In Tribute to Debbie Daniel
Well, S.Z. held voting for the Low-Rent Ultimate Wingnut Contest today, and alas, it looks like Debbie Daniel will soon be kicked off the island.
While Debbie’s latest column is admittedly lackluster, we should remember that in her prime, Debbie could wingnut with the best of ’em. In honor of her fine contributions to wingnuttery over the last couple of years, here is a Debbie Daniel career retrospective.
Let’s go back to where it all began and read Debbie’s first column for GOPUSA:
I’ve been listening to both sides of this immigration issue and I’ve come to the conclusion that the only way to handle this problem is to line up every willing and able American, arm in arm, across our entire border and shoot to kill.
And with that unhinged expression of homicidal rage, a wingnut legend was born.
As time passed, Debbie developed her own unique style, acting more hysterical and upset with each column, and OFTEN WRITING ENTIRE SENTENCES IN BOLD CAPITAL LETTERS ENDING WITH FOUR EXCLAMATION POINTS!!!! While Debbie got upset about a lot of things, nothing tweaked her quite so much as criticism of her idol, George W. Bush. When Michael Moore released his controversial film Fahrenheit 9-11, which featured footage of Bush sitting idly in a Florida classroom while the World Trade Center burned, Debbie sprang to his defense:
Now the media wants us to believe the president spent 7 more minutes than he should have with the children at the elementary school in Florida on 9/11. You say something had to be wrong with “this man” that he would continue reading and not do anything.
Now who came up with that one? Someone just has to voice a thought like that, question the President’s motive, and it becomes world news.
Run George Run! Start shouting . . . do something! Stand up and start flailing your arms around and scream for everyone to duck and cover.
And here was her opinion of last Summer’s star-studded campaign fundraiser for John Kerry:
For a Presidential/Veep team that’s been touting “values” as the benchmark of their campaign, Mr. Kerry, you blew it. You did nothing to distance yourself at the time it happened. You patted everyone on the back for their fine performances of songs well sung and words well spoken. Songs calling Mr. Bush a “thug,” and words spoken with disdain against a man I thank God for everyday: my President, George W. Bush.
Debbie’s indignation with Bush-bashing reached its pinnacle last October after John Kerry bested the president in a nationally televised debate:
Someone asked me the next day what happened to “my guy” in the debate? I said, “Well I think he did exceptionally well considering he had been out all day tending to the needs of hurricane victims for the fourth time in Florida, and before his day got started, he was told of 38 children blown to pieces in Iraq.”
Poor George. Who knew that leading the most powerful country in the world could be so stressful?
Even with all the pundits calling it a victory “on style” for John Kerry, and “substance” for George Bush, I am learning that “style” is a nice way of saying, “Kerry has mastered the art of deceit.” I won’t be so nice . . . he’s mastered the art of lying.
Who the hell gave Bush points for substance? The only thing I remember from that debate was Bush saying “it’s hard work” over and over again (oh, and he also said something about Poland too… I dunno how I could have forgotten Poland).
It was obvious that Mr. Kerry and Jim Lehrer had colluded to hold their own “mock trial” in front of the world and were taking great pride in their effort to bring the President to his knees.
Yes, it’s obvious that Kerry and the media conspired to make Bush look like a complete moron in front of millions of viewers. They’re sneaky like that.
That was no debate; it was a presidential lynching. Jim Lehrer of PBS played the lawyer, and John Kerry, the “camouflaged chameleon,” acted as both judge and jury. And if you saw the “pleasured” look on Kerry’s face, he was out for the kill . . . and wanted to be the one to do it.
At first I told myself, “No, this couldn’t happen in America,” but my fellow citizens, you witnessed a “court trial and sentencing” of your own President.
“Judge” Kerry had already made up his mind about the verdict, so it was just a matter of enjoying himself for at least 90 minutes before he and Mr. Lehrer put the rope around the President’s neck, and both took the reins to slowly pull the horse out from under the President, delightfully awaiting the “hanging.”
So because Kerry was articulate and could effectively answer questions, he had a grossly unfair advantage over President Bush, who still has difficulty with shoes that aren’t equipped with velcro straps.
Once again we showed our ugly side to the world; and for those who want us dead, we gave them great joy in watching our great leader belittled.
And because the terrorists hate our free speech, we should just scrap debates all together.
We let our soldiers see their commander-in-chief reprimanded by a low grade Senator.
