17
What’s My Name?
I think the time has come to retire ‘Retardo Montalban’ as a pseudonym. I’ve used it since 1999 or so; it was my first and best internet identity. I’ll miss it.
Not that I haven’t used other names in the distant ‘net past — ‘Post-Fuck Consensus’, ‘Apocalypse Cow’, ‘Pukeface Oblomov’, ‘Mao-Tse Tongue’, ‘hemiSPHINCTER’, ‘PENIUS’ (nicely Goldsteinian, that one, but it was an inside joke on a fellow netizen friend, as well as an atrocious pun), ‘Diet Carbonated Yoda’, ‘Dr. Zaius’, ‘General Zod’, ‘Ebenezer Spooge’, and many more I’ve forgotten. Better something self-evidently silly and ‘not serious’ than some pompous Greco-Roman nom-de-net, I thought.*
Oh don’t worry, I’m still silly and unserious. But for once I’ve underestimated the stupidity of the other side: they really think that the work of detailing and describing Jeff Goldstein’s crazed personality, say, is wholly negated by my choice of pseudonym. The joke is that someone so goofy and frivolous that he would choose to be identified as ‘Retardo Montalban’ is still serious and sane enough to see and comment on the creeps who are really batshit insane and clueless-fucktard stupid. Well of course they’re not gonna get that joke — it’s at their expense — and I guess I did know that, so, rather, what I’ve really underestimated is their ability to wear me down as well as those who might quote me.
Above: RM as Doughy Pantload: “Fellow mexicommimuslimofascists, help me take this mask off so that I may look on you with wingnut eyes.” “Who Am I? What am I doing here? What’s my name?”
Like Donny Karobatsos, they are “like a child who wanders in in the middle of a movie” — and I’m tired of using the Walter Sobchak response: “You have no frame of reference here, Donny”, “You’re out of your element”, “Shut the fuck up, Donny; the world does not start and stop at your leisure, you miserable piece of…” Gah. Wingnuts: you have to reinvent the wheel everytime you engage them. ‘What, but this criticism comes from someone named “Retardo Montalban” — it can’t be legitimate!’ No strawman, either. Goldstein, Ace of Spades, Patterico have made this exact argument.
So, Fine. In a few days, I’ll no longer be ‘Retardo Montalban’. But I’m not sure what else to use, except I damn sure am not using my real name — thanks, but I’d rather not have one of Pasty’s insane commenters show up on my doorstep to do what they have threatened to do to other Lefties (beat with axehandles; take a pistol to; gang rape; ’show [them] where Jimmy Hoffa is buried’, in other words, murder them; etc.) — but can’t come up with an acceptable pseudonym right now. Have any suggestions? No, it can’t be ‘Jonah Goldberg’ or ‘Doughy Pantload’. Beyond that, I’m open-minded.
* — I’ve broken my rule before, alas. Explanation in comments to this post on the Marble Douchebag.
tbogg said,
January 17, 2007 at 9:14
I vote for Ann Althouse. Sure it comes with baggage, but it has a nice non-partisan ring to it.
RubDMC said,
January 17, 2007 at 9:31
There’s always The Ol’ Perfessor.
craigie said,
January 17, 2007 at 9:33
Jonah Pantload?
a different brad said,
January 17, 2007 at 9:35
My suggestion would be something with profanity in it, though that would be counterproductive in moving wingnuts past fixating on your name.
Or how about Jenna Bush?
Sharon Needles said,
January 17, 2007 at 9:40
Oh don’t worry, I’m still silly and unserious.
Just like that leftist Kucinich!!!
Dinah Aids said,
January 17, 2007 at 9:42
…beat with axehandles; take a pistol to; gang rape; ’show [them] where Jimmy Hoffa is buried’…
Silly goose — those are all sexual, not homicidal euphemisms.
TBH said,
January 17, 2007 at 9:44
How about: Gabes Gabriel.
Just because that name is intrinsically funny.
Famous Soviet Athlete said,
January 17, 2007 at 9:45
Biff is always nice.
tm said,
January 17, 2007 at 10:08
The joke is that someone so goofy and frivolous that he would choose to be identified as ‘Retardo Montalban’ is still serious and sane enough to see and comment on the creeps who are really batshit insane and clueless-fucktard stupid.
Suggestion: Stephen Hawkinginmyunderpants.
Some Guy said,
January 17, 2007 at 10:09
Name choosing is hard. I’m been thinking about doing something about my less then stellar moniker, but meh.
Something “Pogo” related, mayhaps?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pogo#Characters
tb said,
January 17, 2007 at 10:15
Waitaminit, you’re Zaius? Where the hell do I remember that from, talk.origins? As for the new name I think you should go toga. Perhaps some play on the queerest of all Romans, Fabius Maximus? Incitatus, the name of the horse Caligula made consul, which someone else mentioned, is good because it would really irk Tacitus. I’m also rifling my memory banks for the most ludicrously turgid entry, don’t have it yet…
tb said,
January 17, 2007 at 10:38
“Probus” has obvious potential.
Poppy Downs said,
January 17, 2007 at 10:40
Stephen Hawkinginmyunderpants
Argh. Too busy. Try “Stephen Hockingmyunderpants.” Works with the eBay crowd.
celticgirl said,
January 17, 2007 at 10:52
Isn’t it obvious? Biggus Dickus (Goldy will just LOVE that one!)
tb said,
January 17, 2007 at 11:13
Eupenis?
FiniFinito said,
January 17, 2007 at 11:42
Roman naming will just confuse em. Don’t go that route unless you feel like baffling them. How about you just shorten it to Montalban, go with the single word name, dropping the offensive Retardo and yet maintaining your name somewhat. Besides, the one word blogger name works, see TBogg, Atrios, TRex, etc.
Gavin M said,
January 17, 2007 at 11:46
Leftco Dollar. I know it’s lame, but I just got up for a V8 and I see this.
I’m glad you decided to stop mocking the mentally challenged though. I’m thinking of changing my name, to Stabbin Gavin. Cool, huh? Makes me seem tuff and stuff, don’t you think?
Or maybe I might just use my legal name, Gary Ruppert.
I dunno, but if you change your name, I’m changing mine too. I’m not gonna be outdone by you, hairdo.
kingubu said,
January 17, 2007 at 12:57
If you must change it, I suggest Ronald Reagan
Some Guy said,
January 17, 2007 at 13:14
Donald Reagan? It would drive the nuts wild and also have a connecting with Lovable Scamp Donald Duck.
anonymous said,
January 17, 2007 at 13:22
Here’s one, guaranteed to give them the vapors every time:
Dr. Deborah Frisch
Doc Nebula said,
January 17, 2007 at 13:25
Dude,
Seriously. I know I don’t have much capital on this site, but I do know something about dealing with trolls (I’ll spare you the links, but believe me, I have a great deal of experience with this) and the first and only rule of dealing with trolls is that classic bit of nonsense non-Latin: non illegitimus carborundum — don’t let the bastards grind you down.
You’re letting them in your head. You kinda have to, I grant; it’s the gig you’ve chosen… but having let them in your head, you are also allowing them to shit all over your cerebral furniture and piss in your mental broadloom. Or, to put it another way, you’re letting the bastards get you down. Don’t. Do. It.
