The Sound Of One Hand Thwapping
it feels like a bag of sand
The Dr. Mrs. Ole Perfesser, like any huckster, reckons she’ll never go broke assuring her audience of masturbatory misanthropes and child support scofflaws that someone else is to blame for their problems. Thus emboldened, our man Ace offers an awkwardly unrequited high five:
As Instapundit brags, the key quote is “People who are not putting out for their partners are making a big mistake.”
Ho ho, you know the Ole Perfesser is totally getting some from his wife.
Many women simply do not buy this, but guys are pretty miserable when they’re working hard and doing all the stuff they’re told to do to be a good husband, and yet aren’t getting sex reliably, or without begging and arguments, from their wives.
I’ve never tried whining or yelling, but I’ve had good luck getting sex with thoughtfulness and flattery. Maybe other wives are different, though.
I really don’t think women get how important this is to guys.
And some men obviously don’t understand how important this might also be to gals.
Aye, there’s the rub. Ace describes a situationally comedic dynamic in which men want sex and women give it to them in return for certain things, but it seemingly hasn’t occurred to him that, under the right circumstances, a woman might want to fuck a man just because. His collected writings suggest as much, but the supporting arguments that Ace cites — a divorced friend’s anecdote, a generalized guess about other men’s sexual histories, articles in women’s magazines — make clear that he hasn’t got very much first-hand experience with sexual relationships.
It is a strange irony that a woman can pretty much get whatever she wants from a guy with no arguments and no disagreements … by doing just one thing (but doing it two or three or sometimes four times a week).
Either women don’t quite get this, or are, you know, just too complicated to act upon it.
Ace launches a final volley toward magazines intended for women, which he believes should be more like magazines intended for men (“Any article on this topic that contains more than three words [‘Screw him lots’] is missing the big picture and dwelling on trivialities”). It’s less clear, however, whether he’s more angry at the publications themselves or their target demographic.
Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin choking chickens.
Brad adds: Oh, Ace. Ace, Ace, Ace. Did you really just write this?
Many women simply do not buy this, but guys are pretty miserable when they’re working hard and doing all the stuff they’re told to do to be a good husband, and yet aren’t getting sex reliably, or without begging and arguments, from their wives.
Dude, try starting her off with a kiss. Or something. I mean, I don’t think the way to a woman’s heart is through storming into the kitchen, dropping your pants and shouting, “LITTLE ACE DEMANDS SATISFACTION! NOWNOWNOWNOW!!!!” S’jus’ not cool.
Gavin adds: Certain things are seeming clearer now.
Turned off by cunninglingus? Eh, a lot of guys don’t dig that. Who the hell knows what’s going on down there. It’s like H.R. Geiger giving up ink and canvas to work in the avant-garde medium of Play-Doh and bacon.
Ace opining upon how women should act sexually is like Jonah Goldberg opining on working out at the fitness club.
Many women simply do not buy this, but guys are pretty miserable when they’re working hard and doing all the stuff they’re told to do to be a good husband, and yet aren’t getting sex reliably, or without begging and arguments, from their wives.
Right. Because any woman I’ve ever dated, nevermind married, had better have her legs spread wide on the first date, or they have a long fucking walk home.
Dooshnozzles.
“Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin choking chickens.”
I bet H.L. Mencken is thwapping in his grave….
I really don’t think women get how important this is to guys.
Y’know, something, Ace…Gloria Steinem was not far off when she said a woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
Sometimes a cigar is JUST a cigar, but you’d know that only if you had actual, fulfilling relationships with a woman or two.
And oh, by the way, could someone Google for me and check what Ace said when John Edwards admitted he’d had an affair on his dying and (presumably) sexually unmotivated wife?
I’d love to read hypocrisy this afternoon.
Could Ace’s problem be that his idea of foreplay is pulling out his wallet?
Just wondering.
This notion that women aren’t active agents in sexual relationships really tells us a lot about what these bozos are made of.
When one points one’s finger, one has three fingers pointing back at oneself.
I see a vast schism in Wingnuttia between the K-Lo “sex makes the Pope cry” camp and the Ace/Praeger “more free poon for fatties” faction.
Do they still have that stupid show on the internets where ugly bloggers freak out at each other in split screen? As my friends from the mid-Atlantic region might say, this needs resolved.
Ugh, what nasty shit man.
Four, if you do that whole “cocked gun” thing, BBBB. Which you know these assholes are doing.
Amy Alkon was involved. Enough said.
What species is Ace trying to date? Mannequins? Corpses?
Every liberal woman I know, moi included, really, really, really enjoys sex. It isn’t something men have to do things to get. Fuck it, When I’m horny, the lawn mowing and snow shoveling can wait. I’ll pay for the ticket if the grass or sidewalk police cite us.
Okay, he might have to shower.
self-awareness is NOT Ace’s bestus buddy is it??
Someone should remind Ace that the only thing all his failed relationships have in common is him.
See, this is what gets me. He says “a woman can pretty much get whatever she wants from a guy with no arguments and no disagreements … by doing just one thing (but doing it two or three or sometimes four times a week).” Does it sound like he’s describing a prostitute to anyone else? And these are the type of women he has experience with?
Okay, he might have to shower.
*buying soap*
“without begging and arguments”
I hope he means “along with a rough script and maybe a costume.”
He’s the kinda guy that gets turned down even in his own fantasies.
Conservo-speak to girls, all unmarried women, and in some cases, women past reproductive age: Sex is BAD, BAD, BAD!
Conservo-speak to women once that ring is placed on their finger (by the man) and the man happens to be interested: Sex is a beautiful and necessary thing.
And they wonder why this isn’t working out for them.
Therefore all break-ups are necessarily the woman’s fault and BOO HOO HOO!
Guh. Gross. Keep it to yourselves, wingnuts.
I wonder if, you know, it’s ever occured to him that the whole bacon-n-playdoh issue might have something to do with this.
what is this, the wingnut talking point of the month? First Prager and now these guys, whining about how the ladies always seem to have headaches.
self-awareness is NOT Ace’s bestus buddy is it??
No, but he sure knows his readers.
OMG, these people’s view of human beings is so…. I… shit I dunno… just fucking retarded? Like what’s the word? How fucking clueless and superficial CAN you be? They manage to figure out how to create blogs and shit, but they can’t even BEGIN to grasp interpersonal relationships.
Fuck, they lambaste women for being too stupid too realize that all men want is sex while somehow failing to notice what they’re implicitly stating: that all men are so fucking shallow that they’d stick with any women who’s attractive and will fuck them.
If the latter is true, isn’t that the definition of desperation?
I think true desperation would involve sticking with any woman, however unattractive, who will fuck them. Actually, the desperation would have to be on the part of the woman, and I cannot imagine being that desperate…
Wow. Ace, who I suspect actually does have a lot of first-hand experience with sexual relationships, if you know what I mean, manages to insult both genders in one column.
Signed,
A Protoplasm
Many women simply do not buy this, but guys are pretty miserable when they’re working hard and doing all the stuff they’re told to do to be a good husband, and yet aren’t getting sex reliably
in my experience, even when they’re lazing around and acting like jerks, guys still like getting it reliably.
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it kind of repulsive that he’s pretty much concluding that a man’s assumed reward for being a normal, productive member of society is all the Hot Sex he wants?
I’m sure it is this (I use the term advisedly) wanker’s personal experience that women do not want sex. Nevertheless, it is interesting to see how thoroughly smashed these right wingers are that they have retreated to this pathetic redoubt in their war against the 21st century.
but it seemingly hasn’t occurred to him that, under the right circumstances, a woman might want to fuck a man just because.
Mebbe because the “right circumstances” necessarily exclude the presence of the Ace-hole?
“…by doing just one thing (but doing it two or three or sometimes four times a week).” — Ace
Ace, you need to worry about that chloroform working the first time before dreaming of any future sex.
Oh and sorry, Super Models. Ace won’t be boning you more than 4 times a week. I know. Try not to cry. Even Ace has limits to how much pleasure he can give.
Tim for my bleach bath.
Time, even. Doh!
I love how it’s women and “guys” in his mind–not men, just ordinary “guys.” I don’t have any power or control issues; don’t hold me to the same standards you would a man; I’m just a guy! Who loves titties! How about it?!
TMI, Ace, TMI.
Every word Ace ever has written or ever will write on the subject of sex is an attempt to exorcise that particular demon.
Does it never occur to these “women give sex to get stuff” logicians that you men are a lot more, um, generous when you haven’t gotten any in a while?
Seriously, any woman who gets involved with Ace should put his theories to the test and see if she can push him to the point where she gets pearls in exchange for a titty feel. With Prager, she should hold out for emeralds.
Seriously, any woman who gets involved with Ace should put his theories to the test and see if she can push him to the point where she gets pearls in exchange for a titty feel.
She’ll get them in about ten seconds, but they’ll be small, few, and in necklace form.
Seriously, any woman who gets involved with Ace should put his theories to the test and see if she can push him to the point where she gets pearls in exchange for a titty feel. With Prager, she should hold out for emeralds.
Jonah’s worth at least a Jag.
She’ll get them in about ten seconds, but they’ll be small, few, and in necklace form.
*reaching for brain bleach*
You done with this, Marco?
Because if you marry a woman that means she has to “put out,” and not just when she’s in the mood, but whenever the man wants.
They’re never going to get over the fact that women can say no. It kills them. What’s the point of having the penis if it doesn’t give you power to have sex whenever you want?
It’s actually very simple. If she won’t have sex with you it’s becasue she doesn’t like you.
If she likes you and doesn’t want to have sex at the moment but will later if you’re patient and you still demand sex, you’re just a dick.
‘Many women simply do not buy this, but guys are pretty miserable when they’re working hard and doing all the stuff they’re told to do to be a good husband, and yet aren’t getting sex reliably…”
Glaaahhh…Quite apart from anything else, Ace-Hole’s pathetic little scenario above is straight out of a 1950’s Fantasy Land. So it’s only the guys doing all the hard work and stuff they’re told to do? In this day and age, in this economy? What if the girls come home from an exhausting day at work? Does that excuse them from sexual servitude, or are they still expected to cook, clean, do all the housework, and then service hubby when he snaps his fingers? Does Ace have so much as an ounce of common sense in that greasy, fat head of his?
‘Needs xed’ crops up here [Vegas] too. It’s not a bad little formation.
You like it, bitch? I got two fat Lincolns.
Good maternal white women with strong family values and without a whorish investment in their own sexuality, so right the second time.
Incidentally, I’ve always found the entire ‘win her virginity by seducing her father’ thing the right tends to imagine as Traditional Values (see all kinds of dross about what you have to do to date my daughter &c.) I think if I were ever in the situation where my daughter’s beau sought my permission for anything, I’d throw his ass out the house – anyone who thinks he’s borrowing her from Daddy has no business with her.
I think it’s mainly that, now the elections are over, they can go from badmouthing specific decent human beings to badmouthing the concepts of decency and humanity more generally. So they resort to their nearest and dearest ranting-points; Veritas gibbers about the darkies oppressing him with ropy dick, Megan “Jim Drow” McArdle imagines teeming waves of the poor taking her iPhone away, and the Blogger of the Year whines about his hypothetical woman not letting him into her Bacon Palace.
Moral of the story is: ladies, just microwave the occasional side of turkey-bacon and find someone with a soul to have actual sex with. At least they’re not going to imagine that they’re Russia planting a jizzy flag in your North Pole deep when they’re done.
According to Republicans, the best sex is with a partner that is not in the mood?
Sounds like one step above rape.
If she likes you and doesn’t want to have sex at the moment but will later if you’re patient and you still demand sex, you’re just a dick.
Hullllllllllllllllllo???? Conservatives?!?!?!?!?
It’s about power.
Pathetic little cretins.
Yeah, really, I mean all the masterful Howard Roarkes and John Galts do just what they’re told! Gee whillikers.
Ayn Rand would laught at Ace and then give him a wedgie.
“I’ve never tried whining or yelling, but I’ve had good luck getting sex with thoughtfulness and flattery.”