My God! If our soldiers ever think of Bush as anything less than a verile stud (in a purely heterosexual way, of course), they’ll completely lose the will to fight!
George W. Bush: “I’m sssssssssizzlin’!”
What causes me to tremble is the behavior of a man who has shown disdain for a position God ordained. It is perilous to his own well-being . . . not to speak of what he’s done to bring the country down. Mr. Kerry . . . if you had an ounce of decency in your heart, you would change your course of action immediately.
You may win the vote . . . but, sir, you will certainly lose your soul.
“Kerry, if you don’t intentionally blow this election, God will kick your ass!”
I don’t know how much longer God is going to put up with our foolishness. For anyone who truly believes George W. Bush was selected by the Supreme Court . . . think again. You just read . . . “for there is no authority except that which God has established.”
Think on these things.
Sure thing, Debbie- I think you’re a fricking lunatic.
Long story short, Bush eventually won the election, and Debbie was happy… for a time:
George Bush is a model we should all want to emulate, and if we can’t seem to follow in lock-step with him, I would at least encourage us to point out the leadership qualities in this man to our children.
So if Bush invades a country on false pretenses, then dammit, we should do the same! And if Bush chokes on a pretzel? Then by gum, we’re all gonna choke on pretzels!
There are multitudinous examples of valor and character. Oh, that we could raise a generation of “buffoons” just like George.
Uh, Debbie, have you looked at some of the young conservatives at Renew America? ‘Cause if they’re any indication, we’re already well on our way:
>
But Debbie’s post-election euphoria was short-lived, as the sad saga of Terri Schiavo made her go completely fucking nuts:
And even though I believe Terri knows exactly what’s going on…
…she has no option but to accept her fate. She uttered the words, “I wouldn’t want to live like that,” after watching an emotional movie of a person on life support, and now those words will send her to her grave; no chance of a retraction. We have to accept her at her word, and though she cannot speak in audible tones, we must believe that if she could speak we would hear her say, “Let me die, let me die.”
Well, if she could have spoken, she wouldn’t have been in a persistent vegetative state, and no one would have been able to pull the plug on her. That’s great reasoning, Debbie.
After Terri Schiavo died, Debbie got downright frightening, declaring a holy war on secular America:
“We the people, in order to form a more perfect union” . . . are getting restless and feel we are fighting an “insurgency” here in our own United States.
The “power to the people” crowd, of this great country, are about to mount a full fledged war here at home if Congress doesn’t get its act together. Oh, there won’t be bloodshed likened to Valley Forge or Gettysburg, but there’s a battle brewing nonetheless. We just might need to start over . . . perhaps another revolution.
And while Debbie’s call to form an al-Terri Martyrs’ Brigade was bizarre enough, her later columns got even weirder:
The American people elected George Bush twice to lead them, yet we still won’t let him take charge. Do you think Mr. Bush still listens to God? He’s accused of it daily, but if we truly believe he does, how can we argue with the decisions he makes?
Yes, who are we to question God if He wants a Central American free trade pact?
Are we listening to God — is He telling us something completely different? Or have we truly prayed about it? Have we prayed for our President?
Well, I pray that he doesn’t get us all killed, but other than that, no.
If we don’t lift George Bush up in prayer — thus causing him to fail — America loses!
“Oh Lord, please allow thine chosen leader to safely chew his sacred pretzels, and Lord, please protecth the President when he falleth off his bike…”
Now that’s quality wingnuttery! Thank you, Debbie. You’ve given us many a fond memory.
Wow.
What must these people be like in person? I’m guessing a lot of eye twitching and scratching.
“What must these people be like in person? I’m guessing a lot of eye twitching and scratching.”
Debbie already answered your question –
“What causes me to tremble is the behavior of a man who has shown disdain for a position God ordained.”
Trembling. Scratching seems right, too.
You know I just can’t get out of my mind that video of God’s Chosen One On Earth picking his nose at a Rangers game.
Who’s the gent with the walrus mustache?
As a diehard GOPer, she oughta know by know that Cheney is God’s Chosen One. Sheesh.
That mustache dude is Warren Todd Huston. His columns normally aren’t very funny though 🙁
Damn! Such a great look. It’s like a huge drawn-on frowny-face…
Debbie’s a true believer, one of those scary girls who laughs at inappropriate times and mutters about how “things will be different when Jesus comes back and sees what you’ve done to the place”. I suspect that while she is in dire need of a screaming orgasm to relax her for a couple of hours, the only man she can fantasize about is also the Son of Gawd! Must be tough to come while your praying.