Don’t change your name. Fuck them. You seriously expect to ever win any argument with a troll, especially a fucktard dipshit dumbass right wing conservative Republican tongue up Bush’s ass “I’ve never been right about one single goddam thing in my life besides the fact that Kathy O’Connell won’t go with me to the prom if I ask her, but still, I never have to admit that and I still get to go on TV and get my books published anyway” troll? That’s nuts.
You cannot win an argument with a troll. They are never wrong. If they are wrong, you are wronger. Do you honestly expect these people to ever, ever, EVER say to you “Hey, you’re right, buddy, we’re assholes and we always have been assholes and we have no credibility and you guys should just run the world and make it a better place and we’ll just be quiet and pay our taxes?” That’s insane. If you think about it, you KNOW it’s insane. When you get into this never ending battle, you have to know it’s a never ending battle, or at least, it isn’t going to end with them ever publicly admitting to defeat. They can’t do it. They are congenitally incapable of admitting that they are wrong, they are incorrect, their actions have consequences, they should be ashamed and make recompense or at least shut the fuck up and go away. They can’t do this. They have to make endless excuses, and, sure, you’re giving them an excuse with your chosen pseud, but you think by changing it you’ll undermine them? Hell, no.
Do not give in to them. ‘Retardo Montalban’ is an awesome psued, the joke is on them and always has been, they are not your peers or your equals and YOU MUST NOT LISTEN TO THEM. You are giving them far too much power over you. It’s obvious your pseud bothers them, so keep ramming it up their collective conservative troll asses.
And cheer the fuck up. You guys often piss me off, but I hit this site 18 times a day, and guess what? So do the fucking conservative trolls. That should be tribute enough.
Do not let those assholes lift a glass of Diet Coke to your defeat. You are Retardo Montalban. You bring it. Continue doing so.
fabbo said,
January 17, 2007 at 13:28
Ronald O’Reagano? As you can tell, coming up with pseudonyms ain’t my speciality.
M.Sphinx said,
January 17, 2007 at 13:33
Jesse Malkin.
M.Sphinx said,
January 17, 2007 at 13:36
VOILA. In view, a humble vaudevillian veteran, cast vicariously as both victim and villain by the vicissitudes of Fate. This visage, no mere veneer of vanity, is a vestige of the vox populi, now vacant, vanished. However, this valorous visitation of a bygone vexation stands vivified, and has vowed to vanquish these venal and virulent vermin vanguarding vice and vouchsafing the violent, vicious, and voracious violation of volition. The only verdict is vengeance. A vendetta, held as votive, not in vain, for the value and veracity of such shall one day vindicate the vigilant and virtuous. Yet verily, this vichyssoise of verbiage veers most verbose, so let me simply add that it is in my very good honor to meet you, and you may call me V.
Major Woody said,
January 17, 2007 at 14:00
It is quite a conundrum, Retardo, and I share your dilemna! I have been considering a pseudonyn-change for a while (I found that some righty war-monger who is not me uses Major Woody on the fascist blogs, ugh!). I’ve got dibs on Hugh Jass, just in case you were thinkiing about it,
If you think a more serious nom-de-blog will serve you better in your battles with the wingnuts, then we’re right behind you. However, for one particular foe, would you mind posting with the name Dick Slapper?
Sincerely,
Hugh Jass, formerly Major Woody
Nim, ham hock of liberty said,
January 17, 2007 at 14:29
Atrikos?
D. Sidhe said,
January 17, 2007 at 14:44
Some Guy and Major Woody, I will be terribly crushed if either of you change your names. And Retardo, longevity can give a name the sort of gravitas it might lack on its own. I’ve been D. Sidhe for a couple decades now, online and off, everywhere but on the government forms, and while, sure, it was originally a stupid in-joke, it has earned, if not respect, then at least some recognition among people who have no lives and probably think I’m someone else anyway.
Keep your name! The right will always be more shallow than you can possibly defeat. If you started using your legal name tomorrow, they’d start mocking that, too, and pretending you were unwilling to stand by anything you’ve written under the old one. Why let ‘em have the satisfaction?
ifthethunderdontgetyaâ„¢ said,
January 17, 2007 at 14:48
You know, Major Woody, I have been assured by family members that there actually is an army major named Woody. Or there was, at least a few years ago.
As for the name change, Monsieur Montalban, they’re not going to behave any differently no matter what handle you use. At this late state in this disatrous debacle of a Maladministration, only hard core Kool Aid drinkers are still spouting the propaganda.
Jeff Fecke said,
January 17, 2007 at 15:04
Holden McGroin might work. Also Heywood Jablome.
If all else fails, though, go with Adam Yoshida.
Kevin K. said,
January 17, 2007 at 15:10
My pick would be “Kenny Loggins” but never ever “Jim Messina.”
He really sucked.
Charlotte Smith said,
January 17, 2007 at 15:13
Benjamin Nowhere. Or Aubrey McFate.
Col. Klink said,
January 17, 2007 at 15:14
Lush Rimjob = my Rightwing alter ego.
LA Confidential Pantload said,
January 17, 2007 at 15:14
What about Don Caganer - Masked Avenger of the Internet Tubes?
Jay C. said,
January 17, 2007 at 15:26
Gene, Gene, the Bloggin’ Machine?
Mr. Mordant said,
January 17, 2007 at 15:26
What Doc Nebula said. You ought to be aiming to convince a (potentially imaginary) undecided bystander with your arguments, not the other side itself. These aren’t just arguments to them, they’re an essential part of their identity, and as such, you have about as much chance of logically convincing them to amputate a body part.
If you do change it just ’cause you want to, though, I’ll take the opportunity to do the same. I’m kinda tired of this one.
(Jeff - Heywood Jablome is already taken.)
Freshly Squeezed Cynic said,
January 17, 2007 at 15:40
Donald Reagan
He is an original wingnut, like Wichelle Walkin or Gaye, Krogan.
verplanck colvin said,
January 17, 2007 at 15:40
I don’t think that you will get ground down any slower if you change your name. Changing your name will prove to them that they got you on that point. The trolls/pasty/marble douchebag will still call you Retardo Montalban, maybe they’ll strikethrough it and replace it with your new name. Oh so very clever.
You’ll always be RM to me.
Seanly said,
January 17, 2007 at 15:55
Unserious? Then go for a serious sounding name!
Baron Vladimir Harkonnen ~ ya got royalty, it’s also foreign sounding, but a tough foreign, not a Frenchy foreign
or the name of his current incarnation, Dick Fucking Cheney
or you could be lame & try to make an adverb out of a perfectly good first name. (that wasn’t my intent, my stepfather used to call me Seanly & I like it)
Poopyman said,
January 17, 2007 at 16:16
“George E.W. Bush”. They seem to take everything HE says seriously, so why not?
