Self-Awareness: The Unknown Ideal
Posted on February 26th, 2009 by Gavin M.
Shorter Michelle Malkin:
Above: Doo-de-doo-de-doot, In-spec-tor Gid-get…
- Howl rage, O loyal reader, for here is a symbol of yourself, and it is weak and sneering at you.
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™
Notes:
1 – Title cf.
2 – Original art came out insufficiently Malkinesque, i.e. lacked bizarre costume and/or angry grimace.
3 – Discarded title: ‘That’s So Ravening!’ caption “Oh snap!” cf.
4 – So you see, the Shorter is unlike the one thing about being a cephalopod: You put on your hat, you put on your shoes, and you’re dressed.
5 – Shorter John Stossel: “Opposite!!! Stimulus works = we are right Obama is wrong!!! ha ha work out details in fin. draft”
I’m sorry, I don’t get the “shorter” and I can’t translate Malkinese…
Great name for a yappy little dog breed, by the way.
It that Alex Jones screaming at her? So much crazy in so small an area..
It shouldn’t be long before ACORN recruits “Octomom” Nadya Suleman to serve as the radical left-wing group’s foreclosure poster child.
Not likely. She got a $1 million offer to do porn. Not even ACORN, with the vast resources of Jewbanker Soros would pay her that much.
It’s Alex Jones, the “liberal” who “attacked” her at the DNC!
I’m pretty sure I read this whole Malkin column virtually verbatim in a Townhall (or maybe American Thinker) comment thread several days ago. Seriously. Not kidding.
Right-wingers seem to really hate poor in spirit, those who mourn, the meek, those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, the merciful, the pure in heart, the peacemakers, those who are persecuted for righteousness’ sake….
I think what she really means is, if only they hadn’t been at all diligent with not Joe the not plumber but in fact former welfare benefactor and tax evader who completely misrepresented himself in a stoopid™ attempt at political sabotage. Did I get that right?
Although, it is impressive of her to admit that nJtnP was a total fraud. Oh wait – she didn’t mean to do that, did she?
Bonus: pop-up ad at creators.com was for “Bharat Matrimony,” apparently a hybrid/DIY marriage arrangement service. Targeted to you know who’s.
The right’s love of synecdoche knows no bounds. One foreclosure victim bad, all foreclosure victims bad. One Arab bad, all Arabs bad. One Democrat corrupt, all Democrats corrupt. One Republican bad, he’s probably a closet Democrat.
Are ACORN thugs the little nuts that stand around on street corners, wearing leather jackets, smoking cigarettes, and harrassing the pedestrians? I hate those acorns.
During the speech last night, Obama mentioned a girl from S.C. with the shoddy school and a Florida bank owner who gave millions away to his employees. I feel sorry for them. I do hope their counter tops are ready for inspection.
…slapped with a peace order…
*Ouch!*
Hey, that actually felt kinda nice
Dear Right Wing,
I’ll ignore Joe the Plummer the second you do.
Thanks.
I wonder if it’s possible for Malkin to take a picture where she’s not sneering in condescending self-importance.
Except for that when of her in a bikini in college, I mean.
Ha! Michelle Malkin is awesome!!! She mentioned two completely unconnected objects of right wing hate in the first sentence alone!!!
Acorn! Octomom!
Still, that shouldn’t stop us from improving it. Here’s a start for an improvement.
EWWW!!! Me no likey stretch-mark fetish!
Why does Michelle Malkin hate the troops?
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/02/24/AR2009022403793.html?hpid=topnews
An excerpt:
“The housing crisis is hitting military families particularly hard, according to real estate agents and service member advocacy groups. Many who bought during the boom and must now relocate because of fresh orders are faced with selling their homes at a big loss. They are finding few buyers, or even renters, particularly in the hardest-hit markets. That is leaving some families facing options including renting at a loss, separation from their loved ones or, in some cases, foreclosure.”
Wow she can’t even see that the same media that built up Mrs. Mommmmmmmmmy and Not Joe is the same media that built her up.
Set the Phasers to stunned.
Why does Michelle Malkin hate the troops?
She hates everybody. Except for… um,..,
Scratch that. There are no exceptions.
Boston folks: SadlyFest in March? I’m trying to gauge interest. I’ve got Anne Laurie and possibly DiffBrad.
Anyone else?