Debbie is scary and funny. You did a great job in that debate sequence . . . indeed, besting the President in a fair debate in a time of WAR!!!! is treasonous. Kerry should have used his time for rebuttal only to say, “You’re right, Mr. President.” Let me amend that: running for election against a sitting (WAR!!!!) president is itself an act of treason. We should have suspended the 2004 election so as not to expose our weakness before the world; for, if the world were to see us in the process of questioning the president’s authority (what else, after all, is an election?), the terrorists would win.If this country were honoring its 216-year-old promise (in the form of the Constitution) to create God’s kingdom on Earth, Kerry (the lowly senator who dragged the Bush-Christ into the mud with his “facts” and “figures” and command of current events) would have fallen down apoplectic on that stage, victim of a debilitating stroke, and Bush would have been borne off triumphant by God’s own magical dolphins in a hail of laurels and Congressional Medals of Honor. But sadly, no, that didn’t happen. Because of us rotten, corrupt, un-American heathens.
the only man she can fantasize about is also the Son of Gawd!
You’re talking about Bush, right?
Geroge, Jesus; same thing.
Who is the guy in the top row on the *snicker* far left? The guy on the bottom row on the *snerk* far left? Both are cute and I’d gladly do them, if you know what I mean and I’m sure you do. Of course, they wouldn’t be allowed to talk beyond “Oh baby, YESSSSSS! just like that!” but still.
Jim-
You’d do JUDSON COX???!!!
Boy, you got some serious, SERIOUS issues…
Here, read this column he wrote, called “The Destructive Nature of Homosexuality.” If that don’t turn you off… well, you need to be locked up 😉
[psst! secret evil plan! someone with photoshop email me please!]
Maybe Jim was thinking of it being more like a grudge fuck?
Thorlac-
I think Jim just didn’t know about Judson. At any rate, I hope reading that column sets him… well, not straight, but I hope it sets him something.
Yes indeed, quality wingnuttery!
Forgive me for being an “Attentionslut”, but here’s my musical tribute to Debbie Daniel (which appeared on “World O’Crap” many months ago), sung to “Look At Me, I’m Sandra Dee” from “Grease”:
Look at me, I’m Debra D./
Bursting with insanity/
Cover my ear/ no I don’t want to hear/
About reality!/
Watch out, hey,/ the things I say/
Scare my neighbors all away/
They say I’m nuts,/
But they’d best watch their butts/
When comes the judgement day!/
I don’t drink, I don’t swear/
Or own thong underwear/
I get ill when I see my own breast./
Don’t you dare defame our Dear Leader’s name-/
Don’t you know that George Bush knows what’s best?/
As for you, Phil Donahue/
and all the other liberals too-/
I’ll feel just swell when you all burn in hell/
That’s what faith means to me!
Sorry about all the /’s. The “preview” showed that as a single paragraph.
Bill, that’s really, really good.
I hope Jim reconsiders Judson too. Many times I’ve found somebody cute until they, y’know, talk and reveal what’s in their head. (I have a feeling that’s the REAL reason Ben Shapiro is still a virgin.)
Thank you, Brad. (Jim, if you got around to reading the column by Judson Cox, you’re probably now thinking, “How can a guy with a name that sounds so much like a gay porn star be so homophobic? Oh, I think I just answered my own question.”)
I think Kaye Grogan ghost-wrote the post-Schiavo piece. All the extranious grammar and conversational kookiness are there. It’s like a fingerprint.
In fairness, I think Debbie was the right elimination for the Wo’C contest. She is the low-rent wingnuts low-rent wingnut. I believe even ‘ole Kaye reads Debbie’s columns and sighs in disgust. She’s a one-trick pony with her “Bush the Redeamer” schtick. Sure, she uses it a lot and with as much hyperbole as one could imagine, but c’mon, interment camps? Yoga prayers? Ricky Martin?!? How is she supposed to compete with that?
Hemlock Echo’s right. Debbie D clearly had to go at W ‘o C. Sure, this retrospective is quite wingnutty, but if ya did a similar one for Kaye or Pastor Swank, well, my God, the mind boggles. She might have had a fighting chance against Debbie Schlussel, but that’s debatable.
