one.
I wonder who the perp is?
Did you notice? Swank did his own shorter in his title?
So much to enjoy in this Swank column:
– “Do you have a business card?” he asked. I handed me my pastor’s card.
– That was a threesome that he had verbalized as a farewell to me in the store.
– I knew his good looks brought him many beautiful women. And I learned later that some handsome men found their ways to his confines as well.
Or, perhaps, a less bit than, one would hope, he has done in already.
And then he chopped her up into little pieces and yada yada yada and so on and blah, blah, blah.
I TOLD HIM ABOUT JESUS. HE CUT OFF HER HEAD
And that is why we pray to Headless Lady Jesus, children.
I asked Santa for a murder ballad by Pastor Swank for Christmas.
The lateness is inconvenient, and I intend to let him know that.
Wow. I’ve been having the worst day, and such language, swank, obviously, dapper, all up in dressed syntax, has made my head with giddy swimming.
With you are the blessing, Travis, for doing what is thus done.
I wonder what it’s like to be counseled by Pastor Swank for substance abuse. How could you be sure when you were no longer under the influence of a mind-altering agent?
I think the perp in the story gave a little clue related to his mental problems here:
You know, that guy has got a weird beguiling rhythm – I mean, a rhythm beguiling and weird – to his prose. I wonder if he hears music in his head as he writes. I bet he does. I wonder if the music ever gets so loud and distracting that he completely loses track of the words he’s writing. I also wonder if he experiences visual hallucinations while he’s driving a car.
Give the guy his props. That’s definitely not an ending you see coming. Kind of weak on the follow-up though. I do like how he assumes he told the guy about Jesus. Hmm, I suspect that J.C. came up a few times at Liberty U. Really only Nabakov and a few others are able to provide us with such a convincing, yet unreliable, narrator.
This is as good as the time that he tried to sneak pot into the prison.
And he talked quite a bit about the zodiac, and then something about skin lotions and hoses, and a p.s. about the Beatle’s White Album.
Pastor Swank’s latest novel:
The Preacher of Gor
“At least I told him about Jesus”.
Yeah, someone I’m sure he NEVER heard of while going to Liberty University.
frequently I counseled persons there in that awesome space laden with dark spirits.
He brought them Meyers and coke?
Wouldn’t the good pastor want at least as much committment to jesus out of the “the fellow” and “the fellow” showed to murder and dismemberment?
Also, what is a “pastor card” and how is it unlike a business card?
Wow, that was even more pointless than most fundie articles. Was Swank somehow trying to throw Mr. Anonymous Murderer into the breach created by the Tiller and Holocaust Museum killings? Was his message, “Hey, some non-Jeeebus types are murderers, too”?
It would be irresponsible not to speculate.
Pastor Swank really needs to stop dropping acid before watch the big “Dexter” marathon on Showtime.
You know, that guy has got a weird beguiling rhythm – I mean, a rhythm beguiling and weird – to his prose. I wonder if he hears music in his head as he writes. I bet he does. I wonder if the music ever gets so loud and distracting that he completely loses track of the words he’s writing. I also wonder if he experiences visual hallucinations while he’s driving a car.
Well, in another blog post, Swank comes dangerously close to just such an admission:
Those who hold that Jesus was a madman don’t have much to write about for since a deranged individual is just that, that pretty much settles it. Whatever comes out of his or her mouth is taken by chance and by golly. It may edge on the side of myth and high rhythm. On the other hand, it may be nothing more than babble and crumble.
The fellow responded by stating that he did not believe that Jesus was an historical figure but if we imagined Him in our heads that Jesus was indeed present.
I think it was Lily Tomlin who said something like, “When you talk to God, you’re praying. When He talks to you, you’re schizophrenic.”
Pastor Swank really needs to stop dropping acid before watch the big “Dexter” marathon on Showtime.
And following it up with ‘American Psycho’. It would explain this perplexing bit of narrative:
He also was concerned about the shop for he donated items to it without expecting anything in return. It was one of those kinds of shops.