Bingo! The problem is, Ace is WAAAAY to stupid to figure this out on his own.
you know, though, Ace really looks like a guy who can handle himself in bed.
…And frequently does.
Found the entire etc creepy. Fucking run-ons.
“I’m just an ordinary guy looking for the story from the average Joes.”
“You know, I have to worry about – hhhh – sharing the wealth, and you’re basically Sammy Davis Junior -”
“Oogh! The real story is – they shouldn’t allow reporters into – rrr – That’s right, bitch, I’m gonna licensed plumb you good – urgh! Get the real story! Uurh – urrh – two hundred thousand a year!”
“That was, uh, great. $50, please.”
“For thirty seconds? I can’t tell if that’s a Jew thing or a bitch thing.”
“What?”
“You’re getting your fifty dollars, but so help me God, I’m going to blog this.”
FIN
Substitute “making films” for sex, and “conservative” for husbands, and you have Big Hollywood whining in the same self-pitying form.
Moo-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o.
Yeah, but Ace’s moaning would have to have been featured elsewhere first.
““I’ve never tried whining or yelling, but I’ve had good luck getting sex with thoughtfulness and flattery.”
Hmmm…What would Ace’s approach be? “Buh-buh-but I’m horny NOW!!!!! WAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!”
Surely women who won’t, ahem, “put out” are a major cause of men choosing to be gay. Women who won’t fuck ugly, nasty little men are destroying our culture!
“I’m just an ordinary guy looking for the story from the average Joes.”
Well, when Joe The Plumber, a balding, slightly overweight, underpaid, barely literate jackass is the sex symbol of your party….
Fixed. One of her many, many little quirks.
Surely women who won’t, ahem, “put out” are a major cause of men choosing to be gay.
The subtext being that gay marriage is the feminists’ fault.
Pretty much their philosophy towards governing too. Their lack of empathy is what defines them.
This is how the echo chamber works. Can you imagine how taxing it would be for them to all come up with their own material?
Shorter Entire Rightard-o-Sphere without hte Echo Chamber:
KERINING!!!1!…zeet…snort… Woman must to have sex with Tor…awhoombaa!…snowflake babies…GAH!…Traditional values…TITTIES!!! …yorp yorp yorp… mmm…cheetos…fappita fappita fappita !MOM! DON’T YOU EVER KNOCK?!?!
Shorter Ace: “I put in eight hours in the office, and I don’t even get a hand-job? Is that what you call love?”
Does Ace work, or does he just excrete that blog?
“I put in eight hours in the office, and I don’t even get a hand-job? Is that what you call love?”
Reply: “Well, maybe if your dick didn’t remind me of soggy Vienna sausages, you’d get what the meter reader gets”
“The least you could do is clean out this shit moat once in a while.”
Reply: “Well, maybe if your dick didn’t remind me of soggy Vienna sausages, you’d get what the meter reader gets”
If only Ace knew what “Joe the Plumber” was up to, he wouldn’t be such a supporter.
Making love with a woman who would rather not is not enjoyable. You’d have to be a real asshole not to care about that. Oh.
Any Mickey Gee fans here? He has passed away.
If only Ace knew what “Joe the Plumber” was up to, he wouldn’t be such a supporter.
*strumming guitar*
I’m your handy mannnnnnnnnnnnnnn o/~
Jesus Christ. I may not have gotten any in ages, but at least I can face up to the fact that that makes me a loser, not the dozens of women who have inexplicably failed to drag me into bed with them.
Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin choking chickens.
I assume that “hoist the black flag” is code for “click on the ebony-action weblink”.
Shouldn’t the caption or alt-text of that photo be “Jonah Goldberg tries out for the ‘Five Dollar Foot Long’ Subway commercials”?
“Just close your eyes and think of
EnglandAce.”Nah, just doesn’t work.
Aye, there’s the rub.
I see what you do there.
Hey, Mr. Ace man. I can help you with some of my advice. So for my personal point of view, this is what you got to do.
A pretty woman makes her husband look small
And very often causes his downfall.
As soon as he marries her
Then she starts to do
The things that will break his heart.
But if you make an ugly woman your wife,
You’ll be happy for the rest of your life,
An ugly woman cooks her meals on time,
She’ll always give you peace of mind.
If you wanna be happy
For the rest of your life,
Never make a pretty woman your wife,
So from my personal point of view,
Get an ugly girl to marry you.
Don’t let your friends say
You have no taste,
Go ahead and marry anyway,
Though her face is ugly,
Her eyes don’t match,
Take it from me she’s a better catch.
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
Obama tells Republicans in stimulus meeting, “I won” and rightwingers go apeshit.
I don’t think that sentence means what he thinks it means.
some of the best advice to couples of all sorts came, I believe, from Dan Savage’s GGG – “GGG stands for ‘good, giving, and game,’ which is what we should all strive to be for our sex partners. Think ‘good in bed,’ ‘giving equal time and equal pleasure,’ and ‘game for anything—within reason.'”
But that implies an equal relationship of give and take. These assholes just want to take.
BTW – Off topic but here is Obama replying to the whiney assed bitch GOP senators complaining about his stimulus plan:
“I won.”
Eat it bitches.
arrrrrrggg!! Two minutes! Just two.
Well, there is some truth to the statement. As the much missed Steve Gilliard said, if you’re not fucking your significant other; then you’re betting nobody else will either. That’s a bet you’re going to lose every time.
Like it or not, nobody is going to stay romantically involved with someone who isn’t sleeping with them. We’re not 12 year-olds, that’s just not normal. Hell, it’s grounds for divorce in at-fault states. Expecting humans to be saints isn’t realistic, and nobody likes being taken for granted.
Obama tells Republicans in stimulus meeting, “I won” and rightwingers go apeshit.
The conservatives are dismayed by the size of Obama’s package… this has always been the true root of Conservatism.
(with apologies to Johnny Cymbal)
Like it or not, nobody is going to stay romantically involved with someone who isn’t sleeping with them.
No one’s denying that, and if Ace had left it at this “Captain Obvious” moment, we’d have nothing to mock.
But look where he takes it. Right straight to Jack Jones’ territory:
Everyone knows commie girls are the best in the sack.
Everyone knows commie girls are the best in the sack.
Red sugar!
Never mind the buttocks, here’s Ace’s Pistol !!!
Either Ace doesn’t get it or he’s, you know, just too complicated.
That’s the point, isn’t it? Lack of sex is typically a symptom of a bad relationship, not the cause of it.
ABC’s Political Punch:
Crush you like a jellybean.
alec, y’all have a Bacon Palace there in Vegas, like the Corn Palace in Nebraska or Iowa?
Oh, the whole Strip could be called a “Bacon Palace?” OK.
I’m absolutely w/ AR on this one, & would be even were I able to grow anything resembling a beard.
Real chinless wonders excepted, but then everyone will know you’re a chinless wonder under the germ magnet.
I have this nagging suspicion that Ace is a virgin.
I am very generous with the kitty treats and STILL NOTHING.
When I’m not getting any, I always blame the wimmin who are actually interested in me.
Works everytime.
As the much missed Steve Gilliard said,
Damn. He would have loved Tuesday.
The Corn Palace is in Mitchell South Dakota.
About 25 years ago I was listening to a call-in talk show with 2 women, the hostess and a counselor-type were talking about a local rape trial. The man had been convicted of raping his live-in girlfriend, and a lot of men were outraged about it. Men & women called in, gave their opinions, asked questions, and so on. The usual (liberal) format.
Then the rapist himself called in, and identified himself. He demanded to know (in a scary enraged/frustrated way) WHY sex was the women’s choice, WHY did SHE get to decide. The counselor said something to the effect sex ought to be a mutual thing, not a duty for one partner to perform for the other.
But he didn’t get it, nor the men who were emboldened (not embiggened) to call in afterward exressing the same frustration and total lack of understanding. It was creepy and depressing. Looks like a lot of ‘guys’ still think this way: that THEY have the power in a relationship, due to money, superior strength or just the fact they’re men. Ug.
real men don’t hide behind beards
Closeted gay men hide behind beards.
Every liberal woman I know, moi included, really, really, really enjoys sex. It isn’t something men have to do things to get.
in my experience, even when they’re lazing around and acting like jerks, guys still like getting it reliably.
Sadly, not true, and painful to find myself partially agreeing with Prager on anything.
Let the snark resume.
Sez Ace:
Oh, to have been an insomniac fly on the wall for that go-round. Although the sound of English being abused could keep a sloth awake.
Why do conservatives harp on this theme?
Dennis Prager frequently talks about sex on his radio program, and on this particular topic more than a couple of times.
That whole obsession over Clenis is looking all the more like Clenis Envy.
Reminds me of a line from the thirty year old SNL “Point-Counterpoint” skit:
“Jane, you ignorant slut. It’s a well known fact that women don’t enjoy sex. I’ve had sex with several women and none of them enjoyed it.”
Totally blew it. Thought for sure it was the Cornhusker State, Nebraska, but the nagging voice (one of many) said, “No, CYA,” & I went in the wrong direction entirely.
Shorter Sadly, No! response to Ace’s latest round of silliness:
UR DOIN IT RONG!!!1!
Kyl and his pals were wringing their hands and stuttering at the mere idea that poor black people might get some money. Everyone knows only Bankers and Stockbrokers get money from the Gov.
Sounds like
one step aboverape.FTFY, and why I despise wingtards.
I am very generous with the kitty treats and STILL NOTHING.
Unless those treats can be weighed in carats, I wouldn’t count on it.
It’s a threat to “traditional marriage, the backbone of all human civilization since forever,” it’s patriarchal, it’s about power, & many of them are so repugnant (in so many ways) that Nature, essentially, interferes w/ their efforts to get laid, so basically they’re whining about that. (Also why they deny evolution: It keeps their kind a minority & leads to their extinction.)
McCain’s tax plan would also have included credits for people who paid no income tax.
Course, unlike Obama, he lost.
Really? Women don’t realize that men like sex? I honestly can’t see how this is possible, when every aspect of pop culture, from sitcoms to conservative columnists is constantly pounding the point home.
The question is, Ace, whether you realize that women like sex.
It’s just bizarre to me that there are people who think of a relationship as a sort of soulless business transaction, where each person does something they don’t want to do in order to purchase something they do. You know, women see sex as a grinding chore, but they do it to get their husbands to romance them and or shovel snow off the driveway (I’m not sure which of those Ace is getting at when he talks about work you’re supposed to do to be a good husband), and meanwhile, the men hate romance, foreplay and keeping a nice house, but do it anyway because they know they’ll be paid in sex.
Basically, Ace thinks that a healthy relationship is prostitution run on the barter system.
Is the idea of two people having sex because they both enjoy it really so hard for him to conceive of?
I honestly can’t see how this is possible, when every aspect of pop culture, from sitcoms to conservative columnists is constantly pounding the point home.
Heh heh. You said “pounding”. Heh heh.
It’s a little baffling to me, frankly.
It’s an intimate act, involving much close bodily contact exchange of bodily fluids and, er…penetrations of certain orifices.
Dental hygenists gain consent before performing a cleaning; doctors gain consent before an exam. You wouldn’t forcibly seize someone and start to wash their bodies or force food into their mouths without consent.
Why would anyone assume that someone should beguilt-tripped to engage in intimate contact if they didn’t want to?
Shorter Christopher, January 24, 2009 at 0:21:
Glibertarianism, Sex & Personal Relationships.
You wouldn’t forcibly seize someone and start to wash their bodies or force food into their mouths without consent.
Mmmmmmmmmmmmm, foreplay for my Jesus fantasy…
Y’know, I wonder…is it possible that folks like Prager and Ace look at liberal sex lives, and see us indulging in things that they would classify as aberrant, like sexual fantasies and role playing, and wonder why we have all the fun, without stopping to consider that we ask permission of each other first?
Just a thought.
Why would anyone assume that someone should beguilt-tripped to engage in intimate contact if they didn’t want to?
