12
Jim Rutz Tuesday
Since Brad stole Mark Noonan from my plasma-field wingnut containment device, I’m swiping Jim Rutz from his.
Above: plasma-field wingnut containment device
When last we encountered Jim, he was telling a bracing and faith-affirming story about Christian missionaries in Kiambu, Kenya who saved the city from an evil sorceress. Before that, it was demons haunting a Guatemalan village, and before that it was something about evangelical Christians bringing their dead relatives back to life.
So it’s good to see that Jim has at last forsworn superstition and has turned instead to science:
A devil food is turning our kids into homosexuals
Posted: December 12, 2006
There’s a slow poison out there that’s severely damaging our children and threatening to tear apart our culture. The ironic part is, it’s a “health food,” one of our most popular.
Now, I’m a health-food guy, a fanatic who seldom allows anything into his kitchen unless it’s organic. I state my bias here just so you’ll know I’m not anti-health food.
The dangerous food I’m speaking of is soy. Soybean products are feminizing, and they’re all over the place. You can hardly escape them anymore.
[...]
Soy is feminizing, and commonly leads to a decrease in the size of the penis, sexual confusion and homosexuality. That’s why most of the medical (not socio-spiritual) blame for today’s rise in homosexuality must fall upon the rise in soy formula and other soy products.
It’s true. And it only gets worse. TBogg reminds us about our old Renew America pal Nathan Tabor, who seems, in a startling reversal of things, to know more than he’s letting on.
Nathan Tabor is A Young Jesse Helms — 5th District, NC
Dr. Jerry Falwell, Publisher, National Liberty Journal…I am convinced Nathan Tabor is a young champion who can make a true difference for our values in Washington.
[...]
Nathan Tabor has helped build a successful family business in Kernersville, N.C. Revival Soy has over 130 employees and is one of the fastest growing businesses in western North Carolina.
And what has Revival Soy been up to lately?
The remainder (as they say) is left as an exercise for the reader.
RETARDO adds: You gaywads just think you have problems! You eat soy? So what! I grow it! Ten years ago I was a robust and virile young man, leaving many a red state girl barefoot and pregnant, as The Lord requires. But now… my penis is the size of a delicate mushroom cap, I’ve sprouted boobies, and I can’t stop staring at Richard Simmons’s hot shorts. It’ll happen to you, too! Save yourselves! Eat a thick juicy succulent tube beef steak, instead! Don’t be like me, like a couple of beans in a pod — Gah! There’s no escape! GAAAAAHHHH!!! Beams of lavender and puce project from my eyes like a human-superfagg0rtronic disco ball! I am TRANSFORMING!! Let’s appease the muslimofascists! Pay Per View abortions on satellite teevee!! Why, hello there sailor, can I suck your cock? Now to dump truckloads of soy in the Greater Salt Lake City water supply! Muahahaha I am supersoygheywad, destroyer of worlds!!!
Karl Rove II said,
December 12, 2006 at 22:14
Is you implying that they got teh gay from the bars?!?
Shoelimpy is going to be pissed…
craigie said,
December 12, 2006 at 22:17
I thought it was voting Dem that made you gay? Can’t they make up their minds?
Gavin M. said,
December 12, 2006 at 22:18
Huh. Someone definitely ought to market a Gay Bar. And an Allah-Ack Bar.
Hey, proof of concept.
ZonaNorte said,
December 12, 2006 at 22:19
Fluoridation is the most monstrously conceived and dangerous communist plot we have ever had to face.
Now, if I may divert my remarks to the subject of the mineshaft gap…
jpj said,
December 12, 2006 at 22:25
I invite Jim Rutz to test his theories.
First, Jim can walk into any American Legion Hall or small town bar in Iowa and announce that soybeans are feminizing and lead to homosexuality.
After he is out of the intensive care ward, he can track down Jeff Stryker and test his theory that homosexuality is correlated with small penis size.
mikey said,
December 12, 2006 at 22:26
Dammit. I kinda like those Eda Mommys…
mikey
eris said,
December 12, 2006 at 22:31
Natto, Mandrake. Children’s natto?
MCH said,
December 12, 2006 at 22:32
Ayuh. All that tofu made all the Asians catch teh ghey, holding down the birthrate and causing population collapse from Manchuria to Malaysia.
As the pre-Pudding Pops Cosby would have said, “Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiight. What’s a tofu?”
dwbh said,
December 12, 2006 at 22:37
Oh look, I found a new derogatory term in the WND article: “out-of-touch medicrats”.
mdhåtter said,
December 12, 2006 at 22:52
And here I thought my small penis was caused by my whiteness.
islmfaoscist said,
December 12, 2006 at 23:00
Whew, I’m relieved! I thought the article was going to be about devil’s food cake making you gay.
Homosexuals often argue that their homosexuality is inborn because “I can’t remember a time when I wasn’t homosexual.” No, homosexuality is always deviant.
