Help Me Out Here
Here are some choice excerpts from O’Reilly’s discussion with marketing expert Philip Nulman about the secular extremist plot to destroy Christmas (via Media Matters):
O’REILLY: With us now, Philip Nulman, author of the book Just Say Yes!: Extreme Customer Service [Career Press, 2000]. That’s what I like, extreme customer service. All right, 85 percent of Americans say they’re Christians. Christmas is a federal holiday, signed into law by [President] U.S. Grant. And we’re living in a time where some retail outlets will not say “Merry Christmas.” Insane?
NULMAN: No, no, I don’t think it’s insane. I think that it’s good business practice, actually. And many organizations are trying desperately to be inclusionary. They feel that the use of “Merry Christmas” in their packaging, their bags, their messages, their environment is just the opposite. It’s exclusionary to the 15 or 20 percent of the customer base that is not Christian.
O’REILLY: And you agree with that?
NULMAN: I do, from a marketing standpoint.
And that’s a perfectly rational explanation- department stores want to appeal to as many people as possible, so they’ll hang up banners with bland, nondenominational holiday greetings so those of us who aren’t into the whole Jesus phenomenon don’t feel left out.
(And incidentally, I think this whole fight is silly either way: I personally don’t give a shit if someone wishes me a “Merry Christmas,” or a “Happy Holidays,” or even a “Merry I’m-Gonna-Use-a-Shovel-to-Bash-in-Your-Punk-Ass-Face Day.” It just doesn’t matter.)
Anyway, let’s see how O’Reilly responds to Mr. Nulman’s very reasonable points:
O’REILLY: See, I think you’re, I think you’re crazy. And here’s why. I think the backlash against stores that don’t say “Merry Christmas” is enormous because now people are aware of the issue. There’s going to be — it’s like the third or fourth year that we’ve reported it. I know everybody’s hypersensitive about are they going to say “Merry Christmas”? Are they going to say “Happy Holidays”? What are they going to say? Are there decorations that say “Merry Christmas”? They’re hypersensitive. And when you walk into a secular environment, most Christians are looking around, and they’re really aware of it.
I didn’t realize that department stores weren’t supposed to be secular environments. O’Reilly makes it sound like Christians get outraged over any place that doesn’t stridently affirm their faith. I can just imagine some wingnut taking a walk in the park and yelling at the pigeons for not warbling the melody to “Onward Christian Soldiers.”
Now here’s my favorite part:
NULMAN: “Season’s Greetings” and “Happy Holidays,” Bill, does not offend Christians.
O’REILLY: Yes, it does. It absolutely does. And I know that for a fact.”
Y’know, I’ve just about had it with moronic Christmas warriors like O’Reilly and John Gibson who actually get offended when someone wishes them “Season’s Greetings.” Personally, I want to give them something to be really offended by, something along the lines of a “Fuck Christmas” campaign. Anyone got any ideas?
Hey, I’ve been offended at stores before, but it’s always been high prices or outright rude clerks. I don’t mean “happy holidays” clerks, I mean clerks too busy snapping gum to check me out. Bastards.
You know, I actually don’t like hearing “merry christmas”. Sounds too much like an order to me. Maybe I’ll have a christmas full of bitter recriminations, buddy!
“Merry Christmas” doesn’t bother me so much. Genuinely not giving a shit is probably the wisest position to take.
You really want to offend these hyperreligious wackos? Start wishing them a “Homo Christmas.” I bet they grab the baby Jesus out of the manger and start chasing you through the mall with it.
It just goes to show that the Christian right wants it all. Any sane person would understand that Happy Holidays means “regardless of what religion to do or don’t belong to, I wish you the best during this time and hope you don’t get shivved while trying to buy an XBox 360.”
And yes, Christmas is a federal holiday. There is your tip of the hat to the Christian majority. So where is the persecution and repression? Honestly, when O’Reilly is doing his shopping and he lays into some poor temporary clerk who says “Seasons Greetings,” I hope a bunch of people stone him with hardened falafels just so he can understand what martyrdom really feels like.
You could freak O’Reilly and Gibson out just by sending them normal e-mails that end with “Happy Holidays.”
Might be fun to do a big charitable function — a food drive, a toy drive, something aimed to benefit Christ’s core audience — and call it “The Happy Holidays Toy Drive.” Or maybe even “The Bill O’Reilly Wishes You Happy Holidays Toy Drive.”
And Stevelaw wins, with his ‘Homo Christmas’ suggestion!