But who would ever listen to somebody who goes by “Poopyman”?
flawedplan said,
January 17, 2007 at 16:18
There’s more to this than meets the eye. It’s not just wingers and trolls who have a feeling about the Retardo name, I’ve seen prominent lefties criticize it, among them Chris at Creek Running North, and even I have been called on the carpet at my silly little disability blog for praising Sadly, No. I’m no champion of ridicule based on mental disability but I do subject myself to it in order to toughen up and because it makes me look beneath the surface to the heart of the person making fun, which I think is a good practice. Retardo’s heart is lovely, all the guys here are deceptively mean, so for that pomo twist alone I kind of hope it stays. Of course that’s just one opinion, and you must consider the source…
Harry Cheddar said,
January 17, 2007 at 16:28
Roarke Cordoba.
Republic of Palau said,
January 17, 2007 at 16:29
In memory of
Dan Riehlthe third-stupidest winger in Christendom, how about Damn Real, or some euphonious variation thereol?General Woundwort said,
January 17, 2007 at 16:29
I vote for saying “screw them” and sticking with Retardo Montalban.
If you must change, I have two suggestions
R-Monty (the Sean Combs variant)
Retardo’ Montalban’ (the Marie’ Jon’ variant’)
Jas said,
January 17, 2007 at 16:34
I’m also gonna have to vote to keep it. Yes, I do periodically cringe internally at how much I appreciate your pseudonym, as un-PC as it is, but just last night I was commenting to my wife, for what must be the fifth time, just how much I enjoy the friction between well-written, intense, passionate screeds against the Reich, written under your pen name.
I think you’re stuck with it, man.
Thers said,
January 17, 2007 at 16:35
“Mertardo Rontalban.”
Silver Owl said,
January 17, 2007 at 16:51
Keep the moniker Retardo.
The right wingnuttery, after their utterly dismal performance and superb failure, for the last 6 years, have zero credibility. Zip, zero, zilch, nada, none.
moonbiter said,
January 17, 2007 at 16:59
“Alexander Trajan Constantine Cincinnatius Belasarius” because if you want to be taken serious, you need a name with serious gravity.
moonbiter said,
January 17, 2007 at 17:01
Oh, also, you need to tag “the Great” on the end of that or no one will take you seriously.
Jeff Fecke said,
January 17, 2007 at 17:17
Here are some possibilities:
A BLATANT RED MORON
BANANA MOLD RETORT
ROTTEN ROB MANDALA
LORD BETTOR MANANA
BADMAN RANT LOOTER
ALDERMAN TAN ROBOT
BAD ANAL TORMENTOR
MARBLED ANNOTATOR
jayarbee said,
January 17, 2007 at 17:26
You’re welcome to the pseudonym I used when I tried to break into stand-up comedy in the ’80s: Jandy Best. I didn’t make it, but the name tested well.
Other favorite concoctions of mine, now available, include: Hollingsworth Sylvester Barrister XIV, Cixelsyd Dog, Genre Izquierda
Also available, since I seldom use it, is my real name. Email for particulars..:)
Righteous Bubba said,
January 17, 2007 at 17:28
How about Mr. October? In it y’got vanity, baseball, and revolution.
HemlockEcho said,
January 17, 2007 at 17:31
What ever it is, it should end with an apostrophe.
Marked Hoosier said,
January 17, 2007 at 17:41
Reagan Montalban maybe?
Dan Someone said,
January 17, 2007 at 17:50
I tend to agree that if your purpose is to seem more serious to the wingtards, you can’t possibly succeed. If, however, you are angling to be taken more seriously by the small subset of the MSM that pays attention to political bloggers, I agree that “Retardo Montalban” is a stumbling block. (I imagine “real journalists” would have trouble quoting “Retardo Montalban.”)
Anyway, though it won’t help you with that particular problem, I give you permission to use the pseudonym that I have, on rare occasions in the distant past, used: Abner Malotty.
Righteous Bubba said,
January 17, 2007 at 17:58
Awlay Rofessorpay
pessullivan said,
January 17, 2007 at 18:08
I like “Evangenital”.
J— said,
January 17, 2007 at 18:09
Eschaton has Blogroll Amnesty Day and Sadly, No! has Pseudonym Retirement Day. Such an exciting time to be online.
Whatever name you choose, use Debbie Schlussel’s picture. She won’t mind.
baxter said,
January 17, 2007 at 18:09
Gerald Fnord.
Gavin M. said,
January 17, 2007 at 18:11
I’ve always wanted there to be a writer named Abe Igpu, so that I could reference him and be like, “Yet some critics disagree: Take Abe Igpu.”
PaulG said,
January 17, 2007 at 18:13
Remark Lenard?
Harcourt Fenton Mudd?
Hairy Bean Stanton?
Tobias said,
January 17, 2007 at 18:13
Mofonius Rex?
billy pilgrim said,
January 17, 2007 at 18:14
Y’got my sympathies Retardo
In the recent Tucker Carlson dust-up, I suddenly found I had to change my pseudonym, since it was shortened to TC and there’s no WAY I wanted to be mistaken for that chowderloaf.
As you can see, I’m no good at picking the pseuds either.
I say you go with RetardoAngel.
Gavin M. said,
January 17, 2007 at 18:16
…And of course there’s the Japanese essayist, Takeshi Tonyu.
I have a Word file somewhere with a list of literally 200 of these, none of which helps ‘Tardo at all in the present circumstance.
Bill said,
January 17, 2007 at 18:16
Ricardo Montalmentallychallenged
John Smith
PaulG said,
January 17, 2007 at 18:17
Or possibly…
Moniker Pending.
Tom Allen said,
January 17, 2007 at 18:19
If you must change, you can always go the random route. Pick, say, an adjective and a noun at random until you come up with a name you like. For example….
Adequate Wombat
Sure-fire Mittens
Dubious Wicker
Harried Potato
You get the idea. It also works for punk bands and military actions.
knaverupe said,
January 17, 2007 at 18:24
Something with more gravity, eh? I suggest
“Black Hole A0620-00”
Or, if you can’t resist self-deferentially thumbing your nose at your o-so-unworthy adversaries, then
“Brown Hole A0620-00″
works too.
Gavin M. said,
January 17, 2007 at 18:30
Tex Filer
HTML Mencken
Cassius Belli
kdaddy said,
January 17, 2007 at 18:35
I used the Martini Twins a couple of times but you’re welcome to have it
if only until something better comes along.
Marita said,
January 17, 2007 at 18:37
I am shocked and dismayed that no one has suggested Max Power yet.
Phallo Centric said,
January 17, 2007 at 18:45
How about a 6th grade classic: Jack Mehoff? Or Richard Head? The great ones never go out of style.
Righteous Bubba said,
January 17, 2007 at 18:47
Homo Irockita
Gavin M. said,
January 17, 2007 at 18:52
Stephen Den Wurste
masterfaculty said,
January 17, 2007 at 18:53
Screw them. I say keep the name. Unless, as someone else pointed out before, you are trying to gain some sort of recognition with the media. In which case, may suggest Kill Bristol. But, you know if you are doing this just to appease the ‘nuttersphere, they will chalk it up as a victory and will use your old name anyway.
Righteous Bubba said,
January 17, 2007 at 18:54
Habeas Dorkus
Otto Man said,
January 17, 2007 at 18:56
L. Gordon Giddy.
Seitz said,
January 17, 2007 at 18:58
I think you should start calling yourself David Nieporent. Just something I made up.