Helicopter? Pshaw. They’d all be taking the Sin City high-speed rail line between Hollywood and Vegas while monitoring gay commie volcanoes.
Just for chucks, I ran a “Michelle Malkin” image search and half the first page was of her with her face stretched into some sort of twisted grimace.
The other half, she looks quite nice. Must be from before she discovered liberals.
And somewhere along the way they look vaguely menacingly at that CNBC guy.
Not likely. She got a $1 million offer to do porn.
See? The Free Market holds the solution!
“The housing crisis is hitting military families particularly hard, according to real estate agents and service member advocacy groups. Many who bought during the boom and must now relocate because of fresh orders are faced with selling their homes at a big loss. They are finding few buyers, or even renters, particularly in the hardest-hit markets. That is leaving some families facing options including renting at a loss, separation from their loved ones or, in some cases, foreclosure.”
Ya think Michelle gives a shit?
Scratch that. There are no exceptions.
I worry about her kids. Seriously, I do.
Ya think Michelle gives a shit?
Only in Jesse’s mouth, as a special treat on his birthday.
the little nuts that stand around on street corners, wearing leather jackets, smoking cigarettes, and harrassing the pedestrians
Those are punkupines. Or do I mean gangaroos?
WereBear:
I’ve always assumed Michelle the Anchor Baby was raised with a deep-seated loathing of the Japanese, and therefore it wasn’t too much of a stretch for her to hate everyone else too.
Regardless, isn’t everyone a little repulsed by Nadya Suleman? I think the main difference is that conservatives think she’s a leech, and liberals think she needs major mental help.
Oh, and ACORN ACORN ACORN.
I worry about her kids. Seriously, I do.
Oh, come on. It’s not like she’d advocate putting American-born Asians in internment camps or anything.
Just wait til the foreclosure signs crop up in Malkin’s neighborhood and her home value plummets just as the Wingnut Welfare Well dries up.
Haid gon’ ‘splode! Especially when Barry Hussein X saves her ass.
The right’s love of litotes knows no bounds.
FriggdFecksed.This has nothing to do with anything. It’s just too bizarre no to share. Maybe Gav can use it someday.
The Freepers are coming, the Freepers are coming!
Those would be same Freepers, of course, who think that another Civil War is imminent because of Obama’s identification with Lincoln.
Excuse me, but when did the Octomom become a liberal icon? Because I thought up until ten minutes ago she was the poster-girl for the anti-abortion mob.
Haha, someone seriously linked to 4chan as a source of insipation for future posts!
“inspiration”
“insipid”
Sorry, I get the two confused.
Excuse me, but when did the Octomom become a liberal icon?
I heard Bill O’Reilly rant about how liberal permissiveness was destroying this country, which prominently featured Nadya Suleman and the chimpanzee attack. So, before that.
Moochers? Apparently Malkin has been huffin’ furniture polish and watching Turner Classic Movies again.
Sob stories? Yeah, yeah… and then that lug Mugsy and th’ rest of them flimflammers got the bum’s rush after one of ’em tried to paste a flatfoot. And then some skirt dropped a dime on Benny Boy after he tried to play a little chin music on this jasper just out a’ stir.
Shorter GOP party platform: I’ve got mine, Jack.
Anyone else?
Were it not for the 2,581 miles between me and Boston, I would be so there.
militant moochers…
I love Cab Calloway.
4chan is a source of inspissation for future posts!
Who inspissated in the soup?
I love Cab Calloway.
Damn, beat me to that one.
They was some loooww-down hooooochie-coochas…
As someone on a blog pointed out (maybe it was here, I dunno), the Octomom is much more representative of the lunatic fundamentalist rightie Christians encouraged by Bush Jr. by talk of “snowflake babies” than any liberal view I can place.
err, red-hot, not low-down.
It was merely stock before I inspissated it.
Besides the fact that Malkin obviously knows less about the mortgage business than probably these “predatory homeowners”, she manages to type one of the great unintentionally ironic closing paragraphs in column writing history:
In short, it’s the reporters fault for not being diligent enough in conducting background checks on “militant moochers” who convinced unsuspecting Mortgage Brokers to doctor ridiculous loan applications.
She doesn’t mention the brokers were probably performing FRAUD for FREE.
Wheeew! Michelle, don’t bogart that joint.
err, red-hot, not low-down.
