Lost
Things aren’t going so well for America’s Worst Lawyer who is on a downward spiral that led from Harvard Law School to about 8.2 seconds as an associate at a large L.A. law firm to solo practice as Benjamin Shapiro Legal Consulting with no clients and no website. That perhaps explains why Ben is trying out for the position of America’s Worst TV Critic™ over at Big Andy’s Big Hollywood Big Website. Since all good wingnuts must filter everything through the prism of wingnuttery, Ben is sharing his thoughts as to who is the most conservative character on Lost, an exercise somewhat comparable to attempting to determine what is the most conservative fixture in his bathroom.
Ben gives the nod to Sawyer who is not only the best conservative character on Lost but also the best conservative TV character EVAH:
Josh Holloway’s Southern con man, James “Sawyer” Ford, is the best conservative character on television, bar none. Sure he sleeps around – what con man worth his salt doesn’t? But he votes Republican – in Episode 16 of Season 1, Outlaws, Sawyer admits that he has never voted Democrat. He’s a proud gun-toter, carrying rifles and pistols with equal authority. He’s a true capitalist, buying and selling like Warren Buffet at a flea market. And he hates communism. When one female character suggests that everyone share a cache of food, Sawyer sneers, “Oh sure, Moonbeam, and then maybe we can all do Trust Falls and sing Kumbaiya.” Sawyer is the first to engage in racial profiling – he labels fellow crash survivor Sayid a terror suspect in Episode 1, Season 1 … And boy is he tough. In Season 2, he rips a bullet out of his shoulder with his bare hands. Ask Al Franken to do that.
In other words, the best conservative on television is a racist, selfish, lying con man and thief who can’t keep his dick in his pants. Wingnuts do occasionally speak the truth, even if only by accident.
Brad adds: As an official Lost addict, I couldn’t help but chime in. Here’s what he says about Ben Linus, who is brilliantly played by Michael Emerson:
3. Benjamin “Henry Gale” Linus: AKA Benry. Benry is evil to be sure – but he’s pure, solid, wonderful evil in the mold of Dick Cheney. He’s a conniving, backstabbing, brilliant leader, a guy who will do anything to win – and anything to save the Island. He’ll even speak Turkish, then kick Tunisian ass.
So what makes Ben a conservative? Apparently, he’s evil and he kills Arabs.
I can’t figure out whether there really is a Ben Shapiro writing these things or if it’s actually Gary Ruppert taking the piss at Breitbart’s expense.
HTML adds: That’s some flaming wingnuttery right there, but Virgin Ben is merely a novice Zhdanovian hack compared to a master like Jonathan V. Last.
Yeah, I mean, maybe it’s me, but I wouldn’t enshrine “The Asshole on Lost” as the perfect icon for my political philosophy. Besides, everyone knows most wingnuts look like Ben Linus instead.
Sure he sleeps around – what con man worth his salt doesn’t?
I don’t think he understands what a con man is. Maybe Benjamin Shapiro Legal Consulting specializes in criminal law.
But Sawyer also had sex with a foreigner! Wouldn’t that automatically disqualify him?
Besides, everyone knows most wingnuts look like Ben Linus instead.
Well, look and act like him.
In other words, the best conservative on television is a racist, selfish, lying con man and thief who can’t keep his dick in his pants.
Wow, talk about the ultimate “Mary Sue”.
Also note that I did not say think like Ben Linus. That Ben always has a fucking plan, while this Ben is still searching for a clue.
Oh and Sawyer also gets fooled rather easily, even by Hurley!
…
Wait, I guess that does make him the ‘most conservative’ character on Lost afterall!
Oh come on, he isn’t even the best conservative charcter on the show. That’s got to be either Ben or Charles Widmore. The first is a manipulative, power hungry, ruthless liar who cares nothing for anyone but himself and his own survival. The second is a cold, heartless hyper-capitalist who will kill anyone who gets in his way. By comparison, the lying, racist, horny con man that is Sawyer is practically a boy scout.
I love it. Sawyer is the best conservative because you can sum up his view of life as “I got mine; now fuck off and die.” Except he isn’t really like this of course. I wonder if Virgin Ben has watched past season 2.
I am curious what Shapiro thinks of Locke.
On one hand, Locke’s kind of a prick. Which appears to get points in the “conservative” scoring system.
On the other, Locke’s main goal is to save the Island, which sounds like hippie, peacenik environmentalist hoodoo-voodooism.
Who the Fuck watches Lost?
This whole “find the Conservative values in Pop Culture” exercise of late is incredibly pathetic.
Who do they think they are? Black Slaves in the South searching for passages about liberation in the Bibles of their Owners?
Are these former Masters of the Universe so owned by Liberalism that they have been reduced to this?
Ben is sharing his thoughts as to who is the most conservative character on Lost, an exercise somewhat comparable to attempting to determine what is the most conservative fixture in his bathroom.
Oh puLEEZ! TinTin!
Larry Craig, hullllllllllllllllooooooooooooooooo????
It’s kind of a sad thing with me but every now and again I imagine conservative kids growing up and watching M*A*S*H and idolizing Frank Burns.
“Who the Fuck watches Lost?”
Lots of people who frequent this site.
Off topic, but did you hear that Sam Wurzelbacher is headed to Gaza to report media bias?
http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2009/jan/09/joe-plumber-gaza-reporter
I hope this goes as well as Malkin’s “it’s not blown-up, just well ventilated” sojourn into Iraq.
The next person that bring that prick up is going to have me hating them so hard their brain begins bleeding over the Internet.
