The Wild Wild Wild Wild Wild World of Justin Darr
Justin Darr, who recently graced us with his stories about eating hemp icecream while licking dust off Seb’s television screen, is back with another super-wacky tale about his efforts to quit smoking:
The non-moralizing jerk section
Justin Darr
After years of constant personal attacks, being unceremoniously herded out into the hostile elements, and sneered and glared upon on an almost constant basis, I have quit smoking.
Justin, they’re still sneering and glaring at you, and it’s because you don’t bathe.
Yes, stand up and applaud all you non-smokers out there! You have finally nagged, annoyed, and taxed me out of one of the few small pleasures life has to offer.
If Justin’s life has only a “few small pleasures” and one of them is smoking, he must be a pretty miserable guy.
Granted, smoking is bad for you. And, that is the real reason why I quit. After just a few short weeks I already feel better, have more energy and the creation of the “plasma TV fund” in my bank account has made it all worthwhile.
So Justin’s glad he quit smoking because now he has more energy to watch his plasma TV.
And we wonder why this country has an obesity problem?
Probably the largest benefit of not smoking is that now I can finally join the benighted few in the coveted “non smoking section” of my favorite local restaurant.
Strangely, however, my first over the “non-smoking” red velvet rope was not what I was expecting. Where were the jewel studded utensils, the extra comfy seat cushions with bonus lumbar supports, the crystal vases full of fresh cut free range wild flowers?
Uuuh, Justin, if you want to have jewel-studded utensils, you’re gonna need a second job. Your current gig at Renew America just won’t bring home that type of bacon.
Where was the ethereal glow that only comes from the certainty that you are in some way better than someone else?
Yeah, Justin thought he’d become an up-and-coming socialite after quitting smoking, but his dreams were dashed when he looked in the mirror and realized he was still Justin Darr.
I was surrounded by a bunch of jerks! Do not misunderstand me. Most non-smokers are the same as smokers; just regular folks. But there is a breed of self righteous, moralizing, tobacco police in the non-smoking community who feel that it is their personal responsibility to make dinner miserable for as many smokers as possible.
Actually, Justin, they only pick on you, and that’s because you remind them of the kid in high school who was always getting honey-dipped and shoved in lockers.
Have any of you ever stopped to think that it is just as equally rude and annoying to bother someone while they are eating, trapped in your car, or if you just happen to spy a pack of cigarettes on their person about the evils of smoking as it is to be around someone who smokes?
Hey, speak for yourself! If I’m trapped in a car, I want someone to bother me. More specifically, I want them to help me pry my ass out.
Second hand smoke may or may not be a health risk, but stress related anxiety inflicted by anti-tobacco zealots on people who are just trying to mind their own business is too, and I do not see business owners funneling the ranks of the obnoxious into tables by the bathroom.
I have absolutely no idea what this means, but I think it’s Justin’s way of saying he needs to take a dump.
The next time I go out to eat, I plan on requesting to sit in the smoking section. Not because I plan to smoke, but I would rather deal with those who accepted me when I smoked than fawn in the erstwhile graces of those who delighted in making me miserable for so long.
I wouldn’t worry too much about that, Justin. I talked to some of those elitist non-smoker snobs last week, and they still think you’re lame.
So, what is it going to be? Deal with those who are under the mistaken assumption that I care about their opinions on how I live my life, or smell an ashtray when I eat.
The ashtray gives Justin a convenient scapegoat when people complain about the stench of his armpits.
Too bad there is no “non-moralizing jerk” section in the diner.
What about a “whiny bitch tits” section? Cuz frankly, you’d fit right in.
This guy really is a jackass. After the last installment of his nonsense here at S,N!, I actually went to the Renew America site with the intent of finding an email address for this miserable oompa-loompa.
Imagine my surprise to discover that it wasn’t listed anywhere on the site.
Hah. With that attitude, he’ll be smoking again by month’s end. Either that, or within the next two weeks (during which his ability to smell and taste will be improving steadily) he’ll finally notice that he really doesn’t want to be engulfed in cigarette smoke while he’s trying to eat his newly-flavorful dinner.
Yeah, blame it on smoking.
“Unless this assault on our holidays is stopped, America will lose its heritage, its culture, and eventually its moral compass.” -Justin Darr
Too bad there is no “non-moralizing jerk” section in the diner.
Actually, Justin, there is a “non-moralizing jerk” section in every restaurant…. they just don’t tell you about it ’cause you aren’t allowed to sit there.