False dilemma.
What is this ACORN “thug” business? What kind of self-respective conservative could describe housing rights activists as “thugs”? Have they beaten up some big tough conservatives? Are conservatives afraid to venture into the streets for fear of…
…Oh, I get it.
“ACORN thugs” is right-speak now for “those angry-looking Negroes”.
Smut’s a banker! Smut’s responsible for the financial collapse! Smut turned all the stock into soup!
Sorry, it’s a slow day here at Chez Alison, work is grinding me down, and my head’s going all spinny. Many many apologies to all right-thinking persons.
Oh, and multitudinous congrats to Jennifer, who seems to have become the most sought-after person in the whole USA. Go, Jennifer!
A little backstory on that Malkin photo here:
http://www.infowars.com/alex-jones-confronts-michelle-malkin-at-the-dnc/
The video is awesome (as in car-wreck-awesome), although a bit jumpy at times. So lovely to see two lunatics screaming at each other.
Excuse me, but when did the Octomom become a liberal icon? Because I thought up until ten minutes ago she was the poster-girl for the anti-abortion mob.
I was wondering the same thing. Shouldn’t the wingnuts be heralding her for not having an octobortion?
Still waiting for a goddam Chicago SadlyFest.
Hey Gav — when the notes to a post become longer than the post, shouldn’t they spin-off on their own? This isn’t a financial report.
Excuse me, but when did the Octomom become a liberal icon?
Anyone who gets their dander up becomes a liberal icon… the guy who reduced the amount of Cheetos per bag, the guy who raised the cover price on “Juggs” magazine.
I’d just like to again say:
EEEEEWWWWWWWWW!!!!
YUCKETY YUCK YUCK GROSS YUCK!
I mean is that belong in the bestiality or the fetish section?
Who the fuck want to see the woman, who just delivered a literal litter, get naked and have sex?
There is not enough brain bleach in the world to wash away that image, and I’ve seen some pretty sick shit.
Sorry, I just had to get that off of my chest.
I was wondering the same thing. Shouldn’t the wingnuts be heralding her for not having an octobortion?
Well, for one thing, she’s not married, like this paragon of virtue:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/skyzyx/249270409/
Who the fuck want to see the woman, who just delivered a literal litter, get naked and have sex?
Well, it’s not like she delivered them the usual way.
‘Course, there’s gotta be a lot of extra skin hanging around…
I love the way septuplet losermom Bobbie McCaughey and her worthless husband Kenny were heroes to the religious right, and octuplet mom is just a mooch. Personally I think all three parents are crazy but it’s really funny to see the cognitive dissonance building up in wingnut skulls. I’m surprised there isn’t visible steam shooting out of their ears as the pressure rises.
Shorter Malkin: “Because ACORN is full of left-wing, Black-Panther, Militant, Communist, welfare-mom, America-hating, mortgage-taking-despoiling brown violent, weapon-carrying, thuggish, assaulting, media-manipulating, power-hungry, brown, homosexual-abortion-loving, magnetic-field-mouse-levitating, anchor-baby (whew!), not-at-ALL-white, law=breaking, illegal-immigrant-job-stealing, fanatical marxist-leftist-blancmange, America-hating, anti-semite, Isreal-destroying-loving, international-jewish-banker-conspiracy America-destroyers, we should only listen to rational voices of political discourse, such as myself, or any of the other conservative members of “the syndicate of talent'”.
Thank you.
PS – they still list Benazir Bhutto as a “contributing opinion columnist” & Box-turtle Ben – ’nuff said…
PS – they still list Benazir Bhutto as a “contributing opinion columnist” & Box-turtle Ben – ’nuff said…
Not to mention Molly Ivins…and that picture of Hillary must be from the mid-90’s.
“ACORN thugs” is right-speak now for “those angry-looking Negroes”.
God help us if they ever get a “thizzle” going.
And If only the reporters swallowing their stories were half as diligent about background checks of ACORN thugs as they were with Joe the Plumber my ass. They ate Joe the Plumber up, Jesus, they’re still eating him up. If the ACORN stuff becomes as big a story as he was made, they’ll do background research on them, too, assuming they haven’t already. Wait, hold up, she read all this in the Baltimore City Paper? WILL YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY?
Ah yes, but what would actually happen would be a 300-word bagatelle that sat around the drafts folder unfinished. And then another. And eventually the material would get old and I’d cannibalize it for the pictures.