Righteous Bubba said,
January 17, 2007 at 18:59
William Redquist
Harry Cheddar said,
January 17, 2007 at 19:00
Lord Hackton
Righteous Bubba said,
January 17, 2007 at 19:03
AJP Gaylord
Jeremy's Iron said,
January 17, 2007 at 19:07
Bend Sinister (all Nabokov phrases should be considered)
Phineas Q. Throgsbottom
Allan Bloom’s Eromenos
The Sane Kagan
For Great Justice
Harry Cheddar said,
January 17, 2007 at 19:08
Duncan Chartreuse
Jeremy's Iron said,
January 17, 2007 at 19:08
BTW, doesn’t Pantload look like the Numa Numa Yea
guy in that pic?
a cranny mint said,
January 17, 2007 at 19:10
May I suggest an anagram of Retardo Montalban?
A BANAL ROD MEN TROT
A BANAL ROD MEN TORT
A BANAL ROD TORMENT
A BLATANT RED MORON
A BARMAN RETOLD NOT
A BANTAM LORD TONER
A BANTAM LORD TENOR
A ANAL BRED TOM TORN
A MANTRA BLOOD RENT
A MANTRA BLOOD TERN
http://wordsmith.org/anagram/anagram.cgi?anagram=retardo+montalban
Righteous Bubba said,
January 17, 2007 at 19:11
Axis of Weevils
knaverupe said,
January 17, 2007 at 19:14
how about:
Mercutio Bollocks?
Johnny Cthulhupants?
Rex Quantum?
Reverend Sun Myung Moonpies?
M.I. Complex?
Harry Cheddar said,
January 17, 2007 at 19:15
Victor Davis Handjob
a cranny mint said,
January 17, 2007 at 19:16
I should have read all the comments first. I see someone got the anagram idea before I did.My favorites are:
A BLATANT RED MORON
ROTTEN ROB MANDALA
NobodySpecial said,
January 17, 2007 at 19:19
Alexander Troutman.
Gavin M. said,
January 17, 2007 at 19:21
(all Nabokov phrases should be considered)
Pnin Diaz
Righteous Bubba said,
January 17, 2007 at 19:22
Substance McGravitas
Righteous Bubba said,
January 17, 2007 at 19:23
Serious O’Thoughtful
Righteous Bubba said,
January 17, 2007 at 19:24
Major General Respectable Van Yesiagree
Snorghagen said,
January 17, 2007 at 19:26
J. Beresford Gpixtzlnik
Vito Corleone
Oliver Kloesov
The Mighty Love Worm
Lark Drywall
Splegg
Fungal Lump
Harry Cheddar said,
January 17, 2007 at 19:27
Cooter Jones.
Gavin M. said,
January 17, 2007 at 19:29
The Sino-Vietnamese poet, Wihei Tieu.
Dilapidus said,
January 17, 2007 at 19:30
What’s wrong with lofty Latinate names?
Signed, Dilapidus
Lune said,
January 17, 2007 at 19:32
Tardtoo?
Herve Villechaiselounge?
Tran Coulter? (for that Asian spice)
Col. Klink said,
January 17, 2007 at 19:32
When in doubt, go with the classics!
I. P. Freely
Righteous Bubba said,
January 17, 2007 at 19:33
History’s Greatest Munster
mikey said,
January 17, 2007 at 19:37
In “Another Roadside Attraction”, there was a character named Marx Marvelous. The dude chose the name because it represented the two things white american males hated moste - Marx for Communism and “Marvelous” for homosexuality. I’m pretty sure Robbins wouldn’t mind if you adopted ol’ Marx’s appelation…
mikey
Pope Nixon said,
January 17, 2007 at 19:39
I second the guy who suggested Gerald Fnord. If not that, then Harold Lord Randomfactor.
Gavin M. said,
January 17, 2007 at 19:41
Theodor Adorknob
Gergen Habermas
Otto Man said,
January 17, 2007 at 19:41
The Chinese foreign minister, Hu Yoo Bang.
Gavin M. said,
January 17, 2007 at 19:44
Sum Yung Gai
Gavin M. said,
January 17, 2007 at 19:45
Sum Dum Prik
mextremsit said,
January 17, 2007 at 19:46
i say stay ethnic, it certainly gave retardo montalban that je ne se qoi…
jesus-with-an-h
Jorge Arbusto
Benito Camela (ven y tócamela)
garaldo ruperto
Ron P Melos Wevos
carvis jocker?
Gavin M. said,
January 17, 2007 at 19:47
Yukio Mishigas
Gavin M. said,
January 17, 2007 at 19:48
…I’m telling you, I have like 200 of these in a Word file somewhere, God knows why.
teh l4m3 said,
January 17, 2007 at 19:52
I’m thinking of changing my name, to Stabbin Gavin. Cool, huh? Makes me seem tuff and stuff, don’t you think?
Actually, it makes you seem like a Garbage Pail Kid…
Dorothy said,
January 17, 2007 at 19:56
Gene, Gene, the Bloggin’ Machine
Wow! A professor at my college was “Gene, Gene, the Teaching Machine”–coincidence?
Gerald Fnord.
I like this one, especially considering Robert Anton Wilson’s recent passing.
I also cast my vote for Biggus Dickus or even Thimon the Thadducees Thtrangler.
For funny puns, cartoon villains from Darkwing Duck or TaleSpin or Rescue Rangers are fertile ground. Also, Old Ambush Bug comics if you can find them.
For serious work, I usually go to mythos and pick epithets of appropriate characters, usually in the original language.
Righteous Bubba said,
January 17, 2007 at 19:56
A Boy Named Francine
Dorothy said,
January 17, 2007 at 19:59
Oooh…given your penchant for long posts, how about Commodore Borington?
(Nothing personal: we’re watching Pirates on a snow day…)
Harry Cheddar said,
January 17, 2007 at 20:00
Sioux C. Chapstick
Gory Rupert said,
January 17, 2007 at 20:00
John Norepente
Righteous Bubba said,
January 17, 2007 at 20:03
Cookies for Everyone!
or maybe
I Like Pie!
General Woundwort said,
January 17, 2007 at 20:09
According to the Pirate Name Generator, you should choose:
Bad-Rum Finn
Mafia Name Generator:
Leo Chainsaw
Gangsta Name:
Ribbed-cock Whacka
Taxi Driver name:
Masturbaba Sanders
Significant other Pet Name (??)
Sweet Anus (??????)
British name generator:
Rupert Callaghan
Fairy name generator:
Raindrop Petal Fountain
Hippie name generator:
Heart Mariana
Japanese name generator:
Keitaro Momotani
etc said,
January 17, 2007 at 20:10
You shouldn’t give into these twads, retardo, but if your heart is set on a name change, it definitely should be an upgrade. Someone mentioned Benjamin Nowhere, which i liked a lot. Its got a whole heavily armed cyperpunk drug dealer vibe to it.
Or, you know, Tacitus could be pretty funny.
Bloggofascist said,
January 17, 2007 at 20:14
Dude… don’t let them define you.
I would let Retardo Montalban do my taxes. I’d buy a used car from him. Its a brand name that reeks of cleverness (or maybe bad whiskey).
Do you really care that they dismiss your work? They will dismiss it anyway, no matter the name. And what’s more fun than schooling the self-important faux-educated wingnuts as Retardo Montalban?