Clearly, the ‘young man’ was Patrick Bateman and he was ‘returning video tapes’.
Was his message, “Hey, some non-Jeeebus types are murderers, too”?
If so, fail. This young handsome sexy handsome young sexy man obviously went to Liberty U for a reason.
With Pastor Card you get egg roll.
I wonder if this is the guy:
http://updates.mainetoday.com/updates/update-gurney-is-charged-with-murder
Also, what is a “pastor card”
They say “Go directly to hell. Do not pass school. Send me $200 “
http://jgrantswankjr.blogspot.com/
oh my.
He also was concerned about the shop for he donated items to it without expecting anything in return. It was one of those kinds of
shops.
What the hell? A small, quaint inner city store that one donates things to. And at which Pastor Stank and dapper, handsome young men idle their days away. What the fuck “kind of shop” could that be?
Was his message, “Hey, some non-Jeeebus types are murderers, too”?
If so, fail. This young handsome sexy handsome young sexy man obviously went to Liberty U for a reason.
yeah I was expectin’ some kinda- stop going to church= murderer moral at the end too. Perhaps a writer of Swanks caliber expects the reader to draw his/her own conclusions. Swank is like that, real subtle like.
That is some excellent Gazoogle sleuthin’ there, GD.
babble and crumble.
Isn’t that a Brit dessert?
The good Pastor also writes great pr0n.
Continuing with GD’s excellently set example, we find it gets curiouser.
From http://www.sunjournal.com/story/319544-3/MaineNews/Maine_murder_suspect_put_forth_different_personas/
“He one time told me the only thing he identified with was pain,” Collins said. P-A-I-N was tattooed on Gurney’s knuckles, he said.
Dapper indeed!
In Portland, Gurney moved last fall into a building near downtown. Neighbors said he had worked at a nearby tattoo parlor.
Watson Atkinson, owner of another Portland tattoo parlor, said Gurney told him that he wanted to use his settlement money for good.
But many people felt uneasy about Gurney’s demeaning and confrontational attitude.
Tattoo parlor == quaint inner city “shop?”
So the Pastor is hanging around some undisclosed “kind of shop” when this guy walks in. Because he is good-looking, Swank confronts him and guesses his age. This apparently engenders some camaraderie, and leads to a handshake, at which point Swank demands to know this person’s level of education. The person responds with “I went to hell’s hole.”
I can’t count the number of close friends I’ve met this way. Maybe that’s why all of my friends are into dismemberment.
Falwell writes about Gurney’s accident here:
http://www.worldnetdaily.com/index.php/index.php/index.php?pageId=29428
http://jgrantswankjr.blogspot.com/
oh my.
BWAHAHAHA
I am hoping that his next column is about how he got filled with the holy spirit, but hard, for four hours, before finding out that it was actually just a dude in a white gown who escaped from the mental hospital.
Oh, yes, quite dapper. AIAIEEE!
Yet another impressive alum from Liberty U.
That son-of-a-bitch stole my story!
So… P. Swank’s point is what? That quiet unassuming people sometimes turn out to be sociopaths?
Boy, there’s a revelation for you.
Hint to Pastor Swank: that’s how they work. They get you to relax your guard by appearing to not be the kind of guy who strangles you and lops your head off. That’s why they’re dangerous.
And what better cover for a killer than a good boy who went to a good Christian school, after all. Sheesh, that’s the plot of 23% of all Lifetime movies right there.
But he did add that he spent two years in the hole. Must have been quite the young lady.
MUST HAVE BEEN! hurr hurr hurr hurr
This smarmy double entendre has been brought to you by Balliol Bros. Pharmacy, where we’re running a two-for-one special this week on h@rba| ViA&RA! Buy ten pills and your next refill of antibiotics is free!
Here I was trying to work up a hell hole/glory hole/man hole kind of joke and y’all go and bring reality weirder than I can make fun of.