I mean, self-awareness is in the very title of the post here, you know?
“ACORN thugs” is right-speak now for “those angry-looking Negroes”.
This explains the creepy stalker troll’s verbal tic of adding ‘thug’ whenever he uses the word ‘black’.
It’s Alex Jones, the “liberal” who “attacked” her at the DNC!
Jones as a liberal? oh my. Someone should remind her Jones was a “Clinton Crazy” harping on the so-called Clinton Death List when she was still a lousy local reporter making up crap in the Pacific Northwest…
Some relation to the Stainless Steel Rat?
This explains the creepy stalker troll’s verbal tic of adding ‘thug’ whenever he uses the word ‘black’.
So it does. I never did figure out what “thizzle” was.
Not to mention the “image” of Novucula – that must be from the 13th century…
Love the new engraved look images, btw, Gavin.
I never did figure out what “thizzle” was.
It’s what a bull uses to thiss.
magnetic-field-mouse-levitating
The magmouse trains squeak a bit at first, but it eventually goes away.
“Who the fuck want to see the woman, who just delivered a literal litter, get naked and have sex?”
“Well, it’s not like she delivered them the usual way. ‘Course, there’s gotta be a lot of extra skin hanging around…”
Ha ha! And just the other thread or so ago, some were being castigated as “bluenoses” and “PC purity squad” for offering a wan note of squeamishness concerning the portrayals around here on occasion of female sexuality. Wherever do such outrageous notions come from, I wonder!
Had to say thanks for Harry Harrison reference…
Does Malkin know she’s too crazy for Fox News? Because she’s not toning it down.
The magmouse trains squeak a bit at first, but it eventually goes away.
Brings to mind the suggestion from a New Scientist reader that since cats always turn in mid-air to land on their feet, and toast slices always turn to land buttered-side-down, cats and toast could be strapped together so that they hang in midair, spinning wildly… providing the central engine for a levitating train.
I think I missed a beat (or at least a few comment threads), what is all this about field mice? I don’t get the reference.
First you have to understand the distinction between boson-field mice and fermion-field mice.
Are ACORN thugs the little nuts that stand around on street corners, wearing leather jackets, smoking cigarettes, and harrassing the pedestrians?
On Saturday nights they have Clockwork Orange-style ‘rumbles’ with the California Raisins.
Apparently Drudge claimed some of the stimulus funds were going toward protecting the Salt Marsh Harvest Mouse in the San Francisco Bay area.
Sorry, but wouldn’t this violate the Toast-Tabby law of thermal dynamics? You can’t get power from nothing, unless you cotton on to the republican’s latest energy producing idea of drilling down and tapping the power of the mantle-zombies.
For Jacob Singer and kiki
Sorry, but wouldn’t this violate the Toast-Tabby law of thermal dynamics? You can’t get power from nothing
Yes, but you can get electricity from cats, you just need to get enough fairies to comb the sparks out.
Well, lookee here. Joe the Plumber’s book has hit the stands.
Let’s all hit the Amazon reviews section……
Watertiger has some first rate photoshopped Jindal. If you squint real hard, he could pass for Annette Funicello. An uglier version.
Joe the fucking plumber wrote a book? What’s the typeface? Early Kindergarten?
Actally, it’s Freehand Crayon Bold
Amazon link.
Yes, but you can get electricity from cats, you just need to get enough fairies to comb the sparks out.
I’ve always found that a balloon will do the trick.
No, we’re talking about Not-Joe the Not-Plumber. Joe the Fucking Plumber is a different character, whose works are available in many adult movie shops.
viz.
Here’s the “most helpful” positive review over at Amazon:
FYWP, I closed that fucking blockquote!
Snowwy, you’re aware that the review you quoted is a spoof? Say the writer’s name three times fast.
Brings to mind the suggestion from a New Scientist reader that since cats always turn in mid-air to land on their feet, and toast slices always turn to land buttered-side-down, cats and toast could be strapped together so that they hang in midair, spinning wildly… providing the central engine for a levitating train.
It does not work that way. The cat will briefly touch down feet-first, then immediately throw itself onto its back and writhe around to dislodge the toast (grinding it into the carpet, incidentally).
Then it will bite you and go sulking off to piss in every shoe you own.
