When I Was 25… I Read Some Pretty Good Rants…
Because I hate you all, here’s Brian Cherry’s latest column:
Whenever an American Soldier Loses His Life a Liberal Gets His Wings
There are a few laws that govern life. For example, if you drop Al Franken from the Sears Tower in Chicago, gravity will drive him into the pavement at a rate of thirty two feet per second.
We’re one line into the op-ed, and Brian’s already fantasizing about murder. You get the feeling this isn’t going to be a very uplifting column.
A diet of fudge, pixy sticks and Schlitz will eventually result in a sensation not unlike indigestion, and some shooting pains in your left arm.
And if anyone’s an expert on wolfing down fudge and pixies sticks, it’s Brian:
If you are going to be a passenger in Ted Kennedy’s car, wear water wings. Last but not least, a law of nature is that liberals hate the military and all who serve in it.
I’d always kinda liked my friend in the Air Force, but if the author of BloodEagle: A Story of Vikings in America says I hate him, I guess I do.
Asking a liberal to appreciate what the military has meant to this country is akin to asking a sloth to appreciate the branches that keep it high above the predators. For the sloth to value the contribution the branches make to its security it would require the ability to recognize a pattern. Liberals are handicapped in the area of pattern recognition.
Not true. I recognize that The Rant has a pattern of publishing poorly-written, ill-informed editorials written by people who look like they’ve been detained by the government for the last seven years to be used as test subjects for experimental drugs.
Most liberals start every speech with the words, “We support the troops.” First of all, if they actually did support our soldiers they wouldn’t feel the need to keep reminding us how much they “support” the efforts of our young men and women in uniform.
Yes, and because the USO is selling “Support Our Troops” wristbands, they must really hate the military.
Anyway, Brian concludes his column by saying that the recent spike in U.S. military deaths in Iraq is actually the fault of Dick Durbin and Newsweek:
According to CNN, the months following the November, 2004 military offensive in Fallujah saw a drop in American combat deaths. From January, 2004 to the end of November, 2004, an average of 60 American soldiers per month died as a result of clashes with terrorists in Iraq. After the November Fallujah offensive, the number of combat deaths of American military personnel showed a steady decline (55 in January, 41 in February, 31 in March and 44 in April). The average dropped to 43 per month. May and June saw an increase in battle fatalities. The number jumped from the average of 43 to 69 for May and 67 in June. This increase in battlefield deaths coincides with the Newsweek story and the comments by Senator Durbin.
Let’s take a look at this USA Today article posted at The Marine Corps Times:
Despite the dismantling of insurgent strongholds in cities such as Fallujah and Ramadi during the past year, the monthly U.S. death tolls increased from 36 in March to 52 in April to 80 in May, according to a USA Today analysis of Defense Department data.
One key factor is that insurgents, driven out of bases of operation, may be turning to car bombs as a way to inflict the highest number of casualties with the smallest amount of resources.
“They’ve gone to more spectacular systems that could inflict more casualties per attack, likely because they can’t sustain a high volume of attacks,” Air Force Brig Gen. Donald Alston, the chief U.S. military spokesman in Iraq, said at a news conference Thursday. […]
The enemy takes time to regroup and shift tactics, ramping up from makeshift roadside bombs to car bombs and other suicide attacks, said Maj. Gen. William Webster, commander of U.S. troops in Baghdad.
A year ago, insurgents began using more roadside bombs ? known as improvised explosive devices, or IEDs ? when they lost battles in Najaf and Fallujah to U.S. troops, he said.
Please, General Webster, spare us your pedantic talk of “shifting tactics”- we all know the insurgents would have stopped by now had Dick Durbin kept his mouth shut about detainees being chained to the floor until they shit their pants.
I’d just like to note that if you were to drop Al Franken from the Sears Tower, gravity would most certianly NOT drive him into the ground at 32 feet per second.
At the end of one second, Al would, for all practical considerations, already be traveling at 32 feet per second. Gravity on earth causes acceleration at the rate of 32 feet per second per second. That is, the longer the time of falling (or the greater the distance to fall), the faster the falling object will be traveling at a given time. Assuming a height of 1450 feet, and ignoring the effects of wind resistance, etc., Mr. Franken would in fact be falling at a speed of around 290 feet per second.
How can a series of numbers– 55, 41, 31, and 44 — be called a steady decline? Of course, that sort of logic explains why we have a deficit. Or less than half the troops that our generals said we needed to secure Iraq.
