Alan Keyes must have spiked the water at Renew America with LSD, because his pundits are extra, extra kooky this week. Let’s take a look, starting with…

Nathan Tabor!

Nathan writes about the horrific practice of human trafficking, where people are kidnapped and made to work as sex slaves and/or forced laborers. This is a serious problem that demands a serious solution- a solution that won’t be found in Nathan’s column:

What fans the flames of this wildfire of sex slavery and child sex abuse? I personally think it’s the combined influence of the American entertainment and pornography industries.

Yes, it was only after Janet Jackson flashed her nipple to the world that some guy in Saudi Arabia said, “Hey, I think I’ll kidnap some children and pimp them out to perverted sheiks! Bless you, Janet! Nipple akbar!”

We judge drug traffickers, and especially so-called kingpins, deserving of more severe criminal punishment than casual drug users precisely because their personal greed produces so many human victims. We used to take the same approach toward pornographers, before some misguided “free speech” zealots distorted the original meaning of the First Amendment.

It’s time we come back to common sense before more irreversible damage is done to countless human lives. If that means “censorship” of Hollywood movies ? and stiff prison sentences and heavy fines for those who appear in, produce and distribute hard-core pornography ? so be it.

So instead of going after the people who are actually selling children into slavery, we should go after the real cuplrits: women who show their boobs on camera. It may not end human trafficking, but it does mean a bunch of sluts will be thrown in jail, which is almost as good.

Our next drug-addled pundit is none other than Renew America’s resident glue-huffer, Kaye Grogan!

This week, Kaye writes about… uhm… well, as usual, she’s got a lot on her mind. Let’s look at a choice excerpt:

On the one hand, Hillary Clinton is blasting President Bush for not taking securing our borders seriously, while husband Bill, who might (God forbid) – become the first-husband of the country, is singing the praises of keeping our borders lax. Are these two even on the same planet?

It is abundantly clear that the economy is more important to many people above securing our borders. How are you going to spend your money from bomb shelters or draw your money out of (leveled to the ground) banks?

Well, since most of us will be radioactive flesh-eating zombies, it won’t matter that there aren’t any banks because the official currency will be BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAINS!!!!! Really, Kaye, you gotta think outside the box sometimes.

Democrats and Republican alike ? YOU have allowed the security of this country to be compromised. You wanted the country to be diversified, saturated with foreigners, pretending it was for our best interest. How can you say it is in our best interest to be threatened on a daily basis to be blown to smithereens?

I love how Kaye lives in rural Virginia, but still feels threatened (on a daily basis, no less!) by shady foreigners who want to blown her to smithereens. If there’s a better example of Karl Rove’s dream voter, I haven’t seen it.

NO ? this is not a small price to pay for a booming economy. Unless you guys have found out a way for everybody to come back from the dead ? what good is a booming economy?

Again, I refer you to the flesh-eating zombie scenario.

Instead of programing your brains to attack one another in the chamber of congress ? you’d be better off to get serious (I’m talking dead serious here) ? and get on with protecting this country against terrorist attacks.

Yes, politicians are like cyborgs- you create them to make your life easier, but they eventually reprogram their brains and become evil:

Above: Senator T-800 (D, CA) sez: “I’ll make sure this anti-terror legislation doesn’t make it out of committee! Crush! Kill! Destroy!”

If there are (as reported) at least two smuggled nuclear weapons already in the United States built with the deadly compounds of Plutonium and Uranium ? somebody had better get on the ball and find them ASAP!

And if Kaye doesn’t stop reading crackpot reports in WorldNetDaily while huffing rubber cement, she’s gonna end up in a straightjacket… ASAP!

Next up, we have Selwyn Duke, who has a rather… interesting… view of our legal system:

In a nutshell, a law by definition is the removal of a freedom because it states that there’s something you must or must not do. Thus, the more laws we have the less free we are. And every year in our nation we enact a multitude more laws while rescinding hardly any. This means that as time marches forward we become progressively less free.

Of course, most laws are enacted to stop others from violating our rights, but whatever- I think Selwyn’s theory makes sense.

On a related note, I have been alive for roughly 788,400,000 seconds. In not one of those seconds have I ever died. Therefore, the chances that I’ll ever die are even less that 1 in 788,400,000- pretty damn good odds, if you ask me! And every extra year I live, my chances of dying become less and less- by the time I’m 40, my odds of dying will be less than 1 in 1.26 billion!

Our next writer is new to Sadly, No!, so make sure to be extra nice. Ladies, gentlemen and Yosef, making her S,N! debut… Judie Brown!

It is becoming increasingly clear to me that I’m out of step with the rest of the world. And boy, am I glad! It’s not just me, either. Everyone who fully embraces a pro-life style of thinking, in fact, has absolutely nothing in common with those arbiters of popular culture who espouse a philosophy of personal pleasure above all else.

Yes, people who embrace the pro-life style of thinking hold a different philosophy: “Eat, drink and be merry, and God will kick your ass.”

How are pro-lifers out of step? Well, pro-life people welcome babies. We avoid all manner of birth control. We make a point of telling people, every chance we get, that many of the most commonly used methods of birth control occasionally result in the death of preborn children.

“We also tell them to stop listening to that darned ‘rock’n’roll’ they seem to be into. Oh, and we tell them to tuck in their shirts too. I can’t figure out why they don’t appreciate us more.”

Without the healthy birth rates of various immigrant populations, the United States would be shrinking. That’s because, as the other headline notes, business is booming at family planning clinics, where thousands of Americans are seeking ways to avoid bearing (or carrying) children.

Yes, it’d be much better to have extremely high birth rates, thus forcing mothers to stay at home while their husbands work. Of course, the loss of extra income from the wife makes it more likely that the family won’t be able to afford quality health care, leading to even higher American infant mortality rates. But it’s OK that more babies will die, since that’s God’s doing and not Planned Parenthood’s.

“Family planning clinics” are portrayed as noble ventures, but in reality they are professional establishments operated by people who buy into the Planned Parenthood mentality, which relies heavily on the theory that only “wanted” children are a blessing.

Yes, every woman should feel blessed to have thirteen children she can’t afford to feed.

And finally, here’s another newcomer to Sadly, No!, Deanna Spingola!

The ultimate destruction of the American family, the basic unit of our society, is the prevailing goal of the satanic socialist agenda.

Y’know, I’ve met a few Satanists in my day (I used to go sailing in Salem every now and then), and I don’t think any of them held a belief system remotely close to socialism- if anything, they were hyperactive Randians who put their own gratification above the good of others.

Anyway, Deanna goes on to blame Gloria Steinem (and feminism in general) for the destruction of the American family. She concludes that the world was better when women knew their place:

Gender equality isn’t probable nor is it desirable. In a friendly atmosphere, each gender has harmonious, desirable characteristics, values and purpose. When not coerced to face off against each other, gender compatibility is both proper and beneficial, personally and culturally. Both genders are necessary to provide balance and example in an ever increasing unbalanced society.

In other words, the world would be more harmonious if women did what they were told.

Well, that’s all the Renew America I can take for one evening. Right now, I feel like Homer Simpson’s helper monkey Mojo after he ate twelve boxes of donuts-in other words, I’m not doin’ so hot. Until we meet again… “Pray. For. Brad R.”