You’ve got a solid brand name with the people who matter (irony…ok, that don’t matter, but don’t matter in a way that matters).
Retardo for life!
Gavin M. said,
January 17, 2007 at 20:14
Aidan Abettor
Or, to annoy Tacitus, ‘Roman Patronym’
Chairman Meow said,
January 17, 2007 at 20:17
Rigoletto Hamlet Oppenheimer McTragicmat; or
Buck Uppen Keeptheoldnameanddon’tletthetrollsgetchadown.
The last one’s Welsh, of course.
M.Sphinx said,
January 17, 2007 at 20:20
Nelson Muntz.
Brendan said,
January 17, 2007 at 20:20
Ron Po’Peel
Bloggofascist said,
January 17, 2007 at 20:20
But, if you must, I bequeath to you my ultimate classic rock cover band name…. Denim Messiah
Harry Cheddar said,
January 17, 2007 at 20:24
Gay:
Rob Bottoms
Richard Goblin
Mo Bates
D. Zell Butz
Porn:
Rod Johnson (you know, like a penis)
Buster Hymen (the jewish porn star)
Archie Mucusload (nice visual)
Actual Names from our mailing lists:
Candy Samples
Buster Ball
Todd Fartinger
Gavin M. said,
January 17, 2007 at 20:24
The historian of Irish/Syrian/Italian/German heritage, ‘Declan Infalla DeRoma Nemper.’
Righteous Bubba said,
January 17, 2007 at 20:26
I once worked in a warehouse and we received lots of books.
A stoner there spent a lot of time looking at the phone list for a guy called Harcourt Brace because there was a box for him.
Righteous Bubba said,
January 17, 2007 at 20:28
Chuck U. Farley
Principal Blackman said,
January 17, 2007 at 20:34
Avant Tard
Pornelius
Righteous Bubba said,
January 17, 2007 at 20:36
Iron Fistula
atlasien said,
January 17, 2007 at 20:36
Clamp the Mighty Limpet
Gavin M. said,
January 17, 2007 at 20:37
Tardacus
Gavin M. said,
January 17, 2007 at 20:39
Gaius Pornelius Tacitus
(Author of the Anals and the Hysteries.)
atlasien said,
January 17, 2007 at 20:45
Odius Asparagus
Varius Flavus
Sadly No said,
January 17, 2007 at 20:46
How about Ann Elkhouse?
tb said,
January 17, 2007 at 20:52
Good one! Maybe make that ‘Substancy’.
I think an earlier poster was onto something with the ‘Rex’ thing- Uranus Rex is all I could come up with so far.
spencer said,
January 17, 2007 at 20:53
I vote for “Uncle Fister.”
Because if you don’t take it, I’m going to go back to using it.
Retardo Montalban said,
January 17, 2007 at 21:03
OMG I havent made it through the list yet but ‘Victor Davis Handjob’ made me spew my beverage. This thread is hilarious,
M.Sphinx said,
January 17, 2007 at 21:26
Tony Hancock, the man with four body parts in his name.
Prudence Goodwife said,
January 17, 2007 at 21:27
Jesus F.(ucking) Christ
Righteous Bubba said,
January 17, 2007 at 21:32
Red and Expert
R. V. Dump said,
January 17, 2007 at 21:43
Stu Pendasdork
Hugh G. Rection
Miles Longue
k. d. jelly
Righteous Bubba said,
January 17, 2007 at 21:49
The Man from Nantucket
D. Sidhe said,
January 17, 2007 at 21:50
I support “Gerald Fnord”, “Moniker Pending”, and the Disney villain thing. Consider “Reginald Bushroot”.
Moniker Pending may be my favorite. You could even be Sir Moniker Pending, Esq.
There’s already a Max Power hanging around, btw. Possibly at The Poor Man.
Kathy said,
January 17, 2007 at 21:55
Homer Simpson changed his name to “Max Power”, and was an immediate success. Try it! Or then there is “Billary”
Harry Cheddar said,
January 17, 2007 at 21:56
Fresh from today’s mailing list:
Rex Doom (I shit you not).
Seattle Slough said,
January 17, 2007 at 21:59
Changing it now does seem pointless. The argument goes from “this from a guy who calls himself Retardo Moltalban” to “this from a guy who used to go by the name …”
What’s the difference?
Didn’t work for Prince. Ain’t gonna work for you. Unless you want to just kill the character and just begin anew as a new guy completely.
But if you insist, how about Ace of Hoes?
Davis X. Machina said,
January 17, 2007 at 22:00
Horst Schmidt.
(I actually met him once.)
Helmut Leiner.
Dan Someone said,
January 17, 2007 at 22:12
Hey, speaking of Prince, how about just a made-up meaningless symbol? And/or you could be the Blogger Formerly Called Retardo Montalban, or BFCRM (pronounced “beef cream,” of course).
I vote for Beef Cream.
Nancy in Detroit said,
January 17, 2007 at 22:15
Gunga Dim.
Seriously, please reconsider the name change, for all the reasons listed previously.
Nancy in Detroit said,
January 17, 2007 at 22:18
At my first office job, we had a client named Harry Pussey. His wife’s name was Rosie.
Brando said,
January 17, 2007 at 22:19
Cox A. Slappin (inspired by Pasty)
Ronnie Reagan James Dio
Tucker of Orange
Baron Regnery von Buttlich
Lesley said,
January 17, 2007 at 22:27
I’ll be sad to see the end of Retardo Montalban. I think you should keep it. Maybe adding a middle initial would throw them off.
chiggins said,
January 17, 2007 at 22:34
Macaca Yapeepee
theophylact said,
January 17, 2007 at 22:39
Reg Uspatoff.
Righteous Bubba said,
January 17, 2007 at 22:49
Nostrildamus
Righteous Bubba said,
January 17, 2007 at 22:50
Macaca Yapeepee
I vote for this one.
Righteous Bubba said,
January 17, 2007 at 23:05
John Q. Pubic
Righteous Bubba said,
January 17, 2007 at 23:08
The Sound and the Furry
Joe Bivens said,
January 17, 2007 at 23:12
You can use Joe Bivens if the price is right.
digamma said,
January 17, 2007 at 23:19
I think changing your name would be a show of weakness. Stand proud!
Doodah said,
January 17, 2007 at 23:42
The suggestion to drop one of the names was good, so how about just Retardo? Oh, wait…
I’d wanted to suggest Milhouse Van Houten, but that probably won’t achieve your credibility goal either.
Perhaps the answer lies in your post. Donny Karobatsos? Walter Sobchak, perhaps? Or Gavin might be onto something with Roman Patronym. That has a very nice ring to it.
Dick Mountjoy said,
January 17, 2007 at 23:51
Excuse me, did one of you just call for me?
Jeremy's Iron said,
January 17, 2007 at 23:52
“Theodor Adorknob
Gergen Habermas ”
Damn, Gavin, you got the rebound, led the break, but
missed the layup…
Max Dorkheimer
Foobarski said,
January 17, 2007 at 23:56
Chris Larry Cordoba
Richard Corinthianleather
Or perhaps just KHAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Jeremy's Iron said,
January 17, 2007 at 23:58
A glyph. Then book some radio interviews…
“We’re here with the blogger formerly known as Retardo Montalban. Um, welcome–”
“Thanks for having me, Judy.”