But Headless Lady Jesus FTW.
Patrick
This guy was not a big Phil Collins fan
So here we have this “dapper,” “suave,” “handsome,” “attractive” man with “good looks” who verbalizes a “threesome” after Swank strikes up a conversation with him in a “quaint” inner city store?
Wait, what was Pastor Swank’s position on same-sex marriage again?
“Try getting a table at Dorsia now, you fucking bastard.”
or
“I Told Him about Jesus. He Cut off Her Head.”
I don’t know which is more awesome.
More Swanky goodness:
THE GLOBE SHOULD HAVE BLOWN UP BY NOW
J. Grant Swank, Jr.
That’s right.
There’s enough evil in the world and enough nuclear blow up on the planet that by now we should have been blown to smithereens.
However, we are still here. Explain why.
“However, we are still here. Explain why.”
Well, I came for the food, but stayed for the fun. Also the verbalized threesomes.
If there is any proof that there is a God it is that the world is still here. That is empirical evidence.
I’m convinced.
So in the movie will Swank’s pal be played by…. Christian Fundamentalist Bale?
Sorry, had to.
However, we are still here. Explain why.
We can’t afford the cab fare home.
Oh fuck, this may be the best Swank headline ever:
SWINE: TIME FOR MESSIAH OBAMA TO WORLD GOVERN
(http://truthinconviction.us/weblog.php?id=P3122)
However, we are still here. Explain why.
Naw, you’ll die soon; what would be the point?
But now in present-tense it, seems as if, even apart from the discernment gift, one with half a brain tied behind his carbuncles, The Boy is ripe for filling the shoes of the One World Governor’ pig flu oinking loudly.
That is possibly the best thing he’s ever written.
SWINE: TIME FOR MESSIAH OBAMA TO WORLD GOVERN
Obama world govern force homo nups!
He’s like some evil shadow Dr. Bronner. “HOMO NUPS NEVER! OBAMA WORLD GOVERN NEVER! DILUTE! DILUTE! OK!”
Satan draws out the torture.
There’s enough evil in the world and enough nuclear blow up on the planet that by now we should have been blown to smithereens.
However, we are still here. Explain why.
Maybe they found a safe way to store all that blow up.
And then he chopped her up into little pieces and yada yada yada and so on and blah, blah, blah.
Wyatt Watts III, that was fucking hysterical.
Sheesh. It’s getting to the point where even having a conversation with a rightwing media personality drives people to kill.
other details most gross, one being that he sliced off her head and so forth
“…and so forth”? Sheer feckin brilliance. We are not worthy. Swank is Comedy God.
BBBB @22:36 isn’t much lower in the comedic pantheon, BTW, but then he knows he’s being funny, so doesn’t have quite the same wonderful idiot-savant quality of Swank in full flight.
The buried lede: Jesus as casus homicide. Swank told a man about Jesus. The man went out and committed murder.
Anyone tells you about Jesus, cover your ears and sing loudly “LA! LA! LA! I can’t hear you and won’t kill for you!”
Well obviously we can blame Jesus for the suicide of Judas.
But now in present-tense it, seems as if, even apart from the discernment gift, one with half a brain tied behind his carbuncles, The Boy is ripe for filling the shoes of the One World Governor’ pig flu oinking loudly.
Crikey. I almost understand that less than I’ve understood Gavin M.’s last few posts. Almost.
Ernest Hemingway couldn’t write like that, I tell ya.
If Pastor Grant starts quoting 1970s cartoon lyrics I’m outta here.
Call me.
Pastor Swank cleanse the city says.
I really have to stop drinking. Based on the quotes Travis provided, I thought Swank was recalling a job interview, and I couldn’t figure out if he was going to give the guy the job or not.
I TOLD HIM EBOOoT JESOoS. HE COoT OoFF HER HEED.
That reads like a final exam essay from the University of Psilocybin.
I blame Rev. Swank for this incident. I know even a three minute conversation with the Rev. would make me feel homicidal.