Also, maybe it wasn’t Dick Durbin. In April, baseball began enforcing its steroids policy. Coincidence? Maybe banning The Cream and The Clear emboldened the terrorists?
bob, the staff of the Rant laughs at your so-called knowledge of “physics.” Gravitational acceleration is so complicated that it must have been created by an intelligent designer. Let’s just leave it at that.
B-b-b-but I thought saying “I support the troops,” perhaps by affixing a magnet to the rear end of one’s Hummer, was sufficient to magically reduce the number of casualties! How can it be that when someone on the “left” says it, it causes insurgents to succeed?
There’s a lot I don’t understand about science. However, Bob just barely beat me to the 32 ft ps/ps thing.
How can a series of numbers– 55, 41, 31, and 44 — be called a steady decline?
Not to mention the fact that combat deaths in November/December were much higher than normal BECAUSE THE TROOPS WERE ASSAULTING FALLUJAH.
Last but not least, a law of nature is that liberals hate the military and all who serve in it.
It’s true, it’s true (even if no liberal has ever actually said this in seriousness — it’s true if Brian Cherry types it enough). I therefore hate every man in my family (every man in my family has served in the military, and since they’re pinko commie librul traitors they all are not in favor of Operation Enduring Clusterfuck).
Maybe the wingnuts have added the laws of gravity to evolution as something they don’t want to understand.
By the way, have you seen this wingnuttery site: NewsWithViews? All your old favorites with some new ones I haven’t seen before, like Devvy Kidd – the Dynamic Redhead and Frosty Woodridge – the Bicycling Paul Revere. Enjoy!
Ew. Brian Cherry looks like a cross between Toby Keith and the Comic Book Guy from the Simpsons.
ex-amblongus, they have: see The Final Theory at amazon.com.
I love his “book”…PublishAmerica is like 1.5 millimeters above self-publishing.
Facts? We don’t need no stinking facts! If the Right can make stuff up, we can, too.
So, if you dropped a fat, ugly, probably politically and mentally challenged Brian Cherry off the Sears tower(and you’d need a couple of men and a boy – not Republicans, certainly, to lift all that manure) he wouldn’t hit the ground at all. Hot air rises. Hoo boy! An oldie but goodie!
Hey Brian, don’t mess up one of your good(?) diatribes with facts. Nice to see Encyclopedias are being outsourced to the likes of such mental Giants as Malkin, Limbaugh, O’Reilly, Bush…to name too few. Guess he doesn’t know how to use google, probably can’t program a VCR, but maybe he can ride a bike better than his hero.
I had a wingnut, Republican loving vet tell me that the number of deaths of servicemen and women in Iraq was less than the number that would have been killed in traffic accidents if they’d stayed here in the US.
He was impervious to logic.
Whenever an American Soldier Loses His Life a Liberal Gets His Wings
Holy shit, we get wings? How is it that I don’t have any… Is it because not enough soldiers have died? Damn!
What a fucktard.
In the words of Homer Simpson:
“Facts! (scoff) You can use facts to prove anything that even remotely true.”
“How can it be that when someone on the “left” says it, it causes insurgents to succeed”
Reverse polarity, I guess.
Good-bye!
Liberals kill troops because liberals am from Bizzaro-world, where everything am backward, and we not able to conjugate verb ‘to be’.
Anyway, when Liberals say “support our troops” it really means “We like terrorists”, and when we say “We like terrorists” it really mean… well, it still mean “We like terrorists”. Bizzaro translation not exact science.
Hello.
I haven’t gotten my wings or my Democrat-speak decoder ring. Gimme ‘um.
According to this site it would be 250/second, and if were to dawn skydiving apparel or curl up in a ball he might be able to increase it some.
Dear Brian Cherry,
What about liberals in the military? They do exist, you know.
And maybe we keep saying that we support the troops because ASSHOLES LIKE YOU KEEP INSISTING THAT WE DON’T.
No love,
me
We all know Brian Cherry,
His wingnuttia was oh so vary–
But when it came to logic and thought,
His writings were easily brought
To the same reality of a Shakepearean fairy
“So, if you dropped a fat, ugly, probably politically and mentally challenged Brian Cherry off the Sears tower(and you’d need a couple of men and a boy – not Republicans, certainly, to lift all that manure) he wouldn’t hit the ground at all. Hot air rises. Hoo boy! An oldie but goodie!”