Gloria Throckmorton said,
January 17, 2007 at 23:58
Don’t forget the other two monikers Homer Simpson presented to the name change judge:
Handsome B. Wonderful
Rembrandt Q. Einstein
Righteous Bubba said,
January 18, 2007 at 0:00
Corinthian Leatherneck
Sadly No said,
January 18, 2007 at 0:06
Nukom Lucom
I’m too Retardo
Hobo McCheaper Craps
Righteous Bubba said,
January 18, 2007 at 0:15
Shoelimpy
mextremist said,
January 18, 2007 at 0:45
tardacus!!!
oh my god, i havent laughed this hard since that video with the guy yelling “dumbledore dies” to the throngs encamped waiting for the harry potter book….
the duke of ill
wanton calamite
bubba beanerbane
blakunin crunkpotkin
Jay C. said,
January 18, 2007 at 1:08
Islam O’Fascist.
Jas said,
January 18, 2007 at 1:16
Okay, so I said not to change, but this game is too much fun.
Sir Alec Genius
Bertha Betternyoo
Lord Inacton
George Wilt
Asparagus Spears (the name we were all hoping for for Britney’s baby, round my house)
Nim, ham hock of liberty said,
January 18, 2007 at 1:25
Retardo Hussein Montalban
Jas said,
January 18, 2007 at 1:29
Pythagoras Jackson
chris said,
January 18, 2007 at 1:44
Scurve Villechaize?
W. Kiernan said,
January 18, 2007 at 1:57
My suggestion would be either Lars Powderdry or Jack Bohlen. I already used Johnny Ambiguous and Johhny Sententious so you don’t want those.
Twisted_Colour said,
January 18, 2007 at 1:59
Russ Ryder!!!
Charlotte Smith said,
January 18, 2007 at 2:32
Even if Retardo doesn’t change his name, this is an awesome thread.
And, for everyone’s reading pleasure, the Canonical List of Weird Band Names:
http://sam.hochberg.com/bandname.html
H.R. Puffenstuff said,
January 18, 2007 at 2:46
Another couple of Simpsons names:
Slime Q. Slimedog
Gabbo
Righteous Bubba said,
January 18, 2007 at 2:52
The Great White “HELP!”
Righteous Bubba said,
January 18, 2007 at 2:59
Land of 1000 Dunces
PaulG said,
January 18, 2007 at 3:20
Herme Villacheese, which translates as…
Herman Cheesehouse.
But I got to put in another vote for Gerald Fnord. Hands Down Too Damn Brilliant. Somebody has got to use it.
ifthethunderdontgetya³² said,
January 18, 2007 at 3:28
Garagdus Ruppertus
Smiling Mortician said,
January 18, 2007 at 3:34
RM, please don’t change unless you really want do. Don’t let the asshats pressure you. That said, of the above suggestions, I heartily support Substance McGravitas.
If you’re aiming for truth in advertising, I suggest using a foreign language to tell it like it is: La Izquierda, La Gauche, or La Sinistra.
Or you could always just use your real name: Wycan Twee B. Rieznable.
Smiling Mortician said,
January 18, 2007 at 3:35
Um. “do” = “to”
I had a hard day at work
calling all toasters said,
January 18, 2007 at 3:39
Dittohead Montalban.
Doc Nebula said,
January 18, 2007 at 4:38
I still think you shouldn’t change your name. But if you’re going to, well, how about eschewing political references entirely and going for something even more basic, like… I dunno… Dork Diggler? Or Rick Blame? Son of Spam? Or, to continue with an already established theme… Pinin’ for the Fnords?
Nah. Keep Retardo. It’s a way cool name. If you ditch it, I may have to steal it.
Anne Laurie said,
January 18, 2007 at 4:40
If you’re just tired of the Reichtards, remember that we will always love you no matter how you sign your posts, and neither we nor they will ever forget the Retardo past anyways.
But you could use RMontalban if you’re going for the MSM-Gravitas market. When the Wingtards tried to bait you, you could tell them you’d changed the first part to ‘Reagan’ and then decided spelling it out was disrespectful to the Alzheimers community. Because irony is beyond their grasp, possibly a few troll heads would explode (with a tiny wet *piff* like a kleenex tearing).
Or you could use RWhitemountain, and if anyone complained, you could cite the long tradition of de-ethnicizing one’s patronym in order to Go Hollywood {g}. For gravitas, mention Lord Mountbatten.
Although LORD BETTER MANANA has… possibilities… too.
And if you’re just looking for something Extremely Non-Specific, back in the dim geological past my housemates came up with “Lesley Hobart” as the most context-free name imaginable. I doubt any of them would mind you taking it as your own, since they’d probably all enjoy your writing.
Jas said,
January 18, 2007 at 5:14
The last poster reminded me of my own college days. I roomed with a bunch of SubGeniuses. They decided that, when they wanted to subscribe to something for the house, you know any “free trials” or the like, without associating their own name with any of the junk mail houses of the day, they would choose one name and keep using it. The name they chose is entirely up for grabs, so far as I know, so if you’re interested, Bob X. Crusade is all yours.
chimera said,
January 18, 2007 at 5:15
I don’t have any original ideas, but I like Gerald Fnord — a double whammy. I like Moniker Pending, Esq., too. (Sorry, too pedantic to go with “Sir…, Esq., which is heraldically incorrect. I’m such a geek.)
P.S. to D. Sidhe: Dunno ’bout anyone else, but my weirdo brain always reads your nom as “Dishy.” ;)
Doc Washboard said,
January 18, 2007 at 5:20
I’m casting my first vote for staying with Retardo Montalban. If not that, then, as suggested above, Retardo Hussein Montalban.
I might also suggest:
Faith Everlast
Rich Corinthian
Demogenes Aristophanes said,
January 18, 2007 at 5:44
Grimprudent McSeriousadult, Professional Grown-up
Smiling Mortician said,
January 18, 2007 at 6:28
Upon further reflection, I suggest Smedley.
I often cite Smedley in my comments — he’s the god of whatever is germane, e.g. Smedley the god of Rationales, Smedley the god of Evil Genius, or Smedley the god of Smoked Sausage.
Go with Smedley, Retardo.
Smiling Mortician said,
January 18, 2007 at 6:33
P.S. to D. Sidhe: Dunno ’bout anyone else, but my weirdo brain always reads your nom as “Dishy.�
Hey, chimera, I’m the same way. Although I always inner-pronounce D. Sidhe as “Dee-sid-heh,” I find myself doing other weird interior monologues — with FMguru being “Eff Maguru” instead of “Eff Em Guru,” for example. Righteous Bubba is, of course, Righteous Bubba. Some things are classic.
Cyan said,
January 18, 2007 at 6:42
Pervé Villechaize.
Snorghagen said,
January 18, 2007 at 7:02
This is still going on?
Eddie Vulture
Emperor Guido
Ramalamadingdong
Spiro Gerbilmeister
Mad Dog Lubowski
Victorious Sweat
One-Eye Ramos
Osama Stalin, Jr.