How could anyone be aroused by an unwilling partner? That makes me shutter. On the other hand, Ace’s inability to understand interpersonal relationships sheds new light on his inability to understand the world.
Ace really really doesn’t get it. And by it, I suppose I mean …
is it possible that folks like Prager and Ace look at liberal sex lives…without stopping to consider that we ask permission of each other first?
Yes.
This has been another edition of…
Didn’t Ace once say that the reason he had a hard time getting a girlfriend was because he’s a ‘nice guy’? I guess that has to be true since anyone with pickup lines such as:
If Atlas didn’t have a horse in this race, I would have voted for Kate. She has a sharp blog (Canadian conservative) and she beat Ace! Poetic justice! Ace, snarky misogynist (this is the guy, when introduced to me at CPAC 2007, the first thing he ever said to me was ‘you got nice jugs ‘ – true story. Needless to say, it was the last time I ever spoke to him). ACE WAS BEATEN BY A GIRL. I love that.
Couldn’t have a hard time getting a girlfriend unless they were a ‘nice guy’!
I’m telling you guys- the wingnut model for sexual relationships is rape, pure and simple. That model poisons every interaction they have. They’re just plain incapable of seeing the evil inherent in it.
Prager and Ace believe foreplay and seduction are aberrant in married sex. God help them. One of the nice parts of sex with a partner is that it doesn’t all move to one person’s rhythm. Otherwise it isn’t much different from masturbation. No, wait. It’s way creepier than that.
Actually, g, I think they do know that consent is important. To wit, this whole flurry of activity advising women to consent to sexual overtures, or at least to _perform_ consent even when they don’t really feel like consenting. What they are incapable of understanding that there is such a thing as coerced consent, and that it’s different and bad.
Sadness & repression from Ace HQ’s comments:
Well, I’d definitely argue if this moron tried to get the Lex goodness. Damn, I’m complicated.
Yes, Ace. But what would John Galt do?
‘special movies’?
“What’ll it be tonight, honey? 300 or Red Dawn?”
You know, I’d actually be more worried if Ace had a post discussing the need to be a caring, nurturing lover dedicated to pleasing one’s partner. That would actually scare me. As things stand it’s yet another example on why he should never under any circumstances get laid.
I’m telling you guys- the wingnut model for sexual relationships is rape, pure and simple.
It’s not just sex, it’s everything. They don’t understand how to be a team player. They don’t understand society, from the level of a lover to the level of a nation. Don’t know how to love someone, don’t know how to ask their neighbor to turn down their music, don’t understand a community recycling program … the whole way. That’s why guns are so important in their conception of foreign policy.
Prager and Ace look at liberal sex lives, and see us indulging in things that they would classify as aberrant
I, for one, would classify looking at others’ sex lives as pretty damn aberrant right there.
Shorter Ace: The beating off will continue until her morale improves !!!
Ace launches a final volley toward magazines intended for women, which he believes should be more like magazines intended for men
My modest proposal is a balance-redressing scheme, wherein every column in a women’s magazine that “misses the big picture and dwell[s] on trivialities” that the target demographic might actually want to read, should be balanced by a column by Ace in which he tells them what they need to know.
I call this the Bareness Doctrine.
Ace: I was just talking with a formerly-married guy
Repeated without comment.
You wouldn’t forcibly seize someone and start to wash their bodies or force food into their mouths without consent.
Repeated without links to the appropriate websites.
This is the Right’s problem with homosexuals. The only way you can have a problem with someone who has different sexual proclivities than you is to have no filter on your creative visualizations.
Fred Phelps can’t stop seeing Hte Buttock Sex, so he’s gone all in.
Ace, why don’t you withhold sex from her until she is desperate for it and comes begging for your tumescent manliness? That’ll teach her for not spreading her legs every time you get a woody.
The problem appears to be that too many partners and ex-partners of conservative guys have gone Joan Galt on them.
In other news:
“We expressed our concerns about some of the spending that’s being proposed in the House bill,” House Minority Leader John Boehner said after meeting with Obama.
“How can you spend hundreds of millions of dollars on contraceptives?” Boehner asked. “How does that stimulate the economy?”
Boehner said congressional Republicans are also concerned about the size of the package.
Posted without comment.
http://www.politico.com/news/stories/0109/17862.html
commie atheist said, …
Win.
Someone at Politico has fallen out of their chair and is crying from laughing so hard.
Dude, the guy’s name is Boner. What do you expect?
Paying for all of those Magnums really adds up!
Apparently so.
And I must say I’m not surprised.
A couple more special movies: Bedtime for Bonzo, In the Face of Evil.
It also shows up clearly in one of the weirder axes that Objectivists love to grind: the supposed non-existence of altruism.
Wouldn’t it be odd if the bulk of political differences comes down to a genetic quirk, where conservatives tend to have a gene or two for social behavior switched off?
Remember the right-wing slogan, “There’s no such thing as society”?
I don’t think the way to a woman’s heart is through storming into the kitchen, dropping your pants
The way to a woman’s heart is in fact through a Y-incision
SHUT UP SMUT
commie’s Boehner comment reminds me of this oldie but goodie.
I think they get out of bed every morning thinking, albeit unconsciously, “Hm, let’s see–how can I be victimized today? What will trigger my self-righteous indignation?”
Self-pity is what they have instead of self-respect. It’s self-respect lite, obtained without all the bothersome and difficult process of self-knowledge, and the acceptance of responsibility that comes with it.
They live in a fantasy world ,where women “should” have sex with them because they “deserve” it. That’s what “freedom” means to them: being able to sustain their let’s-pretend lives without having to acknowledge anything or anyone else.
Till said, …
That one goes like “People only perform altruistic actions because it makes them feel good. But you could do some selfish action to feel good, so these actions are equivalent?” Yes, they do seem to miss the “team player part.”
But also, most of the reason I’m a liberal is that when I see a problem, I don’t believe finger wagging will solve it. Instead, I want positive, constructive programs to solve it. Some see that as altruism (the devil of Objectivism), but it’s a pretty practical way to avoid the sort of negative, destructive solutions that have such terrible spill-over.
For some reason his head reminds me of this guy.
The big old gourd of his must be 90% lizard brain.
it seemingly hasn’t occurred to him that, under the right circumstances, a woman might want to fuck a man just because
Probably because those circumstances have never happened for Ace, and most likely never will.
The sense of entitlement is staggering. And yet they pretend to be self-reliant self-made, upright, strong men.
Can’t say I ever had any problems getting sex from any of my wives. Even had a couple coming back for sex after they weren’t my wives. Ace, I think you’re doing it wrong.
The sense of entitlement is staggering. And yet they pretend to be self-reliant self-made, upright, strong men.
Their strength and independence is what entitles them to be babied. Also, their moms think they’re cool.
DrDick said,
January 24, 2009 at 1:07
Can’t say I ever had any problems getting sex from any of my wives. Even had a couple coming back for sex after they weren’t my wives.
So that’s where the moniker comes from.
So that’s where the moniker comes from.
The doctor is in.
magazines intended for women, which he believes should be more like magazines intended for men
it occurs to me that there *are* magazines like that – they’re called ‘men’s magazines’. Problem solved!
that boner-package size thing was very stimulating – made me laff and laff.
I almost pity Ace.
It sounds very much like he’s never had the experience of a woman actually liking him and being aroused by being close to him and thus seeking sex of her own volition. I don’t blame women for this in the least, unlike him, but it’s just sad.
More stimulus fun:
Pelosi suggested that the package, currently at $825 billion, could become even larger.
“It has grown,” Pelosi said, “and we’re still in the process.”
At the meeting, Rep. Eric Cantor of Virginia, the No. 2 House Republican, passed out copies of the Republicans’ five-point stimulus plan. At first blush, Obama said, “Nothing on here looks outlandish or crazy to me,” Obama said, according to a source familiar with the conversation. He seemed particularly receptive to some Republican ideas about increasing benefits to small businesses.
But when the conversation got down to other specifics, it was clear that some of the Republican ideas were clearly non-starters with the new president – including calls to put off tax hikes during the recession. “He rejected that out of hand and said we couldn’t have any hard and fast rules like that,” Cantor said.
I’m convinced that Jonathan Martin and Carol Lee had sex with each other after they wrote the piece.
It sounds very much like he’s never had the experience of a woman actually liking him and being aroused by being close to him
I think perhaps it is that whole playdoh-and-bacon with sandbags thing he has going on.
Well, sure. It was a compliment – one she didn’t even solicit! – so that was super nice.
I’d bet money that anyone who buys into the Nice Guy complex after 30 is a misogynist screwball, but it’s worth noting that society tends to impress the prerequisite beliefs onto young men pretty heavily. It’s one of a great number of symptoms of the same social disease that accounts for most people misreading Gordon Gekko as a hero. Men of great continence and undeniable will (with any real reason to maintain that continence or will being optional) force themselves on the world and the world enjoys it. Il porno star arrive / no English / no money / two things / cock like a stallion / and an iron will.
They are entitled to the world because they’re self-made, strong, upright men. They’re self-made, strong, upright men because how else would they have earned Mommy’s money?
(Speakin’a which, don’t even fucking get me started on the right-wing paternalist ideology generally turning women into mothers by default. This goes farther than stuff like deliberately using ‘womb girls’ to describe fetuses and ‘females’ to describe their bearers; in general, they treat women like reluctant figures there to clean up their messes and favor them over anyone else.)
In related news, the torrid sexual relationship between noted shame-hound Bush and toppy bottom Rice should be over right abouuuut now.
Pelosi suggested that the package… could become even larger.
“It has grown,” Pelosi said, “and we’re still in the process.”
I think they just got Larry Craig’s vote.
The question is, Ace, whether you realize that women like sex.
It’s a perfectly natural mistake. Women may like sex, but very few of them would like sex with Ace.
Pelosi suggested that the package… could become even larger.
“It has grown,” Pelosi said, “and we’re still in the process.”
I think they just got Larry Craig’s vote.
I think they just got Larry Craig’s vote.
Well, I think that partly depends on the nature of the stance that they have taken.
What species is Ace trying to date? Mannequins? Corpses?
Republican women
After “Hawaii 5-O” was over I watched/heard those two post-feminists blather on … anyway, what’s w/ Alkon & that Ming the Merciless-collered black leather jacket? She either has one, & wears it 24/7, or thinks its such a good look she has several. Either way…
And loved the B-roll of drunken college students about to “hook up.” Is this the beginning of the New Majority? You can fuck off & hook up until you’re thirty, but then you must reproduce & become a libertarian fascist until you can turn into a robot, as opposed to the Perfesser Dobson school of being holy until the rapture or natural death?
Either way, both sides will be out of our hair. A scene from the near future:
“Do you want to mute the Dr. Helen-bot, honey?”
“No, she’s boring & stupid. Throw her brain out & put the Alkon brain in. It’s got a few laughs left before we can re-cycle it.”
“Collared,” damn it. “Collared.” I hate myself.
If I were a robot, I wouldn’t have let myself do that. Please, Perfesser, when’s the singularity expected? Before 2012?
Maybe Ace needs to check this out, and pay special attention to the 1:55 – 4:10 segment.
Being on videotape does her no favours at all. When she’s writing you can at least ascribe some lively kookiness too her, but filmed she’s the kind of drab and dull person you wish would shut up as you wait in a supermarket line.
Teeheehee.
Once again, Meaning of Life imitates, um, life:
HUMPHREY:
So, just listen. Now, did I or did I not… do… vaginal… juices?
PUPILS:
Mmm. Mmm. Yes, sir. Yes, sir.
HUMPHREY:
Name two ways of getting them flowing, Watson.
WATSON:
R– rubbing the clitoris, sir?
HUMPHREY:
What’s wrong with a kiss, boy? Hmm? Why not start her off with a nice kiss? You don’t have to go leaping straight for the clitoris like a bull at a gate. Give her a kiss, boy.
WYMER:
Suck the nipple, sir?
HUMPHREY:
Good! Good. Well done, Wymer.