Brilliant, they have linked to the Sun on the black jesus thing. For those of you that don’t live in the UK, Monday to Friday the Sun has a page three model, which is essentially a young lady who gets her tatters out (nipples and all) in the paper.
Bastion of family values that….
Mebbe I was the last to hear, but when did the Virgin Ben get married?
The fact is, You liberal haters can hate on Ben but he’s got your number and got you nailed dead to rights, truth is to liberals like holy water to a vampire, and your full of hate and bias.
“This guy’s an unpardonable prick! What a fantastic ideological role-model!”
How do people like Shapiro not know what they’re typing?
Perhaps the reason Al Frankin has never pulled a bullet out of his shoulder with his bare hands is that he is not, in point of fact, a fictional character existing only on the teevee screen.
I’ll bet he’s been to one or two flea markets, though.
Also, I wonder what Ben’s take on torture was in Lost.
Y’know, since it’s always the ethnic guy (or as me and my friends call Sayid, Iraq Bauer) doing the torturing to the conservative icons (apparently).
So how about it?
Does the fact that Sawyer and Ben didn’t break prove or disprove torture’s effectiveness, shitstain?
I’ve never seen Lost, but I assume it’s safe to say that they’re marooned on a desert island? With scant hope of rescue? Which means their survival resources are limited?
Therefore, if sharing a cache of food = “communism,” then this jerk–Ben, not the character–is beyond parody. And his sitting-in-the-first-row, always-has-his-hand-up perkiness is just icing on the Cake of Hideous.
Really, how did this guy get a law degree? Surely being able to be understand the difference between dreams and reality integral to the qualification?
I’m tempted to move to the States and commit a crime and hire Ben to defend me. OK, I’d end up doing considerable time but at least my mates would have had a laugh at the Bensanity of his defence.
Man, that wholyweird site is pure wingnut welfare. “Write some shit! Any shit! Crazy as you like! but get it in before this thing dies”
Does R M Scaife read the shit he pays for?
Big Bad Bald Bastard nails it, I think. It’s that whole Randroid self-delusion of how, if society fell apart, *my* awesomeness would shine out and I would emerge as a leader of men and blah blah blah. I suppose only *most* people who think this way would, in fact, get their asses kicked continuously, and that one or two of those who fancy themselves Conan the Barbarian would actually survive long enough to face a vengeful mob.
It’s kind of a sad thing with me but every now and again I imagine conservative kids growing up and watching M*A*S*H and idolizing Frank Burns.
graduating law school is painless. it brings on many changes.
Summed up nicely, but surely there are other contenders for America’s worst lawyer. Lanny Davis, for example.
I’ve never seen Lost, but I assume it’s safe to say that they’re marooned on a desert island? With scant hope of rescue? Which means their survival resources are limited?
Yes, that’s the one. And there’s a little guy with a scruffy beard and a professor, a movie star and a rich guy and his wife.
ATTN: SUPERDOME RESIDENTS
I think it’s time to face facts. That place is going to be a Mad Max/thunderdome Waterworld/Lord of the Flies horror show within the next few hours. My advice is to prepare yourself now. Hoard weapons, grow gills and learn to communicate with serpents. While you’re working on that, find the biggest guy you can and when he’s not expecting it beat him senseless. Gather young fighters around you and tell the womenfolk you will feed and protect any female who agrees to participate without question in your plans to repopulate the earth with a race of gilled-supermen. It’s never too soon to be prepared.
I never get tired of posting that.
I dont’ think we can take Ben’s ex-Virginosity for granted. He sounds like he goes to Dennis Prager for marital advice, and we all know Prager can’t get laid even with a marriage certificate.
It’s kind of a sad thing with me but every now and again I imagine conservative kids growing up and watching M*A*S*H and idolizing Frank Burns.
graduating law school is painless. it brings on many changes.
Y’know, if they had mobile law offices in Korea, they’d be called M*A*L*L*S
Sure he sleeps around – what con man worth his salt doesn’t?
Or so said the “con man” No-Longer-Virgin Ben hired to teach him the Art of the Rand Ninja…
Does R M Scaife read the shit he pays for?
The easy answer would be, “Yes, but only in the bathroom”. The true answer, I suspect, is “No, he has ‘people’ to do all his reading for him.”
Re: sharing, communism, Kumbaya, and living in the wilderness
I look forward to Benjamin Shapiro’s review of Defiance.
Wingnuts done be going crazy since they lost their fragile entertainment messiah idolization on Battlestar.
If Ben is also trolling for law partners I think he’s found his kinda conservative candidate:
“Your Honor, my client is not guilty of murder – he was merely doing the right thing. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, if the brain’s full of conservative shit, you must acquit.”
Obviously a promising and aspiring Debbie Schlußelscheißen conservative legal ethicist of the highest caliber. Murder? Genocide? Hey, if it’s the right thing to do…….
And boy is he tough. In Season 2, he rips a bullet out of his shoulder with his bare hands. Ask Al Franken to do that.
I wonder if he’s aware that Al Franken isn’t, in fact, fictional. Or maybe he thinks Lost is a documentary. Who knows?
Just thought you might be interested – Dr. Black is stealing your shit again.
Didn’t the conservatives, like, fire all the wog -speaking fagalas in the CIA back in 2001?
Yes, that’s the one. And there’s a little guy with a scruffy beard and a professor, a movie star and a rich guy and his wife.
Don’t forget Mary Ann – she’s the true hotness on Lost.
Holy shit, Brad. Virgin Ben’s finally managed to break my brain there. They’re really enshrining being evil monsters as “conservative” virtue.