Knute Gargoyle
Seriously, you ought to stick with Retardo Montalbon…
Hanna Barbarossa said,
January 18, 2007 at 7:14
I dunno. Seems a bit cartoonish.
Trixie Belden said,
January 18, 2007 at 7:58
Well, I’d become rather fond of “Retardo Montalban” as a pseudonym, but if you’re going for MSM-Gravitas market (and really, your posts do deserve it) a change may be in order. Hmmm…..maybe something like Ambrose Pierced?
Ann Alt.countryhouse said,
January 18, 2007 at 8:04
I like Stalwart Whiteman.
Anne Althausâ„¢ said,
January 18, 2007 at 8:05
Anne Althausâ„¢ is free. To a good home.
Gentlewoman said,
January 18, 2007 at 8:10
I like Retardo Montalban. I think it’s a lovely nym. Especially when you can do the Retardeau thing with it.
If you’re tired of it, that’s one thing, but I sure as hell wouldn’t change it because of a bunch of right wing moronic fuckwits.
And whoever suggested Richard Goblin, I believe there is a Richard Goblin commenting at Steve Gilliard’s.
Lesley said,
January 18, 2007 at 8:16
A name that can generate 203 comments is one worth keeping.
Doodah said,
January 18, 2007 at 8:24
Bubba nailed it. If you don’t take Substance McGravitas, one of us probably will.
Retardo Montalban said,
January 18, 2007 at 8:36
Gah. So many good suggestions, many of them genius, I dunno what to do. Meanwhile, Adam’s made the Pasty Comment Generator which I need to craft phrases for, and I’m all excited about getting my kicks in on the pro-war liberals whose teeth are suddenly, invitingly, showing.
I’ll make a decision by Monday.
Righteous Bubba said,
January 18, 2007 at 9:34
The Puffington Host
Charlotte | Comment on What’s My Name? by Charlotte Smith said,
January 18, 2007 at 9:34
[...] More:unknown View blog reactions Charlotte Newsvine:Charlotte January 17th,2007+Freshness [...]
Tehanu said,
January 18, 2007 at 11:18
Retardo Hussein Montalban, if you don’t just keep it. Substance McGravitas and Rich Corinthian are good too. As for classics, what’s wrong with Rufus T. Firefly?
Freshly Squeezed Cynic said,
January 18, 2007 at 14:37
Phil Phuckley.
Sen. Sybil Librall.
Milton Freidwang.
Those are all terrible, however, so I vote for Retardo Hussain Montalban. Maybe you could make it Retardeau again, cos it’s French and therefore the most evil thing ever.
Richard said,
January 18, 2007 at 17:57
I suppose “I. Jack Hoff” would be unprofessional.
Hoosier Daddy said,
January 18, 2007 at 19:57
Whatcha MacCallum
Aristides St. McCain
Holden Moy Owen
Theophrastus Bombastus von Lowenbrau
Mr. Mordant said,
January 18, 2007 at 20:13
I’ve got a late entry, Retardo! In honor of wanktastic Swedish meatball Yngwie Malmsteen:
The Fucking Fury, Unleashed.
Hell, if you pass on that, I might even use it myself.
Hoosier Daddy said,
January 18, 2007 at 20:15
Captain Bee Fart
Genghis McCain, Scourge of the Internets
Poo Doody
Sporkey said,
January 18, 2007 at 20:50
If it’s the “Retardo” part that’s worrysome, I think just changing it (like someone above said) to “R. Montalban” would be fine. Although “Hussain Montalban” would be kind of funny. Or “Jamil Montalban” - you don’t exist despite evidence to the contrary (on a side note, they’re sure good at trying to “out” lefties, but give them one Iraqi saying that it’s not all ponies in Iraq, and he just doesn’t exist!). Maybe “Professor Montalban”, which would kind of match a lot of your writings here (at least, that one makes sense to me). I don’t think that you should loose the “Montalban”, for whatever it’s worth.
Also, pasty and co. prove that using a nom de intertoobz is a very, very good idea, lest the crazies get out the axehandles or rape your children.
Aussie Sheilah said,
January 19, 2007 at 2:33
“Twit” sounds appropriate.
Lesley said,
January 19, 2007 at 2:55
I always liked Norman Ormal and Tory Boy, but those were conjured by the unparalleled Harry Enfield. There are a couple of priceless sketches on Youtube of both which I can’t link to from work (net nanny!)
atlasien said,
January 19, 2007 at 3:33
Here’s a bunch of (real) author names from Chapter 3 of “Bizarre Books”:
Istvan Apathy
Ludwig von Baldass
Arngrim Berserk
Hugo Bonk
Roger A. Destroyer
Robert Baby Buntin Dicebat
Gottfried Egg
Achilles Fang
Gergely Gergely
Dirk La Cock
Jup Kastrati
Hieronimus Knicker
Voltaire Molesworth
Professor A. Moron
James Patrick Sex
Negley King Teeters
Urban Grosskipper von Wipper (pseudonym)
BigRedDog said,
January 19, 2007 at 5:29
Sorry, couldn’t read the whole thread, someone may have suggested it already-
But how about “The Leather Corinthian”
Gets you into the fake Greek realm, has a link to kinkiness and to your former name.
ice weasel said,
January 19, 2007 at 5:39
I’m still partial to the old favorite, Mike Oxlong, as long as you add a different sig line to each post dedicated to the doughy one saying something along the lines of…
…enough to beat you over the head
…to choke you into unconsciousness from the blue states
You get the idea.
Anyway, if you change it for any reason other than boredom, you’re just letting the terriers win, or something.
I have to admit, I really liked adding “hussein” as you middle suggestion.
But don’t go changin for me.
fred said,
January 19, 2007 at 6:32
I really don’t think you should change your name, but the idea of tossing in “Hussein” must seem attractive.
I wonder if the H in Jesus H. Christ stood for Hussein…
Gavin M said,
January 19, 2007 at 9:46
Why not keep the Retardo, liberals like mocking the mentally challenged obviously, and change the last name to Buttfucker, to mock the homosexual men out there?
I mean, it’s all in good fun to mock people who are born different then you, right?
Even my four year old neice knows that “retard” is a word that should not be used.
I mean, there is always Nigger McMick, or Wog Van Kraut, or Dago Gookinstein.
Or my personal fave, Paki Du WopWop.
L.G. Fucktard said,
January 20, 2007 at 9:59
Fucktardo Montalban.
Don’t leave me alone out there, brother.
L.G. Fucktard said,
January 20, 2007 at 10:45
Please, I’m begging.
Yomama bin Fucktard
Jeff G said,
January 24, 2007 at 21:39
Funny how a guy who, at various times, has called himself Penius and Ebaneezer Spooge — along with several other references to the flip side of the joy coin — can be so caught up on my use of “cock.”
Actually, no it’s not, come to think of it. Perhaps you should perform one of your Adlerian analyses on yourself.
Anyway, change your internet name to whatever you want. But I’ll always think of you as KleptoBismal. Too bad you couldn’t have taken your [myspace link redacted] private before I grabbed all those screencaps of you trying to pull of that Bucky from “American Idol” homage.
