Reasons to be Cheerful, Parts 1-10
[updated, because i do that a lot]
Sadly, No! condemns the recent assassination attempt on the President of the United States on the grounds that, for starters, assassination is reprehensible and wrong, and quite out of fashion in America, since years ago when JFK, MLK, and RFK were murdered one after the next by alleged lone, deranged gunmen. …And that was an accident with Wellstone, we think.
But wait, we’re not starting off well here. Throwing grenades at people — it’s always wrong. We condemn it with zero-tolerance.
Not Funny
It’s good to have backup in matters like these. Take it, Jennifer McBride, of the noted ’10 Reasons Not To Kill Bush’ essay!
10 reasons not to kill Bush
By Jennifer McBride
(U-WIRE) EUGENE, Ore. — Recently in Georgia, the president gave a speech only to have someone chuck a hand grenade at him. Lucky for all, the blast cap did not explode. Though originally thought to be a dud, the FBI later revealed the weapon was far from safe.
I can’t possibly guess the assassin’s reasoning,
Can’t possibly guess, despite guessing and guessing?
That must be because nothing like this has ever happened before.
but I’ve heard enough people on campus proclaiming their hatred of George W. Bush to know that some wouldn’t have shed many tears. And that’s a shame.
Hm. You’re in a journalism program, aren’t you? Many might say that something suggests this. [update: indeed]
Translation: “I’ve heard enough people on campus proclaiming their hatred of George W. Bush to know that a lot of them would be partying like it’s 1999.”
If the assassin were looking for a way to hurt America, blowing up the president would be a good idea. Bush’s martyrdom would put the last nail in the coffin of the liberal agenda.
Because on the third day, he would rise from the tomb!
So, for those Bush-haters out there, here are 10 reasons you should stop praying for an assassinated G.W.B.:
Good. But why only ten?
1) Killing the president immediately generates sympathy for his cause. If the president died tomorrow, there would be no question that all of his nominees for the judicial branch would make it through the Senate.
That’s the number-one reason? You’re just making this up based on the latest frantic blast-fax from GOP HQ, aren’t you? Our first reason: Exploding people with hand grenades is a damn dirty trick! Besides, innocent people could have been hurt. He threw a frickin’ hand grenade into a crowd!
2) A dead President Bush leaves a live Dick Cheney in charge. Need I say more?
Hey, a living President Bush leaves Dick Cheney in charge. 2) Cheney as POTUS would leave Bill Frist ‘only a heartbeat from the presidency.’
3) The Pakistani political situation is drastically fragile. Should President Bush die, Musharraf’s brutal, mostly secular dictatorship probably will be replaced by a brutal, religiously fundamental dictatorship, reducing the United States’ chances of bringing in Osama bin Laden to nil.
Dunno. Seems flimsy, but I don’t know anything about it. Let’s just go to #4.
4) Any criticisms of the administration will be regarded as more unpatriotic than ever. In the next election, you could expect to see Democratic primary candidates proclaiming that their Republican counterparts aren’t “fit to follow in President Bush’s footsteps.”
Wait, you’re pulling this stuff out of your butt like one of those yoga guys who swallows a 20-foot knotted handkerchief.
We need LEADERSHIP here, Jen! Wait, I’ll make one up like you do.
4) Congress would be deadlocked because of mass deference to the former President Bush’s seldom-invoked veto power. Popular initiatives would rapidly fall to the wayside, and chaos would reign.
How’s that?
Wait, I can do a better one.
4) John Kerry is a flip-flopper.
Gah. I just don’t have the talent for this.
5) Killing President Bush could spur another spate of international invasions, with or without U.N. approval. The U.S. military cannot deal with invading another country without further hollowing our ability to defend ourselves and respond to threats from other countries, such as a nuclear North Korea.
Ok, wait.
5) Killing President Bush would melt the polar ice caps, raising sea levels and flooding coastal cities around the world. Global unrest would follow along with mass species extinction, and a 12,000-year ice age would be triggered, with a strong likelihood of global nuclear annihilation from competition among surviving nations for scarce resources.
6) The news cycle would be justly co-opted. With the media so focused on one story, there wouldn’t be time to examine important issues such as the government suppression in Uzbekistan or Egyptian election tampering. In fact, all foreign news that didn’t directly affect the assassination would probably grind to a halt.
Like with the Runaway Bride thing! It’s just seeming more and more horrible with each revelation (he said in astonishment).
Jennifer! Work harder!
7) President Bush’s status as a martyr would leave the electorate more polarized than ever, especially if liberals were seen as publicly irreverent to President Bush’s memory. It would be a little different if natural selection decreed death-by-snacking, but toasting an assassin’s success leaves a decidedly bitter taste in the national mouth.
Wait a moment….
It would be a little different if natural selection decreed death-by-snacking, but toasting an assassin’s success leaves a decidedly bitter taste in the national mouth.
You’re insane! What are you talking about? This is the stupidest college-student shit ever in the history of the planet!
“Death-by-Snacking!!??”
That’s what goes through your head from moment to moment? Get out of here! You’re fired!