Does … does anyone else hear a deep, throbbing bass line?
Shorter Rev. sWank: “Dear Penthouse Forum…”
Wyatt Watts:
Swank’s writing invariably descends into turgid homoeroticism sooner or later, regardless of subject. Swank was a closeted conservative back before Larry Craig made it cool.
Pastor Swank is the deadly earnest side of the equation that makes Poe’s Law function.
Oh, he was a psychopath, btw.
I don’t know why I saw Snoopy typing when I read this, but at the end I saw that it was a really f^cked up, glue sniffing, cleaning product huffing Snoopy that has no sense of proportion.
Compare, if you will, this passage, written on a lighter topic by a different author:
The second was written by Racter, a computer program written sometime prior to 1987.
Non-speculation, one would irresponsibly be in a state of.
QUIT MAKING FUN OF THE REVEREND MR. SWANK OR HE’LL GO GALT ON US.
MORANS.
“HOMO NUPS NEVER! OBAMA WORLD GOVERN NEVER! DILUTE! DILUTE! OK!”
LOL! I will never tire of Dr. Bronner jokes.
Shorter Rev. sWank: “Dear Penthouse Forum…”
My own theory, and a very good theory it is too, is that the Pastor spent the formative years of his childhood locked in an attic, where he taught himself English by reading old Personal columns. Did I mention that this theory is mine?
Me: dapper, dressed in expensive casual duds, mid-20s, suave, educated and of cosmopolitan mindset.
You: gorgeous female.
Object: Strangling and slicing off of heads.
at the end I saw that it was a really f^cked up, glue sniffing, cleaning product huffing Snoopy that has no sense of proportion.
Snoopy eventually ran away to the city to become a writer. It didn’t go well. Of course, Charlie still came to visit him and was very “Such a dog I have!” about it. The whole thing was a little like Seinfeld, but too dark for TV.
The one where Snoopy was gang-raped by the cast of Cats?
Jesus H. Fuck. Mickey Spillane eats 40 peyote buttons and finds God.
The guy was charged with murder and ARSON — for setting the body on fire afterwards.
enough nuclear blow up on the planet
I did a boat load of nuclear blow throughout the late 80s. It didn’t blow up the planet but it sure fucked up my sinus.
This thread is so full of win I thought I might actually die laughing. How I love the good Pastor Swank. My very most favorite wingnut.
Read the whole thing, with the foolish thought that there must be more. Nope. The fact that he was taken in by a psychopath didn’t inspire any introspection, at all, on his part. Just an ‘oh well, got a plug for Jesus in’. Now I suspect that he’s a maniacal murderer on the loose.
Huh. I thought it was a U2 album.
Love, nothing but love, for Pastor Swanktard.
A person with stage 5 Alzheimer’s recounting his day would do better.
P.S. “found their way to his confines” …WTF, I repeat?
This may sound odd, but Swank’s little essay reminds me of Flannery O’Conner’s short story, A Good Man is Hard To Find. They’re not comparable in any literary sense, but Swank manages to convey a similar polite, possibly stunned detachment as he leads you down the garden path. Not that he’s aware of what he’s doing. Actually, Swank could be one of the religious characters in Flannery’s story.
You know as I reflect on Pastor Swank, I feel an overwhelming desire to back slowly away and avert my eyes, quickly, before I become a material witness.
Yes, I meant back slowly and avert eyes quickly. Just holding the combination of the good Pastor and thoughts of how to withdraw…discombobulating.
suave, educated and of cosmopolitan mindset.
Who’s really the dapper one?
His warning about the Republicans to find a leader. Right. He made that comment after bewailing the lack of luster that John McCain has publicly stated that he now belongs to, Trinity United Church of Christ when He instructed His own to love friends and enemies alike. It is sick.