And now for a vaguely On-Topic comment:
Saying something about Senator-Elect Franken and bullets in his shoulder = funny joke,
Saying something about GOP dickwads or Mighty Wurlitzer
TalkingShitting Heads and bullets in shoulders = OMFG!!! TERRORISM!!!This has been your “How Wingnuts See The World” for the
dayperiod in time until someone else makes an observation.So, I guess Ben is reviewing network TV because he can’t afford cable or the price of a movie ticket. Strong work.
The fact is, as a conservative with reality and knowledge and hard work behind me, I will survive any cataclims and as well God is on my side. Liberals will die of starvation when the welfare runs out and George Soros tires of funding your lies.
Al Franken never gets hit with bullets – he uses his mind power to turn them into ballots – which is how he won the re-count.
Sweet Fancy Moses, has anyone read the comments over there?
__________________________________
Nick – January 9th, 2009 at 8:06 am
“[C]onservative” doesn’t always have to equal “good” or morally perfect. As a group, I think conservatives tend to emphasize forgiveness and the inherent imperfection of humanity much more so than do liberals, which also tends to make us much less willing to tolerate repeated, consistent displays of stupidity, incompetence, or corruption. We understand that people will make mistakes, but we also expect people to learn from those mistakes. We also are able to acknowledge that sometimes people are forced to resort to extreme measures, even violence, to ensure that right is done. An appreciation of righteous violence (i.e. 300, WWII, Iraq War, Israel in Gaza) doesn’t make us bloodthirsty monsters, it makes us human.
I understand Joe the Plumber has magical rocket-repelling powers because he’s Christian. Maybe Gary should look into that.
An appreciation of righteous violence (i.e. 300, WWII, Iraq War, Israel in Gaza) doesn’t make us bloodthirsty monsters, it makes us human.
Yes.
Bloodthirsty humans.
There aren’t enough wedgies in the world to demonstrate how I’m feeling now…
“[C]onservative” doesn’t always have to equal “good” or morally perfect.
It just has to equal “pisses off liberals”.
(i.e. 300, WWII, Iraq War, Israel in Gaza)
Cue Bob from Sesame Street and a particular song.
I understand Joe the Plumber has magical rocket-repelling powers because he’s Christian.
Oh, damn – he really said that, didn’t he?
Well, I don’t see how it could go wrong, after the effectiveness of Jeebusosity was proven last year when Obama’s nomination acceptance speech got rained out.
Legalise, I think that is worth a “Sweet Fancy Schmancy Moses”.
They got the whole Butter Churn of Crazy over there, don’t they?
Cue Bob from Sesame Street and a particular song.
“People in Your Neighborhood”?
K is for kooky.
It’s kind of a sad thing with me but every now and again I imagine conservative kids growing up and watching M*A*S*H and idolizing Frank Burns.
Don’t you mean Colonel Flagg?
Don’t you mean Colonel Flagg?
Oh, yes – idolizing Flagg but acting like Burns.
It takes a very special kind of ignorance and delusion, which I like to call “conservativism”, to mention 300 (rather than Thermopylae) in the same breath as the others.
Let’s go through some movies in history and indentify the Republicans.
It’s a Wonderful Life-Mr. Potter.
Animal House-Dean Wormer, Doug Niedermyer, Greg Marmalarde.
Lord of the Rings-Sauron.
The Ted Bundy Story-Ted Bundy.
-GSD
Exactly, Cat. They probably believe that 300 is a documentary, and that the Spartans actually yelled “Hoo rah” or whatever the fuck before they totally heterosexually killed the Persians who were barely (if at all) human. That movie has some slick laterally-moving fight scenes, but man is it stupidly transparently pandering to wingnut idiocy.
Let’s go through some movies in history and indentify the Republicans.
Silence of the Lambs – Jame Gumb (bet you thought I’d say Hannibal and you wouldn’t be wrong, except Hannibal actually ended up assisting a government agency)
Hannibal Lector- “We also are able to acknowledge that sometimes people are forced to resort to extreme measures, even violence, to ensure that right is done”
I only eats the bad peeple
“Perhaps the reason Al Frankin has never pulled a bullet out of his shoulder with his bare hands is that he is not, in point of fact, a fictional character existing only on the teevee screen.”
“I wonder if he’s aware that Al Franken isn’t, in fact, fictional. Or maybe he thinks Lost is a documentary. Who knows?”
That little comment kinda leaped out at me, too. Shit, if Ben thinks such a thing is some legitimate rite of manhood, shouldn’t he volunteer to have a couple of bullets pumped into him so he can pull them out with his teeth, or some such thing?
Or, to put it more succinctly: Wotta loon.
Lol actor I posted without seeing your more correct post, Curse this non- thought activated computer
I wondered why Republicans thought 300 was some historical treatise on an admittedly brave but doomed stand put up by Leonidas.
I always assumed 300 was a retelling of Thermopylae from the perspective of the general who’s rallying his troops for the final battle against the Persians, so it would naturally include outlandish parodies of the enemy to make him more fearsome but also dehumanize and minimize him, while understating all the resources and manpower available to the Spartans.
You know, a fairy tale.
I mean, that plot device is ONLY exposed in the final fucking scene and if you paid attention and had half a brai–
Oh.
Darn it, Kiwi, I really tried to time that so it came up AFTER yours!
I always assumed 300 was a retelling of Thermopylae from the perspective of the general who’s rallying his troops for the final battle against the Persians, so it would naturally include outlandish parodies of the enemy to make him more fearsome but also dehumanize and minimize him, while understating all the resources and manpower available to the Spartans.