Or, slightly ripped off from Hitchhikers,
Q. How much damage would it cause to drop Brian Cherry out of the Sears Tower?
A. None at all.
Toby Keith and Comic Book guy for sure, but constipated. He looks like he hasn’t “moved it along” in a week. IS this a personal attack? No, it is an observation that might explain his comments. For example, akin to the Doughy in Jonah’s Pantload, this gentleman’s fecal production has backed up into his head. It has got to go somewhere.
Hard though this may be for you kids to believe, ol’ Brian doesn’t have a comments section and his email address doesn’t work either. It is, therefore, quite impossible to make him aware of any logical objections to his thinking.
No ivory towered snobbery for this boy. HIs own intellectual outhouse will do nicely as he’s taught the flies to hum patriotic tunes.
Brian doesn’t have a comments section and his email address doesn’t work either
*dies from shock*
Ah, but does he have a SiteMeter or similar? ;-P
As a liberal veteran, I feel the same sense of self-loathing that gay Republicans must feel. I’m so ashamed.
How old is this asshole? Shouldn’t he be in Iraq?
Let’s get OPERATION YELLOW ELEPHANT on the case!
This schmoe’s a highschool teacher!
Good thing he doesn’t teach physics.
Unfortunately, though, he does teach history. I can only imagine….
Actually his e-mail does work. The link is just a bit mashed up.
I sent the following:
“You really ought to check out the comments over at SadlyNo. They are trashing the heck out of you.
Go defend yourself Brian!”
Brian replied (from bcherry68@yahoo.com) with this:
“Thanks for the warning, but there really is no point.
I am not overly with this site, but if they are
trashing me, I have upset them I can only assume they
are liberal. If they are mad I have succeeded.
The only hole in my column is the inside joke I put
into the first line. That was put there to get a
chuckle out of a very small number of people.
Let them do what liberals do best, insult and malign
with no purpose. This should be a good reminder to
you of why Conservatives are the top of the food
chain.”
For what it is worth.
Ha!!
Let them do what liberals do best, insult and malign with no purpose.
Mmm. Sounds like a plan. Hey Brian, looks like someone spilled a huge pitcher of Molly Hatchet all over you. Chortle, snuck, haw!
This should be a good reminder to
you of why Conservatives are the top of the food
chain.
Always thinking about food, that Brian Cherry.
Man, that rush to fill the Dennis Miller unfunny collaborator vacuum is kinda fierce, huh.
Yeah, well, we can’t keep trolls around here. One will drop by, and the next thing you know, he’s running screaming from the building covered in pitch and goose feathers.
So that’s something missing from the full, deluxe blog experience here, yeah, certainly.
I think Cherry has a shot at being the replacement monkey for the replacement Dennis Miller show……..
This is why I hate SN! It is getting very expensive to replace my irony meter every few days.
I read that Cherry email posted by Seattle Slough and watched as my irony meter exploded. So, Cherry pit, what was all that invective in your article? You shur have a purdy mouth.
Ah do hava purty mouth, don’ I? Why jes the other day, ah wuz…
Heeey, waidaminnit! That’s homo talk! Graah! Ah’m angry! Woo! Woo! Huck, snaw!
This is long. Long long long. I couldn’t resist; I had to respond to our very Cherry editorialist, and thought perhaps you’d like to see what I sent him:
Dear Mr. Cherry:
1. I’m glad you’re a history teacher; your physics sucks.
2. Gee, I hate my father? So good of you to let me know.
3. Who cut the pay of servicemen? As I recall, after GHW Bush cut force strength, the Republican Congress during Clinton’s administration fiddled with military pay. Ditto re intelligence. Oh. Yeah. But you’re a history teacher. You would know that. So since Clinton signed the bill, he’s the one who’s actually responsible. Uh huh. Although I seem to recall some vetoes being overridden, too.
4. North Korea wouldn’t be such a mess if Bolton hadn’t been such an unauthorized dickhead. And wait! I thought it was China who Clinton gave away all our nuclear secrets to. That N. Korea got its nookyoulur stuff from Pakistan. Ooooo, I am so confused. (Ah, a normal state for a liberal, yes.) I would be much more concerned for the teens of Michigan if the history you were teaching depended in any way on a knowledge of modern political history.
5. Your reportage of Newsweek article is wrong. One point in that article was incorrect, and a correction of that point was made. The remainder of the article still stands.
