Potential Bush Supreme Court Nominees
Well, I’m sure you’re all as horrified by Sandra Day O’Connor’s retirement as I am, since now Bush will get to appoint at least two far-right loony-toons to the highest court in the land. Bloggers everywhere are offering their thoughtful, sophisticated opinions over whom Bush will nominate.
I’d do the same, except I’m neither thoughtful nor sophisticated, so I’ll settle for taking some cheap shots at wingnuts. So sit back and enjoy while I predict Bush’s most likely Supreme Court nominees!!!
Pros: Ben’s self-heralded virginity ensures his confirmation hearing won’t be sullied by embarrassing tales involving public hair and Coke cans.
Cons: No real experience in the courtroom or the bedroom; support for court-mandated bans on porno and prostitution won’t go over well with Bush’s corporate donors.
Notable quote: “I’m 21 years old, a columnist, an author, a graduate of UCLA, a Harvard law student — and a virgin. And I’m proud of it… It’s no wonder that because of my outspoken advocacy of traditional morality in general and of virginity in particular, I’ve become a favorite target of Internet leftists, who often refer to me as ‘The Virgin Ben.'”
2.) Justice Prophet Yahweh.
Pros: Bush can claim credit for appointing another minority judge; Justice Yahweh can spice up court rulings by summoning UFOs to attack justices who dissent from his opinions.
Cons: The Christian right won’t care much for his claims that humans were created by space aliens, or that Jesus was gay; isn’t a far-right loony-toon, he’s just a loony-toon.
Notable quote: “Prophet is in direct telephatic (sic) contact with his space being friends. They have revealed that they will send UFOs as soon as Prophet starts asking for them to appear.”
3.) Justice Reverend Sun Myung Moon
Pros: Another potential minority justice; The Washington Times will stop bitching about left-wing activist judges; the Christian right will love his plan to abolish “free sex” by controlling “the love organ.”
Cons: Shady dealings with North Korea could come back to haunt him; despite his hard-right stance on social issues, his Unification Cult is widely despised by most Christians.
Notable quote: “My enemies are America and Christianity. How am I going to win over those enemies. God’s way is to get hit and win. Everybody opposed Father but I do not hate those who opposed me.”
4.) Justice Fred Phelps.
Pros: Unlike the other nominees mentioned so far, Phelps actually has a law degree (though he was disbarred 25 years ago).
Cons: Will inscribe “God Hates Fags” as the 11th Commandment on the sculpture of Moses outside the Supreme Court building.
Notable quote: “Hear the word of the LORD, America, fag-enablers are worse than the fags themselves, and will be punished in the everlasting lake of fire!”
5.) Justice Pastor Joseph Grant Swank, Jr.
Pros: His writing is so indecipherable that it can be interpreted any which way, making him Justice O’Connor’s de facto replacement as the court’s “swing” vote; will provide many hilarious rulings on “homo nups” and “the killing of womb babies global.”
Cons: Uhm, he’s Pastor Swank.
Notable quote: “Now all America needs to be apprised of is that what Frist set forth is kept tidily in place.”
I know I’ve long thought Ben Shapiro would make a fine addition to the Court, what with all his integrity and virginness and everything.
Here’s an idea….
It’s too bad Terri Schiavo’s dead. She could’ve been a hell of an appointment.
Anne-
Y’know, I actually thought of that, but I figured five nutcases was enough. But I gotta admit, it’d be good to have someone on the bench who knows the history of psychiatry…
Justice Kaye Grogan.
Pros: Wears fake animal skins, mollifying PETA, Sigfried & Roy (a sop to the Liberace gay demographic). Huffs glue, a behavior that may garner the approval of social libertarians and the NORML set.
Cons: Again, huffs glue, and shares a brain (or at least, syntax) with President Bush.
Notable Quote: “Maybe it’s time to go back and do a little research on who came up with the brilliant . . . but not so brilliant long term decision, to allow people of other cultures to come over and challenge the American traditional values ? which would be grounds to be executed or thrown out of foreign countries ? if the roles were reversed. Many see this as the first step for forming a one-world order using America as the pasty.”
well, the only thing left to do is help skippy reach a million hits!
listen to skippy the bush kangaroo’s radio interview on wrfl, the univ. of kentucky’s station, by ben carter of bluegrassroots.org.
skippy waxes befuddled on a number of subjects, including but not limited to, a mangled explanation of the downing street memos, ayn rand, putting christ back into christianity, half a masturbation joke, why blogging is important but not as important as the information itself (same goes for the main stream press), gov. ah-nold, black box voting, and the site’s co-bloggers!
help skippy reach a million visitors by his third blogiversary on july 10! click away today!
Skippy- Thanks for spamming. I’ve edited your links. Good luck with those million hits.
I hope Mary Carey gets nominated. I knew the Republicans were grooming her for something special.
Is that the Prophet Yahweh of the many wonderful Yahweh Ben Yahweh infomercials that I used to love to catch when I was baked?
What utter ruthlessness by Brad R on skippy’s bottom!
I think Sadly, No should get into the spam game with evil kitties.
Imagine Ben Shapiro’s shock when he opens an e-mail from “Bradulous Ardutep” with subject like “Is Ur Cpck Big E-nuff?” only to be assualted by a bevy of evil pussy. cats. Its his greatest fear you know.
I so wish Ben was going to college with a kid I know named Jimi. Literally the first time I met this guy he was all “you look a little squirelly to me. Do you have a problem? I bet you don’t like to lick p*ssy. Say you like to lick p*ssy or I’m going to kick your *ss.” That is when I soiled myself.
What utter ruthlessness by Brad R on skippy’s bottom!
I don’t mind blog-whoring if it actually has something to do with the discussion thread. Skippy was just looking for easy hits, and was denied.