You know, a fairy tale.
Other fairy tales:
Saddam Hussein had WMDs.
Al Qaeda is lurking in every garbage can.
Iran has teh nookulars.
“Let’s go through some movies in history and indentify the Republicans.”
Al Pacino in Scarface!
Tommy Lee Jones (Clay Shaw/Bertram) & Ed Asner (Guy Banister) in JFK.
“And boy is he tough. In Season 2, he rips a bullet out of his shoulder with his bare hands. Ask Al Franken to do that.”
Ask Ben Shapiro to do that.
Why is this little freak still around? I thought his thing was being a college kid who was also a crazy, hateful piece of shit. Now that he’s no longer in college or a kid why bother keeping him around? Surely there are better right wing asshole writers.
Maybe Ben isn’t doing so well at his profession because he patterns his behavior in the courtroom after Jack McCoy, not understanding that when the judges let McCoy get away with the most outrageous shit, it’s because they’re all actors following a script. It’s a good thing he didn’t study medicine, because he’d probably think House is a real doctor, and try to act like him.
I saw Ben Shapiro walking around Cambridge one day. Dressed like he was going to a Mathletes competion, he was carrying a Dunkin’ donuts shopping bag. What’s up with that?
Surely there are better right wing asshole writers.
Surely.
But this reminds me – what is Adam “macrowave” Yoshida up to these days? There’s a new janitor at my office who looks just like that weirdo – could it be himself?
Shouldn’t Ben be working on important legal documents for his clients instead of – …
Right.
There’s a new janitor at my office who looks just like that weirdo – could it be himself?
Do you think it’s easy to pay for a quadrupled electricity bill that comes purely out of spite in these economically-stressed times?
Do you think it’s easy to pay for a quadrupled electricity bill that comes purely out of spite in these economically-stressed times?
HA! I forgot he was doing that.
Shows how effective that piss-off-the-libbies strategy was.
300 had some good laughs, though. You have to give it that. Like that speech about freedom from a Spartan. Hilarious! Like he doesn’t belong to a society based around massive slavery.
Also tarring the enemy as queer was pretty good for a group that practiced institutional pederasty.
But..but… Sawyer is a criminal! He was in jail! Of course, most conservatives are criminals who should be in jail, but still!
I see one turd missed my bowl.
I’m working on an analysis for the site entitled:
“How it is that even though 300 looks like the gayest movie in Hollywood history, it really is not the gayest movie in Hollywood history. Even if it looks like it. The gayest movie in Hollywood history, I mean.”
Then my article goes on from there.
“Let’s go through some movies in history and indentify the Republicans.”
Al Pacino in Scarface!
Particularly, the “say hello to my little friend” bit, except it wasn’t realistic. The “little friend” wasn’t a Congressional page.
And may Al Frankin DID pull a bullet out of his shoulder with his bare hands. It could have happened.
Sawyer also made the sexy time with Anna Lucia, who is not entirely white, and therefore insufficiently American / human. He also did the deed with Kate. The actor who plays Kate is Canadian. Moreover, Sawyer has sex PERIOD. I would think that all three de facto disqualify him from being considered a “conservative.”
“Yes, that’s the one. And there’s a little guy with a scruffy beard and a professor, a movie star and a rich guy and his wife.”
Is the little guy with the scruffy beard the one who always chants, “The plane! The plane!”?
I don’t understand how popular shows like Lost (or movies like The Dark Knight) can be considered conservative, yet Hollywood is a bastion of evil liberalism bent on destroying America’s values.
His Grace:
The same way every talk-radio host is a right-wing psychotic, but because NPR exists the entire radio industry is left of Lenin?
Sure he sleeps around – what con man worth his salt doesn’t?
In his own case, Ben believes that getting a tug job from the other hand counts.
And Period sex is far too messy…
Let’s go through some movies in history and identify the Republicans
Davey
“I always assumed 300 was a retelling of Thermopylae from the perspective of the general who’s rallying his troops for the final battle against the Persians, so it would naturally include outlandish parodies of the enemy to make him more fearsome but also dehumanize and minimize him, while understating all the resources and manpower available to the Spartans.”
Except for the rather bizarro depictions of the Spartans, whose monsters, 10 foot tall leader, and scary lesbians are, IIRC, Snyder’s creation, and the entire Queen subplot, 300 is exactly like the comic book, which Miller insisted was as scrupulously researched and historically accurate as possible.
And BOY did Miller get pissy when people called him on the “Boy-lovers” thing.
Jillian,
we all know Prager can’t get laid even with a marriage certificate
Nor, apparently, with a bottle of roofies and ten thousand dollars. In Vegas.
Some Guy,
Wingnuts done be going crazy since they lost their fragile entertainment messiah idolization on Battlestar.
Oh yeah, that was best. tv. evah. Anybody got any links of that meltdown in progress?
He’s a proud gun-toter, carrying rifles and pistols with equal authority.
Ah, a gun fetish— an excellent sign of mental health!
Personally, I don’t collect guns, but I have a wonderful collection of torture devices.
Would you like to come down to my basement and check out my Iron Maiden?
Let’s go through some movies in history and indentify the Republicans.
Dr. Strangelove : Gen. Jack D. Ripper (Sterling Hayden), Buck Turgidson (Geo. C. Scott), Dr. Strangelove (Peter Sellars)
Actually, just about the whole cast (except for the POTUS)
Season 4 of Lost had their most conservative character — Keamy. His answer to everything was punch it, shoot it or blow it up.