And that poetry! Jesus, “Retardo”/”Penius”/”Klepto”/”Spooge” — It was like reading something that leaked from the facile Id of seventeen-year old angst pirate who’d read too many philosophy books he didn’t understand, and who’d just gotten his pinky bent back when he reached above his class for Harvest Queen Betty Sue’s breast during the senior hay ride.
Such misogynistic undertones! Is Amanda Marcotte aware of this — or does she forgive you because you’re on her “side,” politically?
For someone who likes to pretend he doesn’t take himself too seriously, you sure know how to lard on the pretense.
Christ. What a joke you are. Tell me, how many more times are you going to link to your “expose” of my “character”? Or is it safe to say you’ve hit your highpoint, and the rest of your days will be spent reliving those frantic few weeks where you culled and edited, pasted and consulted your Psych 101 books — only to come up with one of the most transparent hit pieces disguised as analysis ever to hit the web?
I think you should write a book about the experience. I mean, you’re like the internet Woodward and Bernstein all wrapped up into one little skinny punk trying desperately to prove he is not some Arkansas hick.
My advice? Just be yourself. Hell, I like Marshall Tucker as well as the next guy. No need to hide who you are, [insert litany of juvenille sobriquets here].
EMBRACE YOUR INNER HILLBILLY, Klepto / nee Retardo!
Retardo Montalban said,
January 24, 2007 at 22:28
It’s ‘Bismol’, you dumbshit stalker. Get it right. And wow — I’m from Arkansas, really! No one would have known that what with my mentioning it here and at my other blog, I dunno, eleventy-seven times. Even our wikipedia entry states my geographical region .. You keep trying to slap me, Pasty, but the cock always springs back in your own face! God, that has to suck, huh?
Dogtown said,
January 24, 2007 at 23:15
How ’bout callin’ yo’self Dick Shine? Has a semi-realistic sound to it, yet captures your essence at the same time.
And “Bismol”, “Bismal” (sounds like “abysmal”)…..who the fuck cares except for you and your brown-nosed commentariat?
drew said,
January 24, 2007 at 23:30
Retardo, my ex, Andrew Sullivan, claims that you have a very, very serious problem with “flatulence.” Indeed, I understand that that problem in the bedroom led to the final breakup. True??
Josh Trevino said,
January 24, 2007 at 23:45
Wow, never saw the poetry before. That’s….appalling. Well, if I wished Jane Hamsher well and meant it, I can certainly give J. my sympathies too. Hamsher may have the advantage of a treatable condition, though. You poor fellow.
Jeff G said,
January 25, 2007 at 0:14
A spelling error? Is that what you’re coming at me with? Because I misspelled one of your idiotic and fluid sobriquets? OUCH!
But so long as we’re playing that game, I’ll keep trying to find “nebulaic” in one of my dictionaries. So far they just keep insisting “nebulous” is a better fit.
Oh. And this may come as a surprise to you, but I don’t read your crap-ass verbal splurts unless I’m sent a link — and even then, very rarely. So that you’re from Arkansas is news to me. Though I suppose congratulations are in order for being so upfront about your geographical location. I mean, if you can’t bring yourself to reveal your name, there are at least degrees of personal bravery we should celebrate.
Glass half full, right?
And I find it funny that you refer to me as the stalker here. Like I said, pal, you can’t seem to quit me. It’s creepy. But hey, the folks here seem to love it, and maybe you just relish being the Joan Rivers of the blogosphere. Go on, tell me how ugly my dress is. From outside the building.
As for the “cock” stuff — well, it’s been pointed out that you might just be using me as an excuse to re-decorate your site with the word, given the frequency with which you reference what you pretend is my obsession. And your poetry seems to bear that out.
Here’s just a bit:
My anger was the cattle prod
You didn’t feel
My cock was the demi-god
You didn’t kneel
-AND-
rockstar cockstar
limelight whores
belly dancer necromancer
musical scores
-AND-
In other lives they might
have recieved a blowjob
or Isotoners on this holiday
— or maybe reborn or all or
none
A gift from a Magi
Perhaps its time you stop transferring your own predilection for the trouser meat onto me. You think?
Retardo Montalban said,
January 25, 2007 at 0:18
Ahh, at last the original stalker chimes in.
Yes, at my then-girlfriend’s prompting I posted every scrap of doggerel I ever wrote as a gothy teenager, plus some that were attempts and failures at song lyrics only a bit later. A few were new at the time. How childish. Had I really been grown up, I would have been playing with lightsabers instead.
Retardo Montalban said,
January 25, 2007 at 0:23
Wait Pasty! I’m talking to Tacky now!
But.. but wait a minute, after so many blowhard comments to the effect that my psychological profile of you was too superficial or facile, ‘psych 101′ stuff, you’re accusing me now of.. *projection*???!!?!
Bwahahahahah. Golden!
Retardo Montalban said,
January 25, 2007 at 0:25
And as for ‘little bit’, IIRC (it’s been, you know, four years), that’s the extent of it.
As opposed to ..well, you know.
Snagglepuss said,
January 25, 2007 at 1:04
If I were Jeff Goldstein, I wouldn’t be mocking anyone’s creative writing. At least, not when “Issac and Rachel, A Love Story” is available for all to laugh at.
Also, if I had a penchant for ridiculous Jenn Sterger cowboy hats and stupid necklaces, I probably wouldn’t make big posts mocking people’s appearances. But that’s just me.
Josh Trevino said,
January 25, 2007 at 1:09
Blame the ex. Classy.
Anyway, on “stalking”: you make a lot of hay over having been Googled over the course of a single afternoon. On which: guilty! Why would one want to know just who has been obsessing over one for several years, eh? With such assiduous care, no less. With such — how to put it? — not especially intelligent attentiveness?
To say nothing of wondering about the fellow appropriating one’s wedding photos. Another classy move: and one, unlike the usual shrieking, that will have consequences. Fair warning, of course: you can seethe about the American Reich and its harbingers (TACITUS!!1!) all you like. And you will. But the moment I see my wife and/or a family member here, your paranoia — cowardice, really — will at last find its justification.
Cheers, J. Again: my sympathies in full.
Snagglepuss said,
January 25, 2007 at 1:12
But the moment I see my wife and/or a family member here, your paranoia — cowardice, really — will at last find its justification.
Yoda said,
January 25, 2007 at 1:18
But the moment I see my wife and/or a family member here, your paranoia — cowardice, really — will at last find its justification.
Young Tacitus, if once you start down the dark path, forever will it dominate your destiny, consume you it will, as it did Obi-Wan’s apprentice. A Jedi uses the Force for knowledge and defense, never for attack.
Retardo Montalban said,
January 25, 2007 at 1:21
I know you’re not particularly bright, Tacky, but let’s see if you can keep this straight:
[apple] — a pic linked to from one’s political site; indeed a trove of pics lovingly linked to from one’s public, political site. As compared to:
[orange] — pics and personal information entirely divorced from public persona, with no weblink between them.
Anything on elementropy and S,N! is fair game, then, yes, just as everything on trevino.at or tacitus.org or redstate is fair game? See how it goes? I can’t help it if you put up the lightsaber pics and so many others. And really, your wife? Why would I do that? But then how many people have you and Goldstein outed, Mr. Online Integrity? ‘Do unto others’, ri