DUCKWORTH:
Uh, stroking the thighs, sir.
HUMPHREY:
Yes. Yes, I suppose so. Hmm?
PUPIL IN FRONT:
Oh, sir. Biting the neck.
HUMPHREY:
Yes. Good. Nibbling the earlobe, uhh, kneading the buttocks, and so on and so forth. So, we have all these possibilities before we stampede towards the clitoris, Watson.
Brad sez:
Well, that scenario could be fun for both, provided: (1) It was not Ace as the male party, and (2) it was undertaken where that was not the only sexual approach in a healthy relationship.
Not gonna get into my specific preferences, but let’s just say if I’m in a relationship with someone I love (or at least really like), and we have an understanding of what the other finds to be a turn-on, many things that others would not care to do could be included in our sexual repertoire.
But Ace is too fucking sexually retarded to have even the most basic grasp of how these dynamics work. And now that he is climbing on the Dennis Prager bandwagon, I wonder if this is to be some right-wingers obsession in the intolerable face of an Islamofascist/Communist having won the White House?
It certainly didn’t help that the soundtrack wasn’t synced w/ the image on the Flash Player that we non-paying rubes get. (There’s your “net neutrality.”)
The Joe the Plunger, average fly-over country schmuck can’t afford to pay to watch this crap. He has a real (low-paying, soul-draining) job. That pajamasmedia thing must be working out great!
Also, Dr. Helen’s dress is not un-mindful of the Atlas outfit seen @ S,N! recently. All transparent & hawt!
someone I love (or at least really like)
Hard to tell, isn’t it? Is there a difference?
(Rhetorical question, of course.)
Seems like a common type of self-certain Southern yenta, only expressing herself through podcasts instead of the traditional female tea ceremony.
“Turned off by cunninglingus? Eh, a lot of guys don’t dig that. Who the hell knows what’s going on down there. It’s like H.R. Geiger giving up ink and canvas to work in the avant-garde medium of Play-Doh and bacon.”
Yeah Ace, there could be… umm… teeth down there or something. You might put your winkie in and never get it back!
I prefer Robin William’s advice, “Pack a lunch, stay for the day!”
Yeah Ace, there could be… umm… teeth down there or something.
Good point. Stick to blowjobs.
Obama tells Republicans in stimulus meeting, “I won” and rightwingers go apeshit.
That’s because rightwingers are equal parts pansies and hypocrites. Because they sure as shit said “I won” in 2000 (even if they really didn’t) and 2004 (even if they really didn’t) a lot whenever a Democrat asked for something. And when did Bush ever listen to Dems? Fuck, every time Bush ignored Dems, they got a boner, because NOTHING is better to a wingnut than pissing off a Democrat.
As for pansies, well, what can you say? These guys reach for the smelling salts whenever something doesn’t go their way. Remember when they tried to blame the failure of the first stimulus package on Pelosi’s mean speech before the vote? Why they didn’t get fucking wedgied out of DC right that very instant I will never know.
http://www.boingboing.net/2009/01/23/fox-news-sexpert-oba.html
More I won.
…NOTHING is better to a wingnut than pissing off a Democrat.
Heh. I would have paid quite a bit to witness this “I won” exchange.
I think the Redoublechins are also not used to a Democrat outside the Harry Reid genre – i.e., one that doesn’t consider being a Democrat to be some kind of original sin that has to be atoned for through eternal Republican-ass-kissing.
Begging and arguing? Gee, I wonder why that isn’t working? Sounds like a surefire turn-on to me, especially the begging part.
Maybe Ace should stick to what he knows. Oh, wait…
our boy acce: he’s like a devo song come to life.
I would hit the PJTV tip jar but there was this banker I gave it to on their behalf.
“How can you spend hundreds of millions of dollars on contraceptives?” Boehner asked. “How does that stimulate the economy?”
Expect a lot of this from our wingy nutty friends as they protest the stimulus legislation. The Heritage Foundation and the Honorable Gentleman Boner himself have already issued their dicta.
And, thanks to the nature of Republican ideology, the self-same dicta will continue to be issued through and past the 2036 election of Natalie Portman.
He can’t possibly have said that J–, reads article, it’s like it’s Christmas all over again. I can’t help but wonder what presents the O Santa will leave for me tomorrow.
Reaganomics in 2009 is not an anachronism! Reaganomics is timeless and universal truth!
Um, I know this is all in good fun and bad taste but, um, dudes, we’re discussing Ace’s sex life. Just saying. And that said, um, sounds to me like Ace needs to hang out in more bear bars. Yup, there’d be a lot of liberals there but not all bears are lefties and I suspect Ace would be quite the catch for a cranky old Republican bear. No more confusion, um, down there. No more begging. No more bad dates. Just a nice warm cuddly bear to run the crockpot, design the blog banner, and suck off Ace on M/W/F. Perhaps the Sadlies can send Ace a gift certificate to, say, an Eagle bar. http://www.eaglenyc.com/
Meanwhile, over at Red State, Operation Leper continues:
Dear XXXXXX,
As Operation Leper progressed after the election, it became very clear that the chief culprit in the smears against Sarah Palin was Nicolle Wallace, Palin’s press person appointed by the McCain camp.
A dozen eye witnesses to her antics on the campaign trail contacted RedState. Most of them were confirmed. We don’t know why she behaved as she did other than to save her own skin at the expense of a decent women maligned by the press and handled incompetently by the McCain campaign. We do know she behaved badly.
Today, she admits to having a tingle run up her leg over Barack Obama. The whole thing is nauseating. I suggest you not read it lest you vomit on your keyboard.
Just to give you a taste:
Obama deserves our thanks for letting Republicans root for him, as well. He has created a space within his wide net of support for those of us who fought for John McCain’s candidacy by honoring the McCains at a dinner the night before his inauguration and by listening to McCain’s ideas on national security, climate change, and government reform. The Obamas have also returned the civility and warmth directed at them by president and Mrs. Bush in a way that sets this transition apart from others in recent history. This generosity of spirit has had a ripple effect throughout Republican circles. Two former senior aides to President George W. Bush said to me over the weekend, “I expect him [President Obama] to be there for eight years.” A former senior official of Bush’s re-election campaign predicted that he would contribute to Obama’s re-election effort. When I heard that, I said, “He hasn’t even been sworn in yet.” It didn’t matter. One former White House colleague who I ran into in a greenroom this weekend said, “I’m pleased with everything Obama’s done-it’s the press that’s driving me crazy.”
We must recommit ourselves to this: any Presidential candidate that hires this woman in four years will be rejected by the rest of us.
Sincerely yours,
Erick Erickson
Editor, RedState.com
My goodness, what a patriotic looking bar!! All those stars & eagles. It’s like a McCain campaign ad! And all those young men, so eager to serve their country, or at least play a little pocket pool for their country.
So Ace the kind of guy who shills for torture, thinks only of himself, and is pleased to grind the poor under his heel.
And he’s having trouble getting laid.
It does make me believe in Karma!
Ace doesn’t hate the poon, he just hates the thing surrounding it. If this inept, chunky piece of shit could appreciate the sensibilities of women, he may be able to reach the promised land at least once in his miserable, duckfucking existence.
“Don’t forget, blow jobs are like flowers to men.”
How many times a year does a man give his lady flowers?
Excluding Valentines, he’s not looking at many blow job days.
Do I make you a little horny ?
how many bags does ol perfessor have to put on his head before mrs. ol perfessor gives him all the sex he wants.
…and all this time I thought the idea was to let them have sex rather than make them have sex.
What about when men aren’t in the mood?
Beer.
SATSQ.
Knows how, when you grab a woman’s breast, it feels like a bag of sand
He can’t hear you over the clattering.
I previously wrote I could be sexually accommodating to : someone I love (or at least really like)
And M. Bouffant rhetorically asked: Hard to tell, isn’t it? Is there a difference?
Perhaps not. But as a general rule, women prefer sex in a relationship of some sort. (There are definitely exceptions.) And there are also some men who do not like relationship-free, one night stands. (Tho they are fewer, in my view for evolutionary reasons, than female counterparts.)
But we wimmins may well often be willing to try this ‘n that, even if it does not initially sound, er, appetizing, if we care about the guy and the caring is mutual. Some things I just cannot do, and the converse has been true for my relatively few partners. (I have a strong monogamy streak, but not all women do.)
But whatever, Ace is the last, and I mean LAST person with whom I’d go sexually exploring. As I said, he is sexually retarded.
I, for one, am always “in the mood,” even if parts of me other than “I” may not be. Damn parts!!
Remember “I’m in the mood for love/Simply because you are near me.” He wasn’t kidding.
I’m all for relationships. Practice makes perfect, on the most practical/primitive level.
And there are other reasons for relationships besides having someone to be your clean-up mommy w/ privileges. Ace? Did you hear me? Ace?
Neither party should feel like it could be Anyone, or Anything, that could be swapped out without the other party actually noticing.
It’s not about Me Me Me. It’s about, “You want ME ME ME.”
Maf54 was fucking his boyfriend, who said “you’re a pedophile.” Maf54 said “that’s an awfully big word for a ten year old.”
issued their dicta
Issued? Dicta? heh heh heh
M Bouffant writes:I, for one, am always “in the mood,” even if parts of me other than “I” may not be. Damn parts!!
Nothing to be ashamed of. When I was married, my husband would want sex even when he was in bed taking antibiotics for pneumonia. I could not figure how this extremely ill man would want me to climb in bed and do it, but he did, and I complied. (I felt I should just be washing his face with cooling clothes and bringing him soup, which is what *I* would have wanted.)
The sexes are, in general, different as to how they prefer a sexual approach. But there are exceptions for both, and whatever else is true, Ace gets none of this discussion.
Not ashamed, that’s just the way it is, sad as it sometimes seems.
even if parts of me other than “I” may not be
Sometimes those other parts are stolen by witches, who keep them in boxes and feed then on corn.
I will never be convinced that Ace not a virgin. I do not believe for a second he has had intercourse. (blow up dolls from the porn shop don’t count.)
Perhaps the “I” merely wants to cuddle and hug and be close without doing the other thing. Men – maybe not so much anymore, but in the olden days – used sex to get cuddles because “real” men aren’t supposed to need cuddling.
The sheer sense of entitlement dripping off of Ace’s post is soaking through my shoes.
Woman walks into a bar, tells the bartender all about how her husband complains that she never wants sex. “How can I tell him,” the woman says, “that ‘oh yes, I do too want sex — just not with you’?”
By the way — thoughtfulness, yes; flattery, eh, okay, but not really mandatory. Here’s what’s always worked for me: Make it clear that you know (or want to know) what pleases her and that it would actually please you to please her. Darned if not only does that work every just about all the time, but also leads to the desire to reciprocate. It’s called treating a woman like she’s, what’s it called, oh yeah, a HUMAN, Ace-hole. No wonder you’re so bad at it.
I’m more than all for cuddling, but sometimes those parts have a mind of their own as the cuddling goes on. Never appropriately timed, those parts.
who keep them in boxes and feed then on corn
Typo? Or? Do the witches then eat corn? Or do they feed the parts on corn? (Oh, this is that deal in Kenya or wherever, isn’t it?) The only corn my parts are interested in has been Bourbon-ized.
But let’s forget my sex life & get back to Ace’s. Please. I’m sorry I
brought it umentioned it. I was only trying to offer insight.Maybe this is why short, fat, bighead Ace is so threatened by Michelle Obama. Cause she looks like the kind of woman that, you know, likes options when it comes to sex. You know, like whether she can say no or not. And maybe, just maybe, women with high standards for sex makes the times they relent more pleasureable to the man and the woman. Maybe, just maybe, things like affection, love, and understanding leads to things like sex instead of petulant whining. Which probably just leads to a “here-this-is-so-you-can-shut-up” fuck.
I don’t know. I’m just 30. What do I know.
Woman walks into a bar, tells the bartender all about how her husband complains that she never wants sex. “How can I tell him,” the woman says, “that ‘oh yes, I do too want sex — just not with you’?”