Or, as the review in my newspaper calls it, Rambo: first barmitzvah.
Alas, this headline is missing from the online version.
It’s a good thing he didn’t study medicine, because he’d probably think House is a real doctor, and try to act like him.
I dunno. I think I’d like to see Mental Ben hooked on pain pills. It’d keep him quiet at least.
[…] (This isn’t a guest post by nobody’s friend, Ben Shaprio. This is just a tribute. Via S, N!) I first got into HBO’s hit television program The Wired about two years ago. A stranger mentioned it to the person in front of him at the 700 Club cafeteria, and by the time I finished the first episode, I knew I would be telling people I was completely hooked. […]
Check out this gem from Summa Cum Laude Ben’s review of the movie Body of Lies :
WOW!
Tintin you had me at the unibrow. It was almost too perfect that I did not want to spoil it by reading the post. But I did anyway.
Where to start?
First off what he is describing as conservatives I would call ass holes. And I am not sure the two are mutually inclusive. Would the VB really want to have either of these people as his boss? That is, if he could keep a job?
I don’t think VB needs to be insinuating that Al Franken is such a wussy. First, I can not remember at the top of my head who it was, but Franken did challenge one of these tuff guy pencil neck geeks to a back alley brawl with no witnesses before. I think it was Rich Lowry. Secondly, did he not wrestle some goof ball to the ground at the NH primary some time back Maybe VB knows that Franken, as a Senator, probably won’t go gunning for him.
Anyway, tough guy shit ain’t all that it is cracked up to be. Unless you live in fantasy land.
I still cannot figure out who these wingnuts cheer for in Rambo. The Sheriff or Rambo and then please explain it to me. VB, as a conservative, please review Rambo for me.
It appears a new word is necessary to describe the latest from The Virgin Ben (aka the worst Harvard Law School graduate in history):
Conservomorphism
definition: an interpretation of what is not human, personal or real, in terms of conservative or perceived conservative, personal characteristics.
This concept is inherent in wingnuttery.
VB says: “but he’s pure, solid, wonderful evil in the mold of Dick Cheney.”
So I’m confused here. VB admires Dick Cheney, but calls him evil. Does this mean that he admires Teh Evil? What about the fact that Dick Cheney denies he’s evil, and asserts his cuddly-bear-ness?
Does this mean that he admires Teh Evil?
I’ve been trying to figure this one out too, g. I think it’s something like during the Republican primary, when those talking heads were gushing about how Giuliani was a “mean daddy” father figure. Some sort of weird twisted authoritarian domination thing.
Iron Maiden? Crank it up!
It’s a good thing he didn’t study medicine, because he’d probably think House is a real doctor, and try to act like him.
… And then get beaten bloody by Hugh Laurie, the actor. With a second beating from the actor who plays Evil Nurse Brenda. And a final beating/golden shower from the actor who plays The Night Janitor Who Wears His Pants Backwards.
All of which No-Longer-Virgin Ben would enjoy a little *too* much.
They probably believe that 300 is a documentary
Like ‘1776’!
Oh, yes – idolizing Flagg but acting like Burns.
Well, it’s not like Flagg was exactly a bastion of competence…
“The wind just broke his leg.”
Well, it’s not like Flagg was exactly a bastion of competence…
No, but he didn’t come across as a whiny-ass baby the way Burns did.
And was crazily and cause-hinderingly wrong, at least as far as it went. Good example, Ben.
No, nuh-uh. Oh wait… was she a great big fat person?
i couldn’t really read any of that stuff over there on that insightful blog explaining about how evil hollywood is or something because all that truthiness in one place makes my eyes sting, but i did see the link to greg gutfield’s “OPEN” letter to henry rollins about how rollins is a total wuss. and it made me giggle a little bit and hope that mr. gutfield gets the opportunity to deliver his message in person.
His Grace said,
January 10, 2009 at 0:20
I don’t understand how popular shows like Lost (or movies like The Dark Knight) can be considered conservative, yet Hollywood is a bastion of evil liberalism bent on destroying America’s values.
Note to self: His Grace knows too much…
Just a question for Somervillains and residents of surrounding areas… isn’t that doorway in the picture right next to a small Planned Parenthood clinic in Davis Square?
Who is tintin?
Stephen “Tintin” Duffy of course.
“Wow I feel so fresh today.” I’d forgotten that line. Yuk yuk.
What makes Ben a virgin, besides the obvious hymen thingy?
Slaps Bubba around with a righteous eggplant.
The Virgin Ben.
I’m Mr. Answer Man this evening.
Ben is married now though; and yet still somehow virginal.
Who is tintin?
The blogist formerly known as ********** (see Sadly, No!’s “About” page).
[Edited by Tintin]
Tin Tin is the new robot panda made by China for sending around to foreign zoos. Many zoo officials have become suspicious ,however, when the instruction booklet for Tin Tin states that “Tin Tin does not need feeding and should not be left out in the rain.”
In keeping with the spirit of the thread subject, Pure Ben, Tin Tin cannot be used in breeding programmes
Rin Tin Tin, emm effers!1one11!!!
ben’s column suggests he’s found masturbatory material in the LOST male characters. material he doesn’t have to hide from his cover wife.
off track big time:
Bruce Springsteen: One-Hundred Percent Republican
God damn it that site is gold.
If I could interview any of those douche bags:
Knowingly spinning a load of rubbish without thinking twice: what does it feel like?
Catholic? How much do you admit to during weekly confession?