6. You misrepresent Senator Durbin’s speech. Senator Durbin did not compare our American servicepeople to anyone or anything. May I suggest that you re-read said speech, perhaps a few times, to better improve your comprehension. (Your biography states that you are a writer; I’m sure you realize that it is imperative for a professional writer’s reading comprehension to be excellent and impartial.)
7. Darlin’, it’s quite obvious that you wouldn’t recognize cause and effect if it laid down a clear pattern, with charts, databases and 3D CGI:
Despite the dismantling of insurgent strongholds in cities such as Fallujah and Ramadi during the past year, the monthly U.S. death tolls increased from 36 in March to 52 in April to 80 in May, according to a USA Today analysis of Defense Department data.
One key factor is that insurgents, driven out of bases of operation, may be turning to car bombs as a way to inflict the highest number of casualties with the smallest amount of resources.
“They’ve gone to more spectacular systems that could inflict more casualties per attack, likely because they can’t sustain a high volume of attacks,” Air Force Brig Gen. Donald Alston, the chief U.S. military spokesman in Iraq, said at a news conference Thursday. […]
The enemy takes time to regroup and shift tactics, ramping up from makeshift roadside bombs to car bombs and other suicide attacks, said Maj. Gen. William Webster, commander of U.S. troops in Baghdad.[…]
Car bomb attacks also increase and decrease, depending on insurgents? activity. November saw 105 car bombs, according to U.S. military figures. That number fell to 52 in January before rising to 55 in February and 59 in March. Car bombs jumped again to 135 in April and 140 in May ? the most per month in the war ? before dropping off again in June.
6. Where are my wings? I haven’t gotten any wings!
Ostensibly yours,
moi
I think brian may want to eat us.
scatter!!
After this they will complain, at length, about Halliburton, then go and fantasize about sticking American soldiers with hat pins.
Can this guy read my mind or what? I was just fantasizing about hatpins and Halliburton earlier today! Spooky, dude!
Whoa — do you think he picked up my fantasy about NotJenna and those ionic hair tweezers from the late night infomercials too?
Hat pins?
Yeah, try and find those anymore. I just take my GI Joes in the Humvee and go vrumm-vrumm, “Hey, here we are in Iraq! Any enemy action here?”
“No, Joe, the coast is clear.”
“Oh good, I’m on the lookout for enemies.”
Vrumm-vrumm.
“Hey Joe, watch out for that improvised explosive device!”
BOOM! Ba-ROOM! BLAM!
[shakes humvee, figures fly in air]
“Aaah!”
“Aaah!”
“I’m on fire!”
“Everything is ruined!”
“Retreat!”
“The USA is stinky and sucks and is gay!”
“You said it!”
If you are going to be a passenger in Ted Kennedy’s car, wear water wings.
Wow, don’t you love it when the Right brings out the shiny, original, never-before-heard-the-like Ted Kennedy jokes? Really tells you that this Cherry is one conservative who is on the ball!
Most liberals start every speech with the words, “We support the troops.” First of all, if they actually did support our soldiers they wouldn’t feel the need to keep reminding us how much they “support” the efforts of our young men and women in uniform.
Thanks for telling us what all those magnet “support the troops” ribbons really mean, Cherry.
The number jumped from the average of 43 to 69 for May and 67 in June. This increase in battlefield deaths coincides with the Newsweek story and the comments by Senator Durbin.
It also coincides with my sister’s birthday, the reappearance of the Mister Softee ice cream truck, and the beginning of summer vacation for U.S. college students. But we don’t hear anyone blaming those events for the increase in casualities, do we? Ah, well. I wouldn’t expect someone who clearly doesn’t understand physics or math to understand the difference between correlation and causality.
Personally, I believe the increased violence is due to all the excitement surrounding the upcoming release of the new Harry Potter book. Look for deaths to spike around the middle of this month. Every time someone reads, a soldier loses his life.
And finally: Clearly Air Force Brig Gen. Donald Alston, the chief U.S. military spokesman in Iraq, and Maj. Gen. William Webster, commander of U.S. troops in Baghdad, do not support the troops. Otherwise they’d be on board with Cherry’s insightful analysis of Dick Durbin’s effects on casuality rates. Alston & Webster, why do you hate the military?
Stick a hat pin in me, I’m done.
Gee, it’s too bad that Al Franken wasn’t one of the liberals who got his wings when the soldiers died. It would have saved him when he was figuratively thrown off the Sears Tower. I guess Al didn’t use his fame to get himself to the front of the line, and look at the price he paid.
I bet he’s awesome in bed…Just looking at that picture makes me drool….