Hey, there. S.Z. from World O’Crap here.

Since Seb is gone, I thought I’d take this occasion to tell you some stuff about him that you probably didn’t know.

First of all, he’s not actually romantically involved with Amber Pawlik. Seb is happily married, and Amber has a boyfriend.

So, the truth of the matter is that their relationship is just about hot, steamy, objectivist cybersex.

Second, the reason for Seb’s absence this week is not to attend some spring break thing with girls gone wild. No, it seems that Seb has been appointed to a new position in the U.S. State Department designed to make foreigners hate us less. So, he had to go to Washington to meet with Condi and Karen Hughes, and discuss how he is going to accomplish this. The idea he came up with is to spread stories about a German woman who was forced to work in a brothel or lose her unemployment benefits, thus proving that America is way better than Europe. And guess what? Karen liked the idea so much that she is reportedly going to use it on the Arab street.

And third, actually Seb and Justin Darr are not sworn rivals, but instead socialize regularly.

As proof of fact #3, I submit this column by Justin.

Last week, my wife and I were invited to eat dinner at the home of some of our more liberal friends. Or, I should more properly say, my wife was invited and I came along because I come with the set. Do not take this the wrong way. I have nothing personally against this couple. They are intelligent, friendly people, and other than the fact that they are a pair of short sighted, pseudo-intellectual, tie dye wearing liberal freaks who hold a burning resentment against me because I am usually right, I can tolerate them for short periods every few weeks.

Now doesn’t that sound just like Seb (especially the part about holding a burning resentment of Justin, just because Justin is the hottest young conservative on the internets who isn’t Yosef)?

Anyway, Justin goes on to complain about Seb’s hospitality:

This week was their turn to host dinner. So, as with most things in life, there is good and bad in all situations. For example, by going to their house I do not have to deal with their critiquing my home’s recycling program, but by going to theirs I am forced to endure whatever collection of sticks, small stones, and berries constitutes a vegetarian meal. This week was no exception as we were treated to yet another half raw meat, cheese, salt and taste free dinner. As I finished eating and my mind was turning to thoughts of what kinds of real food I would eat once I got home, my hosts asked if I would like some chocolate non-dairy, frozen, naturally sweetened confection. This is close enough to be ice cream for me, so I accepted.

Yes, you see so many vegetarians these days that feed their friends half-raw meat. Or is Justin complaining that they didn’t do this?

In any case, it’s clear that you should never have dinner at Seb’s house.

For guess what Seb did next?

He asked Justin if he wanted some hemp seeds on top of his Tofutti!!!

As my host gave me the bowl, he asked me with a smile if I would like some hemp seeds on the top as a garnish. Ah, yes, it was evidently time for yet another of my friends’ attempts to entrap me into a lecture about the evils of something. I knew that if I was to refuse the hemp seeds, then I was guaranteed at least a 45 minute long tirade about the need to legalize marijuana. Willing to avoid this at any cost, and knowing that hemp is the non narcotic form of marijuana, I accepted. My hosts’ crestfallen stares was proof to me that I have managed to spoil their planned entertainment for the evening, so they immediately switched to “Plan B” and began their sermon anyhow about how wonderful hemp is and how if everyone grew it there would no longer be any problems in the world.

Now, can’t you just picture Seb doing that?

Well, no, me neither. You know, now that you mention it, I can’t picture anyone doing it. In fact, I now don’t believe that these tie-dye wearing, recycling-promoting, vegetarian friends even exist, and I think that Justin just made them up as a hook for his column about the how hemp isn’t as great a crop as hippies in the 70s may have claimed.

So, maybe I maligned Seb for no good reason, except that it was fun.

You be the judge.