Sadly, we can even call Ben Gay. No heat.
can’t
damn this nostradamus beer
Springsteen the multimillionaire, rock star with the mansion in Beverly Hills may be a Liberal
Uh, Sadly No
The family lives in Rumson, New Jersey, and owns a horse farm in nearby Colts Neck
I went to high school in Rumson. Springsteen has always been involved in the communities of Monmouth County, NJ. Beverly Hills? That tired old place? Puh-lease! If Springsteen did have a place in LA, and I don’t doubt that he does, it would be in a way cooler community.
Has Evan Sayet ever read an interview with Springsteen? Just curious.
I am imagining Evan Sayet isn’t familiar with Beverly Hills, either, FWIW.
pisses me off my comments on that site no longer appear automatically. Ever since I insulted Gary Gorman, I’ve been toast over at Big Minds Hollywood.
Jesus, what a pathetic article. Even the commenters aren’t buying it.
I guess when Springsteen said “strap your hands across my engines” he was supporting the auto industry and American businesses.
Baby this town rips the bones from your back
Its a death trap, it’s a suicide rap
We gotta get out while were young
`cause tramps like us, baby we were born to run
This passage exhtols the virtues of hard work for young people, and praises the workings of free market capitalism.
yes susan, Republicans will be the first to call you right wing regardless of how you identify yourself, because they know you better than you know yourself. and they’re lonely.
I had a job, I had a girl
I had something going mister in this world
I got laid off down at the lumber yard
Our love went bad, times got hard
Now I work down at the carwash
Where all it ever does is rain
Don’t you feel like you’re a rider on a downbound train
…
My head pounding hard, up the stairs I climbed
The room was dark, our bed was empty
Then I heard that long whistle whine
And I dropped to my knees, hung my head and cried
Springsteen praises traditional marriage and warns of the tragedy of divorce.
Hey, is gocart mozart around? He might be able to tell us just how conservative Springsteen is.
Lesley–very, very lonely. Wetsuit lonely.
He’s checking out the weather chart, because he doesn’t believe in global warming.
Next up on Big minds Hollywood. Telegraph Road is proof Dire Straits/Mark Knopfler is Republican.
I imagine the Big Hollywooders might have looked at Danny Elfman, who is generally pretty conservative (made the “Top 50 Conservative Rock Songs” with Capitalism) – until they found out about this.
(I realize that having a song in the Top 50 Conservative songs means nothing about whether a singer is conservative or not, but I know Elfman has done stuff like pro-death-penalty songs, stuff like that. Plus a song about how awesome underage girls are, though he was singing [as he often did] as a “character” and not as himself.)
Well my daddy worked the furnaces
Kept ’em hotter than hell
I come home from ‘Nam worked my way to scarfer
A job that’d suit the devil as well
Taconite coke and limestone
Fed my children and make my pay
Them smokestacks reachin’ like the arms of God
Into a beautiful sky of soot and clay
Youngstown clearly shows how captains of industry, like John Galt, bring benefits to America’s small towns. Obviously, Springsteen is a Republican.
“Ben Shapiro’s Legal Consulting”? Are you kidding me?
Not “Ben Shapiro, Attorney at Law.” Not “Ben Shapiro Legal Services.” Friggin’ “Ben Shapiro Legal Consulting.
Which likely means that Ben will not/cannot represent you in your divorce, file your claim, appear in court, or even draw up your will. No, he will consult with you.
Possibly he recognizes his own level of competence, being only a year and half out of law school. Evidently he couldn’t even find a wingnut hack to show him how to you know, practice law.
I’d lay odds the guy’s going to end up as a political consultant with all the other unemployable wingnuts.
Listening to Deadwood soundtrack. http://www.deadwoodsoundtrack.com/
worth the money, though freely available on the Intertubes.
Republicans would call it Republican so you can count on it being the opposite.
pure, solid, wonderful evil in the mold of Dick Cheney
He actually said this. It really is all about pissing off liberals and nothing else, isn’t it? Silly child.
Why is this little freak still around? I thought his thing was being a college kid who was also a crazy, hateful piece of shit. Now that he’s no longer in college or a kid why bother keeping him around? Surely there are better right wing asshole writers.
But it’s so fun to watch him grow!
If he’s not actually practicing law, he didn’t pass the bar. Which would explain why he got a job but quickly lost it.
Just a guess.
Please, this is Bruce Springsteen the Poet/Philosopher he’s talking about. I mean, what liberal poet/philosopher would even think to sing about Bob’s Big Boy?
But it’s so fun to watch him grow!
He’s like an Evil Chia Pet!
I should have been more clear. He does belong to the California State Bar.
I just meant it in the more general sense that he likely doesn’t know how to perform the tasks for which one normally hires an attorney. He just “consults.” Plenty of experienced and competent attorneys consult on various issues, but I’ve never seen them advertise themselves this way.
Susan of Texas:
I actually got curious on what the term actually means, and came across this. Interesting.
I wonder if it would be possible for me, as a paralegal, to offer legal consulting. I can do research as well or better than VB, I imagine. I wouldn’t exactly be practising law – which is verboten – or would I? Hmmm . . .
plenty of lawyers aren’t practicing. can you think of a market for ben shapiro? i wouldn’t hire him to chase an ambulance.
here’s what i can’t figure about big hollywood, none of those people have ties to hollywood except gary gorman, a two bit actor who hasn’t had a decent role in forever.
Staffer/consultant for wingnut legislator. Incompetence not a problem.
Or a lobbyist.
Anyone still identifying with/supporting Bush conservatism may as well wear a banner that screams “mentally challenged/pity me”.