So, go out and hate teh gays for making the lifestyle choice to drink soy baby formula and thereby choosing deviancy. Or something.
Ortho_bob said,
December 12, 2006 at 23:01
I’m guessing that Rutz found an old copy of Mothering Magazine with this article (“Whole Soy Story: The Dark Side of America’s Favorite Health Food”) in it when he was last at the doctor’s having his palms shaved. Lots of scary (and possibly dubious) stuff but nothing about soy being the secret gayification bean.
Brian Schlosser said,
December 12, 2006 at 23:06
I assume, then, that no lesbians ever ate soy products, ’cause they’re all so butch and manly, unlike those femmy male homosexuals. Therefore, our nation’s girls should be fed extra soy products to ensure the proper level of girlishness. And if that leads to early menarche, well the Silver Ring Thing will protect their innocence, duh.
TC said,
December 12, 2006 at 23:09
Rutz looks like a frustrated, deviant Tim Allen.
tb said,
December 12, 2006 at 23:19
I guess it’s safe to assume he’s not secretly checking out any gay porn.
D. Aristophanes said,
December 12, 2006 at 23:21
Rutz is absolutely correct. So whenever I get the urge to eat gay soy products, I just suck on my roommate’s cock instead. The urge passes and hey, presto! I’m totally not a fag!
Left_Wing_Fox said,
December 12, 2006 at 23:25
TC: I thought he was the dad from ALF.
J— said,
December 12, 2006 at 23:35
Parents, make sure to keep your boys away from Uneven Parallel Bars. They’re loaded with gay.
gonzoknife said,
December 12, 2006 at 23:47
Science expert Jim also says “In fetal development, the default is being female”.
Silly me. I always thought is was those chromosomes.
dj said,
December 12, 2006 at 23:59
i get hot soy injections on a regular basis and i swear i only suck dick on the weekend. there, indisputable proof that soy won’t make your shit-stained kids gay.
TC said,
December 13, 2006 at 0:52
Jim Rutz is not tightly bolted together, is he?
He probably sees evil liberal gnomes stealing his underpants.
Evil Liberal Gnome Plan:
1. Steal conservative’s underwear.
2. (something happens here)
3. The world becomes Gay!
4. (something else happens here)
5. Profit!
Jillian said,
December 13, 2006 at 1:06
I love soy products - does this mean I’m gay?
Seriously - I have this recipe for grilled curried tofu that is just soooo incredibly good on a bed of fragrant rice - I like brown rice, because I can be a food nazi sometimes, but it would be even better on a good jasmine rice, I bet.
If you’re one of those people who turn your nose up at tofu, you should really give it a second chance. There’s a lot of awesome things you can do with it. I’m happy to recipe swap if anyone’s interested. I’m not even a vegetarian - I just like good food.
HemlockEcho said,
December 13, 2006 at 1:15
I know that the facts are probably the least interesting part of this article, but this here link speculates that soy actually inhibits estrogen action, so as a corrolary to Rutz’s column, soy is masculinizing, and leads to larger penises, sexual clarity, and manly, totally hetero, ass-slapping football.
HemlockEcho said,
December 13, 2006 at 1:19
Why is it I can’t sit here and lick the mayonaise off my tofu-dog without people thinking I’m gay!
D. Aristophanes said,
December 13, 2006 at 1:39
Rutz has mad soydar. Whenever he walks past the Asian foods aisle at the supermarket, he’s like: “Stop looking at my ass!”
Lesley said,
December 13, 2006 at 1:42
Now we know why ‘merica is losing the battle. The soldiers are eating soynuts!
Righteous Bubba said,
December 13, 2006 at 1:56
He ruts, and ruts
He ruts and ruts and ruts
Ruts ruts ruts
Ruts ruts ruts
The “I’m Not a Faggot Show”
Righteous Bubba said,
December 13, 2006 at 2:01
I’m happy to recipe swap if anyone’s interested. I’m not even a vegetarian - I just like good food.
Share please. But I’m kind of a nitwit in the kitchen so it’s gotta be easy.
D. Sidhe said,
December 13, 2006 at 2:09
He’s right. I’m gay and do not have a big penis.It’s scienceistic!
Jillian said,
December 13, 2006 at 2:33
It’s an incredibly simple recipe, Bubba - there’s absolutely no way to mess this up.
Just take your favorite brand of extra-firm tofu, chill it well in the fridge, and cut it into cubes of about a half-inch to an inch. It should still be damp from the water it’s stored in; that’s fine - it makes the curry stay on better.
Make a mix of garam masala and your favorite curry powder (if they stock Indian groceries where you live, this will be easy to come by) and put it in a zip style baggie. Proportions are totally up to your tastebuds - I like it spicy, so mine’s heavier on the curry and lighter on the masala mix. Put your tofu chunks in there and shake ‘em up. You can fry them in a thin layer of oil in a pan, but the easiest way to cook them is on your trusty George Foreman grill. You get the bonus of no added fat then, too.