[Update: Oh, NOW I get it — ‘death by snacking’ = pretzel. And then ‘toasting’ and ‘bitter taste,’ and it all goes together into the ‘national mouth’ and…
Aaah! Get out of here! You’re fired!]
8) Jeb Bush’s popularity would skyrocket. He would undoubtedly win the Republican nomination and then the election in 2008. With the Supreme Court full of near-zombies, I would prefer a different man to pick the people who are going to strangle us with laws.
>ringtone!
9) Killing George Bush won’t end any of the policies people disagree with. An assassination would merely strengthen our resolve to stay the course in Iraq, keep troops in Saudi Arabia, support our Israeli allies, etc. Policies don’t die just because the president does.
And you know what he said to me? Oh my God! He was like…
10) Slaying President Bush is simply immoral. Anyone who advocates purposefully killing someone defenseless (and a democratically elected leader, no less) is clearly value-challenged. I don’t understand the logical contortions some people must go through to be anti-death penalty yet pro-assassination.
At last. Ok, that’s certainly true. Bye, Jen.
It would be a little different if natural selection decreed death-by-snacking, but toasting an assassin’s success leaves a decidedly bitter taste in the national mouth.
Well, see, pretzels (the deathly snack) have already been baked — in fact, I think some get boiled-then-baked, like bagels — so toasting them just blackens the crust like a blackguard’s black heart, only on the outside not the inside, and with less protein I guess, so it’s not even nutritionally sound I mean unless it’s only a small part of the diet and what’s the sound of one heart clapping anyway? It is like having the national heart in the national mouth? And what about when that black charred stuff gets in between your teeth and then you’re like that all night and nobody even tells you and you get home and see it in the mirror like a cavity or something, eeeuwww! And then you start wondering who you grinned at all night (with the national mouth) and if they think you’re some hag who like toasts assassination attempts.
I trust I’ve made everything perfectly clear.
Because on the third day, he would rise from the tomb!
LOL
The Cheney reason makes sense. Everything else sounds about as coherent as my stoner buddies after a Modest Mouse concert.
I have a plan. Let?s get the fundamentalists organized to all pray for the AnitChrist to have his head explode spontaneously. That way, the only harm to bystanders is to be covered with slimy Bush brains.
Gosh, that reminded me that Bush was in fact almost killed by a pretzel. Shallow end of the gene pool there.
Wait, so she put “murder is wrong” at the bottom of the list? That would be on the top of my list.
Actually, this whole thing sounds like satire. What Bush-admirer mentions both the pretzel incident and the administrations support of dictatorships?
“Killing President Bush would melt the polar ice caps, raising sea levels and flooding coastal cities around the world. Global unrest would follow along with mass species extinction, and a 12,000-year ice age would be triggered, with a strong likelihood of global nuclear annihilation from competition among surviving nations for scarce resources.”
You forgot to mention that the magnetic poles would flip, resulting in nasty rays and particles and things gettin’ us all mutated and such. Oh, and you forgot Poland!
11) Who would sex up poor Laura?
Actually, this whole thing sounds like satire. What Bush-admirer mentions both the pretzel incident and the administrations support of dictatorships?
I started off thinking that she was a standard wingnut trying to appeal to what she thought liberals’ interests were. The ‘last nail in the coffin of the liberal agenda’ thing only makes sense in Wingnutese.
But after revising and trying to figure it out again, etc., I honestly have no clue where she’s coming from. It can’t be satire, because satire is funny (or at least tries to be).
I try not to bash people who aren’t, themselves, engaged in bashing people (or powerful and heedless, like Mr. Friedman) — and I cut a lot of the nasty comments because I don’t know if she realizes the kind of (pardon me for going on & on) lack of context it requires to read this list and believe it. It’s necessary, almost, not to know anything at all.
But I probably wouldn’t have written this if I hadn’t thought she was a wingnut. Which she might be — I don’t know. Weird list anyway.
I’ve written a few similar articles in the past, from a definitely-non-wingnut perspective.
Maybe as a result, I read Ms McBride’s column as non-wingnutty – but this could be wrong…
You had me at “innocent people could have been hurt”.
There’s been enough of that going on.
Worst of all — Jenna and Tonic would have to get actual jobs, cause their allowance would be, like, cut off or something.
Anyone who advocates purposefully killing someone defenseless … is clearly value-challenged
Yeah, the right would never stoop so low *coughnukeFallujacough*)
Though originally thought to be a dud, the FBI later revealed the weapon was far from safe.
LOL. Way to not use a dangling participle!
Is ‘cavorting’ British slang for ‘rogering’?
I noticed the same bit Anne did, but I think it was a different editing mistake. I’d suggest: “Though originally thought to be a dud, the President was far from safe, the FBI later revealed.”
“Value-challenged”? Where I come from, the word is “evil.”What the hell was the point of that column? Why are they letting this semi-literate kid near a real newspaper?If Bush dies, Frist isn’t a heartbeat away — Hastert is. Not that I think he’d be long for the Speakership if Cheney did take over; Tom DeLay would smash aside his ventriloquist’s dummy to get in line for the Oval Office.
Okie, just impeachment and trial, ok? Thanks.
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