Uhm, is that “office” in the picture a Photoshop? [Tintin: yes.]
Because I’m pretty sure he’s operating out of his apartment.
g: I went to high school in Rumson
Serbia : Rumson :: Montenegro : Fair Haven.
Words of a person who isn’t a Republican
I would rather suffer in sweet silent solitude
Deathly defiant from drowning out
Filthy sounds stumbling ugly and crude
Between the lips of your beautiful mouth
Deep down within me words move in phrases
Frozen and still ‘til they decide
To melt and drip over the pagers
Until that moment they live inside
My words enjoy the feel of the paper
Better than mingling with your consonants
Once they get going they never waver
And they slip in between your if, ands, and buts
When my words are hiding between the lines
Then I’m afraid they won’t hear me call
What if they fail me without a sign
What if they hardly surface at all
Screaming and throwing your weight around
My words choose knowledge over politics
You can’t kill my words, they know no bounds
My words are strong and they don’t make me sick
They still remain my only companion
Loyal and true to the very end
They’ll never ever completely abandon
Ever give up the paper and the pen
– Lucinda Williams
Serbia : Rumson :: Montenegro : Fair Haven.
Ah, ’tis true. So what does that make Red Bank?
I was a transplant. I came to Rumson in September of my Senior year. I felt like a fucking Anthropologist studying a strange new culture. Of course, I came from Ohio suburbs, so maybe some New Jerseyan should have gone to my school, reciprocating, to study me.
He’s absolutely operating out of his apartment. Shit, the best part is that his “office” is about 2 minutes away from the other Walter Reed (middle school) from the RNC.
I’m thinking Ben’s wife brings home the bacon.
har dee har
http://www.benjaminshapiro.com/
And boy is he tough. In Season 2, he rips a bullet out of his shoulder with his bare hands. Ask Al Franken to do that.
/pounds_head_on_table
These folks are so twisted and gummed up on the romanticism of what a “real man” is, that they can’t even help themselves using a FICTIONAL CHARACTER as the basis for an ad hominem attack on and actual person whom they disagree with politically.
They really are pathetic little people.
Pure. Comedy. Gold.
Damn, I show up late & … the only clever thought I had was WTF: “Legal Consulting”. By the time I weasel my way to the bottom I see that the subject has been thoroughly considered, researched & dissected, by smart for sure dames Candy, Lesley & Susan & smart, assumed (& we all know from assumption) dame Zuzu’s Petals.
You girls all go!
cows, new dress, greg edmonson (Firefly)
Dame yes. Not as smart as the others, that’s for sure.
sadly, that’s just part of the song. a great one at that.
heh, malignant, I’m dumb as an ox compared to the lot of you but i’d still rather be me than the dipshits profiled in sadlyno.
Just to pile on over the Springsteen thing…Republicans have wanted to blow The Boss since Born In The USA came out and the Reagan campaign tried to use it (until he told them to stuff it).
I don’t think they ever did figure out it’s a protest song about what went wrong in America.
And the title track to Magic is all about Dickey Cheney. I’m guessing they didn’t listen to those lyrics either:
I got a shiny saw blade
All I needs’ a volunteer
I’ll cut you in half
While you’re smiling ear to ear
And the freedom that you sought’s
Driftin’ like a ghost amongst the trees
This is what will be, this is what will be
Now there’s a fire down below
But it’s comin’ up here
So leave everything you know
And carry only what you fear
On the road the sun is sinkin’ low
There’s bodies hangin’ in the trees
This is what will be, this is what will be
Does Michael Medved do TV criticking, or just movies? Because if it’s the former, then Virgin Ben’s got a real fight on his hands.
Pretty soon, Obama will be called a Republican.
Didn’t Obama’s election demonstrate that we are a center-right nation, whatever that is? Even though he’s a hard-left radical communist posing as a mere ultra-liberal or something?
Obama is bound to disappoint, but we expect the disappointment, know it’s coming, and yet, he is still better than the shit George.
Any Republican w/ half a brain (sadly, that remaining half still filled w/ failed ideologies, policies & non-policies) realizes their party is in deep dog-shit trouble in the short term, when/if it’s made clear (dreaming here, but…) that Bush et al. handed the Treasury keys to his fellow big biz oligarch buddies, while Rome was burning, & in the long term (but before ending up dead as, it was so wisely observed, we all do) demographically pretty much heading up Shit Creek, as the supply of square, wretched “Baby Boomers” is drying up, & de yout’ of
de future, mon, will be much more “urban” & Unreal American, as the rural redneck (read any code you’d like into that) part of the BBs passes as well as the aging ’60s types.
Shorter? Sure: Now they’ve more reason than ever to fight like weasels. Be ready for disappointment, but don’t necessarily blame our side if enough of the vocal whining majority convince enough to sway relatively narrow votes, or public opinion.
Ugly but fuctional.
Ha-ha. I typed “fuctional.”
Functional, ninny.
Guess who donated this portrait of Divine by David Hockney to the Carnegie Museum of Art in Pittsburgh.
He’s like an Evil Chia Pet!
Winner! Can we tag The Virgin Ben with this, as well? Evil Virgin Chia Ben? Hmmm. Needs work.
New Pseudonym!
I agree completely w/ my esteemed compatriot.
I’m trying to think of a TV character that if a liberal declared them a shining example of liberalism would make our liberal friend look as clueless as our conservative friend here.
So far the best that I can do is either Klinger from Mash or Larry from Three’s Company.
Pretty soon, Obama will be called a Republican.