Soul sick. Those clergy and congregations who invite these charlatans into their own Valentine plastic sheaths, tied with red ribbon. Breakfast with Christians begins with grace. That’s one of the truly liberated. Both issues will be a likeable young adult with an exceptionally friendly waitress. She not only stay for the Presidency who condemned the Supreme Court for banning partial-birth abortion. If Obama really came into a macabre fantasy. We have not yet come upon the offspring who rips out his own rewriting religion to favor his apostate, theologically liberal Methodist who advertises that it has no end. One could tell on Beck’s face that he was tripping off thought patterns that spelled Quits for the Presidency who condemned the Supreme Court name whereas a Dem in the store. I thought him a man. At least she thought him a man. At least she thought him a man. At least she thought him a man.
At least she thought him a man. But he did add that he now belongs to, Trinity United Church of Christ closest to the ground in his life for good. Sometimes it works; sometimes it doesn’t.
Where was JanusSwank going with that?
henry,
Far as I can surmise, it doesn’t look good for the Methodists.
I think that given his tendency for casually including the fantastical and the surreal, he’s more like one of Marquez’ characters.
Love in the time of Homo Nups
One Hundred Years of Dhimmitude
No One Writes to the Batshit Crazy Pastor
Carbuncle of an Ass Foretold
Memories of My Melancholy Man-Whores
D. Aristophanes quoted His Nibs: …Whatever comes out of his or her mouth is taken by chance and by golly. It may edge on the side of myth and high rhythm. On the other hand, it may be nothing more than babble and crumble.
Wow, that’s beautiful.
Yes, but it’s a terrible beauty.
Best Sadly, No thread ever. I laughed, I cried.
“…other details most gross, one being that he sliced off her head and so forth…”
So, um, what is more gross than slicing a head off? Never mind, I don’t want to know.
The young man of face jovial queried of me, “Is Phil Collins your artist premier of liking? Since global release of the record album Duke I have been in the way of a fan ultra. The confusions about the work preceded this, also. This works previous was of artistic fartsiness maximum.”
He continued in other ways along this line, speaking continually. “Moving and superior is the monogamy song popular In Too Deep, premier chant-verse of the eighties. It appears to soul-lift as in the way of the Christ. Among the rockings and rollings of the youth, this lyricism is affirmative complete. Christy, get down on your knees so Sabrina can see your asshole.”
I went looking for JanusSwank, but all I found was some guy’s lame blog.
And then…
Swank is to Jesus what Squeaky Fromme was to Charles Manson.
“I told him about Jesus. He cut off her head.”
Y’know, that title’s actually confusing, isn’t it?
Who cut off whose head?
Did the guy he told cut off the “her” head?
Did Jesus cut off her head?
Or, perhaps “Jesus” isn’t the Jesus of the Bible, but a woman with very weird parents.
Just sayin’, it’s opern to multiple interpretation. Kinda like the column itself.
or “OPEN” to multiple interpretation. Damn typos.
“SWINE: TIME FOR MESSIAH OBAMA TO WORLD GOVERN
Obama world govern force homo nups!
He’s like some evil shadow Dr. Bronner. “HOMO NUPS NEVER! OBAMA WORLD GOVERN NEVER! DILUTE! DILUTE! OK!””
No, Vambo Rools, Okay?
That Pastor Swank Bateman is priceless.
I keep telling you people, Swank is the Shakespeare of Bizarro World. All it takes is orthography:
Today he sits in a jail where I once served
As substance abuse counselor. I know quite well
The psych cell that he now inhabits for
Frequently I counseled persons there in
That awesome space laden with dark spirits.
Oh PLEASE let him get the “divine inspiration” to write a novel – or maybe we could even chip in to commission one – hot diggity damn, that thing would make “A Clockwork Orange” read like Erma Bombeck.
He’s most definitely touched, & I don’t mean by an angel.
So who’s this good writer you’re talking about?
Thank teh Gods Reverend Swank was able to tell this jumped up pantry boy about teh Jesus. Rev. Swank knows so much about these things!
D. Aristophanes wins all the internets on infinite Earths.