“Have yourself a homo little Christmas…”
“I’m dreaming of a homo Christmas…”
“Have a Homo Pomo Christmas…”
See, I don’t just want this to be a “Happy Holidays” thing so much as a campaign that’s vehemently anti-Christmas. I want it to be as mean-spirited as possible- I think the logo should be O’Reilly showing a vibrating Christmas tree up his ass.
How ?bout a ?Don We Now Our GAY Apparel? campaign wherein we encourage drag queens to dress more festively throughout the Holi?er, I mean Christmas Season?
And the tagline for Homo Christmas?
“Ho! Ho! Ho! Mo!”
There’s going to be — it’s like the third or fourth year that we’ve reported it.
…and somehow, he doesn’t think that means that people already know and also they don’t care? ‘Cause that’s what I’m seeing.
I think that for a “Fuck Christmas” thing, we really need to know who in particular we’re trying to insult. If we want to go the whole hog and attack everyone (in order to maximise insults), that’s one thing, but if we’re just going to go for the wingnuts, something more specialised might be preferable. “Happy Socialism Day, you Marxist!“, maybe, with a little flyer dealing with how Christmas – and its Spirit of Giving – will inevitably lead to a Communist state.
“‘I wish it could be Christmas Day every day!’ says little Billy. Little does he know that the red in Santa’s suit is no accident! Twenty years later, desperate for that present-sharing atmosphere, and he’s wearing a Che shirt and speaking in Russian! THIS COULD HAPPEN TO YOU – BAN SOCIALISM DAY TODAY!!!”
Or something.
For some time now (and for obvious reasons) in my mind, the whole affair has been atheist-kids-get-presents-anyway day anyhow.
Can I wish Bill a Happy Veterans Day?
Stupid, splotchy cnut.
As bad as the notion of O’Reilly shoving a vibrating Christmas tree up his ass is, the idea of him “showing a vibrating Christmas tree up his ass” is just so much worse. Nobody needs to see that.
I’m all for banning secularized Christmas celebrations and exhortations. So no tree, no turkey, no carols, no mistletoe, no presents…NO CONSUMPTION.
Seriously, WTF does an American Christmas celebration have to do with the baby Jeebus anyway? And while we’re on the subject, how much does the average American Christian even understand about their own religion?
I’m an atheist and I know and understand more about Christian theology that any wanker bible thumper I’ve ever come across.
(sigh)
I hate how they always have to start the Culture War a little earlier every year.
It’s all so commercialized. Can’t we all just celebrate a nice, quiet Culture War at home?
We could declare December 25 to be National Godless Sodomy Day. With presents, of course.
Merry Christmas? Merry Christmas? Fuck you Bill, I want a Sensual Saturnalia, which predates your Merry-fucking-Christmas by centuries.
You know, if you really want to be offensive, and I know I do, you should follow my ex-girlfriend’s suggestion of a christmas light display showing Santa fucking Jesus up the ass. My ex was really blasphemous, something I always liked about her.
It’s about time to pull out the old Daily Show clip about the “Jesufication of Christmas”
Instead of wishing someone a “homo chrismas”, I think it’ll be more effective if you take the opposite tag. Next time someone wishes you a merry christmas, just deadpan “Didn’t you know that’s for homos?” I’m sure we can all come up with something suggestive about the old chimney, right?
Or for bonus points: Don’t they celebrate christmas in… france?
Good Catholic boy I am… I still don’t care what someone at a store tells me- “happy holidays”, “merry Christmas”, whatever; if they mean it they mean it, if they don’t care, they don’t care. Bill’s just a douchebag, which is something we’ve known from day one, but it’s still funny to point out the stupid shit he says.
I think it’s rather appropriate that even the atheists’ kids get presents. I think Jesus would find the sentiment of kindness and gift-giving for all a pleasent one (though I don’t imagine He’d be too terribly fond of the commercialization of the season).
My idea?
Dig a large pit in a very desolate area.
Stock the freshly dug pit with hungry lions.
Throw Bill O’Lielly in it and after he’s become lion chum, any other Jeebofascists that agree with him.
Give the fuckers something to really feel persecuted about.
How ?bout a ?Don We Now Our GAY Apparel? campaign wherein we encourage drag queens to dress more festively throughout the Holi?er, I mean Christmas Season?
Posted by: Rodney | November 11, 2005 07:18 PM
Rodney, this can be another theme song.
I am trying to imagine what kind of human being would be offended at someone wishing him well.
“I hate how they always have to start the Culture War a little earlier every year.”
Yeah, I agree. It’s not even Thanksgiving yet, and Bill’s putting up the Christmas Hate Lights.