Obama the politician may be a Democrat, but Obama the poet, Obama the philosopher is a Republican because poetry and philosophy are inherently conservative.
Except… wait. Sawyer loves books. Doesn’t that immediately disqualify him from the Republican ranks?
I’m amused that Virgin Ben missed the parts of the show wherein it’s revealed that Sawyer does all this stuff *because* he wants to be hated and knows the best way to do that is to be as big of a stereotypical asshole as possible.
Doesn’t that immediately disqualify him from the Republican ranks?
That or the fact that women (or gay men, I suppose) might actually want him. That totally gets him thrown out of the He-Man Women Haters’ club.
And boy is he tough. In Season 2, he rips a bullet out of his shoulder with his bare hands. Ask Al Franken to do that.
Uh, no Ben. Ask the character who plays Sawyer to do that in real life. Franken did challenge Rich Lowry to a fight though, and Lowry refused. Would you like to accept the challenge on Lowry’s behalf?
Pretty soon, Obama will be called a Republican.
Done:
http://shakespearessister.blogspot.com/2009/01/oops.html
If there was a Twerp Olympics, Ben Shapiro would be weighted down with Gold Medals.
I wonder if it would be possible for me, as a paralegal, to offer legal consulting. I can do research as well or better than VB, I imagine. I wouldn’t exactly be practising law – which is verboten – or would I? Hmmm . . .
Candy, I’m a paralegal too. Can’t offer legal advice, only an attorney can do that. However, quite often the advice is mine and the attorney passes it on to the client as his or her.
The only legal consultant I know of has 4 decades of experience and also runs seminars on the law. As well as an enormous number of friends and former students, coworkers and colleagues.
HTML’s late addition of Star Wars wingnuttery really deserves its own post. Nuggets like these shouldn’t be missed by people who missed the update:
Did someone call my name?
Few realise that the prophet Bruce foretold of the evils of Teh Hillary over 35 years ago. In this prophecy he sarcastically refers to her as “Mary” thus juxtaposing her as the antithesis of the blessed virgin. To be clear, not Ben but the Madonna. Not that Madonna but the original one and I don’t mean Cher.
MARY QUEEN OF ARKANSAS©
Mary queen of Arkansas, it’s not too early for dreamin’
The sky is grown with cloud seed sown and a bastard’s love can be redeeming
Mary, my queen, your soft hulk is reviving
No, you’re not too late to desecrate, the servants are just rising
Well I’m just a lonely acrobat, the livewire is my trade
I’ve been a shine boy for your acid brat and a wharf rat of your state
Mary, my queen, your blows for freedom are missing
Oh you’re not man enough for me to hate or woman enough for kissing
Oh the big top is for dreamers, we can take the circus all the way to the border
Oh and the gallows wait for martyrs whose papers are in order
But I was not born to live to die and you were not born for queenin’
Oh it’s not too late to infiltrate, the servants are just leavin’
Mary queen of Arkansas, your white skin is deceivin’
You wake and wait, ooh, to lie in bait and you almost got me believin’
But on your bed, Mary, I can see the shadow of a noose
Oh I don’t understand how you can hold me so tight and love me so damn loose
But I know a place where we can go Mary
Where I can get a good job and start out all over again clean
Oh I got contacts deep in Mexico where the servants have been seen
The update is extra cheeto flavoured icing on the cheeto cake (now with extra cheetos). Vader won’t call the bounty hunters by name because of social status issues and the head bounty hunter calls Han Solo “Captain” so this makes all that fascist blowing up planets and stuff, OK?
He really has to get out more, you know more than just to get cheetos.
Here is a linky thing for easy access to the Boss’s lyrics.
http://www.springsteenlyrics.com/lyrics/m/maryqueenofarkansas.php
“But viewed in context, these acts are less brutal than they initially appear”?
(Head palm.)
Please tell me that’s meant to be satire.
Link thing to make for easy lyric pastings.
http://www.springsteenlyrics.com/index.php
Not another Shapiro, Lost, 300, Springsteen, Star Wars thread. Don’t you guys EVER tire of those?
Let’s go through some movies in history and indentify the Republicans.
Dr. Strangelove : Gen. Jack D. Ripper (Sterling Hayden), Buck Turgidson (Geo. C. Scott), Dr. Strangelove (Peter Sellars)
Actually, just about the whole cast (except for the POTUS)
I suspect that Group Captain Mandrake wasn’t a Republican.
You guys at Sadly,No! are a tougher breed than me! You must have titanium nerves if you can read that stuff. All it ever does to me is make me all wound up that I can’t get at the guy who wrote it. Which is not too productive. Also, time seems to go faster and faster while I read it, and each fraction of a second wasted reading it seems like a lifetime.
You’re a better men than I am. Hat’s, glasses, jackets, shirts, pants, everything, off, to Sadly, No!
As for what would be the right market for Benjamin, well, if the Piggley Wiggley’s hiring…
Ben weighted down with gold medals.
Har, throw one on him, toss him in the east river and he’d sink.
I suspect that Group Captain Mandrake wasn’t a Republican.
Nor the Soviet Ambassador.
The only legal consultant I know of has 4 decades of experience and also runs seminars on the law. As well as an enormous number of friends and former students, coworkers and colleagues.
Susan, maybe Ben Shapiro thinks he is qualified to be a legal consultant because he stayed at a Holiday Inn Express.
I thought Phil Berg was America’s worst lawyer. Or… Orly Taitz. I think you may have jumped the gun bestowing the title.
Sus, Ben Shapiro is America’s worst inexperienced lawyer.