People really shouldn’t write while having a nic-fit. I should know.
Unless, of course, that’s the way he always writes.
“But there is a breed of self righteous, moralizing, tobacco police in the non-smoking community who feel that it is their personal responsibility to make dinner miserable for as many smokers as possible.”
Wow. Projection monkey at 12 o’clock. Excuse me for making your dinner miserable as I choke on your carcinogenic exaust, Mother Darresa.
Hey Justin, be thankful restaurants in your state still have smoking sections. In my state they don’t, courtesy of our Republican governor and our split legislature (just in case you wanted to call it a “librul” thing).
oh man! he is so right! i hate it when people are coming up to me and saying, “you know, smoking is bad for you,” or, “hey, that there abortion is bad for you”. i bet he feels the same way since that libertarian essence of leaving people alone to produce second-hand smoke is peeking out of his inner theo-con core! yea! i mean, leave your moralizing to yourself! which in no way is a form of moralizing, since it’s about being a not-moralizing type of person!
Does this guy go to restaurants by himself? All of the sudden the non-smokers in his party are jerks? Didn’t he know these people before?
“The next time I go out to eat, I plan on requesting to sit in the smoking section. Not because I plan to smoke, but I would rather deal with those who accepted me when I smoked than fawn in the erstwhile graces of those who delighted in making me miserable for so long.”
They didn’t accept you either Justin, they just needed to bum a fag.
Do they have a smoking section at Arby’s?
would rather deal with those who accepted me when I smoked than fawn in the erstwhile graces of those who delighted in making me miserable for so long.
Psst. Erstwhile smoker and ongoing doofus Justin Darr doesn’t know what “erstwhile” means.
Probably the largest benefit of not smoking is that now I can finally join the benighted few in the coveted “non smoking section”
Psst. Erstwhile smoker and benighted political “thinker” Justin Darr doesn’t know what “benighted” means, either.
Maybe we should take up a collection to buy him a dictionary.
Look at those nonsmokers, all erstwhile and benighted. Smoking is a perfectly cromulent habit.
Deal with those who are under the mistaken assumption that I care about their opinions on how I live my life,
Riiiiight. You don’t care what they think. That’s why you just spent the whole column sniffling about them:
You have finally nagged, annoyed, and taxed me out of one of the few small pleasures life has to offer.
Second hand smoke may or may not be a health risk, but stress related anxiety inflicted by anti-tobacco zealots on people who are just trying to mind their own business is too,
of those who delighted in making me miserable for so long.
Sweet Jeebus, what a diaper-soiling whiner. Take some Midol and shut the fuck up.
You have finally nagged, annoyed, and taxed me out of one of the few small pleasures life has to offer.
Dear Whiny Smokers,
I don’t actually give a shit what you’re doing to your health. I don’t care if you smoke elsewhere. What I do care about is not smelling fucking smoke when I’m eating, you self-centered douches.
Truth is, he only quit `cause no one would give him their smokes anymore…
“After years of constant personal attacks, being unceremoniously herded out into the hostile elements, and sneered and glared upon on an almost constant basis, I have finally decided to start buying my own cigarettes”
Now THAT I would have respected. What a whiner…
You have finally nagged, annoyed, and taxed me out of one of the few small pleasures life has to offer.
Yahoo! Let’s nag more, annoy more, and take away Justin’s other obvious small pleasures — starting with the personal, private one.
“Where was the ethereal glow that only comes from the certainty that you are in some way better than someone else?”
Uh…Dude? Isn’t that what church is for? Duh!
Justin should move to Germany with Seb, where lots of people like to smoke. I’m sure he’d love hanging out with all the liberal smoking types there.
Hey, it turns out second-hand smoke irritates the hell out of my allergies, as well as smelling incredibly foul.
I’m really tired of the meme of the “oppresed smoker”. You know what? Smokers deserve to be be oppresed. They stink up perfectly good air, while in the process killing themselves. That’s not admirable behavior, and I don’t want to pretend that it is. If you want to smoke, do it on your own damn time, and leave me out of it.
That’s great! It’s always inspiring to see the support for people who wants to quit smoking. I have been an ex-smoker myself for 15 years. That is why I know exactly how it feels and also how to deal with the withdrawal symptoms and the psychological aspect of it.
I now publish a newsletter to help people quit smoking with ease without the discomfort of cravings.
It is at:
http://www.easyquitsmokingsecrets.com/
Feel free to subscribe to it.