Carey “Oops! I Crapped My Pants” Roberts has a new column up. Those of you familiar with Mr. Roberts’ past work know that he’s kind of insane (and he doesn’t really like women).

The question is- can Carey write a column without sounding paranoid, ignorant and crazy? Let’s read his latest to find out!

New Catholic patriarch may derail Hillary’s White House plans

Carey Roberts
April 26, 2005

After a brief flirtation with compassionate conservatism, Hillary Rodham Clinton has returned to her neo-Marxist ways.

Hm. Looks like the answer is Sadly, No!

On April 19 Senator Clinton introduced the so-called Paycheck Fairness Act, a law that would pressure employers to fatten women’s paychecks, regardless of the number of hours worked or job qualifications.

At the risk of sounding repetitive… Sadly, No (emphasis added):

Under the EPA, when an employer is found to be paying female employees less than male employees for equal work, the employer may assert an affirmative defense that the pay differential is based on a “factor other than sex.” […] The Paycheck Fairness Act would tighten this affirmative defense so that it can excuse a pay differential for men and women only where the employer can show that the differential is truly caused by something other than sex and is related to job performance — such as differences in education, training, or experience.

Now, back to Carey:

The former Soviet Union once tried to divorce job productivity from wages. Of course, that removed persons’ incentive for hard work, and economic mayhem was the result.

On the other hand, Carey’s been divorced by five different wives, and they’re all happier for it. So I guess divorce cuts both ways.

By interesting coincidence, Sen. Clinton’s bill was introduced the very same day that, half-way around the globe, Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger was elected as the new pope. Within hours he assumed the name Benedict XVI.

During the 1980s pope John Paul II worked courageously and relentlessly behind the scenes to topple Polish Communism. Now Cardinal Ratzinger is picking up where John Paul left off, publicly denouncing the scourge of socialism.

And by “socialism,” he means the horrors of six-week vacations, government health insurance and same-sex marriage.

Faced with a man of towering intellect and unswerving moral courage, the Leftist media has responded by doing what it does best: cavil, criticize, and complain. All but calling the pope a religious bigot, columnist Andrew Sullivan warned, “And so the Catholic church accelerated its turn toward authoritarianism, hostility to modernity, assertion of papal supremacy, and quashing of internal debate.”

You can accuse Andrew Sullivan of a lot of things, but being a pawn of the “leftist media” ain’t one of ’em.

The pontiff is a man of rock-solid conviction who decries what he calls the “dictatorship of relativism.” Of course Benedict XVI views abortion as a social and moral abomination, repeatedly referring to it as a “grave sin.” And same-sex marriage is out, as revealed by this 1998 statement deploring the trend that “heterosexuality and homosexuality [would] come to be seen as simply two morally equivalent variations.”

At this rate, maybe the concepts of Right and Wrong, Good and Evil, will soon be restored to the public discourse.

“And then the widespread practice of sodomizing fetuses will be finally outlawed.”

Which brings me to Hillary’s ill-disguised aspirations to reclaim her throne in the White House and welcome the long-awaited feminist-socialist utopia.

Yes, just picture it… the White House painted pink… daily performances of The Vagina Monologues in Ford’s Theatre… George Washington’s face on the dollar bill replaced by Gloria Steinem’s nipples…

Last June, when Senator John Kerry and President Bush were running neck-and-neck in the presidential race, Cardinal Ratzinger issued a letter that prohibited priests from giving the Holy Communion to a Catholic politician who is “consistently campaigning and voting” for permissive abortion laws.

Some priests felt that defending a woman’s “right to choose” represented a higher moral principle than protecting the lives of unborn innocents, so they chose to ignore that instruction. But that letter served to re-awaken the consciences of millions of Catholics, who on Election Day abandoned the Democratic Party in droves.

Hm, you know, there was a time when having the Pope intefere with American politics was considered a bad thing. Check out this quote (via the leftist Andrew Sullivan):

“I believe in an America where the separation of church and state is absolute — where no Catholic prelate would tell the President (should he be Catholic) how to act, and no Protestant minister would tell his parishioners for whom to vote.”

– President John F. Kennedy

Surely, Carey remembers President Kennedy (after all, he was a sprightly 105 years old when Kennedy got elected).

When to comes to radical feminism, the pontiff doesn’t mince words, either.

The pontiff comes on radical feminism?

Last July 31 he released a Letter to the Bishops of the Catholic Church on the Collaboration of Men and Women. Representing a brilliant and incisive critique of feminist theory, the Letter zeroed in on its two fundamental flaws.

Ooo, ooo, let me guess those flaws:

1.) Feminist theory is written by women.
2.) Women have cooties.

First is the tactic of provoking gender conflict. Feminists try to convince women to “make themselves adversaries of men,” explained the Cardinal, which “leads to opposition between men and women.”

Second is the concept of androgeny, what Ratzinger denounced as the “obscuring of the difference or duality of the sexes.” This flawed theory of gender “has inspired ideologies which…call into question the family in its natural two-parent structure of mother and father.”

Gee, I can’t imagine why feminists would “provoke gender conflict” when the Catholic church argues that women should stop getting uppity and stick to their God-ordained gender roles. Simply baffling.

If that analysis didn’t give Hillary heartburn, the Letter’s conclusion must have: that feminist “distortions” and “lethal effects” were undermining the “natural two-parent structure” of the family.

Senator Clinton, it might be smart to stop giving away those autographed copies of “It Takes a Village to Raise a Child.”

But the German-born pontiff was not advocating a nostalgic return to the paternalistic days of kinder, kuche, and kirche. Instead he wrote about the need for an “active collaboration of the sexes” in order to bring the “feminine values” of faithfulness and caring to the forefront.

Because we all know that men shouldn’t be faithful or caring.

Last week, shortly before the Cardinals commenced their deliberations, then-Cardinal Ratzinger was invited to deliver the homily. In his remarks, he specifically singled out liberalism, collectivism, and Marxism as sources of perversion and error.

Liberalism, collectivism, and Marxism ? that pretty much sums up Hillary’s whole political philosophy.

Viagra, Gas-X and Depends- that pretty much sums up Carey’s shopping list.