Some men refuse to believe a woman might not be attracted to them even though there are women they aren’t attracted to. Some of these same men – usually self-described as “nice guys” – think women who aren’t attracted to them are evil, conniving bitches who deserve what’s coming to them.
It’s absurd. I’ll never understand it. Where’s the empathy? We’re all human beings.
Here we have another drawback of patriarchy; which necessarily makes women less than people.
The woman has a child, and decides the child provides love and attention; and she’s had it with what passes for sex in the relationship.
So the guy gets cut out of husbanding and parenting. Granted, he might not be very good at it; but he won’t get better without practice.
So the men are reduced to ranting that they are the King, and you’re Nothing.
And then it’s that great rejoinder from that Honeymooners episode:
Congratulations. You are the King of Nothing.
I’ve met those guys. Usually they are in town on business, but want someone who has “been around” to introduce them to someone other than a lady. They may be married or may not, but that isn’t relevant. It is the fact that they believe another person can get a woman for them that is so creepy.
Y’all familiar with the concept of “being turned out”? It’s old Southern soul hep slang that means, basically, whoever is “turned out” is involved in a round of sexual intercourse (usually but neccessarily) with a partner that, through the partner’s actions, changes the turnee’s perception on sex in particular and maybe reality in general. I highly recomend it and strongly encourage each and every one of you to turn someone else out if you ever get the chance.
Bless his heart, Ace is in dire need of being turned out, ’cause no one who writes this:
“Turned off by cunninglingus? Eh, a lot of guys don’t dig that.
Has ever been, in an old friend’s words, fucked properly in his life. And though I personally am not willing to help him out in any way, the obnoxious shitass, I do feel bad for the boy.
case study for beta malehood right there
Matt T.: North & West, when you finally convince the run-away you picked up at the bus station to swap sex w/ someone for money, & give you the money, she (in most cases) has been “turned out.”
That sound of one hand thwaapping is likely Ace’s foreskin
Typo? Or? Do the witches then eat corn? Or do they feed the parts on corn?
The latter. Source material here and here.
Make it clear that you know (or want to know) what pleases her and that it would actually please you to please her.
MzNicky’s expectations suggest that she is actually a cat.
This talk of parts and corn gives new meanings to an old title: When Jesus came, the Corn Mothers went away.
I see. Witches bin stealin’ men’s parts for all time, have they? No wonder Ace is so irked.
While researching our recent earthquake, I encountered this.
That means the goat is going to trial or something.
All those hets have such amusing problems. We have learned that sex is sex and love may or may not have anything to do with sex. And marriage – oh marriage, that bastion of social unity and cohesion, that rock upon which the Merken ideal is built – aint what you think it is.
phtpthphtphtpthpthhtttt!
Will Kaus entreat the State Department to intervene? Enquiring minds…
Turned off by cunninglingus? Eh, a lot of guys don’t dig that. Who the hell knows what’s going on down there. It’s like H.R. Geiger giving up ink and canvas to work in the avant-garde medium of Play-Doh and bacon.
I’m surprised he didn’t mention teeth explicitly. Teeth like Geiger’s Alien has, all around that penis-like thing in his mouth that he strikes with.
I’m betting this guy is an even bigger fan of the Alien movies than I am, except they actually leave him a bit sick with horror and fear, and he doesn’t know exactly why, but he scoffs at any suggestion of sexual imagery in the movies. Saying that about a great sci-fi thriller like Alien, that is so gay!
M. Bouffant,
Matt T.: North & West, when you finally convince the run-away you picked up at the bus station to swap sex w/ someone for money, & give you the money, she (in most cases) has been “turned out.”
Boy, that don’t sound near as much fun, does it? My cues are coming from the Sam & Dave song “I Thank You”. To wit:
“Now I know what the other fellas are talkin’ about/When they say that they’ve been turned out, I wanna thank you” And so forth.
Ace is a rather unusual creature. Not many would repeatedly search for new and different public ways of announcing “I have never had sex with a female human being.”
This is the usage I’m familiar with, which makes ally’all’s usage of it pretty funny.
Also:
Fun fact: this is almost exclusively the product of Christianization. Christian missionaries – Britishers especially, but Christers more generally – took the idea of native spirituality much less seriously than their early competitors (primarily interior-based Muslims, some arabized and some not), and as such generally lumped it into Superstition, which they either approved of or disapproved of depending on the generation. This is particularly prevalent in slave religion, which tends to incorporate European superstition heavily alongside the basic spiritual elements. (So, for instance, the ur-incident behind the Salem witch trials was a slave woman performing the old Saxon husband-reflection parlor trick, which was presented as some manner of literally and figuratively black magic as time went on.)
The current generation of Christian missionaries Approve – they’re big on things being beyond our power to understand – so you see shit like this and people in Kenya and Uganda and other purpose-driven countries (yes, the same kind as Warren’s) suddenly having a resurgence of belief in witches and other Europeanized folklore. Which, of course, leads to people being driven out of town, separated from their families, and robbed blind for being accused of witchcraft by the pious evangelicals down the road.
Ah, imperialism. Isn’t it beautiful?
I’m a great lover, I’ll bet.
— Emo Phillips
Oochie wally wally
Oochie bang bang
re the goat on trial
the funniest thing I read (years ago) was the story of a parrot that inadvertently testified in court against a defendant who happened to be his owner.
The guy was on trial for harrassing his neighbour. He’d taught the parrot to say a number of insults and would put him on the front porch each day to harangue his neighbour. Each day when the neighbour came home from work, the parrot would shout insults. (In German. This happened in Germany, can’t remember where.) The judge in the case put the parrot on the stand. Parrot said nothing. His beak was sealed. But as soon as he was taken from the stand and passed the injured party, he started squawking insults. The guy was convicted on the basis of the parrot’s demonstration or “testimony” if you will.
Yeesh! I’m just thinking about how little sex I’ve gotten lately but how much more I know about women than this idiot does! Heck, just reading the works of dear, departed Dori Seda would enlighten these guys hugely.
I don’t recognize the lyrics, but from what you’ve quoted that has the potential to become my new favorite song.
Yo, Ace? I know you don’t think you need this free advice, but trust me, you do.
First up: Begging and arguments are NOT foreplay. Neither is putting in a full day and maybe even overtime at the office. Hugging, kissing and caressing are. If you do more of the last three, and less of the first three, you might actually get more sex.
Second: Whiny entitlement is not erotic. Neither are out-of-date eyeglass frames, unshaven faces (unless perchance you look like Che Guevara, which you, Ace, do not!), or “compliments” on the order of “You got nice jugs.”
Third: If you refer to it as “putting out”, you don’t deserve any. EVER. No matter what you do, no matter how much you argue or beg, or even how many pearl necklaces or mink coats you throw at her. EVER. EVER EVER EVER. Izzat clear?
Fourth: Yeah, we women “get” how important sex is to you guys; we wish you’d just shut the fuck up about it and learn how to do the foreplay thing mentioned in Point One, above. Like the Elvis song says, “A little less conversation, a little more action.” I don’t think you conservatardly guys “get” how important that is to us women, and that’s the whole of your problem right there.
I personally give Ace a lot of credit for spectacular amounts of Failure to Introspect.
Imagine being one of the best hundred in the world at anything!
That is one truly weird dude. I mean, everyone knows vaginas are goop and salmon.
All thwapping and no fapping, eh?
Um… Don’t the pages stick together when you do that?
Seriously, guys, he’s got another three posts about sex up since this one, all of which announce that he has never had sex. He needs to leave the subject alone; sex is the only topic conservatives understand less about than they do about war.
Re: “Turned Out”
Some things got a little twisted around when The Blues came up from the Delta to Chicago on the back of a mule or however that goes.
Stryx posted the transcript. Here’s the video.
Ace seems very confused.
On the one hand he’s repulsed by the female body; views what’s “down there” as ICK. Going so far as to compare female genitalia to a Giger monster, only with playdoh and bacon bits.
On the other he wants females to put out whenever he, who is repulsed by “what’s down there”, is in the mood for what he is apparently repulsed by.
He also, no doubt, expects the repulsive dirty contaminated female to be a whore in the bedroom for the 10 seconds it takes him to get over his urge, and the Virgin Mary everywhere else.
Further proof, that Ace is our 40 year old angry virgin:
Well, if it’s between Ace and a monkey, there’s no contest.
Bonobos are not monkeys; they are apes. Jackass.
So…women are sexually complex, golden lion tamarins are monkeys, bonobos are apes, and Ace is a jackanapes. Thus concludes today’s science lesson. Don’t forget you’ll be quizzed on this tomorrow.
At the risk of getting severely flamed, I think that you’re talking past what Ace is talking about here. Shockingly enough, there’s some truth in what he says.
Yes, they are, which is sort of the point. It does in fact happen that some women suddenly (or over a period of years) lose all interest in sex, to the point at which they avoid intimate situations as much as possible with their husbands/partners. This does have a very destructive effect on the relationship, and it can’t be cured by “thoughfulness and flattery”.
Some gals. I think he’s talking about those for whom it isn’t important.
It doesn’t seem to have occured to you that, for some women, this never occurs. Ever. If you’re the 15-year husband of such a woman, it’s very bad news.
Has it ever occurred to you that it might be you? I know of several relationships which match exactly what he describes. In particular, relationships of married (or, in some cases, now divorced as a result), couples in their thirties or forties.
Don’t forget you’ll be quizzed on this tomorrow.
I was told that it would be an open-
bookmagazine exam.The current generation of Christian missionaries Approve – they’re big on things being beyond our power to understand – so you see shit like this and people in Kenya and Uganda and other purpose-driven countries (yes, the same kind as Warren’s) suddenly having a resurgence of belief in witches and other Europeanized folklore. Which, of course, leads to people being driven out of town, separated from their families, and robbed blind for being accused of witchcraft by the pious evangelicals down the road.
In particular, see the case of Rev. Muthee vs. the Satanic Snake of Mary-Jane. This was before Rev. Muthee went on to become one of Sarah Palin’s spiritual mentors.
Actually–NO. But then again, I’m not conservative. Their women, I’m told, have a real problem in that arena, and given the kind of guys they have to put up with (see example at top of page)–can you honestly blame them?
Plus, their women are fucked up too. For being conservative AND willing to put up with that. UGH.
I’m not what you’d call conservative either. Whilst a (if you’ll excuse the expression) fucked up attitude to sex probably doesn’t help, it isn’t the exclusive cause of such problems either.
No? Then what is? Enlighten us, since you seem to have all the answers.
And please, make it entertaining. People who defend the whinings of sexually unappealing right-wing crapmongers bore me.
I don’t have all the answers, and never claimed to. Rather, it is everybody here who claims to know that all sexual problems are caused by being a conservative.
Whilst it might be true that there are some issues that can be attributed to (as I said before) a fucked up attitude to sex, and in Ace’s case, a “bacon and playdoh” issue, you can’t extrapolate from that a complete answer.
If you take away all of that, and there’s still a problem, what is the cause? I’d be most grateful if you could explain.
BTW – Off topic but here is Obama replying to the whiney assed bitch GOP senators complaining about his stimulus plan:
“I won.”
Beautiful. Now that’s my idea of a Democrat. More like this, please.
db
“some women suddenly (or over a period of years) lose all interest in sex”
This is called menopause and is easily treated with the proper hormone replacement therapy.
“for some women, this never occurs. Ever. If you’re the 15-year husband of such a woman, it’s very bad news.”
Sex is a relationship and as such when there is a 15 year old problem revolving around sex it indicates a problem in the relationship and not in the woman. As many here have been saying, thinking the the root of your problem lies exclusively with your partner and not you is in fact the problem.
“I know of several relationships which match exactly what he describes.”
They need therapy but men, especially extremely conservative men, tend to be highly resistant to therapy. My opinion, and I think the opinion of many here, is that it is because such men want a one sided relationship where they have all the power. Your going to have to burn a lot of feminist books before you can get to your own private Handmaid’s Tale.
db
“I don’t have all the answers, and never claimed to. Rather, it is everybody here who claims to know that all sexual problems are caused by being a conservative.”