I like the vibe-tree/ass thingy. nice and shocking. Never much cared for Christmas. I always thought the news reports on Christmas sales put a bit of a taint on the whole deal. But as to Bill’s point, personally, I always thought that Season’s Greetings and Happy Holidays meant Christmas and New Years and the week off inbetween that many people have. I never felt it was some sort of all inclusive hanukka/quanza/soltice/whatever love fest. Bill’s a pud and he’s star is no longer rising. fuck him. He’ll be gone in a couple of years and totally forgetten in a decade. Merry fucking Xmas.
Let’s all write him and tell him we hope he gets some of those “spectacular boobs” he likes so much.
Is Christmas the holiday where you put colored lights on a falafel?
O’REILLY: With us now, Philip Nulman, author of the book Just Say Yes!: Extreme Customer Service [Career Press, 2000]. That’s what I like, extreme customer service.
[curls up in fetal position]
The horror…The horror…
I am so scared for my checkout clerks now. If he demands anything that requires vibrations or loofahs, RUN!!
my friends who are checkout clerks.
If there are two of you, the chorus of John Lennon’s “Happy Xmas (War is Over)” would work; for solos, just break into “And so this is Xmas/And What have YOU done.”
Bing Crosby is the AntiChrist.
This crap again? Jesus.
It used to start around Thanksgiving. Now looks like they’ve bumped it up to Halloween. Not looking forward to two months of screeching about this.
i’m confused. every thing that i know about history and current events, i learned from billy boy. now, wasn’t it just a few days ago that he was telling us that the founding fathers thought that everyone should be forced to celebrate christmas and now he’s telling us that christmas was made a federal holiday by president grant. wasn’t president grant president like a thousand years after the founding fathers did the whole founding thing? did they just forget to make christmas a holiday? i can’t reconcile these two points. a little help please?
Speaking of disrespecting Christmas, how come those damned mosques and synagogs don’t have their Christmas lights and manger displays up yet, the bastards? It’s GODDAMNED CHRISTMAS, motherfuckers, get with the program! Of course, the temples to Yog-Sothoth and Gol-goroth are darkened, but they’re hopeless.
As far as a nice, offensive Christmas greeting you can do all by yourself, try this: 1.) [grab crotch with right hand] 2.) Say, “I got yer ‘Merry Christmas’ RIGHT HERE!!” 3.) [flip bird with left hand]
Admittedly, that doesn’t work too well if your arms are laden with gift packages. Oh, and it works with gloves, but not mittens.
I find it extremely interesting that O’Reilly admits that the only reason anyone cares about this issue at all is because he and a few other people in the media have been laying into it for three or four years every winter.
It’s one of the more elaborate forms of shadowboxing i’ve seen.
Ok, he starts out by saying a department store is a SECULAR environment, then screams that by not saying Merry Christmas we’re offending ALL Christians? Using that logic, shouldn’t they more offended that there’s not a full nativity scene inside of every J.C. Penny’s? (Does he know what ‘secular’ means?)
So, by merely walking into a store any Christian therefore has the right to override the secular nature of the place so they can be greeted FOR THEIR HOLIDAY ONLY? EXSQUEEZE ME???!!! God, they might just as well walk around the store and piss in the corners to mark the territory as their own…(wait, on second thought–let’s not give them any ideas!)
Let’s wish O’Reilly a “Boston Christmas” and charge his **s.
From the History Channel: The pilgrims, English separatists that came to America in 1620, were even more orthodox in their Puritan beliefs than Cromwell. As a result, Christmas was not a holiday in early America. From 1659 to 1681, the celebration of Christmas was actually outlawed in Boston. Anyone exhibiting the Christmas spirit was fined five shillings.
Or a “Strict Constructionist Christma”s: In fact, Congress was in session on December 25, 1789, the first Christmas under America’s new constitution.
Or, as I’m prone to greet persons, “Have a merry Christmas, happy Hanukkah, delighted Diwali, ecstatic ‘Id al-Fitr, thrilling Tet, blissful Bodhi Day, marvelous martyrdom of Guru Tegh Bahadur Sahib, blessed birth of Baha’u’llah, amiable Amitabha Day, wonderful whirling memorial of Rumi, fantastic feast of Orisha Babalu Aye, touching Tohji-Taisai and satisfying solstice.
“What the hell, have a pleasant Pioneer Day while you’re at it.”
Hapless clerk: Happy holidays sir!
O’reilly:What the fuck did you say to me?
Hapless clerk:Erm, well… sorry are you jewish?
O’reilly: NO I’M NOT JEWISH YOU TRAITOR! WHAT ARE YOU FRENCH? GO TO SAN FRAN YOU HOMOQUEER ANTI-CHRISTMAS LIBERAL FANATIC!