Grill or fry until crispy, then serve on a warm bed of your favorite rice. A basmati or jasmine would be perfect. If you keep cooked rice in the fridge, this takes about five minutes to make, is incredibly crispy and spicy, and so disgustingly healthy for you that it shouldn’t be allowed to taste this good.
And as a bonus, it apparently makes you gay. Who knew?
Righteous Bubba said,
December 13, 2006 at 2:49
And as a bonus, it apparently makes you gay. Who knew?
Thanks! Who says fishing shows and blowjobs don’t mix?
pessullivan said,
December 13, 2006 at 2:53
That is in the Top Secret section of the Gay Agenda! How did they get there hands on that. Our recruiting efforts weren’t going so well, so we thought that the Soy attack was a very tricky.
Now we all know it’s the Gays fault that we’re loosing Iraq! But I promise that was not our intention.
Lesley said,
December 13, 2006 at 3:15
MMMMMMMM curry.
Tofu makes nifty croutons for salads, too. Lightly sautée in garlic and olive oil.
Aquagirl said,
December 13, 2006 at 3:19
If I’ve been accidentally faggotizing my son with soy formula and soy milk since he was six months old, do I still get the secular atheist liberal conspiracy bonus points? Because I’m saving up for the decoder ring.
mikey said,
December 13, 2006 at 3:33
Damn, Jillian, Yum!! I’m all over that, but with a couple kinds of mushrooms, some sliced zuchini, onions and peppers…Wheeeee……
mikey
D. Aristophanes said,
December 13, 2006 at 3:37
Aquagirl, the bonus points are also contingent on advocating pecker choice. Which I’m sure you do.
mikey said,
December 13, 2006 at 3:40
Hey, that reminds me. I was up at Macy’s in San Francisco this afternoon, and I gotta say, the pecker choice was pretty meager…
mikey
verplanck colvin said,
December 13, 2006 at 4:11
Jillian, nice recipe. I usually marinate my tofu, not dredge it in spice, yours sounds exciting, gay, and different.
If you folks are thinking about marinading your tofu, please remember to lay it out on some cookie sheets lined with paper towels. Cover with another cookie sheet, and weight it down with some books. Leave it for 30 minutes or so, and then put it in a container with your marinade. No watering down of your marinade. Thanks be to Alton Brown for that one.
This post is all-around gold. Teh gay, wingnuts, conspiracies and recipes. Could I ask for anything more?
Mo's Bike Shop said,
December 13, 2006 at 5:12
Could I ask for anything more?
Ethel Merman maybe?
ˇ
GoatBoy said,
December 13, 2006 at 5:25
“If you folks are thinking about marinading your tofu, please remember to lay it out on some cookie sheets lined with paper towels. Cover with another cookie sheet, and weight it down with some books. Leave it for 30 minutes or so, and then put it in a container with your marinade.”
I wrap it tightly in layers of cheesecloth. Also only takes about a half hour and you don’t get cracks in the tofu.
GoatBoy said,
December 13, 2006 at 5:26
…cheesecloth and a kitchen towel I meant to say. Preferably a clean one.
Righteous Bubba said,
December 13, 2006 at 5:41
Could I ask for anything more?
You could ask for Grandpa’s Chipits and Peanut Butter Drops.
In a double boiler put:
1 - 6 oz package of butterscotch chipits.
1/2 cup peanut butter
Cook until well mixed.
Take off the stove.
In a large bowl put 2 cups chow-mien noodles.
Pour the peanut mixture over the noodles.
Mix well and lastly add
1 cup mini marshmallows.
Drop by spoonfuls on to wax paper.
Keep refrigerated and then eat until sick.
Seriously, my grand-dad would make these, which was pretty fucked up because you really had to struggle to find those noodles back then.
These are appalling and satisfying. Don’t go using any of that natural peanut-butter crap: the artery-clogging stuff works best because it’s so creepily stable. Die well, my friends, die well.
Righteous Bubba said,
December 13, 2006 at 5:46
Ethel Merman maybe?
Imagine her singing “a rubdown with a velvet glove” at the top of her voice. It’s awesome.