Dude, this is a humor site. We’re just making fun of an idiot. Family Systems Theory is down the hall and to your left.
Didn’t Ace once say that the reason he had a hard time getting a girlfriend was because he’s a ‘nice guy’?
I think MightyGodKing had a few good things to say about that “nice guy” mindset.
At age 30 – 35?
No, you misunderstand what I said. The situation is a couple married for 15 years after which the wife loses interest in sex, not the situation ongoing since the beginning of a 15-year relationship.
I’m not talkig about relationships involving conservatives. Neither am I talking about a relationship in which one side or the other has all the power. I’m talking about a long-term relationship in which the female partner has suddenly lost all interet in sex, and actively avoids intimate situations in an effort to prevent such questions from arising.
Yes, I get. I’m a long time reader. But sometimes it gets a little over the top, you know?
That’s Travis speaking, not Ace. What’s in the little blue indented boxes is Ace. Everything outside of that is Sadly laughing his ass off.
“I’m talking about a long-term relationship in which the female partner has suddenly lost all interet in sex, and actively avoids intimate situations in an effort to prevent such questions from arising.”
So? That means what? That it’s her fault? First, you’d need to eliminate any medical issues and I believe there are many things that could cause a sudden lack of interest in sex. After that then yeah, you’d look into the relationship. If there is a problem with the relationship then that is what needs to change, the relationship. That you seem to think that it is all on the woman is itself part of the problem.
Yes, I get. I’m a long time reader. But sometimes it gets a little over the top, you know?
I agree. Ace is definitely over the top.
I’m sorry, where did you see me assigning blame here?
Yes, I know. And I was responding to the commentary.
Then what are you saying?
I’m sorry, where did you see me assigning blame here?
db, you appear to be making the case that Ace – who is blaming women – has a point.
I was saying that simply stating that if only the man wasn’t a conservative, then the problem would go away isn’t adequate.
who said that?
I’m saying that he’s describing a non-imaginary situation which can’t be dismissed as caused by fucked up conservative attitudes and/or Ace’s physical appearance.
oh, sorry, I was paraphrasing by saying “is a conservative”. The actual line was:
It is true that couples have problems with sex. Ace is correct there but his entire attitude is that it is somehow the woman’s fault. Really, that is what he said or implied. And that’s just dumb.
it certainly can be caused by fucked up conservative attitudes and, if you’re paying attention, any jabs about Ace’s appearance are far outweighed by jabs about his misogyny.
You keep quoting that line by Travis. What’s your point?
noen:
You’re not going to get me to argue that Ace isn’t dumb… but that doesn’t make the facts asserted in the OP to be corect, which is what I was responding to.
No argument. I was only aguing that that isn’t the sole cause, which is what the OP response seemed to suggest.
I quoted it twice. Once in my first post when I was responding to it directly, and once when respoding to a query as to what I was talking about.
You’re not going to get me to argue that Ace isn’t dumb… but that doesn’t make the facts asserted in the OP to be corect, which is what I was responding to.
What “facts”? That couples experience problems? That women (and yes, men too, though that’s never mentioned) aren’t always interested in sex with their partners? That sometimes women (and men) withhold sex for any number of reasons Ace couldn’t care less about?
I quoted [Travis] twice. Once in my first post when I was responding to it directly, and once when respoding to a query as to what I was talking about.
It’s still not clear what you’re attributing to Travis. But you seem to be suggesting that Travis found truth in what Ace said. (?)
The fact that Ace would be desirous of a hand job, or think that other people would be impressed by such I find very amusing.
Ace says:
Among the sentences never spoken in human history: “Your Honor, I was compelled to have an affair. My wife was fucking me too damn much.”
This is his adolescent fantasy though. When couples have greatly differing needs for sex this can cause a lot of stress on the relationship. I imagine that it does happen that the woman wants sex a lot more than the husband does. But people don’t have affairs just because the sex is bad. That may be what they say but it isn’t the real reason.
a lack of sex leads to all sorts of bad attitudes and bad behavior by men. But in a positive way — it really doesn’t take an awful lot to wrap a guy around your finger. The word “pussy-whipped” wasn’t invented out of thin air.
Here again Ace’s vision of human relationships is adolescent. It’s all about women controlling men through granting sexual favors. “Ha ha, see? I don’t really have all the power. You got me wrapped around your finger”. He sees men as simple creatures, “protoplasms”. It’s childish.
It’s baffling that women’s magazines even exist.
Of course it is. That’s because his entire conception of woman’s sexuality is just a mirror of his own. He thinks that women could rule the earth if they only knew that every man is just like Ace and can be easily manipulated through sex. It is a mystery to him why this hasn’t already happened.
The reason we are laughing at him is because he’s an idiot. He’s a child in a man’s body who cannot imagine that other people might have needs that are different than his own.
No, what I was objecting to was the apparent suggestion that women want sex really (at some time or another) and it’s just a case of whether men approach them in the right way or at the right time. Some women are disinterented at any time or under any circumstances.
No. Not sure where that impression comes from. Either way, not what I was implying.
In any case, tie for me to sign off..
db
I quoted it twice. Once in my first post when I was responding to it directly, and once when respoding to a query as to what I was talking about.
Annnnnnd? I’m trying to understand.
db, you might want to catch up on what Ace wrote about Michelle Obama yesterday.
The man is a 10 year old sociopath. It’s weird that he even weighs in on the obligations, sexual or otherwise, of spouses. He’s inexperienced and repulsed by female anatomy, about which he knows nothing.
His hand is all he’s got. Maybe he’s mad at his hand. Maybe his hand isn’t putting out anymore. Maybe his hand wants to run away.
db
Some women are disinterented at any time or under any circumstances.
True, so are some men. The quote that got Ace started is “People who are not putting out for their partners are making a big mistake.” I don’t think anyone has a problem with that. Ace twists that into “Men always want sex and women who don’t put out are the problem”. The problem is a real one but not what we were laughing at.
No, what I was objecting to was the apparent suggestion that women want sex really (at some time or another) and it’s just a case of whether men approach them in the right way or at the right time. Some women are disinterented at any time or under any circumstances.
db, you’re kidding right? some women DO want sex REALLY at some time or another and IT IS THE CASE that people who want to have sex with them use an approach that will appeal to the woman. DUH.
yes, it is also true that some PEOPLE are disinterested in sex at any time and in any circumstances. These people are ASEXUAL. Look it up.
If you want to have sex, you probably can easily avoid hooking up with an asexual person as there are many more people in the world who are not asexual.
you’re evincing an extremely simplistic and juvenile view of human sexuality, particularly female sexuality, db. i’m beginning to appreciate why you’re somewhat supportive of Ace.
I followed Jennifer’s link not realizing that it was Hotair. I never go to the wingnut sites but I just read through the comments which mainly seem to fall into two categories;
1) Disgust at the nerve of Obama to abuse the fact that he won the election to push his agenda since almost half the country didn’t vote for him and those people who didn’t should get what they want instead.
2) Disgust about how the repubs in washington always cave in to the dems.
Did these people sleep through the whole “I’m the decider”, “Elections have consequences”, “Go fuck yourself” years?
And as for the repubs caving to the dems… are they at all familiar with the work of Harry Reid? Caving is his entire oeuvre.
Now I feel dirty. It’s like a whole forum just filled with comments from the dumbest of our trolls over there.
Also, until 36 days ago, I was a virgin and I am willing to guarantee that I’ve had more sex than Ace. (Yay for me!)
“some women suddenly (or over a period of years) lose all interest in sex”
This is called menopause and is easily treated with the proper hormone replacement therapy.
My unihappiness with the words “treated” and “therapy”, with the implication that loss of interest in sex is a medical problem — let me show you it.
What I love is the way Ace remarks casually that his incisive theories about female sexuality, emergent directly from his ass though they may be, are vastly superior to the latest scientific research he once sorta read.
Ace deserves to go through life with a nipple on his nose.
Among the sentences never spoken in human history: “Your Honor, I was compelled to have an affair. My wife was fucking me too damn much.”
I suspect that with a little more effort than I am willing to take, I could find an example of exactly this scenario, though it would take the form of a French romantic comedy [probably starring Gerard Depardieu].
[Opens another can of HSB. Wires touch in back of brain. Sparks; smell of burning insulation; long-dark synapses fire one final time, as memory banks flicker into fleeting life].
Trop belle pour toi for example.
“Oochie wally”: title of song by Nas and Queensbridge friends. I think it is, or was, also a refrain in DC-area go-go music.
How Ace hears Sam & Dave: “Something is wrong with my baby, when she’s not attending me.”
Yes, this is what Peter Pan would have come to: there is no island, dudes!
Maybe he went through puberty, but it apparently never reached his brain. It’s as though he remains stuck in a thirteen year old mindset; a condition we are designed to Get Over.
Only he never did. Reading the quotes here convinces me he may have had sex, but he has never Made Love.
Because not only is there something very, very wrong with him, he’s convinced that every man in the world is the same way.
This isn’t just a state of Not-Enlightened. This is sitting in a cave in the very bowels of the Earth with the door closed.
MzNicky’s expectations suggest that she is actually a cat.
Smut Clyde: According to Matt T., it would seem I’m more of a turner-outer. Or was, once upon a time.
BTW, in a stupendous example of weep-worthy irony, a sidebar at AceHole’s place features a link to this article at that conservatard Hollywood site: “Oscars’ quiet misogyny”
MzNicky,
Somehow, I’m not surprised. I bet you grinned the entire time, too.
Chicken choking is the best thing. No need to ask for permission, or play nice. And you can get it whenever you want it.
Honestly, if you’re male and read that last quote from ace (gavin’s quote) and it’s not the last thing you ever read at ace’s site, you’re a fucking homunculus retard that, at very best, deserves a chronic masturbation habit in your parents basement for the rest of your pathetic existence and to be shunned females of all species, not just the species you claim to be part of.
Seriously, if you’re that fucking stupid and hateful you deserve your fate.
Hey ace, “Who the hell knows what’s going on down there”. Well ace, I want to tell you, I know what’s going on down there like there’s no tomorrow. If you’re confused by it then, well, if you’re confused by “it” then why in the hell are you in the position to offer any advice at all.
Talk about losers whose entire sexuality is informed by cheap, printed porn mags.
Holy shit that may be one of the dumbest fucking things I’ve ever read and that’s saying something because ace writes a lot of stupid shit.
More Sam & Dave, Ace Style:
Hold on, I’m coming
Okay, I’m done
Goodnight
If your wife doesn’t sleep with you unless you beg or argue, there are really only a few possibilities:
1) You’re a lousy fuck.
2) She hates you *and* you’re a lousy fuck.
3) She’s a manipulative bitch.
4) She’s gay.
3 is pretty rare, but it does happen, so it had to be included — however, it says pretty much *nothing* about either her sexuality or the sexuality of women in general, and says everything about whether she’s a manipulative bitch. 4, likewise, is a small chance statistically, but it has to be considered.
The vastly higher likelihood in almost every circumstance, however, is 1 or 2. Given that all evidence points towards Ace being intensely ignorant and/or selfish in the sack, I think it’s pretty safe to conclude that the reason he doesn’t get laid is because no one wants to lay him. It’s interesting, the side effects of being an arrogant stupid prick.
Turned off by cunninglingus? Eh, a lot of guys don’t dig that. Who the hell knows what’s going on down there.
Step aside son, this is man’s work.
The vastly higher likelihood in almost every circumstance, however, is 1 or 2.
I’m not discounting 4 too quickly. Ace would be stupid enough to expect heterosexual relations with a lesbian, on demand.
At least, we know it was never spoken by anyone like Ace.
BTW, the man has clearly never heard of satyriasis. A condition not likely to be cured by even an excess of marital sex. Or extramarital sex, come to that.
But again, we’re talking about Ace. Who will never have personal knowledge of anything beyond a tattered copy of Penthouse, a wad of Kleenex, and his own dominant hand.