Clerk: I’m sorry sir, it says in the book to say it to everyone, I’m new here, maybe we got off on the wrong…O’reilly: SHUT UP! CUT HIS MIC! WHY DON’T YOU CARRY MY KIDS BOOK? KIDS NEED MY GUIDANCE IN THIS CULTURE WAR! I’M BOYCOTTING THIS STORE! I’LL DESTROY YOU LIKE I DID FRANCE AND CANADA, YOU’LL BE PISSING IN YOUR CROISSANT BEFORE I’M… (ect)
It’s not so much what is said so much as who says it.
Have Anntichrist S. Coulter (who sometimes scares the piss out of me), currently of BlondeSense, do the commercial.
Whatever she thinks of will probably be more than offensive enough for the types that agree with O’Reilly (and most of the Christians who don’t as well, I would imagine).
But that could be a bit of overkill, I think.
That was a great idea, Guiness Guy, so I thought, “Why not invite Annti over here to stir things up a bit?” [GG shits pants] Well, it doesn’t look like she’d be in any mood for snark right now-it seems that she has suffered a tragic death in the family. Everyone go offer some condolences.
More like “dives for cover”. I don’t know as that I’d describe whatever it is she does as “snark”, since snark rarely has such a vicious tenor, but whatever it is, she’s a master of it.
I’d offer to pray, but I imagine that would just anger her more, so I’ll just offer my condolances.
How about if we remind the easily offended pearl-clutching Christians that Jesus was a Heeb?
I’m thinking “Happy Holy Jew Baby Birthday!”
I wish you a Merry Dead-Jesus, I wish you a Merry Dead-Jesus, I wish you a Merry Dead-Jesus…and a hard on for New Years.
Try singing the above ditty when morons around you get offended by “Happy Holidaze!”
I think we should start a “HOW IS BILL O’RIELLY GOING TO RUIN CHRISTMAS THIS YEAR?” campaign.
Based upon some of the comments over here, some of you have been bad this year and really don’t deserve anything from the Right-wing Santa Shrink, but I’m not even going to deprive the basphemous atheists who put the cold north wind back into Christmas. I didn’t want you to open your Christmas present from me early this year, but what the heck? Here it is (cut and paste the link if you really want to get into the Christmas spirit):
You’re Not the Kind of Ho
(That Santa Had in Mind)
words and music by Dr. Bruce L. Thiessen, aka Dr. BLT (c)2005
http://www.drblt.com/music/No%20No%20Ho%20Ho%20Song.mp3
I just want you to know it is not Bill O’reily thats ruining Christmas it is you. One day you will be sorry that you are offending Jesus Christ the Savior. You will burn in hell for eternity. Next time you think of bad mouthing My Savior Jesus Christ think about that.
Sincerely,
Christians
Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas. Now that sounds wonderful !!
MERRY CHRISTMAS
Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas. Now that sounds wonderful !!
MERRY CHRISTMAS
This is the second time I write a message and for some reason you won’t post it. The Christians do have a reason to be offended. The reason for Christmas is the birth of Jesus Christ the Savior. Everyone should be happy to say Merry Christmas. You should really think about this the next time you want to offend Jesus. You will spend eternity in hell if you keep thinking like this. God Bless!
Sincerly,
Christians
If 15-20% of the population does not believe in Christmas, chances are they are not out buying Christmas presents. So why is there a need to cater to them by calling Christmas a Holiday? From a marketing point of view it would seem a business is more interested in reaching the 80-85% of people spending money than the 15-20% that are not.
MERRY CHRISTMAS
Bidwell
“Bidwell Tyler said,
December 1, 2005 at 20:57
If 15-20% of the population does not believe in Christmas, chances are they are not out buying Christmas presents. So why is there a need to cater to them by calling Christmas a Holiday? From a marketing point of view it would seem a business is more interested in reaching the 80-85% of people spending money than the 15-20% that are not.
MERRY CHRISTMAS
Bidwell ”
Except, of course for the very obvious fact
that “Happy Hollidays” also covers Chritmass
and is therefore all-inclusive instead of exclusive.
Ah… and I hasten to add: You’re a fuckbrain!
“Bidwell Tyler said,
December 1, 2005 at 20:57
If 15-20% of the population does not believe in Christmas, chances are they are not out buying Christmas presents. So why is there a need to cater to them by calling Christmas a Holiday? From a marketing point of view it would seem a business is more interested in reaching the 80-85% of people spending money than the 15-20% that are not.
MERRY CHRISTMAS
Bidwell ”
Except, of course for the very obvious fact
that “Happy Hollidays” also covers Christmass
and is therefore all-inclusive instead of exclusive.
Ah… and I hasten to add: You’re a fuckbrain!