Still, I liked Debbie D’s debate commentary. The debate as Debbie D would have liked it: John Kerry-“Good point, Mr. President! What a fool I am for running against God’s own chosen candidate! May I spit-shine your shoes using my tie?”
Uncritical idolatry is never a sign of a towering intellect.
Yep, I’d still do Judson Cox if I saw him at a bathouse. He *is* after all, one of the Hottest Young Conservatives on the Web (sorry, Yosef) and he’s very much my type. When I’m on the prowl, I don’t have political litmus tests, just whip it out, keep your cake hole shut and let me get busy; my sex drive is very catholic, as it were. Now Justin Darr, I’d rather have my eyes poked out with a sharp stick.So who’s the hottie with his finger on his chin?
Jim, you’re beyond anyone’s power to help.
The second hottie is Selwyn Duke. He’s supposedly a “tennis professional.”
Granted, S.Z. caught Debbie on an off day (she wrote about Jane Fonda, which is basically an admission that you’re mailing it in). However, she was up against both Kaye, Grogan and Pastor Swank, so even if she had brought her “A” game it still might not have been enough.
Ilike the simple beauty of her solution to immigration — kill all the people beyond our borders.
Yep. That’s do it.
Ooh, I just loooooove it when the wingnuts go on about homosexuality being “impossible to pass on as a hereditary trait” when they don’t even believe in evolution in the first place. Guys like Judson Cox invariably believe that life was created by God six thousand years ago, and that “species” don’t exist, but “kinds” do.
“Cognitive dissonance” as a phrase just doesn’t do that level of schizophrenia justice. I don’t think there’s a phrase in English that does.
I hate to be picky but contrary to Debbie’s comment, I don’t think any blood was actually shed at Valley Forge. It was Washington’s Winter HQs and they suffered through an AWFUL few months there, but it wasn’t a battle. But then, that’d require Debbie to actually know the history of the country she claims to worship beyond a 3d grade level.
To be fair, Bill S., I would probably get ill if I saw Debbie’s breast, too. Why must you fill my head with all these grotesque images??
Jim, you have a much, much stronger libido/stomach than I.
My god! That facial hair would have been considered comical in 1855. Dickensian heroes with huge muttonchops would laugh at him openly on the streets.
You know, I can’t actually come up with something more wingnutty than LITERALLY claiming Bush has a direct line to god and fantasizing about rising up and dying gloriously in the fight against Heathen Liberals, with a cry of “Dubya Ackbar and Save Terri!”
Do these people live in an alternate universe or something?
This woman read too much of this crap when she was a kid, hunh?
Psst, hey! Open thread above = very boring. Yosef and Amber Pawlik are arguing about Seb’s ‘dpo’ like they always do every single time.
Just passing through.
I’ll tell you what these people are like in person. The other day, I was shopping at a big-box store (not Wal-Mart, of course) in a presumably Blue State suburb and went to use the ladies’ room. There a woman was changing her infant daughter’s diaper. The baby smiled at me (an unwise move, undoubtedly), and I stopped to admire her.
“You have a lovely baby,” I said to the mother.
She glanced at me, and said nothing.
I repeated, “You have a lovely baby.”
The woman looked at an older woman, whom I took to be her mother, and hissed, “She’s not saved.”
Only then I noticed that mother and daughter were wearing big honking crosses around their necks; I wear a Star of David, which was hanging outside my dress at the time. The grandmother moved the shopping cart containing two toddlers away from me–before I could suck out their blood and use it to make matzah, she must have thought.
A shopping trip ruined.
What loving, Christian people Mrs. Biscuitbarrel has described to us.
Debbie Daniel
to me
May 4
Oh yeah, many more so I can keep folks like you entertained. What greater calling in life!
Glad you liked it.
Debbie
“He *is* after all, one of the Hottest Young Conservatives on the Web (sorry, Yosef)…”
Careful there. Judson Cox is my arch-nemesis.
Oh, BTW, Lucy-your post up toward the top was faboo! I particularly liked this bit:
Bush would have been borne off triumphant by God’s own magical dolphins[…]
A-heh-heh-heh!
Personally, I think Warner Todd Huston is WAY hot!
We’re Doomed
Via Matthew Yglesias, we find this deeply disturbing post from Seb’s best bud David Frum about Bush’s latest Supreme Court pick, Harriet Miers: In the White House that hero worshipped the president, Miers was distinguished by the intensity of her…