“some women suddenly (or over a period of years) lose all interest in sex”
Only women? Seriously, though, any couple married for 15 years where either partner suddenly loses all formerly present interest in sex “to the point at which they avoid intimate situations as much as possible with their partners, and actively avoids intimate situations in an effort to prevent such questions from arising” has problems that won’t be solved by the disinterested partner merely “putting out.”
It’s not entirely true that ‘you can get it whenever you want it’. It’s generally wise to avoid strangling your bishop while you’re riding a bus or going through a job interview, no matter how eager you may be.
But I guess that depends on what job you’re interviewing for.
Conservatives don’t understand that coerced (consent for) sex is worthless, just like coerced prayer or coerced patriotism (requiring the pledge of allegiance.
But Ace sure as hell wants to stick his dick in it. Oh look, a pile of Play-Doh and bacon, maybe I should stuff my cock into it. Hey, a mysterious mass of something totally icky that I don’t want to think about at all – maybe I should ram it until my balls hurt.
So, I guess this does clear things up – Ace wants sex, but not sex with anyone he might like or respect. Just something that won’t interfere with his fantasizing about the rough men who keep us safe in the night.
Sam & Dave, the Ace Remix:
Hold on, I’m coming
Forget it, I’m done
The fact is, harder man! Yeah, drill me hard…deep and hard ….both of you at the same time…yeah man spank me… fuck me fuck me fuck me
Hey! Who left this thing turned on?
Also, just in case you were wondering. Michael Scherer? Still fluffing. Dmanit, that boy loves his JiSM3 so much, he can’t stop – even after the Inauguration.
His latest article? Well here’s the story – right out of the gate, the Obama Administration had major announcements and executive orders addressing a number of things. Some staffer’s had misspelled name tags. Obama is still adjusting to everyone standing whenhe enters a room. What do you title such an article? How about The Obama Team’s Debut: Not Quite Ready on Day One.
Here’s a better title: “Michael Scherer: Not Quite Ready to Stop Sucking John McCain’s Cock on Day One of The Misadministration of That Horrible Negro – and I Categorically Deny Any Charges of Favortism”.
It always comes back to this: the conservative male’s unshakable faith in the Electric Socket Theory for Pleasuring Women.
They think all they should have to do is plug it in, and the lights should come on.
And if the lights don’t come on? Keep trying the same thing over and over again, just like they do with every other one of their failed ideas. Because, in the end, the lights not coming on isn’t proof that their idea is wrong; it’s proof that someone else isn’t doing it right and needs to shape up.
UR DOIN IT RONG
Seriously. Aside from hormonal imbalances or other medical problems, this doesn’t happen out of the blue. This happens when the lusty teenage years have tempered their fires for sheer biological reproduction, and doing one’s religious duty has been done enough times, and these were the only reasons the other party was putting up with it in the first place.
We’re human. We don’t stop doing pleasurable things.
Heck, they put out a Claymation Public Service announcement telling senior citizens to watch our for STDs, I saw it on KO last night. Either the Claymation types rooked a grant for a non-existent problem, or…
People like lovemaking when it’s done right.
Its clear Ace views a satisfying sexual relationship as part of the social contract. He has a job and doesn’t commit crimes (nice guy!) so women owe him nookie. Very well, Ace, why don’t you go into the jungle and make yourself a drum, and when you come back, the elders will clip your fertoe (sp?) and get you a nice maiden. Don’t mind the anthropologists bringing the neck chains, they will introduce themselves later. The rest of us will stay in the twenty first century.
For some reason, my mind drifts to the conservative inability to write anything remotely sexy or erotic. Witness O’Reilly, Cheney, and Scooter “Sex with a Bear” Libby.
Maybe being conservative is a HUGE part of the problem.
Wowzers. He just keeps smearing shit all over his face. It should be clear to all and sundry – save the ever oblivious Ace himself – that his thing is humiliation. And that his latest series of posts is, in a very real sense, autoeroticism. With a big dose of exhibitionism to boot.
Let go my ears lady, I know what I’m doing!
Looks like a lot of ‘guys’ still think this way: that THEY have the power in a relationship, due to money, superior strength or just the fact they’re men. Ug.
One of the major things I discussed on my no-longer-being-updated “Why Your Wife Won’t Have Sex With You” blog (click me) is that differing sex drives CAN initiate a power struggle. If a man considers the point of the exercise to be getting his wife to “give in,” she may refuse to “give in” just to retain her self-respect. Attitude counts.
The “transactional,” quid pro quo concept of marriage (instead of the “partnership” model) is often the root of sexual problems. So, yeah, people’s fixation on having The power in a relationship can screw things up royally.
Okay, the link didn’t work because I screwed it up. Try my name again.
http://blogs.salon.com/0003935/categories/whyYourWifeWontHaveSexWithYou/2007/06/01.html
I encourage conservatives to keep writing extensively about their sexuality, so that we can get a clear picture of the type of thought processes that fuel their political theories.
Fact:
Ace and his commenters could learn something by watching monkeys.
Also. Women don’t just “suddenly” become disinterested in sex after 15 years of marriage. It may be that the camel’s back has finally started feeling the strain from years of cute little husbandly habits like interrupting his wife and talking over her, dismissing her thoughts and feelings, and etc. It takes (a lot of) women awhile to become conscious of and angry about things like that, and the result is a resounding loss of libido. After dismissing such factors as being very conservative, or having medical problems, then you consider couples therapy.
and sorry for the not-funny, but if db (Ace?) is still reading, he needs to hear that.
Ace doesn’t hate the poon, he just hates the thing surrounding it.
The thing is, there’s a way around that. Really. Maybe he should try it.
There’s also the RealTouch, the first haptic erotic something or other.
Linky NSFW!
The biggest turn-off is the man assuming that he is superior to the woman. Men whose egos can’t take being the subordinate or equal in a relationship are driven to constantly prove to themselves they are in charge, so they manipulate, make mildly insulting remarks, and pull rank all the time. Most of them also think they are nice guys because they don’t rape and pillage when they could because of their Mighty Penis.
It’s really not complicated. Men who like themselves are often likable, and find other people who like them.
mingo: bingo.
Too bad Ace is an obtuse jacktard who never learns anything; all our brilliant advice and thoughtful analysis is for naught.
Also, I believe Jennifer’s Electric Socket Theory is soundly supported by decades and decades of solid field research. By millions and billions of test subjects.
Ace’s tragic lacuna of whoopee may have a very simple, er, root cause.
Might not a woman, upon getting to know him & thus learn what the contents of his cranium are really like, then take a moment to contemplate the results of having a wingnut do to her body what they do to logic, language & politics … & suddenly realize she has a headache / has to get up REALLY early tomorrow / is a lesbian (at least for the rest of the week) / just remembered she left the stove on?
I know if I was female, the possibility of finding out first-hand would give me a raging case of Sahara-Desert-cunt in about 0.04 seconds flat.
PeeJ:” Real Touch: Developed AND tested by a former NASA engineer”???? In conjunction with the planned manned mission to Mars, no doubt…and proving once again the creativity of American engineering.
Hey, Ace, we’re just not that into you.
Poor Ace. I watched the video, and DMOP and Amy seemed, in their own clunky way, to be actually trying to help; that is, when they weren’t trying to blame all of men’s, and by extension, Ace’s, problems on TEH DREADED FEMINISM. I’d have trouble taking advice from DMOP, though… she always seems on the verge of snapping out and ranting about how she’s had ENOUGH of liberal bullying…
I tried reading other posts in Ace’s blog. The whole thing is virtually unreadable, although to Ace’s credit, some guy named Dave in Texas is the worst offender.
Hey, Ace, we’re just not that into you.
Amanda Marcotte once said that while liberals tend to view (or should view, rather) sex as a collaborative action, like playing in a band with others, conservatives tend to view it as a contest, like basketball, something they must “win” and the other “team” (in other words, women) must “lose.”
Some conservatives, however, seem to take that a step further, as if their ideal “basketball game” is one in which the other team doesn’t really want to play in the first place….
“Wowzers. He just keeps smearing shit all over his face. It should be clear to all and sundry – save the ever oblivious Ace himself – that his thing is humiliation. And that his latest series of posts is, in a very real sense, autoeroticism. With a big dose of exhibitionism to boot.”
Well, PJ, I’d say you’ve, ah, nailed it.
And you can get it whenever you want it.
Well, this is the problem, see. Ace’s hand has won a restraining order.
some guy named Dave in Texas is the worst offender.
What a surprise.
Ace’s hand has won a restraining order.
Ace is so selfish he always made his hand sleep in the wet spot.
J–,
Wow, Dave in Texas is a real asshole. Can’t blame him though. If I was that ugly I’d probably be an asshole too.
I enjoyed making this.
MarkusR said,
Chicken choking is the best thing.
Is this where Ace puts his hands around his throat and chokes himself to death? I’m all for that.
Mind your language, Rusty Shackleford. Keep calling us ugly and we’ll go on strike. You wouldn’t like that.
Ace problem seems to be that the only person who will sleep with him is himself; and he’s just not into him.
If your wife doesn’t sleep with you unless you beg or argue, there are really only a few possibilities:
1) You’re a lousy fuck.
2) She hates you *and* you’re a lousy fuck.
3) She’s a manipulative bitch.
4) She’s gay.
Likewise, though Ace and his fan club will never mention it, if your husband won’t sleep with you, there are a few possibilities…
1, 2, 3, and 4. Yes, it happens, incredible I know….
I read some of the comments over there. wow. So many sad, angry, clueless conservative men. (there are probably several redundancies in that description)
We’re not into Ace either and we wish he would leave us alone!
Among the sentences never spoken in human history: “Your Honor, I was compelled to have an affair. My wife was fucking me too damn much.”
Ace’s partner wears a strap-on?
Chicken choking is the best thing.
Worst tongue-twister EVER.
[Omnes: Ha, Smut said ‘tongue-twister’ in a thread about cunnilingus!]
He’s not getting sex because he knows nothing about how to please a women. What a slimy newt.
I know it’s a lot to ask, but 24 hrs. of discussing the new tome “Can’t Get No Nookie! The Sex Life (If You Can Call It That) Of The American Male Wingnut” is w/in 12 hrs. of my limit for that sort of thing.
Nonetheless: Is it perhaps the scent of the various Depends & adult diapers these clowns must have to sport 24/7 that is making them non-appealing?
There must be a study of this phenomenon somewhere in the literature. “Sphincter Release Syndrome in Irrationally Paranoid Pin-Dicks,” or something.
Alright, alright. “Uncontrolled Sphincter Release, etc.,” if you insist.
He’s not getting sex because he knows nothing about how to please a women. What a slimy newt.
If I was a woman, I think I’d prefer sex with a slimy newt over sex with Ace. It’s a very difficult thought experiment for obvious reasons.
Smithers, release the sphincters!
Smut, you are the sly lexicophile, aren’t you?
gary graham has another column up at Breitbart’s. Nothing more to add.
Plus DumbAce misspelled “cunnilingus,” and in an unsurprising way besides.
These comments, all of them, are very funny, and I laughed reading them. Higher praise than that I cannot give. Or maybe I could. Anyway, funny comments.
Ace is ‘writing’ over at Big Hollywood. Breitbart’s scraping the bottom of the latrine for input.
This is why relationships end, the moment anyone tries to talk about sex as a mature adult, the other person gets defensive and insists on acting like a 12 year old child.
If people were free to be honest, this discussion would probably be had before a sexual relationship starts. There’s really no reason to feel ashamed or guilty if a relationship fails do to a general sexual incompatibility. This happens because people treat sex as a taboo subject until they actually get to the point where they want to have it and then realize that they have completely different sexual appetites and hang-ups. At that point, one partner will attack the other, calling them a pervert or a nympho, the other one will learn to resent their partner like all hell, and they will go about hating each-other until they split up for some minor, trivial thing instead of owning up the fact that they never really belonged together in the first place.