If they do nominate the VB, then they’re just gonna have to find those drapes and cover up the boobies on those statues again.
Hey, does this mean that his new initials would be the JVB? I’m sure the BVM would be proud!
I think your trackbacks aren’t working.
It’s not his public hair we had a problem with.
Wasn’t that kind of harsh on Skippy? I mean, not that we’re supposed to be a paragon of super-niceness or anything, but we should be attacking dangerous criminal terror-regimes like Crooked Timber.
We may have had some problems and mistakes, but nothing even remotely as bad as the rape rooms of Crooked Timber’s torture dungeons. Let’s keep things in perspective here.
Incidentally, I feel that Ben would be a great addition to the court. It’s long needed a justice whose hymen is intact.
Oh, Skippy. You can do so much better. If you’d only thrown down some adorable kitten pics and a challenge…
You know, now that I think of it, Skippy does seem like the woman who spoke to the press a lot when Crooked Timber was holding me hostage.
BTW, it you are trying to bring punsihment to Skippy, you should edit the link through skippy’s name, too.
Also, “telephatic”. There was no reason to use the [sic] there. “Telephatic” must be a term invented by George Clinton.
And anyway, everyone knows that Ann Coulter is going to get the first nomination.
Notice how Crooked Timber is like Marilyn Manson in reverse- everyone there has the first name of a serial killer. Ted Bundy Barlow?? John Wayne Gacy Quiggin? They are bad news bears.
Wait for it: Nancy Grace.
How could you forget former Chief Justice Roy Moore, of “Roy’s Rock” fame?
If we were a more advanced society, we could clone our judges in their reactionary prime and reduce the uncertainty we now must live with. Sure, Ben is a virgin now, and a wingnut par-excellance, but what will happen to him after twenty or more years on the bench? He might read a book not written by Ayn Rand, he might (horrors!) get laid, and who knows what that might do to his tender psyche? He could end up another Earl Warren, in drag!
This is where I have to get off the Bush program, cloning, stem cell research, and other core biological sciences need to be put in a top secret research organization that would promote biblical science, but keep a retinue of brainy slaves working day and night to preserve our nations moral character.
It’s just an idea, anyway.
I love the phrase “fag enablers”. I just get this mental image of someone standing next to two guys having sex, lube at the ready and chanting “Go! Go! Go!”
A very good selection of potential nominees. I would like to add one of my own: Ronald Reagan.
Pros: He is universally beloved by conservatives; I think he played a lawyer in “Kings Row”; he should get a chance to make up for the damage he did by appointing Sandra.
Cons: Might be pro-stem cell research; scandal about wife and Frank Sinatra may surface during confirmation hearings; still dead.
s.z.:
I don’t think him being dead is a problem. It’s about time we had a zombie president.
I mean, think about it: if Souter drops out of line, Zombie Ronnie will just eat his brains.
SZ, that’d be pretty cool:
Shroder v. Planned Parenthood
Justice Reagan dissenting.
Reagan: “BRAAAAAAAAAAAAINS!!!! Well…”
Moon won’t take it,as it would be a step down from the Messiah position he currently holds.
I love Shapiro’s quote…
“I’m 21 years old, a columnist, an author, a graduate of UCLA, a Harvard law student — and a virgin. And I’m proud of it… It’s no wonder that because of my outspoken advocacy of traditional morality in general and of virginity in particular, I’ve become a favorite target of Internet leftists, who often refer to me as ‘The Virgin Ben.'”
Hell, I never refer to him as the virgin Ben, I refer to him as either “idiot” or “fag.”
Goddammit, Jeff. I’m a fag, and I take offense.
A fag still gets laid.
Eh…I’m a fag too, but I still call Ben a fag. Because I feel fairly certain that when he loses his virginity, it will be up the cornhole.
He’s a total pushy bottom.
I am fully expecting the SC nom to be young (virgin) Ben Shapiro.
Pros:
1. He’s young and a virgin; thus he will be able to put those facts in the SC record for the next 50 years.
2. He’s a virgin and a law student at Harvard. And everyone knows that Havard law students are already better qualified to make SC decisions than anyone else. And, oh yeah, did I mention that he is a virgin?
Cons:
1.Even conservatives will tire of hearing in every decision Ben makes about his virginity, and how he is qualified simply because he is/was a Harvard Law Student.
2. When Ben does retire, his resignation letter will reference that the reason for his retirement was due to a “tragic accident I suffered in the shower: I was washing my evil weapon of mass insemination; and the darned thing went off.”
Here’s a vote for General JC Christian.
He’s a known heterosexual.
Res: yes, he does have that indicative passive/aggressive quality…
Just to get serious for a minute –
Dick Cheney will head up a committee to scour the land for suitable appointments. Having found none as able as he, he will appoint himself to the SC; Jeb Bush will be made Veep. George will then suffer an incapacitating bicycle “accident”, both rendering him unfit to stand trial at The Hague and assuaging Americans’ fear that he was but one heartbeat away from the presidency.
Incidentally, Ronnie Reagan is not dead, he’s just extremely absent-minded.
Justice Osama Bin Laden:
Pros: Not a hint of sexual or personal scandal. Well noted for his strong faith. Liked by millions. On the right side when it comes to condemning fags, baby-killing and the decadance of the modern world. Also a good show of Bush’s openness to multiculturalism.
Cons: Not a US citizen. Questions may be raised about previous faith-based activities.
Bush: Ah hell, it’s only the Supreme Court
Bush on potential Associate Justice nominees—experience doesn’t matter! (Bold mine:)
WASHINGTON (AP)—President Bush said Wednesday that he would consider nominating a woman or someone with no experience as a judge to replace reti…
This is my first time here and was wondering how often posts are made?