YOU’RE JUST IN LOVE (I WONDER WHY)
MALE VOICE:
I hear singing and there’s no one there
I smell blossoms and the trees are bare
All day long I seem to walk on air
I wonder why, I wonder why
I keep tossing in my sleep at night
And what’s more I’ve lost my appetite
Stars that used to twinkle in the skies
Are twinkling in my eyes, I wonder why
FEMALE VOICE:
You don’t need analyzing
It is not so surprising
That you feel very strange but nice
Your heart goes pitter patter
I know just what’s the matter
Because I’ve been there once or twice
Put your head on my shoulder
You need someone who’s older
A rub down with a velvet glove
There is nothing you can take
To relieve that pleasant ache
You’re not sick, you’re just in love
MALE & FEMALE VOICES INTERWOVEN:
MV: I hear singing and there’s no one there
FV: You don’t need analyzing, it is not so surprising
MV: I smell blossoms and the trees are bare
FV: That you feel very strange but nice
MV: All day long I seem to walk on air
FV: Your heart goes pitter patter, I know just what’s the matter
MV: I wonder why, I wonder why
FV: Because I’ve been there once or twice
MV: I keep tossing in my sleep at night
FV: Put your head on my shoulder, you need someone who’s older
MV: And what’s more I’ve lost my appetite
FV: A rub down with a velvet glove
MV: Stars that used to twinkle in the skies
FV: There is nothing you can take
MV: Are twinkling in my eyes
FV: To relieve that pleasant ache
MV: I wonder why
FV: You’re not sick you’re just in love
Mo's Bike Shop said,
December 13, 2006 at 6:43
It’s a good thing there are no hormones in cow’s milk.
ˇ
Some Guy said,
December 13, 2006 at 7:45
When did Gilbert Godfried get a job at WND? And why doesn’t LINK TO HIS SOURCES?! Nyargh.
Capt. Trollyhottpantsless said,
December 13, 2006 at 10:34
I know he gave a pass to soy sauce. But what about Soy Vey? It’s not goy, but it could be gay.
jade said,
December 13, 2006 at 13:56
It’s also a good thing that cows don’t eat soy. That’s why they’re so small and shrimpy.
J— said,
December 13, 2006 at 14:14
And what about that guy Soy G. Biv? I mean, just look at how he dresses!
Marq said,
December 13, 2006 at 15:57
Y’know, the guyz in gay pr0n are lucky that their all-sdoy diets shrink their peckers. No, really. Have you seen them now, in their shrunken state? They’re enormous! Before, in their even larger incarnations, I bet those poor fellas would pass out the second they popped a stiffy! It’s hard to enjoy sex when you’re unconscious! Not to mention the whole problem of falling on their faces because 1.) They had a hard-on, and 2.) They were unconscious. Comedy gold for the blooper reel, but not terribly erotic! So, without the soy industry, no modern gay pr0n industry.
Spirula said,
December 13, 2006 at 18:39
“Homosexuals often argue that their homosexuality is inborn because “I can’t remember a time when I wasn’t homosexual.â€? No, homosexuality is always deviant.”
and then
“Soy is feminizing, and commonly leads to a decrease in the size of the penis, sexual confusion and homosexuality.”
Thank Gawd Rutz doesn’t let self-contradiction get in the way of his “insights” about teh gay. Next thing you know, they will be claiming gay is a religion to get any mention of it out of public schools.
jenniebee said,
December 13, 2006 at 21:02
zomg, he found out that soy contains isoflavones. Can’t wait until he discovers that chocolate may promote testosterone production and advises parents to keep their daughters away from bon-bons and hot fudge sundaes, lest they grow in their appreciation of comfortable shoes.
Derek Jeter said,
December 13, 2006 at 21:04
For years, McDonald’s use soy milk in their milk shakes. Then for some reason, they switched back, proudly trumpeting “REAL milk used”. Now we know why. Must have have been that hot bottom action going in the back of the store, near the fridge.
cowalker said,
December 15, 2006 at 10:35
Who knew that frogs consumed unwise quantities of soy products?
http://enhs.umn.edu/5200/estrogen/mn.html
Thoughtcatcher » Blog-Archiv » Soja macht schwul! said,
December 17, 2006 at 23:32
[...] Ein bisschen Aufklärung über den, wie mir scheint, typisch amerikanisch fanatischen Gottesgläubigen findet sich übrigens unter anderem hier. Wer weiß, was seine Mutter während der Schwangerschaft zu sich genommen hat… [...]
NateyBoomBatey said,
December 18, 2006 at 19:19
Odd, The Good Geverend Jim didn’t footnote, so his many claims of ’scientific research revealing this and that’ cannot be investigated. Oh well, anyone who claims to be a Christian would NEVER lie, so it all must be true.
Right?
Sadly, No! » Jim Rutz: Still After Soy said,
December 26, 2006 at 14:46
[...] Jim Rutz has published part three in his acclaimed “Eating soy will turn your kid into a fag” series. This stuff will never stop being funny: [...]
cowalker said,
December 27, 2006 at 8:15
What if it isn’t soybeans?
http://www.sciencenews.org/pages/sn_edpik/ls_8.htm
What if it’s corporate promoted pesticides that are responsible?
I guess we’ll just relax and hope for the best.
Brytney said,
February 13, 2007 at 11:33
I like drink pivo. Thanks