People feel fine admitting that a relationship ended because two people have completely different values, goals in life, or food preferences. Yet if you split up because you’re not sexually compatible, it means someone is either a frigid bitch or over-sexed asshole. The truth is, sex is really important. It’s one of the 4 or 5 most important issues in a relationship (faith, finances, Ideology, and parenting style are the others). People should be free to discuss sexual issues openly instead of… well… what happens in half of the above comments.
Ace may be making some crude points, but many of them are valid and much of the criticism here is based on our own imagined caricature of Ace, a man none of us actually know. Perhaps it’s all those psyche classes from college, but I’m having a real hard time laughing at this.
Soullite is having trouble getting some from the missus, is my bet. Why else would he here defending pond scum.
our imagined caricature of Ace
You think the person who wrote:
Turned off by cunninglingus? Eh, a lot of guys don’t dig that. Who the hell knows what’s going on down there. It’s like H.R. Geiger giving up ink and canvas to work in the avant-garde medium of Play-Doh and bacon.
is a mature adult?
Soullite, if Ace had said any of that no one would be arguing, but he didn’t.
Diapers to Red State Trike Force, Stat !!!
Breitbart’s scraping the bottom of the latrine for input.
I doubt that; way too much actual work involved. Lazily skimming the shit-moat is more likely.
Apparently Ace, like B. Prelutsky, is recycling at Big Ho.
They love you Andy! You’re getting their best stuff!
Diapers, eh? So the Kerning Division has officially reorganized into the Bedwetter Brigade.
Soulite,
Point 1 – Ace caricatured himself long ago. When Ace put his juvenile screeds about sex and women out on the internet, he’s got called on it by a lot of people. Since he does it repeatedly, he’s the target of humor for the simple reason that he has absolutely no awareness how much he sounds like a frustrated teenage boy who can neither spell cunnilingus or Giger.
Point 2 – Don’t be a humorless git here. If you wish to discuss sexual matters seriously, go to Pandagon. Of course, I don’t think Amanda will be too sympathetic with your defense of Ace. Your putting more weight on his thoughts(?!) and words than they possibly can bear. And for chrissakes don’t tell her you’re a nice guy. The full-force blast isn’t survivable.
Oh J_ and RB, thanks for the trip down memory lane with “Dave in Texas.” Good times.
There’s really no reason to feel ashamed or guilty if a relationship fails do to a general sexual incompatibility. This happens because people treat sex as a taboo subject until they actually get to the point where they want to have it and then realize that they have completely different sexual appetites and hang-ups.
I think that just about everyone here would agree with you. Assuming that Ace does have someone special, if he were to approach her and say, “You are very important to me, and I really do care for you, but I’m not getting all of the sexual fulfillment that I need out of this relationship – what can we do about it?”, that would be a mark of maturity. In real life that doesn’t go very smoothly, but there is a much greater chance of future happiness for both parties.
See, in that scenario he is treating her as a person, with needs that are real, albeit different from his. On his blog she is just “the woman”, like “the car” or “the microwave”. Her function is to provide him with sex. If she doesn’t, she needs to get fixed, and other people need to stop fiddling with her mechanisms and making her run all screwy.
It is fine, super, dandy, and terrific to be honest about your sexual needs; you just have to realize that other people have no obligation to fulfill them.
soullite,
While the usual response to a comment like yours has the words “That’s”, “how”, “we” and “roll” in it, I think it might be worth the effort to try and deal with it on a more seriouse level.
I appreciate that this has already gotten to be a pretty long thread, but right up there near the top – you may have noticed some speculation about what Ace views as “normal” in a relationship. Basically the concept of “a wife’s duty is to put out”. There’s a comparison between what Ace’s Tradition Definition of Marriage is to the prostitution. There’s a consideration of the idea that somehow “marriage” turns sex from the vilest act a woman can even think to commit to her sacred duty. There’s discussion about communication between partners and dealing with expectations. Stuff like noticing that in Ace’s world Men want Sex, Wives want Stuff they Can Get If They Would Just Spread Their Legs. And this is all despite Ace’s pathetically ignorant attitude about women and their genitals. Sooooo, yeah – all that serious discussion, ability to consider SEX in a mature way? It’s up there in this thread. Plenty of it.
And in closing,
PENIS
Ooops,
I attempted to respond coherently to an ad for eHarmony. You win soullite – you trolled me good.
I’m shocked, shocked, that no one has posted this yet.
Just out of curiosity though, soullite – exactly what “crude but valid points” was Ace making? That vaginas are scary? That women can get the new washing machine they want so much by sucking off their man?
Oh look! I found where Ace has been living his whole life!
soullite said at 23:01
Oh noes, someone is being serious on the internet! Clearly it is time to hear from the Voice of Calm Reason, interspersed with the occasional involuntary Feck.
I think we can all agree that it is intrinsically funny when someone who has so little interaction with the real world that they are running a blog, uses that blog to air their deep insights into the personalities and inter-personal issues of other people.
An additional layer of irony is added when it is a man talking about the experiences of women — offering his advice on what they really want and how they could improve their relationships — and another layer when the no-life blogger focuses specifically on the sexual aspects of a relationship.
Ace is clearly aware of this, and as part of his shtick he has created this “Ace of Spades” persona: a buffoonish Archie-Bunker loudmouth who dispenses his advice in the nudge-nudge we’re-all-guys-here style of a college student holding forth to his mates after a few beers. A lot of his hyperbole is funny, in a L.H. Puttgrass Signing Off And Heading For The Tub! way, for certain coarse-minded values of “funny”.
I’m sure the commentariat all realise this and are ridiculing the persona rather than the author — who may well be a perfectly nice guy for all I know.
FECK!
— who may well be a perfectly nice guy for all I know
Nice guys don’t say the things Ace does. Nice guys have at least a certain amount of self-respect. And the first rule of a successful marriage is respecting marital privacy, which Ace blithely obliterates, but without ever raising his wife into an individual person. She’s just “the woman”.
Nice two-birds-with-one-stone, except one of them is his wife.
Shit, he is married, right?
Smut, you are the sly lexicophile, aren’t you?
You mean, a cunning linguist?
OK, I know it’s been said, but not in this thread yet…
Mooser,j
Indeed he is, and it will no doubt make more than a few Sadlynauts green with envy/red with rage that she not only inflates/deflates in seconds, she has her very own travel case and is completely machine-washable!
is code that discloses personality traits
And the first rule of a successful marriage is respecting marital privacy,
To be fair, my own shtick here compels me to mention the Frau Doktorin from time to time, usually in terms of her tolerance of my bad behaviour, in a see-what-she-has-to-put-up-with way. An unsympathetic reader could see this as unconscionably patronising of me.
It is just one more thing she has to put up with.
L.H. Puttgrass Signing Off And Heading For The Tub!
Can someone tell me what the genesis of this phrase is? I have Googled it to no avail.
Just consider how pissed off Andrew Sullivan would be if every one of you guys sent $1 or $3.
Yes, Ace, consider how angry he might be, and how he might punish you for being a bad wittle boy.
Shun the Bloom County non-reader!
Shun him!
To be fair, Bloom County is a little bit before my time.
How much do you think ol’ Ace manages to haul in off that shitty blog? I’m really curious to know.
Someone named “ace” keeps calling me. Is there someway to end this harassment?
~
I think we can all agree that it is intrinsically funny when someone who has so little interaction with the real world that they are running a blog, uses that blog to air their deep insights into the personalities and inter-personal issues of other people.
Already stolen & in use. (Took out the comma, though.)
Thanks, Dok!
This is kind of sad:
My guess is Ace realizes that Andrew Sullivan is more manly than he is, despite being infected with teh ghey.
Well, I was going to give Ace $50, but that Paul Anka thing…
see right sidebar. humourous.
(wordpress is acting up again)
How many chickens would a chicken-choker choke if a chicken-choker chose to choke chickens?
Is this thread gonna hit the five-hundred mark? I’ll pitch in and help from here on, since it’s late enough to claim that most of the really funny cracks about this subject have already appeared– hence my own apparent dearth of witty resourcefulness.
I read the original entry last night shortly after its posting, and had already thought of all that funny stuff in the foregoing comments before finally reading them just now. It’s deja vu all over again!
I’m not the chicken-choker, I’m the chicken-choker’s chum.
I’ll sit here choking chickens till the chicken-choker comes.
I came from Cochin-China to choke chickens like a pro
But they chucked me into choky and let the chicken-choker go.
A chicken choker would choke what a chicken choker could choke, If a chicken choker could choke chickens.
Alas, it’s busy spanking a monkey just now.
I am not into that spanking scene. Try the bonobos next door.
So, if an infinite number of moneys typing will write Shakespeare, will an infinite number of spanking monkeys write Ace’s blog??
…from 1953, maybe. But what century is this, again???
Woodrowfan: That would explain it, wouldn’t it?
“Aye, there’s the rub. Ace describes a situationally comedic dynamic in which men want sex and women give it to them in return for certain things, but it seemingly hasn’t occurred to him that, under the right circumstances, a woman might want to fuck a man just because.”
That’s becaurse it’s never occurred to him.
See, here’s the thing. My last ex was a Repub, and he was…wow. Fantastic. So, Ace doesn’t even have that excuse, really.
Shorter Ace: “Baby, when I said your vulva looked like an H.R. Giger horror movie prop, I meant that in a good way!”
After reading this with his recent obscene post about Michelle Obama in mind, I really think he might be the foulest blogger out there.
Possibly the foulest human being out there, but I confess my exposure is limited.
Zuzu’s Petals, I assure you there are fouler creatures out there than Ace. Have you yet been acquainted with The Shrieking Harpy?
Something just hit me… it’s like Ace learned everything he knows about women (HA!) by watching Army of Darkness. Poor Ace doesn’t know why women flee from him shrieking in horror when he says “Gimme some sugar, baby!” or “Hail to the king, baby!”
He doesn’t realize that: a) it’s a movie and b) he’s no Bruce Campbell.
Maybe being conservative is a HUGE part of the problem.
Thus we now see the only proper context for “huge” and “conservative” to be linked.
He doesn’t realize that: a) it’s a movie and b) he’s no Bruce Campbell.
The Blog Of Bubba Ho-Tep starring Ace.
Rich2506: How I miss that woman. Got to meet her at a party once, and she was just as much fun in person as she was in print.
This repulsive prose bomb reminds me of that Randy Newman line, “Why must they laugh at my mighty sword?”
As for Ace’s unmanly fear of the mysterious alien chesthugger coiled and waiting in a lady’s lap, I can only think of another late lamented, Redd Foxx: “Learn to [perform cunnilingus]. If you don’t, your neighbor will. I know. I’ve been married four times. And I’ve been a neighbor all my life.”
Given the choices listed above, I think my ex-husband must have been gay.
it’d explain the smell too. eww
it’d explain the smell too. eww.
And looking at that picture, and reading all those bons mots…gee, I really have to wonder why it’s never occurred to him.
But I bet something else is about to occur to him, and real soon…and that thing is D-I-V-O-R-C-E.
Like I said, nagging ain’t foreplay. And nonconsummation is still grounds, as is mental cruelty. (Nonconsummation due to mental cruelty? Doubleplusgrounds.)
Bah! Must ve waste our time psycho-analyzing dis unseemly little kreep, dis blob of snott, dis dildo uff dunderheadedness, dis…dis…kockroach-in-human-form dat iss Ace? “He” (und I use der term loosely) is filth, fit only for der extermination! I haff a Doktorate! I know whereuff I speak! How would dis “Ace” (iff dat iss his real name!) even know how a woman feels? Or a man, for dat matter?!? Ho! Ho! Ho! Der fool!
These guys … to them, women aren’t human beings with whom you may be so fortunate as to share a warm, loving, sharing relationship, they are the gatekeepers to teh sex.
And they wonder why it’s so difficult for them to get any.
But I know of at least one husband whose wife blew the month by watching the Australian Open until 2 AM, so there is that.
(During Shabbos the wife completely crashed)