No worries. I used to love the Rat stories.
If the spinning cats could be fed with boson field mice we could get FTL trains. Commute to work in Sydney, Smut Clyde? One would never get the crossword done.
…writhe around to dislodge the toast …
Breakfast without orange juice (and cat/toast) is like a day without sunshine!
btw – I miss Anita Bryant!
Next time, aim better.
Possible picture caption: “Damn, why are so many of these countertops built so high?
Oh damnit. All these wingnuts have my parody detectors pegged out! I can’t tell the difference any more!
SadlyFest in March?
Hmm … possibly? maybe? I’m mostly a lurker here, so I suppose I could go to the pub, stand outside, and occasionally open the door and shout out some random comment.
I suppose I could go to the pub, stand outside, and occasionally open the door and shout out some random comment.
Oh, please — that’s my usual behavior at family weddings!
that’s my usual behavior at family weddings
And then there was the weeping, the recriminations, the frowning looks of disappointment …
And then there was the weeping, the recriminations, the frowning looks of disappointment …
Now you’re describing my sex life.
Snowwy, I’ve just submitted an Amazon review of my own under the nom de snark “Patriotic American.” I hope it appears on the site, and I hope you’ll enjoy it.
CHECK THE COUNTERS CHECK THE COUNTERS CHECK THE COUNTERS CHECK THE COUNTERS CHECK THE COUNTERS CHECK THE COUNTERS CHECK THE COUNTERS CHECK THE COUNTERS CHECK THE COUNTERS CHECK THE COUNTERS CHECK THE COUNTERS CHECK THE COUNTERS CHECK THE COUNTERS CHECK THE COUNTERS CHECK THE COUNTERS CHECK THE COUNTERS CHECK THE COUNTERS CHECK THE COUNTERS CHECK THE COUNTERS CHECK THE COUNTERS CHECK THE COUNTERS CHECK THE COUNTERS CHECK THE COUNTERS CHECK THE COUNTERS CHECK THE COUNTERS
for ACORNS!!!!1
Did I pass the audition for “Who wants to be a shrieking she-beast from hell?”
Joe the Fucking Plumber is a different character, whose works are available in many adult movie shops.
Haha, El Cid.
No wonder Jones is howling at her … she’s plainly displaying powerful & nefarious super-secret Masonic regalia on her chin!
I’m sure she’s got a perfectly reasonable explanation as to how the loan-approval folks got snookered into throwing big money around like a pissed-up sailor on shore-leave – for years on end. Right alongside the DemPlot to hypnotically turn the banking & corporate communities into even bigger cash-gobbling scumbags than usual, until they finally wound up having zero contact with economic reality – for years on end.
Waiting with baited breath for the day someone finally convinces Malkin to run for office. America, fuck yeah!
Octomom Porn? Ohhhh yeahhhh. Bring it ON, baby – preferably in the form of a three-way with Cat Lady & Michael Jackson. Or maybe Nancy Pfotenhauer & “Joe” the “Plumber” (after his latest schtick craters). Get Larry Flynt on it, quick, while he’s still alive. I’m not saying I’d actually WATCH it, but I’d sure as hell heartily approve of the surrealism.
Well, Laym, if you’re the random comment guy, I’m the “geez I’m not really as funny as everyone else here” guy. Maybe I’ll show up dressed as Francisco Franco.
I love the Amazon reviews. Just the headlines are enough! how about this:
Should be required reading in Schools!
Too bad this one doesn’t have Amazon’s “look inside” feature.
bagatelle that sat around the drafts folder unfinished
Bagatelle – is that flaky like a croissant?
Arky – Did I pass the audition for “Who wants to be a shrieking she-beast from hell?”
No, but you do have a promising future as a malfunctioning robot.
Damn! I went and killed the thread.
since cats always turn in mid-air to land on their feet, and toast slices always turn to land buttered-side-down, cats and toast could be strapped together so that they hang in midair, spinning wildly… providing the central engine for a levitating train.
I couldn’t get the cat to hold still long enough to strap the toast to its back. Anybody got any bandages by the way?
I couldn’t get the cat to hold still long enough to strap the toast to its back. Anybody got any bandages by the way?
It’s actually not that hard. Just put the toast someplace where you don’t want the cat to go first.
Or pretend to be reading it intently.
Gawd that’s still my favorite alex jones moment